TruTV vs. True TV

[Inside Baseball] What happens when the Turner Broadcasting-owned TruTV makes contact with City Weekly's own, less lawyered-up True TV for the first time since sorta-stealing the name? Find out here. It's not really all that earth-shattering; just a slow Friday afternoon. (Bill Frost)

The Imaginary Mitt-McCain Ticket

[Politics] If you checked out the dailies today you will have noticed how they both ran the same Boston Globe story about excited murmurings of Romney filling the VP spot for John McCain in the coming election. Sources in the story spoke of how Mitt's greatest contribution would be as "the rainmaker" or the guy who turns on the money faucet for McCain and the republican party.

Considering that Romney is already sitting on $46 million that he loaned his campaign, and that he once pulled off the feat of raising $6.5 million in one day, supporters are touting the Mitt-McCain duo as a very profitable dream ticket for '08.

And in a way it is a dream ticket...as in keep dreaming all you Mormon millionaires who paid $70,000 to use Mitt's Deer Valley toilet and get your picture taken high-fiving dubya. The truth is that Romney does rake in the cash, and that's why he was at the fundraiser and not McCain, what's also true is that the short con the GOP is playing on Utah's aristocrats is in teasing them to think that if they drop fat cash on the campaign that somehow their investment will buy Mitt a spot on the ticket.

Of course Romney is well aware that by taking one for the team and making that good Mormon money rain on McCain now, he will be all the more poised for his next run at the White House. In the meantime, Romney will have to play ball and continue to tease the cash out of his Utah backers, who will continue to drop sizable donations in a sad attempt at buying the ear of the man who would be veep (but not really).

And why not? Because the republicans need to clinch the south, especially with Obama standing to galvanize massive black voter turnout in the southern states McCain needs a southerner, not somebody southern evangelicals hate i.e. Mitt.

Oh and in case you Utah millionaires are wondering what the long con is just wait four years until Mitt makes another run at the house again and this whole process starts over again. (Eric S. Peterson)

Dear California ...

[Marriage Equity] Apparently, Utah has asked California not to gay-marry people.

Just a friendly request, because, you know Utah would just hate to inadvertently make gay couples feel bad by "forgetting" to send a blender.

Just so California knows: This entity calling itself "Utah" does not speak for all Utahns.

(Brandon Burt)

30 Years? That's Probably Long Enough, Doug

[Radio] We received a press release this week from KSL NewsRadio--apparently, morning talker/smarmy gameshow host/Sean Hannity warm-up act Doug Wright has been trying to form an opinion on something for 30 years now! Damn, it only seems like 50.

"His colleagues from around the country agree Doug is the voice of reason, an outlet for information and the place to come to 'talk,'" goes the release, which also cautions, "Although, Sunday, June 1, 2008 will mark 30 years in broadcast for Doug, KSL NewsRadio will host a 'Public Open House Anniversary' live broadcast during The Doug Wright Show at The Gateway fountain on Monday, June 2 from 9 a.m. to Noon. Governor Jon Huntsman Jr. will be on-site at 9 a.m. to declare this day as Doug Wright Day."

You can bathe your kids and watch Doug in "action"? A special day, indeed! (Bill Frost)

Eyeballs in a Baggie

[Homeland Obscurity] Remember, those eyeballs in a baggie that Tom Cruise schlepped around in Minority Report?

Well, now, if you have a pair of pre-screened eyeballs, plus an annual fee of $100 (and a $28 TSA "vetting" fee), you, too, can move quickly through airport security, thanks to Clear® Fast Pass Lane.

“We’re delighted that the Salt Lake City Airport has become one of the first airports in the West to offer this revolutionary service for travelers,” said Lane Beattie, president and CEO of the Salt Lake chamber, in a press release sounding like freaky science fiction come to life.

Sad, sad, sad it has come to this—citizens willing to provide fingerprints and/or iris patterns (along with personal background information) to agents of the government in order to zip through the airport ... all in the name of convenience. Before long, screenings will probably become mandatory; no one will raise an "eye" brow simply because they'll be so used to it by then.

And of course, "Clear" (what a name!) will be there to cash in on it.

All I can say is: Keep an extra set of eyeballs in the freezer for those occasional "lost" weekends. (Jerre Wroble)

Apocalypse Bush: Another View

[Scenes from a Protest] Shouts of "liberty" echoed off the engraved concrete of the Salt Lake City and County Building as yesterday's Peace and Human Rights Rally dispersed from Washington Square Park. Revolutionary folk anthems boomed from giant speakers on the building's steps--Bob Dylan's "Blowin in the Wind" to Conor Oberst's "When the President Talks to God." Banners reading "THINK: It's Patriotic," "War is Not the Answer," and "Bring the Troops Home Now" slowly migrated toward cars parked up and down State Street.

