Friday Letters Round-Up (Special Morbo Edition)

• Hey, I just thought of a joke: If global warming is such a problem, why is it snowing outside? Take that, Al Gore lovers!

• You puny Earthlings are too weak to affect the climate! Also, Morbo just thought of a joke involving global warming, snow and Al Gore.

• Bigotry is OK as long as you send a few bucks to some Ethiopian kid.

• Morbo finds your* dislike of George W. Bush to be ... disturbing. (*Along with that of 98 percent of the other puny Earthlings.)

• Morbo finds these young Earthlings' unbridled optimism to be ... disturbing.

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up (Thursday Edition)

• How can there be global warming when it's raining outside? How can something that feels so right be so wrong? If God is good and omniscient, how can there be suffering in the world? Why do people ask how you are if they don't really want to know?

• I know a way to encourage young people to vote: Make them all delegates!

• Oh, you wussy elitists with your "breathing"--here in the real world, we've got bills to pay!

• Maybe this time, if we ask nicely, the Legislature won't divert our Commie public-transportation tax toward good, old-fashioned, red-blooded American road construction.

• Everybody knows it's all Bill Clinton's fault.

• The judiciary should butt out of this "determining whether or not laws are constitutional" business and stick to what it's good at: selecting Republican presidents.

• You call shenanigans? Poppycock, I say!

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Also, before 2006, pop stars wore underwear, I had more hair, ice cream was free, and my laundry was 40 percent cleaner. Damn Democrats!
  

• Lost boys, missionaries—tomato, tomahto.
  

• Mesoamerican postmodernism, crappy Disneyesque fascist futurism--tomato, tomahto.
  

• If six solid years of irresponsible Republican hegemony wasn't a test of liberalism, then I don't know what is!
  

• I see your irrational exuberance has made you homeless. Too bad you're not Bear Stearns.

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• When you attack my lawn decorations, you're attacking America!

• The Osmonds are like a beautiful cherry on the cake that is the GOP's bizarre derailment.

• My name is Jerry Borrowman and I endorse Orrin Hatch.

• Bing Crosby is a godless liberal plot. And "White Christmas" was written by a Jew! And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is blasphemy. Blasphemy, I say!

• If you can't trust a sixth-generation Mormon to tell you the truth about the LDS Church, who can you trust?

• Maybe they should do it with their eyes closed. You know, honey, the way we always do.

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Wouldn't it be safer for the children if we put a nice church or a GOP headquarters there instead?

• What the world needs now is ... 25 delay feeds of Nick at Nite.

• ... Also, I have a plan to bring back law and order by subjecting jaywalkers to a good, sound waterboarding.
  

• I can't imagine why anybody would be interested in the fact that a candidate belongs to a church which opposes the ERA, gay rights and reproductive choice.

• We celebrate Christmas the old-fashioned way: We slit a goat's throat in honor of Lugh.

• Cougar fans, of course, are always perfect angels.

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Writers' Guild? Ha! More like Pornographers' Guild!

• My dental hygienist doesn't believe in global warming, and she's kind of a scientist.

• I, too, am outraged on behalf of Marie Osmond.

• You're just jealous because I'm more biblical than you.

• Everybody wrote this letter.

• We're shopping for world peace.

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Even though the private-school-voucher bill was voted down, and I'm not sending my kids to private school, would I still get money for home-schooling them, if I were home-schooling them, which I'm not?

• We're shooting animals to save them.

• We're spinning donuts on Indian burial grounds to save them.

• When Mrs. Crabtree asks me to pound the erasers, I know what she really means.

• Privatization makes everything better. Just look at Blackwater.

• The next person who wishes me "Happy Holidays" gets it right in the mistletoe.

• (And by "lunatic," of course, I mean me.)

• I'm starting to think that, when conservatives use the word "liberal," they're saying it like it's a bad thing.

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Everybody loves bloopers.
  

• I'll never let the voucher issue go. Never!
  

• We're waterboarding for liberty!
  

• Fair warning: My yahoo friends and I will continue dispensing mayoral advice from out in the sticks even after Becker takes office.
  

• Also, whenever I see Orrin Hatch, for some reason I think of that movie Ice Castles ...
  

• Bobbie Coray is a saint, I tell you. A saint!
  

• ... And now for a sign of life in Lehi.

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Also, earthquakes and tornados aren't as much fun as the media wants you to believe.
• Jesus hates U.S. currency.
• It’s Becker's fault we Republicans have our heads up our own asses—he should have pulled harder.
• If we're all descended from a single amoeba, why is it so hard to accept that American Indians are descended from Jews?
• I can't imagine why nobody listens to George W. Bush anymore.
• On the other hand, Voldemort is pro-voucher.
• Hey! Who are you callin' a cookie? You're the cookie, you fruitcake!
• BVH? You're soaking in it! Relax, it's mild!
• What? You mean this is the kind of reaction that makes the Nobel committee giggle uncontrollably? D'oh!

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Choo vill bake schnickerdoodles, und choo vill like it!
  


• I don't drive on state roads because that would be immoral. Who am I to demand my neighbor pay for a road I'm driving on? I'm building my own freeway, and then I'm going to guard it with a shotgun. It's the moral thing to do.

• As a leading cause of sleeplessness, caffeine should be banned.

• Politicians don’t always tell the truth. Also, they seem to have a lot of money.

• Stop the lies about the Knights Templar!

• Think of all the money we’d save by giving 9th graders high-school diplomas!

(Brandon Burt)