The Amateur Ombudsman Answers Your Queries

Letters, we get letters. Many of them are from the angry, the incensed, the outraged. Some are from helpful people who wish to discuss the minutiae of comma placement and whether or not Sixth South should be spelled "600 South." And, sometimes, both cases hold true and there are letters from people who are outraged about comma placement.

But then there are letters from the curious. They want to know things. They want to know what we think; sometimes they think that we know something.

In an effort to be more helpful to readers of Salt Blog, I would like to present some answers to a few of the burning questions of our time. There are two real questions and one red herring. See if you can spot the fake:

Dear Amateur Ombudsman,

Are you aware of any German/American or World War II-era organizations in the Salt Lake Valley?

—Catharine

Dear Catharine,

It’s a bit difficult to imagine what you’re looking for here. As far as I know, many war heroes still hang out at the VFW; perhaps that might be a good place to look. I imagine they’d like somebody new to talk to or play dominoes with. And, don’t worry—some people from that generation may appear to be all grouchy and racist and horrible to be around, but I’ve watched enough TV to know that, once you get past that gruff exterior, each and every one of them has a valuable life lesson to teach you.

However, if you’re more into historical reenactments, why not put up a flyer at a local comic book store? Historical reenactments are pretty geeky, and so are comic-book stores. Probably, there’s some overlap there. You might try Dr. Volt’s Comic Connection (2043 E. 3300 South) or Black Cat Comics (2265 Highland Dr.). Be sure and ask management before posting flyers if you can't find a bulletin board or some other obvious location.

Finally, if you simply have a thing for Germans, you can get a tasty sandwich at Siegfried’s Delicatessen (20 W. 200 South). If you play your cards right, you could be sprechen Sie Deutsch with a hot Teutonic in no time!

Dear Amateur Ombudsman,

What if you were skydiving and your chute didn't open and you knew you were going to die? Would you die before you hit the ground? Can your body prepare you for this type of thing, or would you be awake right up until impact? Thanks, hope you can find an answer.

—Jen

No, thank you, Jen. I had practically stopped having those recurring plummeting nightmares until I started thinking about your letter.

There are two methodologies which occur to me whereby I might answer your question. The first would be for me to jump out of an airplane with one of those anvil-chute things holding a tape recorder, carrying on a running commentary about my impressions of my last moments and impending doom. If you were able to recover the tape and play it back, it might give you insight as to just when I lost consciousness—that is, if you were to trust me implicitly and not suspect that I might purposefully screw up the results by, say, clamming up out of a sense of pique. After all, you were the one who sent me falling to my death in order to satisfy your idle curiosity.

The second method, which I favor strongly in this case, is by thought experiment: I understand that, at high speeds, the circulation of blood in the human body is affected so that the subject loses consciousness. According to Wikipedia, the terminal velocity of a human body in free-fall is about 200 mph. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve gone faster than that in airplanes and the only thing that might have made me lose consciousness was an excess of screwdrivers.

However, maybe things are different when the air is rushing past your ears and you’re panicking as the ground rushes up toward you, and there’s no in-flight movie or SkyMall to distract you from your plight. In this case, you might pass out before you hit the ground in which case, good on you. I wouldn’t count on it, though.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much your body could do to prepare you for the inevitable, Jen. In any case, whether you’re awake or not, the cause of death is likely to be impact with the Earth. Kind of makes you wish you hadn’t given up smoking, eh?

Dear Amateur Ombudsman,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

—Kyle

Dear Kyle,

Just three—but why anyone would want to break through the delicious cherry-flavored Pop in order to expose the vile, waxy, brown Tootsie inside is beyond me.

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Wouldn't it be safer for the children if we put a nice church or a GOP headquarters there instead?

• What the world needs now is ... 25 delay feeds of Nick at Nite.

• ... Also, I have a plan to bring back law and order by subjecting jaywalkers to a good, sound waterboarding.
  

• I can't imagine why anybody would be interested in the fact that a candidate belongs to a church which opposes the ERA, gay rights and reproductive choice.

• We celebrate Christmas the old-fashioned way: We slit a goat's throat in honor of Lugh.

• Cougar fans, of course, are always perfect angels.

(Brandon Burt)

No Lands Man

[Update] This afternoon I ran into J.P. Garman looking as happy as I'd seen him in months.

Garman is the man without a country I wrote about this summer in No Lands Man who has spent his entire adult life trying to convince authorities he is a citizen of the United States.

A bungled California adoption meant that Garman wasn’t considered a U.S. citizen. No other country claimed him either. With no Social Security card he worked short-time jobs under the table, frequently moving.

When Garman landed in Utah, he decided to make another go at becoming legit. He went to the media and—until recently—it seemed like a bad idea. When an article about him appeared in the Deseret Morning News, Garman, now a celebrity, lost what work he’d been able to get to that point.

But today, he’s sporting a spanking new Social Security card.

Following years of working through California public agencies, Garman recently received a new birth certificate listing his birthplace as California, instead of “unknown.” That led to the Social Security card.

Garman—who is hoping to get a Utah ID tomorrow—is brimming with ideas for using his new Social Security number to start a business of his own. (Ted McDonough)

Rethinking Dope

[Drugs] A rag-tag band of University of Utah professors from every discipline from Philosophy, Political Science to Law and Pharmacotherapy are trying to shake things up with a new book on society's contradictory views and policies on drugs.

The question they ask is why doesn't society approach all controlled substances from some form of uniform policy?

The interdisciplinary tack these scholars take doesn't pull any punches, whether it's questioning what role political lobbying has in keeping alcohol legal and marijuana illegal, or positing whether or not there are stiffer penalties for possession of crack vs. cocaine because of racist implications of crack abuse by certain poor African American populations.

Certainly drug contradictions here in Zion abound where so many Utahns have witnessed the cultural norms about the harmlessness of prescription drugs. Such naive beliefs have pushed many casual pill poppers from a party drug to the hard realities of heroin, as was written this month in City Weekly. (Eric S. Peterson)

Get Dirty Sweet Twice

[Music] A hot music pick slipped by us this week because, well, nobody told us they were coming back: San Diego's Dirty Sweet, the 12th coming of the Black Crowes, Black Oak Arkansas and Black Sabbath (dig the stringy Ozzy hair and bellbottoms) played Salt Lake City months ago and earned rave local reviews from the few who witnessed it--again, alerting the press ain't a bad idea for promoting a show, for future reference.

This weekend, Dirty Sweet's playing twice at the Bar Deluxe at 666 S. State: Saturday, Dec. 1 as an opening act for the Slippery Kittens Burlesque (nice gig if you can get it), and Sunday, Dec. 2 headlining over SLC alt-country rockers the High Beams (Sunday in Salt Lake--rough gig).

You'll notice in the band's video below that, while they plead "Baby Come Home," they don't seem to actually have one--when they're not at the club, they have to play outside in a field! Do what you can to help these guys with rent and razor money, won't you?

(Bill Frost)

Stephanie Bernritter, 1968-2007

[Heroes] This beautiful soul is Stephanie Bernritter. She taught English and creative writing at Salt Lake City's West High School from 2002 until just a few days ago.



Ms. B, as we all knew her, died of complications from a long battle against leukemia on the night of Nov. 28. She was 39. Stephanie is survived by her husband Kevin, of Salt Lake City, relatives in Seattle (her hometown) and countless friends and proteges.

She is a warrior and a goddess. Fierce about good writing, loving toward all, this woman is the teacher you all hope your children will get. I know I did. Stephanie taught my daughter, now 19, and was her advisor when she co-edited WestWinds, the school's socko literary magazine. Beyond her passion for teaching, and her famous 15-minute "writing prompts," Stephanie helped with student clubs and athletics, including soccer coaching and advising the Gay Student Association. She headed up numerous poetry slams at coffee houses around Salt Lake City, where her students showcased their considerable talents.

My son was in her 11th-grade English class this year. She led him through The Grapes of Wrath with the usual reverence for John Steinbeck's literary talent, but she also got her students writing brief and beautiful essays about poverty, alienation and socialism.

I used to visit Stephanie's classes each year and talk about creative non-fiction. The students and I batted around ideas, discussed ways to narrate a story. I always told them how much they had to say and write, and how valuable their life stories are. This, in a world where too many adults in their lives dismiss them for their youth and inexperience. That, or they fear them, simply because they are teenagers.

None of this applies to Stephanie. She gave all of her students the power to live well and to write their truths. Dissing the state of public education is becoming a regular mantra these days. But it's fairly certain these critics never knew a teacher/a human being/a warrior like Stephanie Bernritter.

I just returned from a memorial service for Stephanie at West High. After a short video of her life and work shown in the library, the entire school gathered on the front lawn to send up balloons in her honor. We ended the service with a collective shout--what amounts to Ms. B's favorite expression: Right (or Write) On! (Holly Mullen)

Downward Dog ... to Hell!

[News of the Whacked] Speaking of yoga, did you know that it's a tool of Satan? Yup. According to the not-batshit-crazy-at-all Pat Robertson, the stretching is fine, but by repeating yoga mantras, you're praying to Hindu gods Vishnu and Krishna! MSNBC's Keith Olbermann elaborated on last night's Countdown:



Where does this leave Pilates then? Do I have to cancel today? (Bill Frost)

Yoga Rave

[Stretch It] Are you a yogi in a yoga rut? Do you feel like branching out and working with a different teacher, at least for one day? Are you a compassionate person who wants to do something positive for your community this holiday season?

I know that the above pitch sounds rather late-night infomercial, but if you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions, you should seriously consider attending this Saturday’s Yogis Give Back benefit at the Rose Wagner Blackbox Theatre (138 W. 300 South).

A few years ago, impresario/dancer/choreographer/yoga teacher Stephen Brown asked several superstar yoga teachers from various studios in Utah to pool their yoga-osity and host a giant yoga class. The "yoga rave" (as one teacher dubbed it) was so well received, Brown made the Yogis Give Back fundraiser an annual event. All proceeds benefit the Hope Center for Children. Space is limited, so sign up ASAP if you’re interested. You can read more about the event here in a story City Weekly ran last fall. (Jenny Poplar)

Ogden Election Brouhaha

[Elections] Ogden's election brouhaha has caught the attention of a national voting rights researcher.

In his blog, Scott Novakowski, a researcher for the democracy promoting organization Demos, points to Ogden's confusing November mayor election as further evidence that the country’s voting system remains broken, particularly when it comes to use of provisional ballots.

The Ogden mayor’s race was thrown into confusion when supporters of Mayor Matthew Godfrey submitted long lists of names to Weber County election officials challenging the right of hundreds of would-be voters to vote. The ACLU of Utah is currently investigating complaints that Ogden voters may have been turned away from the polls without the opportunity to cast a ballot.

As Novakowski points out in his blog, under 2002’s Help America Vote Act, everyone whose right to vote is challenged at the polls is supposed to be offered a “provisional” ballot.

“Under the Help America Vote Act of 2002 (HAVA) states must offer "fail-safe" provisional ballots to all individuals who believe they are registered to vote but whose names do not appear on the rolls, who do not meet identification requirements, or whose eligibility is challenged at the polls. Such ballots are counted if election officials subsequently determine that the individual was a legitimate voter under state law.”

But, writes Novakowski, it isn’t unusual for election officials and poll workers to refuse provisional ballots--in large part because those running elections don't understand how the system is supposed to work.

In a report he completed this month for Demos, A Fallible 'Fail-Safe': An Analysis of Provisional Balloting Problems in the 2006 Election, Novakowski found problems with provisional ballots used nationwide during the 2006 election. Voter registration lists continued to be inaccurate during that election, meaning people that should have been on voter lists weren't. And a large percentage of complaints coming from that election were from voters denied a provisional ballot.

A bigger a problem may be “vague and inconsistent” standards adopted by states for when provisional ballots are counted, the Demos report says. While federal law sets a minimum standard for counting provisional ballots, many states established stricter rules that mean many provisional votes get tossed even after election officials determine the person casting the provisional vote should have been allowed to vote a regular ballot in the first place. Utah is listed among 13 states with rules, “that can create a significant, high, or very high risk of voting list error.”

Among Demos’ recommendations to fix the provisional ballot problem is for states to get rid of provisional ballots altogether—by passing election day registration laws. One such law will be proposed in January during the next session of the Utah Legislature. The sponsor is Democratic Rep. Neil Hansen, who—perhaps not coincidentally—represents Ogden. (Ted McDonough)

America's Next Top Regime Change

[Politics] For any you kids worried that the only way Republicans will beef up war spending is by starting another war, you ought to start doing your homework on a little place called Iran.

That's why it would be worth checking out a slide show being put on tonight from members of a peace delegation recently returning from Iran. One of the delegates, Phil Wilayto, peace activist and journalist, will be doing a presentation and slide show tonight Nov. 29 at Nobrow Coffee on 315 East Broadway from 7-9 pm tonight. Phil took this expedition on behalf of several organizations including the Campaign Against Sanction and Military Intervention in Iran

Phil also appeared on todays RadioActive program on KRCL talking about the trip and making the point that if you really want to actually do something to prevent war in Iran, try a vacation there. Apparently the only restrictions on travel there for Americans is that they contract their tour through a travel agency.

This peace tourism actually makes sense, not only do people travelling there benefit from learning the full complexities of a country, gaining vital perspective to counter the ever increasing war rhetoric emerging from the White House, but they also increase economic ties between our countries and make it more costly to engage in war.

For anyone actually scared of going to a country we might soon be at war with, keep in mind a rule for international travel I can personally swear by, some people probably hate America with a passion, but few people don't love Americans--especially when you are making the effort to learn about their culture. (Eric S. Peterson)

Fodder for the Utah-Vegas Water Wars

[Dry News] Yesterday, NPR's Fresh Air featured an interview with California water researcher Peter Gleick about the "Looming Water Crisis" facing much of the Western United States.

Glick, a MacArthur fellow and co-founder of the Pacific Institute, visited Utah recently, meeting with Legislators, Salt Lake County officials and City Weekly, to discuss a new Pacific Institute study of Las Vegas' water use. The findings—that Sin City could be saving a lot more water through conservation—should interest Utah politicians grappling with Nevada’s plan to pipe water from the Utah-Nevada border to Vegas.