The rally, organized by former Salt Lake Mayor Rocky Anderson's High Road for Human Rights organization, brought some of Salt Lake's most disparate elements together with one collective war cry: "FUCK GEORGE BUSH."

Punk rockers, soccer moms, hipster students, tie-dye-clad dads and one adorable little kid who kept running in front of speakers in a Bush/Bullshit shirt gathered to give old GW a warm middle-finger welcome. Sadly, the president couldn't make it down as he was busy devouring a $30,000 plate of corporate schmooze and stealing Jamie Gadette's Avenues neighborhood parking spot.

From Guantanamo Bay to the Patriot Act, speakers (and chant leaders) took aim at the current administration's assault on the U.S. Constitution. And with all those hours of individual brooding slowly catharsisizing their way into the warm Salt Lake evening, the motley crowd proved that a couple of angry people, getting together with a couple more angry people, really can inspire hope for change.

"It's like Joe Hill, the great labor organizer, said before he was executed," counseled Anderson, still shaking hands and taking pictures with supporters 30 minutes after the event, "don't mourn, organize."

(Dan Fletcher)

Apocalypse Bush: The Protests

[Politics] Around noon on Wednesday, May 28, a handful of protesters gathered at 8th Avenue and B Street, across the street from a Republican fundraiser for John McCain, reportedly to be attended by President Bush, although we never did see him. The handful were vocal against the display of affluence as business-dressed attendees drove up in Mercedes and Lexus and upscale SUVs to the kids working valet parking, who ran their butts off to keep up with the demand. At times protesters and passengers comically exchanged peace signs, and at times more heated epithets thrown back and forth.

At this point I was still allowed to film from across the street as long I didn’t shoot directly into their “magnetometers” in the gated entrance to the host mansion, since they apparently didn’t want me to capture on film that their computer chip-laden ID badges actually read “666.” Bomb squad trucks drove by to add to the paranoia, although Secret Service agents hadn’t arrived yet. A FedEx truck stopped, and I joked that they were bringing W the “nuclear football.”

Before the main guests were to arrive, around 2 pm, we were hustled off the sidewalk by police, who explained that it was “public property.” Relegated to the grass of residents who offered their privately owned lawns for freedom of expression, we realized we would have to cross the sidewalk to gain access to our cars to leave, and fearing subsequent arrest we left while we could, also worrying our nearby vehicles might be impounded to make room for members of the more well-heeled donor fleet. I’d never been to a protest before, and hoped maybe I’d get shot by rubber bullets or hosed with a water cannon. Oh well. But I got an OK interview with local resident protesting.

At 5:30 pm the rally organized by former Salt Lake mayor Rocky Anderson congregated on the west steps of the City & County building on Washington Square, welcomed by music from local pianist Rich Wyman, with an Iraq Veterans Against the War banner in front of his keyboard. First a woman who had lost a son serving in the war spoke of the war’s futility, then a soldier who had served decried the war and especially the use of torture, which was a fitting overture to the main acts’ agenda. Vocal and emotional support from the crowd made up in intensity what it lacked in numbers, with something shy of 1,000 people on hand.

It was a monumental occasion to hear someone like Daniel Ellsberg speak, someone who actually helped change the course of history by releasing the Pentagon Papers in 1971, which stuck one of the nails in the coffin of Richard Nixon’s presidency. Ellsberg drew parallels between Nixon’s “imperial presidency” and the Bush administration’s abuses of the constitution, citing Nixon’s defense: “If the President does it, it isn’t illegal.” He also railed at length against the use of torture in interrogating prisoners. He proclaimed “many of us would give our lives to have the Constitution back.”

He noted the hypocrisy of people like Scott McClellan, whom if he had realized the illegitimacy of the war when serving in the Bush administration, “how many lives could have been saved, but then he wouldn’t be on a book tour now.” He even more pointedly called out the Democratic congress for not taking on Bush more effectively.

Rocky took much the same tack, asking “what has happened to our democracy, rule of law, and moral principles,” even appealing to “the highest moral values of religion,” a point that made me consider the pious faith of many of the attendees of the earlier event. He ended to vociferous applause, encouraging protestors “to never be silenced. Let us exercise our moral agency in every way we can to build a safer, more peaceful, and compassionate world together.”

It was the Rocky we knew and loved in office: passionate, combative and liberal to a fault. I find myself wary of the touchy-feely rhetoric of left-wing politicos, but the idealism was refreshing. The Democratic party has really lost that in its move to the center. Both sides of the political coin exposed themselves that day, and the compassion of the protestors seemed a lot more attractive than the cold, acquisitive self-interest of the silver spoon crowd. Especially when lives are being lost in a futile war, and on the other side of the ideological fence careers and profits are being made.