To justify the planned pipeline, Las Vegas water authorities have repeatedly touted the city’s water conservation efforts—particularly a program that pays residents to tear grass out of front yards. The message has essentially been that Vegas is already conserving. (They particularly love to point out that water used in casino fountains is recycled.) So, the argument goes, the city has no choice but to pump water from ranching land. (A move Utah ranchers fear could destroy their crops.) Vegas water authorities have even chastised Utah for doing less on the water conservation front.

The Pacific Institute study calls out the Vegas rhetoric. Institute researcher Heather Cooley gives Vegas credit for the “innovative and effective” turf-removal program, but notes Vegas lags behind other desert regions in use of many other water conservation programs. Cities like Albuquerque, Santa Fe and Tucson are more aggressive and use significantly less water.

The Pacific Institute study identified 80,000 acre feet of water that Vegas could save through conservation. Gleick said if Vegas adopted the water conserving measures outlined in the institute report, the city could postpone building the proposed pipeline for years.

The report is good fodder in Utah’s water fight with Vegas. But Utahns shouldn’t act too superior. Pacific Institute’s researchers note Salt Lake City and St. George residents use less water per person than Vegas residents, but are still significant water wasters compared to standout conservers in New Mexico, Arizona or parts of Colorado. (Ted McDonough)

You & The Tube

[Politics] Tonight's CNN/YouTube Republican Debate gets underway in a few hours, and while the compilation video below does include some "great questions" for the candidates, I gotta ask: Is political savvy what it takes to win over Anderson "News Ferret" Cooper, or production values? Are these "concerned citizens" working toward a better country or 15 minutes of niche fame? Were there rousing CB Radio debates in the '70s? Guess I'd better make a video and submit it somewhere if I want any answers ...



(Bill Frost)

Dick Nourse: Retiring One Bad Ass Mofo

[Media] Maybe it's just our cover on Ultimate Fighting in Utah this week, but when I think now of KSL's Dick Nourse retiring tonight after after 43 years on air, I can't help but lament that Utah has lost one of its most ... physically intimidating broadcasters.

Don't get me wrong, Nourse is a great broadcaster and journalist, and if you want to hear more of his praises in that regard, read any other tribute to him. I just thought I'd highlight the fact that KSL may no longer be able to claim that their evening broadcaster could most likely demolish any other local news broadcaster in a cage fight.

I mean look at the guy! I certainly wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley somewhere. Having Nourse retire is like having Rhino from the Amazing Spider-Man series retire from crime. Who can fill those shoes? Who could go on ramming down steel bank vault doors with their head or knocking over armored cars like they were Matchbox toys?

Certainly no one in Utah broadcasting anymore thats for damn sure.

In fact I challenge anyone to come up with a Utah journalist that could go toe to toe with the "force of Nourse" for three rounds and even survive, let alone emerge victorious. (Eric S. Peterson)

Snow Angel

[Winter Wonderland] Picking up on the indomitable Bill Frost's thread below, what is the best winter survival tip you have for living in Utah?

I realize that ol' global warming has made living through these milder winters a breeze, but ...

Honestly, I lived here for three-quarters of my life before finally learning to ski. I took my first lesson at age 43. I'm an old dog but I did learn a new trick and now I ski like a bunny. Kind of. But you gotta squint to see it.

Anyway, I pretty much worship snow days now. I don't even curse ice on the car windshield in the mornings anymore. Unless I'm late for work.

So, got any survival tips? I'll even listen to sarcasm, if you want. Also, I wish that was me--the hot ski racer--in the photo above. It's U.S. Ski Team member Julie Mancuso and the photo is from the Tacoma News-Tribune. (Holly Mullen)

The Dangers of Snow

[Winter] Still waiting for the snow? For weeks now, TV weatherguys have told us that "Snow's coming Tuesday! Really!" Has yet to happen, but looks like today might finally be it. Now instead of bitching about the lack of white stuff, you can start bitching about the abundance of white stuff. It's your right as a Utahn.

To prepare you, please to enjoy this cautionary tale from the Happy Tree Friends:



(Bill Frost)

Wolfiness

[Wildlife] How much do we love wolves in this country?

We love them so, so much we've taken to spotting them roaming in the foothills of the Salt Lake 'burbs in Olympus Cove, even when wildlife experts are saying the specimen in question is more likely a wolf-dog hybrid.

The wolf, with its incredibly sophisticated social structure, lonely howl and just-close-enough-to-domestic-dog looks is the stuff of legend and of our wildest imaginations. We respect their instincts and power, envy their "lone-wolfness." (The photo here is from Smithsonian Magazine.)

But we don't love wolves enough, apparently, to keep them protected and on the federal endangered species list for much longer. The western gray wolf, which has flourished in the 33 years since it was reintroduced into Yellowstone National Park from Canada, is on the fast track to being delisted. Environmentalists are sounding the alarm about moving too quickly, but it looks like one more midnight-hour policy change we'll be able to thank George W. Bush for in his last year in office. The war, yes. The wolves, no. You know, let's just let everything go to hell.

On a related topic, if you've ever wondered how a Yellowstone gray wolf might fare in a rendezvous with a grizzly bear, go here and find out.

There's just something about Canis lupus. (Holly Mullen)

Dancing with the Mormons

[Politics-ish] For anyone who ever doubted why Mitt Romney would be a contender for a presidential candidate, all I have to say is this: Marie Osmond.

While you struggle to make the connection allow me to scoop you in on the latest Dancing with the Stars gossip. Our lovable Marie Osmond has cruised through the series despite getting some of the lowest marks by the judges for her abysmal dancing. Even last week she fainted while dancing because according to her "I forgot to breathe." Fair enough, honest mistake, that's one of those natural bodily functions that often slips my mind from time to time.

And yet the audience votes that keep coming in save Marie every time. One of her fellow dancers Maksim Chmerkovskiy has recently said it's all a sympathy vote because of her father's death and her sons going into rehab. Maksim also confessed that his celebrity partner Ugly Spice has personal problems of her own that she didn't flaunt in front of the nation that is that her kid has chicken pox.

I have another theory. Marie is swimming in votes because, sure there is a pity factor, but she also has an LDS social network supporting her that is vast, organized and efficient.

If one accepts Robert Putnam's theory of social capital you have to appreciate then how the LDS community has a very intricate network of support for members of its community that operates on formal and informal levels.

This is what not only keeps Marie going but also supports Mormon politicians nationwide. Sure the majority of Americans are scared of Mormons, but that doesn't completely counter the efficiency of the existing Mormon populations ability to elect voices of their community.

Look at national politics: 11 Mormon house reps, 5 in the senate including Majority leader Harry Reid. 5 senators may only be 5% of the senate but keep in mind there's only about 7 million LDS members in the US, 300 million thereabouts in the US at large.That's almost 200 percent representation.

Pretty damn impressive political machine there, and its the same machine that Romney will be counting on to not only drum up votes, but also organize outreach and fundraising to finance his extreme evangelical makeover necessary to win over the rest of America's value voters. (Eric S. Peterson)

Contest: Double Franchisee

[Three-peat] Next week marks the DVD release of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, a film that -- whatever its other qualities -- placed Orlando Bloom in select company. Having appeared as Legolas in three Lord of the Rings films and Will Turner in three Pirates of the Caribbean films, Bloom becomes one of only a handful of performers to play the same character in at least three films in two different film series. Harrison Ford -- Han Solo and Indiana Jones -- is an easy one. But how many others could you come up with?

Readers are invited to send in the longest possible list of actors who have appeared as the same character in at least three theatrically-released films in two different film series, no later than Monday, Dec. 3. The winner receives a copy of the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End DVD. Voice roles count; direct-to-video doesn't. And a bonus point for anyone who includes a woman in his or her list. So far, the best I've been able to find are women with one trilogy and one two-fer.

Email to scottr@slweekly.com with subject line "Double Franchise Contest", and be sure to include your daytime phone number and mailing address. (Scott Renshaw)

SOBs in the News

[Kinky] Now that Blue Boutique has begun threatening the morals of Sugar House by having the nerve to get forced out of its longtime digs by strip-mall developers and move three blocks east, we wonder what other Utah businesses (other than City Weekly) the morality police might start looking out for. How about AL Enterprises, which recently moved to Carbon Avenue in Price? The Internet retailer assembles "male chastity products." From its Website:

Is your husband or boyfriend cheating on you? Has he done so in the past and you find it difficult to once again get that level of trust back? Has your relationship lost the spark, passion and commitment that you had in the beginning?

The answer, according to AL Enterprises, is to encase that dude's junk in a locking Plexiglas tube--to which you have the only key!

The first thing this would accomplish is to take away his ability to take matter [sic] into his own hands through masturbation. He can no longer touch his penis. His outlook on your relationship will take on a whole new meaning!

I don't doubt that. Anyone did that to me, my outlook on the relationship would change dramatically.

Instructions for the physical process of encasement are available; how you're going to convince him to submit to it, though, is anybody's guess. In my family's religion, we were taught merely that tying our wrists to our bedposts would save us from nocturnal temptation. Isn't technology wonderful?

Unfortunately, some folks in Price don't cotton to the whole idea. Benson Manwaring, AL Enterprises' manager, recently was nearly run down by a white SUV.

It's unclear whether the person behind the wheel was a member of the morality police thinking the device looked too much like fun, a ne'er-do-well boyfriend who didn't want his girlfriend getting ideas into her head, or even the victim in this kind of strangely sub-dom relationship. (Brandon Burt)

Pissin' Off Vampires

[TV] This week's True TV column (which is currently ranked as SLWeekly.com's most-read story, proof of a very slow week) poked a bit of fun at CBS' vampire drama Moonlight--bad idea, since vampires and the people who love 'em have rarely have a sense of humor. These comments materialized last week:

This is honestly one of the first reviews of Moonlight I've seen that is negative. As the previous poster observed you obviously don't understand the motive of the show. unlike many other supernatural series Moonlight does not take itself too seriously, which is the entire point. The producers are striving for campy fun entertainment TV. Before you review something so harshly maybe take a step back and attempt to realize what the producers and writers are trying to achieve and the nature of your hypercritical measuring stick may evolve. It is sad to see TV critics take themselves too seriously and consequently miss the entire goal of a show. --Theo

First negative review? I'm about a month behind everyone else with my negative review! And then ...

I'm writing as a viewer who watches no other show on Friday night EXCEPT for Moonlight ! Yes I turn my TV on just to watch it.. and I have the thought that you will be hearing from alot of other Moonlight fans. I'm sorry that you obviously don't "get" the show.. but alot of us do. The show itself has improved with every episode. There have been many of your fellow "critics" (You know you can be a critic and say "positive" things about shows) .. who wrote negative reviews of Moonlight when it first premiered.. but have actually changed their minds ..and a few are addicted as well. You are missing out on a great hour of entertainment.. Your loss! --MaryP

Actually, I'm not--the point was that I'm watching Moonlight despite my better judgement and sobriety. It's still a fucking ridiculous show, but I'm addicted now too. So bite me ... I should really rephrase that ... alot. (Bill Frost)

Confessions of a Push Poller

[Politics] Some news has recently come out about an opinion research firm in Utah called Western Wats which has alleged to conducted push polling meant to change peoples minds about Mitt Romney. Now not saying I care for Romney much at all, but I do think it's deliciously ironic that a firm that would capitalize on defaming Romney operates right from the heart of The U.C. (Utah County), Romney country.

Now push polling if you dont know, means fake surveys that essentially spread rumors and false statements about a candidate to change public opinion, all while under the guise of being official survey research.

Now the thing is Western Wats may not exactly be spreading false statements about Romney, that may not technically be push polling, but chances are the surveys they are conducting are meant to take Mitt down a peg.

What would make me say this? Well I'm ashamed to admit it, but I used to work at the Western Wats in Spanish Fork while I was getting my associates at UVSC. Now it's very possible things have changed but I can say with some certainty that I used to get paid to do something like unto push polling if not exactly that.

We used to have to conduct surveys for example that were hired by Pharmaceutical companies where we would conduct "research" on peoples opinions about buying medication in Canada. We would ask their opinion on buying cheap meds over the border, and then we would list them negative facts about the "dangers" of Canadian meds and then ask them to rate their opinion on them again, and then we would list more dangers, and then rate their opinion again and again ad nauseum.

Essentially we were contracted to do aggressive research. Research that was meant not to gather unbiased opinion, but to change opinion. And I would tell every person I called that was exactly what was going on--only way I could conscienably do that job for six bucks an hour.

Now who knows for sure if they are doing that now, but one needs to remember that companies like Western Wats aren't think tanks that have researchers who write and craft official studies. No they contract out to hire poor college and high school kids to call and harass people at all hours of the day and night reading them surveys (written by their clients) with definite political agendas.

It was one of the reason I quit, that, and my "supervisor" hadn't hit puberty yet, and that made it hard for me to accept the authority of him not letting me read while I conducted my bullshit research. (Eric Peterson)

Only Mormon Minds Need Apply

[Media] You may recall a Salt Blog post regarding lobbyist/state GOP chairman/cum Deseret Morning News publisher Joe Cannon's announcement earlier this month about new niche publications that would target a whole new audience: Mormon readers!

Well, the work has begun. A concerned staff member of the Deseret Morning News just sent CW this e-mail about a couple of new openings to be filled soon at God's Newspaper. Here is the e-mail, forwarded by the staffer:

Soon there will be two open positions for writers and/or editors in a yet-to-be-named department working on yet-to-be-named new sections of the newspaper that will emphasize news and features of LDS interest. We're looking for people who have demonstrated strong news writing, reporting and/or editing abilities. Applicants must be familiar with LDS faith and culture, and able to produce content that will be of interest to a growing readership in print and online. The niche for these new sections will be: less "official" than the LDS Church News, more feature-oriented than City Desk's breaking-news coverage of the LDS Church and related events, and more LDS-specific than the weekly Religion/Ethics section. Employees of the new department also might participate in production of the Church News section. We'll be looking both inside and outside the Deseret Morning News to fill these slots. If you are interested, or know someone who might be, contact David Schneider, daves@desnews.com or 237-2158.