(Brian Staker)

Small World, Big Screen

Tonight, come down to the Tower Theatre for a screening of the documentary Planet Earth. Proceeds from door sales--and purchase of on-hand baked goods--will support local do-gooder Edith Welker who is trying to raise enough money to travel to Madagascar where she'll participate in conservation efforts through Azafady. Welker needs about $3000 to complete the fund-raising process that includes donations to the nonprofit organization. Basically, Welker--who launched Save Sugar House before the destruction--is getting off of her tush and doing something to change the world. So if you have a free moment tonight, maybe plop your tush down at the Tower. Wish Welker good luck.

(Jamie Gadette)

Apocalypse Bush!

[Aerial Politics] Ever since last weekend, gigantic military helicopters have been flying over my neighborhood (and yours too, I've learned). I saw them hovering over downtown yesterday, too. It was all a bit mysterious and even foreboding--very Apocalypse Now.

I thought they were from Hill Air Force Base, doing maneuvers or some other military transport.

And then I learned the choppers were merely facsimiles of Military One, the official helicopter of the U.S. President. The helicopters have been scoping out the route George W. Bush will be taking during his big fund-raising visit in Salt Lake City and Deer Valley today for his kinda-sorta buddy (mostly behind closed doors), John McCain.

Wonderful. It isn't enough my tax dollars have propped up a hopeless war the worst president in U.S. history started for no good reason. Now I have to help pay for presidential security while Bush stumps for McCain at Mitt Romney's mountain mansion to the tune of $30,000 a plate from well-heeled Repub donors. The rest of us will eat cake. Our tax dollars at work.

(Holly Mullen)

DABC To Ponder Private Club Membership

[Liquor Laws] If members of the Utah Hospitality Association thought Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr.’s endorsement of their plan to see an end to private club memberships in Utah meant DABC commissioners would rubber stamp it, they were sadly disillusioned.

This morning, the five-member DABC took up the issue at its monthly board meeting. The liquor control czars heard how well the state’s liquor stores were doing – sales and profits are up more than 11 percent. Then commissioner Bobbie Coray motioned for “a thorough analysis” of the requirement that bars charge private club membership. She said she had long sought to eliminate laws “that had no compelling reason.”

Commissioner Kathryn Balmforth, however, rose in stout defense of the private club restriction on bars, anchoring her position in the rights of what she termed the "non-drinking majority of Utah." She argued there appeared to be an attempt to “create an impression of a public groundswell” in favor of doing away with forcing bars to label themselves clubs and charge a $5 cover fee. “Maybe there is,” she said, “I just missed it.”

While some might sneer at Utah’s liquor laws for being different, she continued, those who wanted a drink could get one. “There’s nothing small-minded about the majority not being forced to pay for the costs of the societal abuse of alcohol.” Part of the DABC’s mandate, Balmforth reminded the audience of mostly bar owners, was to be aware of those who didn’t want liquor.

After complaining that only one side of the issue was being explored, Balmforth cited one reason why private club status was of value: record keeping. If a drunk left a bar and hit someone with his or her car, there would be a record of where and what that offender drank.

While Coray pointed out that private club membership was an issue she had long been concerned with, Balmforth appeared to find some back-door politicking going on. “We were all appointed by the governor but this is a legislative question,” she said. “I don’t think we have to carry his water on this particular debate.”

The commission voted, with the exception of Balmforth, to address the issue, including holding several public hearings. One commissioner noted, “This is the beginning of a long process.”
A number of unhappy UHA members walked out after the vote, one muttering about moralizing.

But UHA spokeswoman Lisa March McGarry said significant progress had been made. She said the UHA had been told that, for the first time, the Legislature and the DABC were willing to receive information from bar owners, the UHA, and other interested parties.

McGarry's concern, however, was that if and when private clubs were eliminated, additional elements might be added to the bill. One she described as a worrying “long shot” would require converting the entire penalty code currently used by the DABC to a criminal one, which “would be outrageous.” The main thing, she added, was the majority of commissioners had listened to tavern owners’ concerns.

Afterward, Coray said she didn’t think there was opposition from her own board to eliminate private club status. Rather, she said, “The concern is that we do it right.” (Stephen Dark)

The Breeders: Recap

I didn't expect a huge turnout at The Depot tonight for The Breeders first SLC appearance in several years, and the crowd that did show was probably big enough to pack the Urban Lounge. Perhaps next time they'll scoot the seminal rockers into a smaller, more intimate club. The Deal twins certainly acted in a manner appropriate for a cozy house party, trading witty--and just plain sisterly--banter with each other and with the audience members who walked right up to the front of the stage and stared mouths agape at their down-to-earth heroes. The turnout was mixed, but mostly a throwback to the 90s. I even saw a dude with a flannel tied round his waist--and it made me smile with nostalgia, not cynical, mean-spirited derision. Yes, we music dorks came out in full force for a taste of Pod, Last Splash, Title TK and the new Mountain Battles. Kim proudly announced to covers from fellow Dayton neighbors Guided By Voices and the Tasty's. When Kelley took over the mic, Kim and a temporary guitarist (whose name I can't recall but she rocked with her bright red dreadlocks out) jumped off the stage and into the audience to "silently judge" the typically back-up vocalist. It was all fun and games and serious reverb. The wall of Marshall stacks lining the wall helped us to sufficiently "feel the noise." Sure, The Breeders are a little bit older and a little bit wiser, but they obviously reap every bit of joy out of playing pure rock and roll as they have from the day Kim started her "Pixies side-project." As much as I hate to sound like the guy in the back of the room who kept shouting incessantly, "I love you Kim!!!" (we got it the first time, dude), I have a serious crush on both of them.
Oh, and kudos to local openers Future of the Ghost, now featuring Sean Jones on bass and recurring touring member Scotty Fetzer joining Will Sartain and Cathy Foy who is absolutely fierce on the drums. You go girl! Did I just say that? Oh man.

(Jamie Gadette)

Dead Zephyr: Week 237

(Bill Frost)

Meet Your Unfriendly Private Club Bouncer--The Church

[Religion+Politics] Momentum is picking up behind the move to abolish our fair state's archaic private club membership law, now that Huntsman has upped the ante and promised to move forward on it in the next session along with Liquor Board commissioners Coray and Granato agreeing that its time has come.

But one thing that continues to bother me is the obligatory reference in all these articles to the LDS church, which of course always respectfully declines weighing in on the issue. But that doesn't mean people aren't listening, and waiting to see what the word from on high might be. Like from this article in the D-news last Friday, for example, where Huntsman graciously says in reference to the church and the private club issue:

"I think every body's entitled to weigh in if they have a stake in this discussion," Huntsman said.

Huntsman is no fool of course and knows that engaging the issue without talking to the church would be a grave political faux paux. But for the rest of us, lets just step outside of our Utah bubble for a second and honestly ask ourselves: What stake does the church have in this?

I am being absolutely serious here. Lets meditate on this some more, why would a church have a stake in a discussion revolving around something that it's members don't partake of (ostensibly)?

Is it the fear that maddening debauchery will ensue if people don't have to pay for memberships? That anarchy will reign in Utah because bar hoppers will be able to walk into a bar without paying a membership and then finding it dead or not to their liking, have the ability to walk into another bar without paying entry?

Of course there are easy answers to this question, the frustrating part is just that the answer never quite fits the question when it comes to Utah's awkward marriage of politics and religion.

For example:

Q:Why would a conservative state that is vehemently opposed to government meddling in private business allow restrictive private memberships in the first place?

A: Because this is Utah and this is the LDS church.

Q: Why would a church even that espouses free agency and encourages temperament amongst its members care about the drinking habits of non-members?

A: Because this is Utah and this is the LDS church.

Q: But couldn't the church see that drinking in bars where there is a fully trained staff on hand to make sure that patrons who drink too much get water, food and a cab if they need it, much better than driving people to go and buy cheap liquor and throw house parties where there is nobody really stopping them from binging and driving home later? Why hasn't this been factored into the debate?

A. Because this is Utah and this is the LDS church...etc....etc...(Eric S. Peterson)

Twilight Concert Series: YES!

Are you sitting down? The Salt Lake City Arts Council just released a list of confirmed performers (certain dates are still pending) for the 2008 Twilight Concert Series!!! I knew the organizers would cook up something stellar for this year's lineup, but no way did I predict they'd score BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE!!! The Canadian super-collective spawned Feist, Kevin Drew, Jason Collett, Amy Milan and Stars, Emily Haines and Metric... they are awesome and absolutely killer live. I saw them at Sundance in 2006, the same year they scored the soundtrack to Half Nelson. Back then, the lame industry crowd paid them little attention. I'm sure SLC locals can show them the love they deserve. Here's the rest of the top notch lineup as it stands:

July 10
The Roots
TBD

July 17
Andrew Bird
Josh Ritter

July 24
De La Soul
TBD

July 31
Keller Williams
Yonder Mountain String Band

August 7
Nada Surf
Tim Fite

August 14
TBD

August 21
Broken Social Scene
TBD

August 28
Neko Case
Crooked Fingers

Stay tuned for more info as it develops

And here's some Broken Social Scene:



(Jamie Gadette)

Roller Derby Report: Ninjas Beat Nuns

[Sports] How packed was the second official bout of Salt City Derby Girls' 2008 roller derby season Saturday night, May 24? The Bayou's brew van ran out of beer by halftime. Yeah, scary.