The source, who fears reprisal if named, points out: "Many non-LDS employees [of the DMN] are of course worried that a targeted emphasis on the LDS Church/LDS culture will make it even more difficult -- and it is plenty hard already -- to convince sources that we're fair and objective." (Holly Mullen)

Free Brubeck Bros. Tickets

[Music] The first 10 people to comment on this blog with their name (first and last for verification upon pickup) will score themselves a pair of tickets to Saturday night's Brubeck Bros. concert at the SLCC Grand Theatre. The write-up appearing in the upcoming Nov. 29 City Weekly:

THE BRUBECK BROTHERS Last week, we profiled the King Khan & BBQ Show. This week, we turn our attention to a completely different type of BBQ—the Brubeck Brothers Quartet. For those outside the contemporary jazz loop, multi-instrumentalist Chris Brubeck and his drummer/percussionist brother Dan honed their chops with great expectations. Father Dave Brubeck is a jazz giant (“Take Five” anyone?) whose work reverberates among even clueless cocktail party-goers who can't make heads or tails of Davis vs. Coltrane. Well, BBQ fills pop's shoes just fine, cranking out their own inspired jams with seemingly effortless zeal. Did we mention they throw in elements of funk, rock, classic blues and reggae? Now that's finger-licking good. Saturday, Dec. 1 @ SLCC Grand Theatre, 1575 S. State, 7:30 p.m. All-ages. Tickets: 957-3322

Ten free pairs of tickets are waiting; just leave your full name and viable e-mail address in a comment below. The first 10 be contacted to pick up the tickets at the City Weekly offices (248 S. Main) before Saturday. (Bill Frost)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Writers' Guild? Ha! More like Pornographers' Guild!

• My dental hygienist doesn't believe in global warming, and she's kind of a scientist.

• I, too, am outraged on behalf of Marie Osmond.

• You're just jealous because I'm more biblical than you.

• Everybody wrote this letter.

• We're shopping for world peace.

Happy Consumerpalooza!

[Shop, Drop] Today officially is "Black Friday" which while it sounds like the name of some third world labor riot put down violently is actually one of our greatest consumer culture holidays. It marks the time we need to start madly buying peoples love with lead covered toys and ever shrinking iaccessories.

And while I could take this opportunity to really go on a commie rant about how Christmas has become a totally artificial consumer holiday, completely divorced of any Christ-like notions of thrift, good will and service--I ain't gonna do it. Least not in this blog (stay tuned).

I happen to accept Xmas as the capitalist spending orgy that it is. sure you spend alot but I don't think all the conspicuous consumption negates all the giving, cheer, snowflake sweaters, hot beverages and all the rest of the fine Rockwellian bucolic splendor.

Apparently ol' Morgan Spurlock is doing another documentary apparently following some fairly ridiculous anti-shopping mock-church as they rail against consumerism. Which is fine.

But all I'm saying is that boycotting consumerism doesn't mean you have to whittle your family crappy wooden boats, or knit them tea cozys. Just think about patronizing small and local business first, before you get sucked into the gravitational pull of the first giant MegaLoMart you see off of I-15

Whereas Black Friday is a time for big retail chains to double their bajillion dollar holdings, it is also a time where many small local businesses have to pay the bills just to keep in business another year. Besides, you might have to look a little harder to find the small places, but theres not gonna be nearly the same shopping carnage. (Eric S. Peterson)

Serious Indigestion

[Annals of Medicine] And you thought you were full after yesterday's T-giving feast. Take this! (Holly Mullen)

Stop the Rubber Penises!

[NIMBY] So, some Sugar House neighborhood residents are now up in arms about the imminent move of Blue Boutique from its 20-year-old location in the Sugar House business district to a spot at 2100 South and 1400 East.

They're saying they had no knowledge of the move, didn't hear or read about it until it became too late to prevent the lingerie/accessory/piercing/adult toy business from opening across from Sugarhouse Park and three blocks from Highland High School.

If only they had read this story in City Weekly. Staff writer Ted McDonough covered the bases a whole month ago in this "where are they now" story about mom and pop businesses displaced by Mr. Scrooge developer Craig Mecham. Mecham, you'll recall, is turning the old Granite Block at 1100 East and 2100 South into condos and ugly stores that lack character.

The angry hordes also could have checked, when they first saw the big building going up on that site last summer, with Salt Lake City government. It's all public information, people. Now you're just going to have to put up with rampant rubber penises, I guess. (Holly Mullen)

Ix-Nay on Black Friday

[Mainstream Media] Several times a year, another reason why it made sense to leave daily newspapers for a job with the alternative press hits me upside the head. Example: The day after Thanksgiving.

This day has all but become a national holiday for most Americans. So among the mainstream media, there is little more to cover than the craziness of BLACK FRIDAY.

Every year, reporters assigned to this story try to find a new and interesting way to pump up America's need for greed. And every year they write the same old story. Door crashing, shopper-on-shopper violence while standing in line, hot-or-not toys. Blah, blah, blah. Why, just all on my own over the years I'm sure I've covered every possible angle on this non-story. How great would it be if every daily newspaper editor and TV news producer stuck it to the man and just said no to any coverage of Black Friday? I mean, you can't be part of the solution if you remain a major part of the problem. (Holly Mullen)

This is Wacked

[X-cycling] A press release pitching this mountain bike transformation kit came my way this morning.

Hmm. I love bicycling. I love back country skiing. But I kind of hope I don't run into one of those obsessed X Games types spinning around on one of these things this winter when I'm skiing a sweet little area in Big Cottonwood Canyon we like to call Mary Lee's Trees. Because I will want to hit him or her with something. Maybe my ski.

It's like this: Mountain biking all summer and fall. Skiing all winter and spring. Can we not just leave some sports pure and made-as-god-intended, without going all extreme and bat-shit crazy with after-market tinkering? A bike is a bike. Skis are skis. Got it?

If anyone out there has actually used one of these contraptions, let me know. What's the attraction? I can't imagine you converting me, but I never say never... (Holly Mullen)

SLAMMYs: Part Deux

[Local Music] Yesterday I was feeling all down and all sorry for myself like a whiny little baby. Today I woke up to the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade on TV and while I'm typically not into shopping-mall sponsored holiday events, the spectacle struck a nerve. I realized that nothing (especially one City Weekly issue) is worth getting worked up about, at least not to the extent that it puts me in a blue mood for the rest of the evening.

Today, and hopefully from here on out, I'm going to focus on what I'm thankful for, including the chance to write about music for a living and to constantly be exposed to great local talent. Here's to a great SLAMMYs experience.

Accentuate the positive, right?

Happy Turkey/Tofurkey Day everyone! (Jamie Gadette)

Where for Art Thou, Juliette?

[Music] Maybe someday, we'll get Juliette Lewis and her band The Licks to play a proper Salt Lake City show--maybe. Months ago, she was scheduled to open for Chris Cornell at The Depot, so we of course had to talk to her. Cornell then cancelled, leaving us with only Juliette ink.

The Licks returned later in the summer--but to Orem, opening for (of all bands) Muse. Juliette Lewis in Utah County ... the mind wobbles.

Tonight, Juliette & The Licks are back in the U-T-A-H again--this time, at Park City's Suede. PC is where I became a Licks convert a couple of years ago, witnessing the band rip through a hot set at Harry O's during the Sundance Film Festival. The crowd didn't give a shit; they were just there to be seen, which annoyed headliners Kings of Leon to no end. Lewis was unfazed. She's used to Sundance dickheads.

Here's a live clip of The Licks playing "Hot Kiss" from the new Four on the Floor album--not all actors attempting rock & roll are posers; Lewis is the real deal:



(Bill Frost)

Here We Go Again

[Local Music] Each year we try to do something to honor local bands, and each year we receive a litany of complaints. Oh wait. We don't receive complaints, people just complain behind our backs. We still love them. But damn, love hurts. (Jamie Gadette)

Utah Diversity: Mormons from Around the World

[Demographics] "Worldly" has always been a funny term for utah. In many ways you couldn't have a more culturally isolated and sheltered place, and then on the other hand you could drive to some small town like Paragonah and probably find half the town speaks a second language (at least the males who went on LDS missions that is).

It seems Utah really is a diverse place through an LDS lens, but could all that be changing? An ominous news story covered in the dailies recently showed Mormons making up a historic low in Utah's population--only 60 percent.

Which comparatively speaking is still quite the stranglehold for any one religious demographic for an entire state. Yet what is interesting is that Utah is sssllooowly making a move towards greater diversity, but the only question is whether or not the shape of diversity in utah to come will be outside the church's influence or just another manifestation of it?

Many things seem to point to an all together cosmopolitan outlook. On the economic front we've never had a Governor more active in introducing Utah business directly to foreign powerhouses like India and China. Politically the University of Utah is garnering people active in Intl. politics, and not just academically speaking.

Like the U's recent law school hire Chibli Mallat who is currently running for president of Lebanon, while also teaching about Middle Eastern law, quite impressive and worth checking out here

Beyond that our wise city planners and masterminds of the Downtown Rising project are hoping to create a "Utah World Trade Center" which would actually consolidate all of the scattered international business and nonprofit interests in the state, as well as a university partnered conflict resolution and peace studies center, all into a sleek downtown building that kind of looks like Al Pacino's casino in Ocean's 13.

So the future looks bright and diverse, but when all is said and done it will be hard to say whether or not it will be truly cosmopolitan or just an evolved Mormon mecca as it is today. Not until we get there at least. (Eric S. Peterson)

Where is My Favorite Restaurant?

[MIA] My favorite restaurant has vanished and I'm upset.

Lemon Grass Thai Cuisine, on 200 South just above 400 West, had my favorite dish—a sea bass in a "special" spicy red sauce. M-m-m-m, sea bass. It was perfectly located in a cavernous building with old comfortable booths. The restaurant was there a couple of weeks ago. And now, not.

I am hoping the restaurant has moved, rather than closed for good. If anyone knows what has become of Lemon Grass, please let me know. (Ted McDonough)

This Week's Boring Political Announcement

[Politics] Utah lawyers attending last weekend's continuing legal education seminar at the Salt Palace were treated to a lunch talk from Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr. (From the governor’s point of view the visit was a perfect gig. Thousands of lawyers—annually among the biggest givers to political campaigns—trapped in a room while they earn “hours” of “education” required to keep their licenses.)

Huntsman outlined his priorities—hiking schoolteacher pay, improving air quality and expanding availability of health insurance. Then, the governor acknowledged that he would need more than his current term to make real headway on that list.

Junior plans to run for a second term. No real surprise there. And we will have to see if the decision sticks when he is offered the veep spot on a McCain ticket. (Ted McDonough)

What's Up, Docs?

[Film] Every year, people ask me to predict the Academy Awards. And every year I resist, because I want nothing to do with furthering the legitimacy of this gold-statuette-dispensing gaggle of clown-shoes.

The latest example of the Motion Picture Academy's mind-boggling lack of artistic vision comes with this week's announcement of the 15 "short-listed" finalists for the Documentary Feature category. Since you may know little about the specific titles listed, let me offer some helpful Harper's Index-style statistics:

* Percent of finalists that are in some way about America's Middle East adventure: 26.6%
* Percentage of finalists that are in some way about war: 53.3%
* Percentage of finalists that are about a clearly and obviously "important issue" like slave labor, Chinese democracy, health care, abortion, etc.: 100%

So forget a shot for the year's most interesting and stylistically innovative documentaries: Manda Bala (Send a Bullet), Manufactured Landscapes, The King of Kong, My Kid Could Paint That, Protagonist. Always desperately concerned about putting on its serious face, the Academy ignores anything that doesn't come with Cliff's Notes thesis statements. Remember: These are the awards given by an industry to itself. Trust them accordingly. (Scott Renshaw)

AmeriMexiCanada

[U.S. in Peril] According to some guy who wrote a book, the North American Union (the United States, Mexico and Canada merged into a single nation Euro-style) is but a few years away. Apart from the obvious upside of gaining access to Canada's natural resources of water, oil and beer, what's the big deal? It's the slippery slope to ... a New World Order!

"Everything is in place," says author Daniel Estulin, a former Canuck. "Europe is now one country, one currency and one constitution. North America is about to become one. The African Union has had its working model going for over a decade. Asia is openly discussing the near-future Asian Union, being sold to us as an economic inevitability beneficial to all its citizens."

If this still sounds good (or at least convenient) to you flaming liberals, know this: Your local neighborhood skate/snowboard shop is agin it! Seems like an odd fit, but Salty Peaks Skate & Snowboard Shop is actively advertising StopTheNorthAmericanUnion.com, a website created by another hyper-motivated author to, well, stop the North American Union.

Snowboarders and skate rats united against the evil tyranny of The Man? Wasn't that Hot Dog: The Movie? Everything turned out fine there. (Bill Frost)

Reach Up. Step Touch It. That's It. Reach High.

[Balls] Our mighty operations manager recently hooked us up with large inflatable balls (*snicker*) to replace our rigid office chairs. It took some getting used to, but I'm quickly becoming a ball convert. Seriously. My abs are rock hard. I'm thinking of starting a Wednesday ball aerobics class in the conference room. Something like this:



Yee-Haw! You're looking so good!

(Jamie Gadette)

Turkey Clubbing

[Music] Home for the holiday? You're done with the familial obligation; now it's you time. Here's your electro-pop, chick-rock, drag queen, punk-show-filled weekend.

Thursday 11.22
Trapp Door (615 W. 100 South)
Thanksgiving night's foremost party, "Dance Evolution" is packed wall to wall with the uni-sexiest mix of culture you didn't know we had. This is the place to escape and dance your trypto-fanny off. DJ/DC spins the hottest jams of urban electro-pop with hosts Jake and Justice commencing your unanticipated weekend. Door at 9 p.m., $5 cover. BUT, if you don "oldy-timey" costume for this Inuit v. Pilgrim party, your admission is free.

Friday 11.23
Monk's (19 E. 200 South)
Is live chick-rock your thing? Head to this bomb shelter-turned-venue for a sweet Salt Lake City treat. Ever-elusive regional beloved Andale! graces the stage with front siren Memorie Morrison’s melodic tales of anxiety and job resentment. Opener Blackhole is … how do you say in Utah? … AWESOME. Door at 10 p.m., $5 cover.