The crowd--possibly 800, eyeballing it--didn't seem to mind, cheering the Sisters of No Mercy (bad nuns in black) and the Death Dealers (bad ninjas in purple) on through two hours of skating action that relied more on defensive strategy and blocking than offensive scoring. The Dealers widened the gap in the second half, finally disciplining the Sisters with a 68-39 win.

Game MVPs: Death Dealer Lady Octane (skating with a severely injured wrist) and misleadingly named Sister of No Mercy Toots Sweet (skating with a severely exposed ass--see pics below).

A sampling of Saturday night's action shots by Wild Bill Hill:

(Bill Frost)

Money...Morality...It's All the Same

[Utah Politics] It's come to this in Utah politics--where the GOP rules so unchecked and audaciously, that even the Republican race for state treasurer for god's sake, has been reduced to smarmy measurements of "traditional family values."

Cathy McKitrick reports in today's Salt Lake Tribune about the upcoming primary runoff between Repubs Mark Walker and Richard Ellis. Both, it appears, have decent enough cred at accounting, money management and the wearing of dark blue suits and white shirts--all skills you would expect a state treasurer candidate to have mastered.

But Walker has apparently decided to turn the race into a yardstick for measuring right-wing morality.

Ellis, currently chief deputy state treasurer, says of his opponent, Walker:

"Walker's applause lines at the [state GOP] convention came after references to gay marriage, unborn children and tax cuts. You had a crowd there where that really resonates," Ellis continued. "But that has nothing to do with the role of state treasurer."

Except in Utah, of course, where no doubt even a Republican race for dog catcher could be reduced to a pro-life/pro-choice argument around neutering. (Holly Mullen)

Having a rough day?

[Music] Perhaps this will lighten the load. (It made me feel happy!)



(Brandon Burt)

Me, too, kid. Me, too.

[Meme] It's the turtle kid:


It's Bill O'Reilly interviewing the turtle kid:


It's the turtle kid—remixed!


A "where is Jonathan now?" investigative piece from the future:


Aww, this is just too cute to pass up:

(Brandon Burt)

Buzz Kill

[Crimewatch] Yeah, those yellowjackets distributing Media One's Trib-lite "commuter daily" the Buzz are still annoying, albeit a little less so since management forced them to use their indoor voices and stop dumping their papers on car windshields.

But my heart goes out to the girl posted on our cruel section of Main Street near the Gallivan TRAX station. The yellowjackets are issued handtrucks for carting their bundles around and, yesterday, some downtown ne'er-do-well swiped hers. (The thief was thoughtful enough to leave the stack of papers behind, though, which meant no knocking off early for her.)

Today, when I saw an unfamiliar yellowjacket in the area, I feared the worst--could some heartless suit at Media One have sacked her? It's not like it was her fault.

Well, those fears were not borne out; she's back on main street hawking her issues--sans handtruck. I wonder when they'll get around to issuing her a new one?

Most interestingly, what in the world could somebody have wanted with one to begin with? Did somebody have stacks of papers laying around that they wanted to move? If you're the culprit, let us know (even anonymously). I'm curious.
(Brandon Burt)

DMT: The Most Complicated Hallucinogen

[Drugs & Rec] Here's a no-nonsense video from a woman who has found a way of taking dimethyltriptamine (DMT) without first having to go on a pesky weeklong vegan/MAO-inhibitor diet.

It's a simple enough technique, with only a couple drawbacks.

Some people worry that the media glamorizes the drug culture, making drugs seem like a hip, fun thing to do. Well, I don't see them worrying now.


(Brandon Burt) [Via SLOG]

He's Still In Office, Folks

With all the high drama surrounding the battle of the Dems, it's easy to forget that Idiot Bush still occupies the White House. He's been plenty busy, too, zipping around the world, refusing to back troop withdrawal, getting dissed by Congress on attempts to veto the GI bill ... basically being a weasal. Oh, and he's coming to Utah to nosh with Mitt Romney at the Massachusset's Gov.'s private Park City abode. It's the perfect opportunity to tell him what for:

On Wednesday, May 28, former SLC Mayor Rocky Anderson's new project High Road for Human Rights will hold a Peace & Human Rights Rally, "a gathering of active citizens saying 'No More' to disastrous war, deceit, domestic spying ... and crimes against humanity." Guest speakers will include Danny Ellsberg, legendary voice of conscience who disclosed the lies that led to the Vietnam War, and Kathy Snyder, mother of a serviceman who was killed in Iraq.