Mynt Lounge, (63 W. 100 South)
For you who crave a more extra-ordinary edge, Crush is the club. Native "Glamor Tycoon" Matthew Landis hosts this see-and-be-scene. Local legend D.J. Nick James will be announcing plans for the super exclusive speakeasy "Night at the Disco." No one throws down underground N.Y. retro-ultra-beats like Nick. My sources tell me there will be a super-secret international celeb-utante threatening a mid-night show. Door at 10 p.m., $5 cover.

Saturday 11.24
Burt's Tiki Lounge (726 S. State)
If PBR specials, hot girls and dirty boys are what you seek. Headlining an all-star slam fest week-ender, local punk sensation Negative Charge takes you to a jolting climax. Door at 10 p.m., $5 cover. (Princess Kennedy)

The Fed Ex Way

[Stopping Traffic] The place: Broadway (300 South) between Main Street and West Temple in downtown SLC.

The time: Lunch hour.

The scene: Fed Ex panel truck backs out of an alley after driver's partner makes a delivery. Truck turns west onto Broadway, and tries to move back into traffic flow. Oops! There, in the one-lane road (remember, angled parking along Broadway has removed a lane of traffic) sits a big-ass moving van, painted with the logo "Lucky Moving" and idling in front of the American Towers condominiums. Fed Ex guy jumps out of the truck's passenger seat, gestures wildly at the moving van blocking his way and hollers "What the hell does that guy think he's doing?!

No kidding. Don't you just hate it when some random truck driver blocks the road to others just to do his job? You'd think he was a Federal Express driver or something. (Holly Mullen)

SLAM!

[Local Music] While most of you are undoubtedly counting down the hours to Turkey/Tofurkey Day, I've got my mind set on January when City Weekly will put our revamped SLAMMYs plan into action.

In years past, we wrapped our local music issue around the South By Southwest music festival, sending down the winner of our battle of the bands competition to Austin where they performed in a showcase and (ideally) networked with "pretty big deals."

This year, festival organizers cut down our privileges, granting us fewer all-access music badges and one or two wristbands for the musicians. This came as no surprise to us as City Weekly was one of the last few alt-weeklies to hook up local groups with a show in Austin. Rather than throw a fit, we went back to the drawing board and instigated changes that should have been made long ago.

First, we decided to turn SLAMMYs into more of a showcase rather than a competitive forum. We also did away with applications, choosing instead to nominate bands that we feel best represent our local music scene. The nominating committee included myself, Bill Frost, several freelancers, record store owners and radio hosts whose tastes range from metal to country to blues and (nearly) everything in between.

Nominated acts will perform in one of three genre-appropriate showcases in January where audience members can vote for their favorites on-site or later online. There will no longer be a Band of the Year. We really want to emphasize the showcase aspect of this endeavor. We want to support local bands and expose readers to talented artists. When the lineups are announced, if you don't see your favorite band listed, go ahead and write them in! We encourage you to do so. We do not, however, encourage you to complain after the fact.

Be the change you want in the world, and all that. Here's to 2008! (Jamie Gadette)

Da Baum

[Comedy: Review] Wiseguys is the venue where accomplished veterans showcase their talent and young comedians try their hand. Before headliner Bruce Baum took the stage on Nov. 16, Wiseguys' line-up proved promising.

The moment MC Aaron Burrell appeared, he began charming the audience. His personal, although exaggerated, stories lead to some great self-deprecating humor. His jokes often seemed familiar, but the punch line always landed somewhere unexpected and hilarious.

Then came John Hilder, who alienated the audience almost immediately. His act was intolerable: jokes about blacks lacking financial responsibility; digs at Hispanics; slams of little people. The laughter died fast.

The third comedian, Blake Bard salvaged the evening with his Vince Vaughn looks and wealth of experience for the stage. Bard is well-traveled and it shows. He’s comfortable in his skin and in front of a crowd, blending perfect timing with a slightly dark edginess.

With audience confidence restored, Bruce Baum proved to be the seasoned veteran he is. From the moment he took the stage, he owned it. His enthusiasm and ease were immediately disarming. Suddenly, this was his house and he was there to show this audience a great time.

With his signature prop comedy, Baum entertained with the eagerness of a boy, minus some of the crude humor. His act felt spontaneous: jokes, poems and impressions flowed from him one right after the other.

But the best moments were his songs. The audience was favored first with a tune called "Cow-ifornication "in which Baum, dressed in a cow costume, sang his own version of "Californication" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers—or as he called them, "the Red Hot Chili Heifers." But it wasn’t the cow suit that got all the laughs. It was his clever rewrite of the song—although, the image of a grown man in a cow costume was amusing.

Baum then suggested that 20 years ago he recorded a song which was recently ripped off by the Pussycat Dolls. Sure, they changed a few words, he claimed, but Baum’s version is the real deal. As a music video of Baum played on the monitors, he sang out "Don't Cha Wish Your Boyfriend Was Bald Like Me?" It was a beyond-hilarious show-stopper.

Throughout his set, Baum kept his momentum. His writing was quick and witty, and you had to be fast to keep up. He performs like the guy determined to keep you laughing, the guy you’d like to have as a friend.

Take any chance to catch Burrell, Bard or Baum in the future. But plan a bathroom break around Hilder. (Tawnya Cazier)

Happy Landings

[Castner Update] Our analysis of the quick heave-ho KSL Nightside Project's Michael Castner got from uptight management is still generating a river of response. It seems a lot of people have managed to read the Kremlin Wall and are having none of KSL station management's explanation of budget cuts.

In my interview with Castner the day after he was fired, he lamented about what he'll do between "opportunities."

"I've been doing some kind of radio show my whole adult life," he said. "You wake up one morning and you have no audience. What do I do? Go out in the back yard and talk to the ducks?"

Well, it hasn't come to that ... yet. Tonight, Castner launches his own podcast. He's promising lively interviews and will include some of the old personalities from his Nightside broadcasts who no longer have an SLC forum, either. (Holly Mullen)

Vente Vexed

[Media] Cry us a river of Frappucino: Wisconsin alt-weekly Shepherd Express has been tossed out of Milwaukee Starbucks locations because of a deal struck between local daily newspaper Journal Sentinel and the coffee giant. Says the Express:

"After the deal with Starbucks was completed, one of the Journal Sentinel's free weeklies ran an ad claiming that they would now be the exclusive free weekly in the 48 Starbucks locations throughout metro-Milwaukee. This is simply another bullying, anti-competitive tactic by the Journal Sentinel."

So why can't I, as a fellow weekly-newspaper guy, muster up much sympathy for the Shepherd Express? Because City Weekly has never been allowed into Salt Lake City Starbucks; at least the Express had a foot in the door for a while. Now, just as SLC residents have for years, Milwaukee-ites will have to sip their overpriced Charbucks while reading an inferior knockoff of a weekly that has an exclusive, paid-for In. There are plenty of local coffee shops with better brew--patronize them, whether they have a stack of City Weeklies up front or not.

Remember: Friends don't let friends drink Starbucks. (Bill Frost)

Talking Turkey

[Community] The Utah Food Bank needs donations to help put turkeys on the tables of deserving Utah families this Thanksgiving.

The Man doesn't want deserving families to have turkeys; he wants them to have Soylent Green. Here's your chance to stick it to the man! Every $10 buys a turkey--and Siegfried & Jensen, whom you may recognize from the phone book or even from your own slip-and-fall negligence lawsuit, has agreed to match the first 1,000 turkeys donated online.

So, even though Siegfriend & Jensen, with their suits and ties and briefcases and haircuts, look like The Man, they're actually helping stick it to the man. Just goes to show you can't always judge a book by its cover.

Why not slip the Utah Food Bank a $20? Those mashed potatoes, fresh-baked rolls and apple pies taste better when you've got a warm feeling in your tummy from doing the right thing. (Brandon Burt)

Forgotten Letterhead

[Solicitation] It's time once again for the Utah State Hospital's Forgotten Patient Christmas Project. Hospital volunteers are soliciting gifts for the indigent mentally ill who often receive little or no attention during the holidays.

Food, clothing, hobby items and personal grooming items are all needed. Learn more by calling Shawna at 801-344-4254 or by going here.

And while we're at it, we might put in a pitch for new letterhead for the state hospital's office supply closet. The top of the Nov. 13, 2007 solicitation letter cites Olene Walker as governor (Jon Huntsman Jr. replaced her in 2004) and Robin Arnold-Williams as executive director of the state Department of Human Services. Oops again! Arnold-Williams was last seen at DHS about 3 1/2 years ago.

How about it Santa Huntsman? Considering we're poised for another year of whopping state budget surplus, couldja please deliver a new ream of stationery to the folks down in Provo? (Holly Mullen)

Amacher TV

[Illiteracy in Action] A Saturday post on local blog Voice of Utah (You can post on weekends? Hmm ...) highlighted a classified ad looking for investors for a Flip This House-style TV show. VU made astute points about Utah's housing market and the general unrealism of such "reality" shows, but was surprisingly merciful in not mentioning the wording of the ad:

Where to start? "Amachers"? "Fixing up housed"? "There journey"? Are these really the people you want handling your investment bucks? (Bill Frost)

Becker Metaphored to Death

[Dept. of Overwriting] It's been said that everything important in life can be summed up with a baseball metaphor. Even so, must The Salt Lake Tribune subject us to extra innings? (Holly Mullen)

Black Magic Woman

[Music: Review] Two arts merged to create a magical night of auditory hallucinations and visual fantasy at the Utah Symphony with illusionist Lyn Dillies (left). Wind, strings and percussion from the orchestra composed musical dreams that music inspires; lights, mirrors and three white doves fabricated child-like awe.

The night of tricks and treats began with Dillies conjuring Utah Symphony assistant conductor David Cho out of thin air. Dillies then disappeared backstage until the second half, allowing the audience to build up anticipation and excitement while listening to the spooky sounds of Gounod’s Funeral March of Marionette and John Williams’ suite from Harry Potter. The first act was properly concluded with a perfect pizzicato performance of Anderson’s Plink, Plank, Plunk. The precise plucks of the stringed instruments provoked passion in the audience. Pure magic.

The second half commenced with Dillies taking center stage and conducting her own magical movement, complete with "slicing and dicing" her male assistant Marc LeBlanc. An anomaly in the male-dominated magic kingdom, Dillies—superbly backed by the powerful music of Holst’s The Planets' "Mars, the Bringer of War"—vertically boxed in LeBlanc and in an Alien-esque moment proceeded to push herself, from behind, through his belly. However, humor was not lacking in the LynFlex trick, a Dillies invention to keep fit while on the road: to the accompaniment of Kabalevsky’s The Comedians, LeBlanc stretched and shrunk Dillies small frame to extremes.

Neither music nor magic dominated the performance; each accentuated and complemented the other, leaving symphony-goers chatting in the halls of fabulous musical moments and the wonderment of "How on earth did she do that?" (Kris Heitkamp)

What Would Jesus Bench?

[Spreadin' the Word] Apparently, Florida's Omega Force teaches kids about God by breaking baseball bats, bending steel rods and tearing phone books over and over again. But if you didn't read the mission statement, this video from GodTube.com (a new favorite here) looks more like two hulking bumblebees who scare the beJesus into children through sheer intimidation--which, really, is the more fun way to watch this POD-pumped clip ...



And if anyone can explain this ...




(Bill Frost)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Even though the private-school-voucher bill was voted down, and I'm not sending my kids to private school, would I still get money for home-schooling them, if I were home-schooling them, which I'm not?

• We're shooting animals to save them.

• We're spinning donuts on Indian burial grounds to save them.

• When Mrs. Crabtree asks me to pound the erasers, I know what she really means.

• Privatization makes everything better. Just look at Blackwater.

• The next person who wishes me "Happy Holidays" gets it right in the mistletoe.

• (And by "lunatic," of course, I mean me.)

• I'm starting to think that, when conservatives use the word "liberal," they're saying it like it's a bad thing.

(Brandon Burt)

MittiWiki

[Politics, kinda] Go here for the latest addition to "Dickipedia, the Wiki for Dicks."

Question: What took them so long?

Hat tip to the public relations jokers at Huffington Post. (Holly Mullen)

Buy the Book

[Holiday Feel-Good] This is a great program:

The South Main Clinic in Salt Lake City (affiliated with the University of Utah health care system) takes part in a national not-for-profit children's literacy program, Reach Out and Read. ROR focuses on children ages 6 months to 5 years old, living at or near poverty level. Family practice doctors and pediatricians distribute carefully selected new, developmentally and culturally appropriate books, including bilingual books available in 12 languages. Each child who participates in Reach Out and Read starts kindergarten with a home library of up to 10 books and a parent who has heard at every well-child visit about the importance of books and reading with their kids.

According to the ROR Web site, "studies show that parents who get books and literacy counseling from their doctors and nurses are more likely to read to their young children, read to them more often, and provide more books in the home. Low-income children exposed to Reach Out and Read show improved language development, which is the single strongest predictor of school success. Children score four to eight points higher on vocabulary tests, giving 2-year-olds a six-month head start developmentally."

Using the existing health care system to deliver literacy advice and books to families, ROR doctors gave nearly 38,000 new books to almost 25,000 Utah infants, toddlers and preschoolers at 23 sites across the state last year.

The South Main Clinic has been participating in this program for several years. I wrote a story about the South Main program a long time ago for another newspaper. I loved the program then; I love it now. And I'm glad I got a news release today showing ROR is still alive and well. If you are wracking your brain for an inexpensive holiday charity idea that will make a big difference this season, try this:

Buy a new book, appropriate for children ages 6 months through 5 years. Bilingual books are encouraged. Board books are also recommended--they're practically indestructible. ROR does not accept books with politically and socially sensitive themes, such as divorce, death, abuse, sexuality (you get the drift). Any books of that nature will be discarded.

Take the book, unwrapped, to:

The South Main Clinic (weekdays, regular business hours)
3690 S Main Street
Salt Lake City, Utah

The rest of this assignment is easy. Sit back and feel good about building society's literacy power. (Holly Mullen)

Got Change for a Ron Paul?

[Funny Money] This week, the guv'ment raided and shut down a company that makes coins for Liberty Dollar, an "alternative currency" outfit servicing folks who prefer "private voluntary barter" when purchasing "aluminum foil hats." The Feds say it's akin to counterfeiting, while supporters of the Liberty Dollar barter system insist that Federal Reserve Notes are fake. So you can see how this is going to shake out.

"For approximately six hours they [FBI and Secret Service agents] took all the gold, all the silver, all the platinum, and almost two tons of Ron Paul Dollars that were just delivered last Friday. They also took all the files and computers and froze our bank accounts," said Bernard von NotHaus (hey, that name is as real as his money), the company's "monetary architect," in a press release. "We have no money. We have no products. We have no records to even know what was ordered or what you are owed. We have nothing but the will to push forward and overcome this massive assault on our liberty and our right to have real money as defined by the U.S. Constitution."

Liberty Dollar equates its "competition" with the Federal Reserve to the U.S. Postal Service's coexistence with FedEx and, at least according to them, Liberty Dollars are used by around 100,000 patrons and retailers. Just don't try tipping a dancer at Trails with a Chiropractic Dollar--learned this the hard way ... (Bill Frost)

Force Play

[Blockheads] It's just toys and a camera -- but didn't Steven Spielberg start out that way?

In a recent contest held by LEGO, amateur auteurs were invited to submit films starring their LEGO Star Wars figures. And in the 13-17 year old age group, the winner from a nationwide pool was a Lehi teenager identified only as "Eden." Check out his winning entry, which suggests both that he's been watching some Monty Python and the Holy Grail lately, and that I really need to be buying my son more LEGOS. (Scott Renshaw)

Going With the Faux

[Trends] All Utah males are now legally required to wear fauxhawks, but few think about what their hair is saying. In the immortal words of Timbuk3:

Hairstyles and attitudes: Are they connected?
Are the styles we embrace a matter of taste, or values rejected?
Hairstyles and attitudes: How do they relate?
How well do we use our freedom to choose the images we create?

'80s Mohawk--It would be easy to imagine that today's fauxhawk is simply a transformation of the 1980s glam-punk mohawk (which itself was a re-purposing of the 1940s-50s mohawk, supposedly based on a hairstyle sported by hunters of the Mohican nation.)

However, where the fauxhawk seems to signal a friendly devotion to modern values and sweaters, as well as the presence of a Y chromosome, the glamhawk--which was worn by both men and women--signaled its wearer's readiness to shoot heroin and engage in listless sex. Even though it could be difficult to tell '80s punks apart when they were aggregated in large groups, the glamhawk positioned itself as nonconformist, whereas the fauxhawk makes no apology for its own mainstream tendencies.

'40s & '50s Mohawk--A much closer analogy can be made with the mohawk of the '40s and '50s which, existing as it did during the lead-up to McCarthyism, was more reticent to declare itself countercultural. That kind of loose talk could easily get a hairstyle thrown in jail or blacklisted. (Eventually, of course, it transformed itself into the pompadour favored by greasers and so maintained its countercultural cred.)

In fact, today's fauxhawk is most closely allied to the hairstyle worn by one of America's most beloved icons: J.B.'s Big Boy. Resembling a dollop of brown Dream Whip, it symbolizes egalitarian values, passable food and friendly service. (Brandon Burt)

Word of the Day and Porn Spam Combined...Finally!

[Spamtastic] You know after months of receiving poorly written porn spams in my inbox advertsing "hott tenes" and "hrony slluttts" I'm finally receiving some that are trying to engage my mind as well as my libido.

This is what I decided after receiving one with the subject line reading "prurient prostitutes"

It was so unique I had to look up prurient, which as it turns out means "having or characterized by lustful or lascivious thoughts." So I learned a new word!

Fantastic! I've even seen two more drop in the box today: "grandiose ladies" and "sophisticated sluts" it's all so refreshing I wish other spammers would take a cue and start catering to a more intellectual niche in the porn consuming market. (Eric S. Peterson)

Numbs the Word

[Music] One of Utah's most enduring (read: they've been around a long damn time) hip-hop groups Numbs have landed tracks on videogames and TV shows in the past, but this week they've made what may be their biggest score yet: "Dedication," a great cut from their latest Nfinity, will show up somewhere in NBC's Friday Night Lights on, well, Friday night.

Says Numbs emcee Mark Dago, "Now if ONLY we could land a song on Lost ... feel me?"

Yeah, because while critics love Friday Night Lights, the high school/college football drama/soap hasn't yet caught on with TV viewers--believe it or not, more people actually watch CBS' boneheaded vampire drama Moonlight in the same timeslot! Numbs' "Art of the Strike" would be perfect for that show ... (Bill Frost)

Got Any Flip-Flops?

[Politics] What prized possessions would you be willing to sell to help elect Mitt Romney?

Whaddaya mean you'd sell something to help him not get elected? That isn't the question.

The Romney for President team has unveiled its Mitt Market feature -- a chirpy little homegrown eBay wannabe. The Romney campaign will get a financial cut from sales through its arrangement with AuctionPal.

The Romney site asks: "Do you have items lying around that you don't use? From bicycles that the kids have outgrown to old electronics or baseball cards, your stuff may be someone else's treasure."

And don't go getting any ideas that you can make a killing on behalf of Mitt by unloading that vintage Porsche Speedster taking up space in your garage. All federal election rules and spending limits apply.

Actually, I'd like to know: What items should people sell to help Romney get elected?

And a Salt Blog hat tip to Utah Policy Daily. (Holly Mullen)

Grrr, No Thanks

[Refusing Swag] Just so y'all know dear readers, I won't be accepting the free offer* that came in the mail today, which reads:

Dear Ben:

We invite you to join us for our 45th season at Park City Mountain Resort.

Please present this card to the Resort Services Office, in the Resort Base Area, to receive your Complimentary Season Pass with Fast Tracks privileges.

We look forward to seeing you on the mountain.

Peter R. Curtis
President and General Manger (sic)
Park City Mountain Resort

*Besides the fact that taking this freebie (the top-of-the-line pass--$1,350 for the average schlub on two planks) would run counter to every ethical rule in the book, I scarcely resemble Ben Fulton, who hasn't worked at City Weekly since the end of last ski season.

Also, I only ski at Alta. (Holly Mullen)

Ms. Punytive Pontificates

[Promos Gone Wild] OK, Gold's Gym of Orem, just where do you get off holding a contest titled Mr. Puniverse that has the "puny" men of Utah compete in such challenges as:

* Girly Scream Competition
* Arm Wrestling an Old Lady

"At last," the promotion reads, "there’s a fitness competition that doesn’t revolve around the biggest and strongest, but rather the smallest and weakest."

And to show just how small and weak a man can be, a puny man who can outdo all others screaming like a "girl" (would this be a young female who has not gone through puberty?) AND pushing back an old lady's arm (what age might this lady be? And how is it that a "lady" would be caught dead arm-wrestling a puny "gentleman" in a gym?) can win $1,000.

Well, eat your hearts out, puny men of Orem, because the winner of Dallas' Mr. Puniverse competition got to go to Nevada's world-famous Bunny Ranch . You can read all about it under the heading "Mr. Puniverse Gets Laid!" Too bad all you got was a lame ol' gym membership.

But then, you probably didn't look this good. (Jerre Wroble)

Good Godfrey!

[Politics] The votes have finally been counted, and Ogden mayor Matthew Godfrey has been re-elected for another term. We go now live to his victory celebration ...



(Bill Frost)

Photojournalist as Dick

[Media] Chris Detrick, staff photographer at The Salt Lake Tribune, frequently contributed stunning images of the aftermath of the Crandall Canyon Coal Mine collapse last summer. With Tribune credentials, Detrick provided some outstanding pictures of grieving family members of the six miners whose bodies remain trapped in the Emery County mine, and survivors of an additional three workers who died in a failed rescue attempt.

Detrick's photos exuded passion for his subject, such empathy for the suffering of others.

So, when it came time to make a Halloween costume for the party circuit last month, Detrick reached again for that compassion and came up with this costume: A bruised and bloodied dead miner.

Here are the photos, as posted on Provo Daily Herald photo editor Ashley Franscell's blog. Franscell is Detrick's girlfriend. She dressed up as astronaut gone-haywire Lisa Nowak.


One source says "there is a groundswell of disapproval from Trib staffers, but a few who think it's pretty funny."

What do you think? (Holly Mullen)

You're Gonna Die! Tonight at 10 ...

[Media] As we've gone over here before, November Sweeps is the time when your local TV news stations trot out an alleged danger lurking just around the corner, then present their pat solution once they've hooked you. The latest round ...

ABC 4: Using a tanning bed this winter will kill your children! Unless they're under 18 and saw this same damn report the first 37 times on every other channel.

KUTV 2: There's lead in your dinner plates! Not enough to actually matter, but we'll test 'em for you anyway!

Fox 13: There's meth residue in your motel room! Of course, that's probably the least-concerning substance strewn about in most motel rooms; tune in for the special report "Utah Jizz: The Semen Scare" tomorrow at 9.

Sweeps ain't over for a couple of more weeks. Courage. (Bill Frost)

I Learned It By Watching You

[Protest 2] Holly's post regarding tomorrow's planned body-bag parade helps call into question the efficacy of scare tactics employed by seemingly well-meaning agencies fighting the good fight against tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. I quit smoking nearly two years ago, but whenever I see a commercial depicting someone with a voice box, an intricate map of clogged lungs or other gross attempts to defame nicotine, I want to run down the street to Chevron for a pack of Marlboro Lights. Seeing a bunch of body bags will make me think of death, but I'll probably be more concerned with the ongoing slaughter in Iraq and Darfur than with how many cigarettes my co-workers smoke on the roof. There must be a better way to disuade kids from smoking. Didn't we learn anything from the failed Drug-Free America tactics? I mean, this commerical could easily be followed with footage of stoned skateboarders putting the empty pool to better use:



(Jamie Gadette)

Bag 'Em

[Protest] Let's see. If it's on Main Street, if it requires a long row of body bags for props it must be ... a protest!

OK. We'll bite.

From sponsoring agency Utah Health Department: By lining up body bags "Utah's youth anti-tobacco revolution--the Phoenix Alliance--will show Utahns how many people die from tobacco products every day in this country."

Those kooky kids will line 'em up this Thursday from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. in front of the TRAX line on Main between 100 South and 400 South. Then again, more body bags from 6 p.m. to 7 p.m. in front of the Energy Solutions Arena, on South Temple between 200 West and 300 West.

So, just to underscore: Downtown will be lousy with body bags during Thursday's afternoon rush hour. Do not be alarmed. (Holly Mullen)

Beast Bleeding. Again

[Polygamy ad Nauseum] Caught KSL's less than ground-breaking expose on the profligacy with which food stamps are treated on the Utah-Arizona border by our polygamous neighbors.

This story, much like KSL's repeated harping on about Warren Jeffs' suicide attempt in jail and self-confessed acts of "immorality" 30 years ago--long after every other news organization has already rung it dry--leaves a decidedly sour taste in the mouth. It's almost as if KSL is waving in the face of its LDS audience why they should be grateful they're not tied up with extremists like the FLDS.

Dragging out the hoary old chestnut of the food stamps story just adds to this sense of sermonizing, of saying "aren't you lucky you're with the one and true church and not these dubious characters down south?"

While "bleeding the beast," as the practice of ripping the state off for all you can get is well known, it doesn't seem to stop KSL from attempting to stir up a little controversy. That these women at the end of the day have children to feed, and that despite countless stories going back a decade or more on this subject the authorities have chosen to do nothing, doesn't seem to get in the way of what Channel 5 still see after all these years as a good story. (Stephen Dark)

Warholing it Up

[Art] The Utah Museum of Fine Arts (right there on the University of Utah campus) has got a hold of a fine roaming exhibition entitled Andy Warhol's Dream America.

I checked this out this last weekend and it is a very nice display of the controversial artist's piecemeal commercialized vision of America.

I'd have to say I quite liked the John Wayne screen print and even more the Mao print just because it's so deliciously ironic to mass produce technicolored portraits of such an iconic communist figure.

The piece also has some unique "suites" of Jackie O and some strangely poppy, yet, creepy prints of an electric chair. Very awesome stuff for the art snob and layman alike. One thing I would ask just out of curiosity to anyone going is to ask yourself, "Is his whole work really a quirky celebration of American capitalist society? Or is it a critique?"

Shoot, I dunno--but here's a link to the UMFA site for more details. (Eric S. Peterson)

That's So Hot

[Precious Celebrities] Just when you thought Utah produced the ultimate in alcohol-control-related news, those dang celebrities go and highlight a region with far more ludicrious problems.

Kind of puts things into perspective, huh? (Jamie Gadette)

Fun With Headlines

Anti-drug group to meet, watch film.

... and, in a related story, Mike "Bluntman" Richardson plans to get together with his friends Doozer, Gandalf and Snake at his place Saturday afternoon for some "killer bud." The group is slated to present a screening of The Wizard of Oz with Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon replacing the film's original soundtrack. (Brandon Burt)

The New Mormon News

[Media] A few years ago we seem to recall the Deseret Morning News (then known as the Deseret News, sans Morning) tried to increase its readership by expanding its appeal to non-LDS readers. The reporting staff was beefed up. A hot shot, Pulitzer Prize winner was brought in to edit the paper. The News wasn’t going to be just for Mormons anymore.

Apparently, the plan didn’t work out as well as expected.

New editor Joe Cannon in a recent memo to staff explains that the D-News has found an exciting new niche of readers to target … Mormons. To that end, he has appointed a new “assistant managing editor for LDS faith and culture” and is planning several new publications to target the faithful.

“We also have the great fortune of having a second, perhaps even more valuable, niche: the LDS culture,” Cannon writes staffers. “The worldwide market for that niche is sizeable.”

The editor ominously ads filling that niche will require “real fundamental change.”

You can read Cannon’s memo here, as posted on “Memo’s sent to Romenesko,” a newspaper industry forum compiled by Jim Romenesko on Poynter Online. (Ted McDonough)

Loony Toons of Doom

[Web] It's been a while since we've run across a good nutso conspiracy website, but we may have struck gold with AwakeAndArise.org: It's local, it's batshit crazy, and there are even a few points that City Weekly can agree on! Such as ...

"[KNRS 570 talk-show host] Bob Lonsberry ... a vicious, currupt and wicked man, a Shill, a propagandist for the New World Order and part of the Great and Abominable Church of the Devil ..." "Michael Medved, Child of Hell ..." and "fake establishment [Mitt] Romney."