Troy Williams will emcee and Rich Wyman will play some tunes. Rally starts at 5:30 p.m. at the City & County Building, 451 S. State.

Bush ain't out of here yet--let's show him the door.

(Jamie Gadette)

Your Local Media Is a Joke

[News-ish] After weeks and weeks of relentless, ass-pounding David Archuleta/American Idol coverage ("Archie's first zit! Tonight at 10!"), you'd think the local media would be ready to hitch onto the next Utahn-does-reality-TV wagon, right?

Today, not a Single. Damn. Word. about Salt Lake City comedian Marcus (just Marcus, he dropped the "Man of 1,000 Voices" suffix) making the first cut and moving onto the next round of NBC's Last Comic Standing last night. Nothing. Guess working on the road for years and actually writing your own material is no dues-paid match for being a cute Mormon high-schooler with a squeaky voice.

Not that last night's LCS footage reflected Marcus' comedy material; NBC went with his impressive menagerie of voices. Not everyone can do a conversation between the entire Family Guy cast in a single breath, but those of us who've seen Marcus' entire act know there's more to him than that. Let's hope he survives on the series long enough show it.

Here's NBC's 2-minute recap of last night; that's Marcus toward the end in Phoenix, with the tats and Captain America T-shirt:



(Bill Frost)

Calico On The Road

Local experimental sound manufacturers Calico are currently on a mini Northwest tour and gearing up to release the anticipated follow-up to their self-titled debut scheduled for release June 6 at Slowtrain. You can track their progress here. And if you happen to be on their tour route, check 'em out! The boys will play KRCL's Live at Five on June 4 and try their hand at Urban Outfitter's new, somewhat erratic local concert series July 12.

(Jamie Gadette)

Babies, Please Stop Pooping

[Price Gouging] Many economists are saying the higher gas prices go, the more likely we are to actually conserve resources or to get serious about alternative energy sources.

Can the same be said of disposable diapers?

Kimberly-Clark, producer of Huggies, has announced a big price increase in diapers and Kleenex tissue, come July.

Could it make a dent in Utah's super-sized families? Oh, how we wish... (Holly Mullen)

Quartered & Dollared to Death

[Cost of Living] When I notice a business starting to price gouge, I tend to think, “That’s it, I’m done patronizing that place.” And I stay away.

But it’s getting harder to do that.

For example, a while back, Utah Transit Authority raised its monthly pass to $50, the same amount we City Weekly plebes paid to park our cars each month. So I said, “Up yours, UTA. I’m now driving my car to work.” With gas, and wear and tear, I paid more to do so, but it gave me pleasure not to drop my coins into UTA coffers.

But then the parking lot—let me be clear: the Diamond Parking lot—behind the old Zephyr Club raised its rates to $90 (!) in January 2008. So I said, “Up yours, you thieves at Diamond Parking. I am migrating with the rest of City Weekly to the more reasonably priced Ampco lot east of Squatters.

In the meantime, prices at the pumps began their breathtaking ascent. And I wanted to show my outrage at Big Oil, but to do so, I had to come crawling back to UTA. Only now, a monthly pass costs $58.50. And if UTA gets its proposed “surcharge,” it will go to $66.50 in July.

So where does that leave those of us who vote with our pocketbooks? It leaves us to save up for a decent pair of walking shoes and to get real interested in alternatives to the internal-combustion engine.

Oh, I hear you, bike people! Yes, I could pedal and have done so. But bikes aren’t an everyday mode of transport in light of the riotous Wasatch Front weather we live at the mercy of. Plus, we all have appointments across town, trips to the grocery store and children to schlep around. It’s nice when it works out to ride but you can’t depend on it.

Thus, we’re waking up to thrilling and freaky times. Since everything we consume is highly oil-dependent, everything we consume will soon cost a lot more than it does today. And since it’s not practical or meaningful to boycott all businesses, it might just be time to take that wild leap and figure out how we’re going to live in a post-$5/gallon world. Any suggestions? (Jerre Wroble)

Giddyup

Hey all ya'll cowboys and cowgirls, Langhorne Slim is riding into town tonight to strut his stuff at the Urban Lounge! I saw this young guitarist perform in the blazin' Austin sun at South By Southwest and was impressed by the natural born storyteller's dynamic stage presence. Slim will also be playing on KRCL today at 5 p.m., so if you're not quite convinced of his appeal, be sure to tune in. Yee Haw and all that

Friday Letters Round-Up (Thursday Edition)

• How can there be global warming when it's raining outside? How can something that feels so right be so wrong? If God is good and omniscient, how can there be suffering in the world? Why do people ask how you are if they don't really want to know?

• I know a way to encourage young people to vote: Make them all delegates!

• Oh, you wussy elitists with your "breathing"--here in the real world, we've got bills to pay!

• Maybe this time, if we ask nicely, the Legislature won't divert our Commie public-transportation tax toward good, old-fashioned, red-blooded American road construction.

• Everybody knows it's all Bill Clinton's fault.

• The judiciary should butt out of this "determining whether or not laws are constitutional" business and stick to what it's good at: selecting Republican presidents.

• You call shenanigans? Poppycock, I say!

(Brandon Burt)

Soundtrack To Our Teeny Bopper Lives

I was researching an album released in 2001 when I came across a list of hits from the same year. This made me curious: what provided the soundtrack to my senior year of high school. As a graduate of the class of '99, of course Prince reigned omnipresent over every house party and school dance, along with Nena's "99 Luft Balloons," a ditty about the nuclear holocaust which we sang at graduation. I'm not joking. That's just a sample of the numerically themed songs that colored my life. What about the hits that were actually released that year? Click here to see the sad state of affairs of 1999's pop charts. Was your senior year any better or worse?

(Jamie Gadette)

Southwest Suburbs Stripped of City Weekly

[Suburban Scrub] City Weekly circulation manager Larry Carter is on a fact-finding mission today, trying to determine who would have stripped more than 20 of our distribution stands of this week's issue in long stretches of West Valley City, Kearns and Taylorsville.

Could it have been, oh I dunno, maybe someone incensed over Stephen Dark's cover story, Taylorsville 911!? Just because Dark delved into a case that started with the theft of a Boston terrier, then drew Taylorsville police ire because one of the players in the drama is a fellow cop (on the Midvale force) and is now headed to U.S. District Court alleging civil rights violations--well, is that any reason to go (again, allegedly) stealing more than 1,000 copies of City Weekly?

Maybe it's the cover photo illustration that bugs the alleged thief or thieves the most. Just sayin.'

Circulation manager Carter says the entire inventory of newspapers disappeared overnight from boxes from 1300 West to 4000 West along the busy artery of 3500 South. Boxes in key locations in Kearns and along 5400 South in the heart of the Taylorsville business district have been emptied, as well.

Drivers filled the boxes in question late yesterday afternoon. As proud as we are of our newspaper, the idea that every copy would get picked up overnight is a bit of a stretch.

A person is legally allowed one free copy of City Weekly. A sticker stating such is affixed to all of our racks for public view.

Carter plans to spend the afternoon visiting grocery stores along the routes in question, saying "it would take someone with a lot of nerve to walk into Harmon's or Albertson's, scoop up a whole stack of papers and walk away."

And of course, there's always the possibility that some business along the route(s) caught the action on video. Don't people realize that nothing escapes a video camera anymore? Not even alleged newspaper theft. (Holly Mullen)

Jesus Trucking Christ

[Roadside Attraction] Spotted today at 8:28 a.m. on westbound Interstate 80 and the Bangerter Highway exit: A semi-trailer truck with the company name "Husky Transport" on the cab doors. Emblazoned in bright red, 2-foot-high letters on the sides and back of the trailer was this message:

JESUS CHRIST IS LORD
NOT A SWEAR WORD!

(I doubt Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan got the memo.)

**Above: Another crazed truck owner for Jesus. (Holly Mullen)

Free Concert Free All Ages Free

Did I mention it's free? And local! Salt Lake City's own Glinting Gems will be performing tonight at the Main Library. I'll be onstage with the adorable trio prodding them with insightful questions, a la VH1 Storytellers (without the drama). All you Gems fans, take note: Leena is back in the band, replacing Terry who replaced Leena when she left to tend to the twins (watch for future Von Trapp Family-style performances). The action starts at 7 p.m. in the Auditorium. Woot!


(Jamie Gadette)

Sabre Rattling

[Liquor Laws] At last night's Utah Hospitality Association's emergency meeting, both the successes and the problems of the group dedicated to making drinking a more pleasant and more profitable experience for bar owners and public alike were evident.

Legal spitfire Lisa McGarry, who has represented Clearfield-based bar, Bogeys, in its struggles with Utah's liquor czars, the DABC, told the less than packed meeting room at the downtown Salt Lake City Peery Hotel about the UHA's much-publicized plans for an initiative petition to end clubs having to demand membership when you fancy hoisting a brew. Ideas of how to solicit votes were swapped, ranging from vote boxes in the booze aisles of supermarkets to putting leaflets in publications such as City Weekly.