So what do they like at AwakeAndArise.org? Ron Paul ("Next President of the United States"), former LDS Church president Ezra Taft Benson ("beloved and true American Patriot"), K-Talk 630 radio (dozens of pirated MP3s of the conspiracy-nut station's shows), crackpot 9/11 theories (the destruction of the Twin Towers was an "inside job" by our Satanic guv'ment), Diebold debunking (then how we gonna vote Ron Paul in?), and so much more. Hours of time- and brain-cell-killing fun here, for sure. Did I mention that they looove Ron Paul?

But, be clear: "We want to encourage readers to grasp the prophetic warnings and statements we have been given which pertain specifically to our time and what we must do to preserve freedom and cease supporting and being deceived into upholding secret combinations which will prove our own destruction ... This site is not endorsed nor has any affiliation with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ..."

Hear that sigh of relief from North Temple? (Bill Frost)

For All Your Turkey-Head Needs ...

[Online Shopping] ... you can visit this fine Website, mentioned in Ted Scheffler's upcoming Dining story. No, it's not clear what any of those turkey-head needs might be. Just know that, if you ever need a freeze-dried turkey head, you can get one for $30 (unpainted).

Coffee substitute? Tree-trimmer? Organic potscrubber? Let your imagination run wild! (Brandon Burt)

Tough Pill to Swallow

[Journalistic Propaganda] Veteran Salt Lake Tribune business writer Lesley Mitchell must have been choking back heartburn while writing this full-blown Sunday cover story on employers who have no choice but to pass along rising health care costs to the rank and file of their companies.

"Sickened by the cost," the headline of Mitchell's story bleats. And then, the subhead: "Sky-high insurance forces more employers to pass along the burden, or pass on care altogether."

The week before, social services beat writer Kirsten Stewart weighed in on essentially the same subject: how small businesses (in this case, Liberty Heights Fresh boutique grocery owner Steven Rosenberg) struggle so hard to buy health insurance for their workers they simply have to opt out of offering that benefit anymore. Yet somehow, Rosenberg can continue to sell tiny plastic containers of hummus for $6-plus. But I digress.

What could have been the impetus for two business cover features on the same topic, and in such detail? Well, back at the MediaNews Group ranch (parent company of the Trib, the Denver Post, the St. Paul Pioneer Press, San Jose Mercury News and a string of other California dailies), employees were informed at open enrollment insurance meetings just last week of the corporation's new plan to self-insure. It means premium increases amounting to double or more for most editorial employees, as well as a big cut in overall coverage and physician choice. Adding spouses and children will also substantially hike employee premiums.

Add this to the fact that most Trib reporters, photographers and copy editors--especially those at mid-career level or better--rarely get any more than a 2 percent annual raise (it they get one at all), and the story about health care costs gets deeply personal. The grumbling among editorial staff has grown loud enough to make it to City Weekly--several sources have said a letter of protest will soon be generated by the staff to Trib editor Nancy Conway. Essentially, that move will amount to petitioning the junior high principal for more varieties of soda pop in the vending machines, but whatever.

It isn't news that the state of America's health care costs is in crisis. But two cover stories in one week about how hard these costs are on employers, just before hitting the Trib staff with a big bite out of their own checks is a bit much. Honestly, must readers of the Trib be subjected to this steady stream of propaganda from MediaNews czar Dean Singleton, who has been gobbling up new acquisitions for at least the last four years like there's no tomorrow? Really, are times so tough for Dean? We're just wondering when he had to last postpone a trip to the doc with a bout of walking pneumonia because one more co-pay was too much to bear. (Holly Mullen)

Glamorous Broadcasting Job Awaits You

[Radio] I made my usual Monday morning talkin' TV appearance on X96's Radio From Hell today, and Kerry Jackson and Gina Barberi (Bill Allred was MIA) announced they're casting about for a two-week replacement for Gina in January, as she'll be out on baby duty. They suggested I apply, but I pointed out that the 5:30-10 a.m. slot clashes violently with my late-night lifestyle; the earliest I wake up all week is Monday for my RFH gig at 8, and I'm not always awake for that.

But you, the Average Joe/Jane, can make a demo and apply. The perks: Radio From Hell will be broadcasting live from the 2008 Sundance Film Festival during that time period, so you'd have full access; real behind-the-mic radio experience on a fairly popular morning show; and maybe even minimum-wage pay (maybe). Details should be forthcoming on the RFH web page, and we know of at least one guy who could use some radio work ... (Bill Frost)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Everybody loves bloopers.
  

• I'll never let the voucher issue go. Never!
  

• We're waterboarding for liberty!
  

• Fair warning: My yahoo friends and I will continue dispensing mayoral advice from out in the sticks even after Becker takes office.
  

• Also, whenever I see Orrin Hatch, for some reason I think of that movie Ice Castles ...
  

• Bobbie Coray is a saint, I tell you. A saint!
  

• ... And now for a sign of life in Lehi.

(Brandon Burt)

Yeah, Maybe Leave That to The Onion ...

[Media] Today, HuffingtonPost.com launched its comedy sister site, 236.com: "23/6: Some of the News, Most of the Time." It's headed up by a guy who spent six years as a writer for The Daily Show, so it oughta be hilarious stuff, right? Well, here's one bit ...

"Pack of cigarettes has added you as a friend on Facebook: The system will allow Facebook members to share their favorite products (Natural Ice, condoms, etc.) with their friends, and even allow companies to create Facebook profiles for the products themselves, that users can then 'befriend.' And who wouldn't love to share a few laughs with a bag of Doritos?" Wacky graphic here.

And that's one of the funnier entries. Maybe because I swear I've read it before, but it was about MySpace. Maybe 23/6 will get better. Maybe you should stick with The Onion or The Daily Show. Maybe I should get back to work ... (Bill Frost)

Michael Who?

[Radio Daze] KSL Radio's Nightside Project will go on the air tonight as usual, at 7. The only thing missing will be its host, Michael Castner.

After a much-heralded 17 months on the air in the 7-to-midnight time slot, Castner got canned yesterday morning (as first reported on this blog by City Weekly's Bill Frost). The official reason given to a bleary-eyed Castner at an 8 a.m. meeting: Budget cutting.

But Castner and others are wondering what it all really means, which is rather like trying to read the Kremlin wall. In an e-mailed statement, KSL program director Kevin LaRue called the move a "restructuring." He added, "the program’s talented and popular host, Michael Castner, will be leaving the Nightside staff to pursue other opportunities."

Though as of Friday afternoon, none of those "opportunities" had shown up yet for Castner, who has hired a media employment lawyer to work out a severance deal with the station. "We're in the middle of a ratings book, and we're number one in this time slot in the market. The math just doesn't add up as far as budget cuts go," Castner said in a telephone interview.

So tonight, Nightside goes on, but with a skeleton staff. "Politics Guru" Ethan Millard and reporter Alex Kirry will take over as co-hosts, a station source says. Chase Lauritsen will produce the show. No word on whether live chats with other regular "gurus" -- of TV and movies, personal finance and relationships -- will continue.

Increasingly, the show had been built almost exclusively around Castner, and, says one source, "there's a big hole left to fill." There's also loud rumbling about whether the layoff was more about Castner's acerbic, "in your face style." The subject of a City Weekly cover story on July 19 of this year, Castner once riffed on a show about wearing a t-shirt in high school that showed a baby with his hands down his pants, obviously playing with his "man junk."

Perhaps reality finally hit: Chatty moments about masturbation on the big 1160? Oh my heck, no! (Holly Mullen)

Grievin' it Osmond style

[Osmonds in the News] The intriguing teaser headline on the Trib Website said, "100 members of the Osmond family to appear"--which sounds like a pretty good feat of David Copperfield-style prestidigitation.

But, no, it linked to an AP story about how a critical mass of Osmonds agreed to be taped for Friday's episode of Oprah. According to Marie, recently deceased patriarch George Osmond would have wanted it that way.

In our family, we just have potato casserole and ham. May George rest in peace. (Brandon Burt)

Just Call 'Em "Liars"

[Rocky's World] The final days of Rocky Anderson are upon us...and more notably, upon him. What with mayor-elect Ralph Becker already measuring for drapes in his future office, Salt Lake's outgoing mayor is more desperate than ever for attention.

In today's Salt Lake Tribune, Anderson goes all junk-yard dog on the American Legion in a commentary. There seems to be some question of Anderson's honor at stake (isn't that just always the case?). Also, something about whether Anderson returned a plaque to the AL after a recent dust-up over his part in a re-dedication of the veterans section at the City Cemetery.

I was reading along just fine until Anderson labeled the American Legion and his other critics in the veterans community "prevaricators." Wow. That was some million-dollar lawyer word, all right. In my world as a newspaper editor, we always tell reporters to "write it so Ruby down at the diner can understand it!" So I checked "prevaricators" in my on-line dictionary.

Prevaricate: "To deviate from the truth; to deliberately misstate; lie."

Of course, he could have just called his critics "liars." But five-syllable words sound so very official. (Holly Mullen)

"Real Guitars Are for Old People"

[Music] Cartman's words rang so true on Wednesday night's episode of South Park (which was pure genius; look for the rerun if you missed it), City Weekly may dump all live music listings and just list clubs where you can play Guitar Hero in the future ...



(Bill Frost)

Liquor Laws Explained

[Booze News] In my conversation with Bobbie Coray for a news story in the Nov. 8 City Weekly, the controversial liquor commissioner insisted non-drinkers on the DABC aren't trying to make life hard for drinkers. They just don't know any better.

"We keep thinking it's the Mormons keeping us down, keeping the drinkers down. It's not," she said. "The Mormons don't care. They don't go to the Legislature saying, 'This is wrong,' because they don't know what you are talking about. It doesn't apply to them."

Coray—who acknowledged she is still trying to figure out Utah liquor rules herself after being appointed to the commission this summer—compared Mormon comprehension of Utah liquor laws to listening to her husband talk football.

“He knows all the scores and all the players. He can talk to me and my eyes just glaze over,” she said. “It isn’t that the Mormons are particularly trying to [toughen] liquor laws, it’s just that they don’t care. As long as they can get their Diet Coke they don’t care.”

That might explain why some liquor commissioners have been recently quoted saying they’ve asked around, but haven’t heard any legitimate complaints about Beehive State liquor laws.

Coray has asked fellow commissioners to consider holding public hearings for the public and restaurant owners to air gripes about “quirky” booze laws. (Ted McDonough)

Puttin' the "R" Back in Ratings

[Sex & Violence] A post today from one of our favorite local blogs, Voice of Utah, expressed concern that the film reviews from SLC's daily newspapers just weren't specific enough about the sex and violence content of movies: "If we're going to spend hard earned money on a movie, we would rather it not be one with graphic violence or sex ... How do I know whether my sensibilities will be offended by this movie? Well, OK, this one seems pretty obvious," referring to the papers' info about P2.

City Weekly didn't review P2; we just know it's going to suck.

Conversely, some of us would rather be sure our money is going toward quality sex and violence (30 Days of Night didn't quite live up to its graphic hype). VU pointed out a website that would be highly useful for both camps: KidsInMind.com. Dig these details about Fred Claus: "A woman wears a low-cut and short dress that reveals cleavage and bare legs to the thigh throughout the movie. A woman wears a low-cut dress that reveals cleavage. Two men wear sumo belts (their bare backs, chests and legs are visible)." There are nearly 20 other sex/violence bullet points on the PG flick.

I'm suddenly interested in Fred Claus--thanks, Kids In Mind! (Bill Frost)

How (Not) to Make Fun of Mormons

[Church News] So far, a Trib story about the change of a single word in the Book of Mormon -- expecting, no doubt, that millions of converts who previously had dismissed Mormonism out of hand will now change their minds -- has generated a whopping 334 Website comments. (The D-News message board has only 65, but the board is moderated and requires a login to post.)

Any discussion of the Mormons' sacred text is bound to generate more heat than light as church members starchily defend their faith against ex-Mormons, who love to taunt.

One thing we can all agree on, however, is that comments from clueless, out-of-state non-Mormons should stop now. People who have never lived here love to criticize Mormons every bit as much as the rest of us do -- the problem is they never get their Mormon-bashing quite right. They always make the same feeble jokes about "wives" and "underwear," and always in the same mystified, faux-bemused tone. It's just irritating.

So, for all you out-of-staters, please stop making fun of Mormons. They're our Mormons. We make fun of them because we live among them. They control many aspects of our daily lives. In some cases they're even our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and a whole slew of cousins. We know what it's like to be archly excluded from neighborhood block parties and we've learned how to plan ahead when it comes to Sunday cocktails. We've been there, man!

Until you've been there, too, it's unlikely you understand what's really funny about Mormons. You'll make the same tedious jokes in the same mystified, faux-bemused tone used by thousands of would-be jokers before you. You'll realize -- as, surely, no one ever has before -- that if you remove the second M from "Mormon," you get the word "moron." And then you'll wonder why none of us are laughing.

Please, just stop. It just isn't funny. (Brandon Burt)

Never Gonna Give You Up

[Music-ish] The other day I unwittingly stumbled upon this, which turned out to be much more than just a clever joke perpetuated by one source. With a little research I discovered the hoax is actually fairly well known (at least among those who are always down for random hilarity to ensue). Have any new pop cultural trends/phenomenon recently made their way into your vernacular/awareness? (Jamie Gadette)

They Ain't Down Yet

[Election 2007] The Parents for Choice in Education (choiceineducation.org) sent out a swan-song press release today:

"On Tuesday, Utah voters went to the polls and defeated the voucher program that promised a life line to children who struggle in their assigned schools. It is unfortunate that families who need another option have been stripped of their ability to choose a school that meets the needs of their children."

Hey, if you really feel so passionately about education, PCE folks, why didn't you take the millions you raised and invest them in making public schools better? (The $8 million raised by pro- and anti-voucher groups works out to about $15.50 per Utah student—good for a few packages of Oreo cookies, at least, and a few felt markers.)

The defeat of vouchers has to be an empty victory for schoolteachers, many of whom regularly dig into their own pockets to buy classroom supplies and materials. While they scratch and scramble to make do, they got to watch PCE pour money into insipid and innane TV ads that irritated more than persuaded and watch their own union fight back with millions of its own. How bittersweet it must have been to see parents for once get worked up about education, to donate time and pots of money, to rally and organize, only, in the end, to see no real infusion or enhancement to their individual classrooms.

Amazingly, the PCE folks say don't count them out:
"Going forward, we are ready to build on the tremendous progress that we have made in the last several years. The coalition of parents, educators, elected officials, business leaders, and nearly 200,000 voters who came together behind Referendum 1 is larger and stronger than ever. In just a few years we have gone from a fledgling group of Utah parents, to the largest and most successful education reform organization in the state, and one of the leaders in the country."

Successful leaders? Of what? Sorry, you just got trounced. (Jerre Wroble)

Smaze

[Euphemistically Speaking] For some inexplicable reason, SLC television meteorologists insist on calling the sooty gunk that hangs in our air "haze." They've done it for as long as I can remember. I used to just blow it off.

But then we had last winter's unforgettable, near-endless inversion. And for the past several days we've been sitting under a high pressure system that is slowly turning the air into soup. Already. Can't wait till January.

I'm thinking it would help us get past our denial about global warming, our carbon footprint and all if our weather men and women could just say the word: SMOG. I mean, "haze" is such a nice little word. Sounds fresh and mellow, and rather feminine. Have chamber of commerce or tourism execs gotten to the TV stations? Have they they urged them to speak in euphemism around bad air? Wouldn't want to scare off potential visitors and conventioneers to this big, pea-soupy basin.

I watched Channel 5 weatherman Len Randolph do an extended forecast today. He predicts the "haze" will clear out late Sunday afternoon, when rain arrives. Ironically, as Randolph chattered on about haze, he stopped a couple of times in mid-sentence. He had to wheeze and cough. (Holly Mullen)

Talking Turkey

[Holiday Spirit] Now that the election is behind us, it's time to look for ways to repair our societal rifts. Yes, we're glad Becker won and vouchers didn't, but Buhlerites may not have been totally crazy and--who knows?--there may be some areas of life in which voucher supporters are not altogether evil and deluded (although they are somewhat condescending and some of them seem strangely smug considering they lost).

So let's all move on and let the healing begin. Now, with healing--as with every other endeavor--booze and food are key: Thanksgiving is around the corner, and it's time once again to think about whether this, finally, could be the year to try the recipe for "black turkey" that Robert Benchley wrote up so many years ago.

This is the recipe that comes complete with instructions for which cocktails the cook ought to be drinking during various points in the process. You start out with a ramos fizz* and go from there. (As Benchley wrote, "Newcomers to black turkey will think you are demented and drunk on your butt, which, if you've followed instructions, you are.") Benchley's comments about what to tell the "poultryman" are somewhat out-of-date (who the hell gets to talk to the men and women who cut up turkeys for a living?)--and today's genetically enhanced, big-breasted turkeys are monstrous in comparison with the turkeys in his day. But it seems a nice, fresh (not frozen), medium-to-large organic bird would work well.

From what I've heard, the resulting blackened turkey is delicious. And it's one of the few recipes that are actually entertaining to read.

--Brandon Burt

* I know what you're thinking--a cocktail containing egg white does sound like it could double as an emetic--but the ramos fizz is a tasty little beverage. The egg white just makes it foamy, kind of like an orange julius. No, you wouldn't sip it on the patio on the 4th of July, but it's not the 4th of July, is it? It's Thanksgiving! Try it, try it!

Castner, Out!

[Radio] This just in: Michael Castner, host of KSL Newsradio's Nightside Project since its inception over a year ago, is no longer with the evening team--which now boasts about as many original members as Night Ranger at the Peppermill in Wendover. From MichaelCastner.com:

"I will no longer be hosting the Nightside Project as of today. More news coming. Thanks for your support. Feel free to drop me an e-mail! I could not be prouder of the team I worked with and the show that I helped create. We had a great time and these guys--Paul, Ethan, Paul, Chase and Alex (not ever in the same order! lol)--have become like brothers. And of course Matt and Chelsea were part of our family. Nothing will ever change that."

Conspicuously absent from the note is is his original Nightside wingman Jon Dunn, who left KSL earlier this year--where's the love? (Bill Frost)

Junk the Junk

[Drug Reform] This week's cover feature follows the leap many Utahns have been taking from prescription pain pills to heroin. For those of us who have seen how this deadly trap can consume and eradicate the lives of those close to us, this is an issue that strikes a sore nerve. I can attest to this personally and for anyone else who has had family struggle with this same nightmare, its important to stay current on what your community and government is doing about these problems.

It is worth pointing out some recent success Utah lawmakers are having with the Drug Offender Reform Act, a program still in its pilot stage that would link drug offenders with existing community rehabilitation resources in a way that would allow offenders to be put more efficiently through treatment, as opposed to being shuffled in and out of jail where there is a tragic dearth of treatment options. The legislation would hopefully also clear alot of space in our overcrowded corrections facilities.

This rather progressive bit of legislation actually was sponsored by Sen. Chris Buttars R-West Jordan. While Buttars has been at the receiving end of some of the Weekly's criticism for many of his positions, the pragmatism he has displayed on this front is admirable. "Al ot of people say we should get tough on crime," says Buttars "I think we need to get smart on crime first."

While it is early in the programs test phase if you are interested in seeing the progress of the Drug Offender Reform Act to see whether or not its something you believe is worth nagging your rep to support, check out the 2005 report to the legislature here or the DORA fact sheet here. (Eric S. Peterson)

The Pizza Hangover

[Nightlife Gone Wrong] I've got the most appalling hangover this morning. This I blame not on my own stupidity for imbibing ridiculous amounts of sudsy liquor last night with a good friend but rather on the bizarre establishment that is Monk's under the Walker Center on 2nd South between Main and State.

Bizarre because for a start although it says it opens at 6 p.m. if you turn up at an hour later you might be lucky enough that someone's opened the door. The real problem though is if you want to eat. Ask at 7 p.m. for food--and their menu stretches to pizza--and the young lady behind the bar in between drags on her butt says you can eat at 9 p.m., when the short order guy gets in.

So you place your order at 9 p.m., having lost several times at pool and consumed several pitchers of Heineken. The pizza however doesn't arrive until 10:30 p.m. By which time you're hammered enough to have given up all thoughts of complaining and just gratefully sink into the gooey pepperoni pizza as if it were your last meal before the dawn firing squad.

Moral of the tale: Eat first before you drink at Monk's, I guess, or don't drink at all. (Stephen Dark)

Bunny Love for Utah

[Media] There on Playboy's "A-List of America's Best Ski Resorts," next to an ad for Patron tequila, above an ad for a DVD of nude celebrities, is some major bunny love for Alta, Snowbird and Park City ski resorts.

Best is the introduction:

"These spots have the perfect snowstorm of black diamonds, microbrews and snow bunnies.

"What makes a great ski resort?" the intro continues. "For some skiers and riders, it's all about seemingly bottomless stashes of chest-high powder. Other guys prefer to go bottoms-up with chesty snow bunnies at a legendary après bar."

Despite the Hefneresque naughtytalk, a woman (Sarah Tuff) penned the article.

There's even an effort to dispell Utah's impossible-to-get-a-drink reputation.
"Jeering Utah's liquor laws is passé. You'll find drinks aplenty at Snowbird's Tram Club; a temporary membership costs just $4."

Sometimes, we succeed in spite of ourselves. And thanks to Ski Utah's Jessica Kunzer for passing along her knowledge of Playboy magazine features. (Jerre Wroble)

Heber's Gettin' a Wal-Mart!

[Elections 2007] We've been so caught up in mayors and vouchers, we forgot about this. Heber City voted to drop a big-ass cement box in its picturesque midst, but the defeated opponents should take heart: As soon as construction is complete on any Wal-Mart in 'Merica, country singer Chris Cagle shows up to sing his hit "Wal-Mart Parking Lot." It's true! As far as you know ...



(Bill Frost)

Hey, Remember Me?

[Alumni Encounter] So, shortly after taking a seat today at my favorite downtown SLC lunch counter, I turn around and recognize the face of someone I particularly did not like from high school.

That's class of '75, Olympus High School, Holladay Utah.

I remember this about her: She had a long waist and even longer legs. Her hair, thick and auburn, reached easily to the middle of her back. Even with a mouthful of braces, she had a brilliant smile. And she was definitely one of those popular girls.

I don't remember her as especially bright, or as an engaging conversationalist. But then it was high school, and why would those qualities count?

She was never very nice to me. We had a couple of classes together, and I don't recall her ever speaking my name.

So suddenly I am at lunch. I look at her. For a few long seconds I look at her. She looks at me. I smile. She smiles, weakly. But there is no hint of recognition in her eyes.

I guess I never forget a face. I could cut her some slack, but 32 years have passed and I don't want to. She looks as good as ever, still doesn't strike me as terribly nice.

Oh--that photo up on top? It's George W. Bush bagman Karl Rove, Olympus High Class of '69. He may be our most famous graduate. He's not very nice, either.

Anyone else out there have chance encounters with creeps from high school you'd be better off forgetting? (Holly Mullen)

Latter-Day Chefs

[Food] As someone who dabbles in the culinary arts, Mormon cooking, I confess leaves me somewhere between confused and downright horrified.

Take for example potato casserole, which is also known, I'm told as funeral potatoes--since it gets served at burials I'd imagine, rather than, given the ingredients, it sends you to the grave.

Potato casserole, along with the aforementioned root vegetable, features a pint of sour cream, the ubiquitous (for Mormon cooks anyway) can of chicken/cream of celery or mushroom soup, shredded cheese, onions, melted butter and, to give it a crusty topping, corn flakes. Outside of the health issues eating this kind of food might offer, can anyone explain quite why so much of Mormon cooking tends towards the stodgy and bland? It seems to take the worst of American and English cooking and come up with a hybrid that ensures you put on pounds while having little to report in the way of taste.

And don't get me started on frog-eye salad with its endless cups of whipped topping and marshmallows ... (Stephen Dark)

Voting: Funner Than Bingo

[Politics] Voting has not been a strong suit lately of my generation. Gen X,Y whatever you call them, I like generation "I" for ipod, iphone, i-dont-give-two-shits-about-the-world.

From the greatest generation to the progeny of the sixties, society has now arrived to us, the generation for whatever you call it, who really just stopped caring...about everything, least of all voting.

That's why I've been anxiously awaiting the election to see how the polls compared to a recent straw poll conducted at the University of Utah's Hinckley Center of Politics.

The results are interesting. For example, while today's polls showed Becker trouncing Buhler 64 to 36 percent the Hinckley straw poll shows U students narrowly giving the win to Becker at 45 to 42.

The results for the voucher issue were a little closer to the mark with election polls showing an approximate voucher defeat of 62 to 38 percent, and the Hinckley poll showing 67.99 against and 30.03 for.

The results are interesting, when compared, and speak alot to the generation difference. Yet what still concerns me is how much the actual difference matters at the polls. The Hinckley poll for example had over half of respondents describing themselves as 'very interested' in the election and over thirty percent saying they were 'somewhat interested.' These folks I am sure will go on to take active part in their community and be tomorrow's civic leaders--it's the ones that aren't interested that worry me. The uninterested, unseen majority of apathetics who's not caring might give tacit support to the whole world going to hell so long as ipods get smaller, sports vehicles get bigger and Fox News keeps dishing out trademarked "fair and balanced" news.

Anyways, whatever your slant, it's worth checking out the excellent work the Hinckley folks did on the poll, which has many interesting demographic breakdowns and results for the 2008 presidential election, here. (Eric Peterson)

Don't Call Us Dumbasses

[Vouchbags] The day-after analysis on the unceremonious death of vouchers keeps rolling in.*

My favorite: The crushing blow against tax-funded, private school vouchers (62 percent to 38 percent) came because voters simply couldn't cut through the conflicting, muddy advertising from both sides. So, not fully understanding the issue, people merely punted and kept the status quo.

KSL radio's Doug Wright opened his talk show with almost those very words this morning. Comment boards at KSL and the Deseret Morning News, too (surprised?). Wright, with that ponderous Sunday-go-to-to meetin' voice, described how very "offended" he was by the ads on both sides.

The "status quo" argument is plain absurd. Strip this ballot measure down to its underpants and you find a movement fueled by constituents (that's all of us in Utah) deeply pissed off by the arrogance of a handful of GOP legislators and well-heeled lobbyists (Overstock.com Patrick Byrne out in front) who pushed the voucher bill through early this year against all average-folk protests.

So in the days ahead, as everyone scrambles to dissect the reason(s) why vouchers were such a colossal failure, remember the taxpayers, stupid. The citizens. The people who back up the legislators' paychecks. Opinion polls showed huge opposition to vouchers from Day One. Bill sponsor Rep. Steve Urquhart (R-St. George) and others kept arguing if people really understood the voucher concept they'd support it. We just weren't smart enough, or patient enough to figure it out, the subtext went.

We understand. It's pretty simple for most--at least 62 percent of us. If you want to send your kids to private school, please do. But since this is a country (and state) that values every child's right to a taxpayer-funded, public education we'd like to put our money toward improving what we have, thanks.

The foundation of this mess rests on the actions of a few legislators who thought they would steamroll the people. They either misread their constituents or didn't give a rat's ass anyway. They gambled; they lost.

If pundits/bloggers/talk show hosts want to call that a vote for the status quo, fine. Just don't insult our intelligence while doing it. (Holly Mullen)

* Tip of the Salt Blog hat to keen observer Greg Bumpus of Draper, who shot the above photo while driving to work in Orem this a.m. Here's the link to licensing info.

Blame Canada

[Music] Anyone who knows me understands I'm obsessed with Canadian bands that don't involve Bryan Adams, Avril Lavigne or Sum 41. It all started with Broken Social Scene, a massive collective of insanely creative and talented musicians whose involvment in the group is simply not enough. Every single one of BSS's spin-offs, solo projects, side projects, what have you, are just as good (and at times more awesome) than the mothership. One shining offshoot, Apostle of Hustle, returning to town tonight just months after appearing at the Gallivan Center's summer Twilight Concert Series. Not many people paid attention to the Cuba meets Toronto project. They were too busy getting drunk and/or anxious to see whether Peter, Bjorn & John fake the killer whistling on "Young Folks." Your chance for redemption lies at the Urban Lounge, 241 E. 500 South. Get there a little after 10 p.m. Do Make Say Think is headlining.

Here's some Apostle of Hustle to whet your appetite:



and



(Jamie Gadette)

True Colors?

[Pride Mixer] Must admit I'm a little dizzy over this colors-for-a-good-cause bent everyone has latched onto.

I do recall--years ago--when pink was synonymous with the gay/bi/trans pride movement. But then, didn't it become a rainbow? As in, a color scheme to represent all-inclusiveness?

And then didn't the color pink get hijacked by the breast cancer awareness cause?

Yellow is for support the troops, right? Unless a child goes missing and then yellow ribbons tied around trees means "safe journey home."

Color my liberal sensibilities "confused." (Holly Mullen)

Ooh, Byrned!

[Elections 2007] While everyone else on the losing sides of the elections last night was playing nice and "we're still hopeful" on the locals news, clearly perturbed Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne--who sank millions into the pro-voucher campaign--spouted Beowolf lines at Fox 13 News at Nine's Sandy Riesgraf and called the vote "a statewide IQ test." Yes, he thinks you failed it, Utah--you've been served by a douchebag in a mock turtleneck. Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done. (Bill Frost)

Politics is Local

[Elections 2007] All politics is local. That may have been true when Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill said it way back when, but increasingly it seems elections are decided far away by forces beyond the control of the neighborhood bar. Corporations fund campaigns of congressmen and state lawmakers who seldom bother to talk to constituents. Out-of-state single issue groups bankroll ballot issues to steamroll pet issues into law.

But not in Salt Lake City. Yesterday's election results proved winning an election here is still about local alliances, word-of-mouth and rallying the neighbors. Once Salt Lake City's political classes had decided Ralph Becker was their next mayor—something that happened fairly early in the primaries—the race was over. Voters solidified around him over coffee or cocktails, and all the ads in the world weren’t going to change the outcome.

Becker could have come out as the bastard child of Mr. Rogers and a muppet and still have won.

Unlike his competitors, Becker had a constituency—Salt Lake’s Avenues, which Becker has long represented in the state Legislature. And it’s a politically active bunch.

Contender Jenny Wilson (the stepdaughter of City Weekly editor Holly Mullen) also had a constituency, but unfortunately for her it wasn’t in the city. The Salt Lake County councilwoman knocked out during the primary had backers from all over, but no concentrated base that felt she was their gal. Keith Christensen, starting from scratch with no constituency at all, never had a chance. His huge spending in the primaries, to no effect, was the best demonstration that that Salt Lake City remains a small town where advertising can’t win an election.

Dave Buhler tried to appeal beyond his natural constancy, presenting himself as the Mormon–but-tolerant everyman’s candidate (One Buhler campaign mailing invited residents to “come have a drink with Dave after work. He’ll have a root beer, you have whatever you want.”). But his 36 percent showing in the general election appears to approximate the percentage of the city’s population of active LDS churchgoers.

Vouchers went down for the same reason. There is simply no significant group of Utah voters invested in private schools. Despite the claims of the Sutherland Institute, Mormons have no tradition of private schooling. Groups that do, like Catholics, make up a small part of the electorate.

Which made the Beehive State a particularly bad spot for voucher pushers to stage their first national fight. The result was a huge win for the teacher’s union, and a union organizing effort that should serve teachers and their allies well in future elections. (Ted McDonough)

Def, Deaf & Blind

[Music] Two interesting articles to contemplate today as you vote for one white male mayoral candidate or the other, both pertaining to hip-hop.

The first, an essay authored by a noted professor who published books on Tupac and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., argues in favor of the oft-maligned musical genre (or at least encourages critics to actually listen to a wide body of work before rejecting it as misogynistic, backwards nonsense). The other, an article exploring hip-hop's supposed influence on teenager's sex lives, suggests that the genre's significance stops when the listener comes of age. As if it's something we outgrow.

And while the NY Times does site Bakari Kitwana in its closing thoughts, I'm more inclined to side with the thoughtful scholar who recognizes hip-hop as art without boiling it down to youthful indiscretion. What do you think? (Jamie Gadette)

Who 4 Queen?

[Call to Repentance] Some press releases find their way to me as if by a miracle. This one, for instance, from JESUS 4 KING OF SALT LAKE CITY.

"The Jesus 4 King project is conducting workshops in Utah in November and December to help people become spiritual leaders of their families and communities," writes Idaho Kingmaker and founder Chris Stevens. "These things are not being done in a corner. Community and religious leaders are being contacted and asked to repent and obey God. Community leaders are warned of the public consequences for failing to be godly stewards, while religious leaders are called to account for consuming people’s focus, efforts, and resources with the traditions of men."

No word on whether this warning applies to standard-issue bloggers. (Holly Mullen)

Voting Under the Influence

[Booze News] Recently State Sen. Scott McCoy D-Salt Lake has mentioned pushing to loosen liquor laws that prohibit getting a drink at a bar or restaurant on election day. Mccoy said these arcane laws were "bizarre and inconsistent."

And sure, I agree, but at the same time I can appreciate the logic that once went behind discouraging drinking and voting. Voting is afterall a very important duty, one not to be taken lightheartedly. Heaven forbid anyone throw back too many boilermakers and then head on over to the polling place- the results could be disastrous, think of all the write-in candidates suddenly sweeping into office (Phil Mcrevases, Hugh Jasals, etc...)

And yet as with other activities we as a society see fit to temper our inebriation when performing (driving, operating heavy equipment), voting and drinking shouldn't be completely banned so much as it should just have limits.

So I propose that McCoy consider as a backup bill to his upcoming legislative liquor package (which already has the values vote kiss of death on it) one that would set blood alcohol limits for voting. This way when voters lineup to their polling place and they notice the fella ahead of them with bloodshot eyes staggering to and fro, they can notify a friendly poll worker who would then submit the individual to a breathalyzer test before handing them their ballot.

And then how about this, just to encourage voting, why not after somebody has voted, instead of offering an "I Voted" sticker, how about a shot? They've already performed their civic duty why not reawrd them with something better than a sticker. It could still have the effect of notifying others that they voted when, for example, Joe Voter returns from his lunch break with the smell of cheap bourbon on his breath, everyone at the office will know that he is indeed a responsible citizen. (Eric S. Peterson)

"Blank Stare Stupidity"

[Politics] Happy Election Day, Utah! Let's just forget about whom you voted back into the White House three years ago and move forward, shall we? Allow MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, via his eloquent "Special Comment" last night, to provide a helpful nudge:



Now let's get out there and maybe remove a toe or two from the party line. (Bill Frost)

The Fast & the Spurious

[Media] If it's Sweeps month, it must be ... street racing! Joining the classic "investigative report" threats of "What You Don't Know About Your Microwave Could Kill You" and "Are Your Children Safe? Maybe We'll Tell You After the Break," the new annual favorite of local TV news stations seems to be street racing--tonight on KUTV 2:

"2News Special Report: Behind the Wheel With Utah's Street Racers: In a rare interview a Utah street racer says the cops don't worry him. Despite $600 tickets and towed cars the races continue. Victims of street racing crashes also have their say."

This one night after an "explosive real estate fraud" expose turned out to be simply the fault of some dumbass who didn't bother to read what he was signing. And what's the Investigative Report du jour at ABC 4? "Getting Back Into the Dating Game," which continues next Monday "right after The Bachelor." Of course ... (Bill Frost)

Saturday of the Dead

[Party] Rico's, the Mexican food company with ever-growing plans of expansion, held their annual Day of the Dead party on Saturday night in their downtown HQ.

This time they invited former customers to snack on some new product lines, as well as tried and tested favorites.

At least 600 folk came to wet their whiskers and chow down at the free trough.The gringos came and went and at the end of the night when the dancing started, you could count the Anglos on one hand as they watched the Latinos get down and dirty to a local DJ.

Hit of the night though was the triple skulls carved out of ice which a bartender poured purple margaritas down. That had people queuing almost as long as the marathon line for the food. (Stephen Dark)

It's Good to Be the King

[Dance] The ornate costumes, tight choreography and impeccable technique showcased at the first performance of The Three Musketeers—incidentally the opening night of Ballet West's 2007-08 season (Nov. 2)—proved that the company's international reputation as a world-class dance company still holds.

There were a few opening night glitches (damn you, fake stage door that won’t open!), but the palpable energy of the corps and the dynamic performances of the lead dancers—notably Christiana Bennett, masterfully portraying the evil Countess De Winter)—compensated from any technical problems.

The indisputable highlight of The Three Musketeers was demi-soloist Jeff Herbig’s Captain Jack Sparrow-esque portrayal of His Majesty King Louis XIII of France. Herbig’s pompous, self-interested Louis dominated the stage, even though his role was primary a character part with very little actual dancing. Every detail—from his childish lip curl to the way he gazed at his jeweled fingers instead of the people surrounding him—was spot on the entire time. Like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean, Herbig employed a cocky strut to communicate his character’s vanity and laughable obliviousness to everyone and everything around him. King Louis’s oversized wig, tiny pet dog—a live, squirming dog who exited the stage in a hurry—and white, red-heeled boots were another glaring indication of his garishness.

Character roles are the true test of a ballet dancer. It is possible to have flawless technique, and still forge absolutely no connection with the audience. Herbig consistently garnered the most laughter and applause because he kept the audience engaged every second he was on stage.

Physical comedy is much more challenging than drama, especially in a ballet production. So, if you’re looking to be wowed by a live performance, check out Jeff Herbig’s portrayal of King Louis in The Three Musketeers. His ingenuous interpretation of a pompous French ruler will remind you why live performances trump YouTube. (Jenny Poplar)

Get Off of My Lawn (Sign)

[More Political Hijinx] In the last days before an election, politics often get petty. Tearing down the other guy's lawn sign is typical, but usually ends up with campaigns pointing fingers at each other and the culprit at large.

One Salt Lake man decided he wasn’t going to take it and made sure a yard sign stealer got snagged.

After having many signs supporting District 6 City Council candidate Roger McConkie disappear during the night, the 2100 South man put down a trap, according to Salt Lake City weekend police reports.

The man trained a video camera on his signs, tied string to the signs and ran the strings inside his house, where he attaching a bell. There, the McConkie supporter slept on the couch, fully dressed, to be ready to catch the thief in action.

At approximately 12:30 a.m. Sunday (Nov. 4) the bells started jingling. Caught red handed the sign-napper sped away in his car, but not before the resident copied down his license plate. Police wrote the video quality was "excellent."

Tracked down at his home by police, the sign stealer admitted taking the yard signs, but denied he any a political motive. He was cited for theft. (Ted McDonough)

U R 2 Cool 2 B 4 Gotten

[Celebrity Perps] It's always fun when other people get busted for doing things that you probably pulled (hopefully) in high school. It's especially satisfying when the perp is a celebrity, which is why we've all seen Lindsey Lohan's dazed-and-confused mugshot taken shortly after her infamous DUI. But for those of us who could now give two shits about the one-time Mean Girl, The Smoking Gun has an impressive collection of arresting images including a chicken-poxed James Frey, pre-bail Amy Fisher, and ... Yanni? My favorites are the petty criminals who just couldn't wipe that smug/stoned/drunk/stupid smile off their faces long enough to at least feign remorse (see above). (Jamie Gadette)

Entrapment, er, Employment Notice

[Booze News] It's a wonder that anyone bothers to open an establishment that sells alcohol in Utah anymore, ain't it? As posted by the fine folks at NewCityMovement.com:

(Bill Frost)

Whatever Happened To Just L-I-V-I-N?

[National Panic] First Chinese toys, now British holidays?! Today's risk-averse officials are getting out of control!! It's good to be cautious, no doubt, but like overbearing yuppie parents keeping animals, food and "dangerous" playgrounds out of their kids' reach it seems everyone (including government officials) is erring on the side of paranoia. This does not bode well for the world. Seriously. Didn't anyone see Safe?



(Jamie Gadette)

Ain't Worth Two Bits

[Currency] The Utah quarter is coming! The Utah quarter is coming! Aren't you soiling yourself in anticipation?

The Utah Department of Who Gives a Shit -- excuse me, that would be Community and Culture -- sent out a press release today soliciting press registration for the "Utah Commemorative Quarter Launch" to be held 9 a.m. - 2 p.m. Friday at the Rio Grande Depot. That's right, you too can join Governor Huntsman, the director of the U.S. Mint and other dignitaries for five freaking hours to celebrate the fact that the homeless people on Main Street will now be soliciting change with a local connection. Oh, and we can also schedule interviews to find out how all of these very important people feel about this very important development.

Naturally, the local television newscasts will trip over themselves to report on this non-event, the way they dutifully report on everything where there is a ribbon to be cut or a photo to be opportunized. (Scott Renshaw)

Clinton's Cerebellum

[Clinton Speech] What a difference a brain makes.

That was the feeling I walked away with Sunday afternoon after hearing Bill Clinton on the stump for Hillary at the University of Utah Union Ballroom. Read the standard quote-paraphrase-quote-paraphrase daily newspaper coverage of the event here and here.

Unlike the current occupant of the White House, Clinton can form a full sentence without tripping over his tongue. But it gets better. The man can then form another sentence. And then another. Before you know it, you are actually hearing an entire stream of cogent, rational thought. One idea tracks to the next. And the next. Clinton even has the talent for outlining a speech, tossing out his main themes (by number, even! One, two and three!) and by then returning to each point, one at a time.

It's called oratory skill. The best presidents (think Lincoln, both of the Roosevelts, Kennedy and Clinton) have it. We've been tortured for seven straight years in listening to a president who sweats just trying to follow a noun with a verb.

Listening to Clinton was a day of auditory liberation. It was like V-J Day for the ears.

Beyond that, he left the crowd with this sobering thought: Whomever wins the race for president, in any era, "the only thing that matters is: Are things better when you left than when you started?' "

We still have 14 months to suffer under Bush and I think we have the answer, right? (Holly Mullen)

Did I Stutter?

[Yet More Voucher-ism] The latest orange flyer from VoteFor1.org to "Current Resident" features a couple of media quotes from Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr., this being the most troubling:

"I think vouchers should have been implemented on the day they they were designated to have been implemented."

They really do need better education in Utah, don't they they? (Bill Frost)