Bar owners also heard how the UHA had almost expired for lack of interest from the bar industry. One UHA official said of the 300 bars in Utah, only 25 are fee-paying members of the UHA. A bar owner suggested his competitors were suspicious of his motives when he rang up to encourage them to attend last night's meeting.

"What we've done up to now hasn't been working," another official opined. But recent media interest in the UHA's cause, support for the private club member bill even from Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr., suggests at least that if not a turning tide there just might be the beginning of a groundswell for change. (Stephen Dark)

Beluga? Beluga!

[Animals] Hump Day got you down? Well, nothing will perk you up like a tricky Beluga!

Meet Nana-chan, a whale residing at Nagoya Public Aquarium in Japan, entertaining herself by blowing air-bubble rings underwater.

That's right: "air-bubble rings." I know, I didn't think it was possible, either. Now I'm intrigued. (By the way, if you see a weird guy at Steiner blowing bubbles. that'll be me practicing.)

Just check it out:



(Brandon Burt)

Wooden Indian Burial Ground

[Music] Last night's show by Wooden Indian Burial Ground made for one of the most haunting, disturbing and overall pleasant shows I been to in a while. The duo rocked Burt's Tiki Lounge last night, employing banjos, marimbas and tambourines, in a show that in another time and place could have been mistaken for some backwoods medicine show/revival. The lead vocals, Justin sat with a banjo propped on his knee and a tambourine lashed to his foot that he would stomp furiously, wailing a hoarse howl as cohort Judy slowly rocked back and forth pounding her bass drum.

The duo seemed so enmeshed in their own music it was like they were hypnotized. It was one of those great performance where its not that the band doesn't know there's an audience in front of them, but you almost get the impression that if no one would have showed up they would still have played the same tense and simultaneously slow and pulsing set to a dark and empty bar. It wasn't until halfway through someone in the crowd barked out: "Who are you guys?!" To which Justin, shook from his reverie announced: "Oh we're Wooden Indian Burial Ground, oh and we got some stuff over there for sale if you want," then lowered his eyes to the ground and began playing again.

All and all a fantastic show, I must admit as it was the first I'd heard of them, a lot of lyrics just washed over me, but when they closed with a cover of Rolling Stones "Dead Flowers" I was quite happy to see them render it with more rock and roll than the stones did and with an as equal of a helping of soul and angst as the Townes Van Zandt version. (Eric S. Peterson)

Becker Names New Captain of Economic Development

[Politics] Today at Tony Caputo's Deli, Mayor Ralph Becker called together a press conference that only hinted at a soon to be announced major economic development. From a podium set in front of a wall of olive oil Becker announced that Bob Farrington, Executive Director of the Downtown Alliance for the past 16 years, would be the city's Director of Economic Development.

Among other credits, Farrington has also been heading up the downtown rising project and has successfully overseen the growth of the downtown farmer's market, and been likewise heavily involved in the city's efforts to create a year round public market.

When questioned on what Farrington's new duties would be Becker said to "take advantage of our [city's] assets and capital so Salt Lake City can grow to its economic potential."

More specifically Farrington said that Salt Lake City was unique as capital of the state, region, and major research interests, and because of that, his job would be largely multidimensional. Farrington spoke of moving forward on trax extensions, the new public market and fixing problem spots like maximizing hotel infrastructure for travelling conventions and increasing green space downtown.

He described his duties as being more of a "conductor that will orchestrate the great organizations and talents," the city already has, says Farrington. Emphasizing collaboration with all possible stakeholders.

"Once I get a phone and an office, my door will always be open," joked Farrington. (Eric S. Peterson)

What's Next: RoPa? WeJo? WTF?

I'm as proud of this town as any died-in-the-wool Salt Laker, but I'm sorry: for better or worse we are not the kind of place that can affix various burgs with funky nicknames like NoHo or SoHo. That's just me, of course. Folks over at Elite Model Management must know something I don't. We recently received invites to the agency's grand opening in South Salt Lake, or as Elite dubs it, SoSaLa.

Good news for all the pretty people, I suppose. Padding your resume with tenure in SoSaLa is sure to get you places, right? SoSaLa is, after all, home to the world's first KFC. Ya hear that Tyra?!


(Jamie Gadette)

Oh David, Oh David

[Archuletta Idolatry] In honor of the week that is all David Archuletta, all the time, here is a thoughtful piece on the topic by the New Yorker's pop music critic. Um, if you're under 25, don't bother. (Holly Mullen)

Dead Zephyr: Week 236

(Bill Frost)

Skirting the Subject

[Fashion, Sorta] This being the hottest day of the year, City Weekly music and listings editor Jamie Gadette took advantage of it and wore an adorable pastel plaid sundress to work.

This made me think in general about summer fashion choices. Which made me think of the only fashion worth contemplating for the triple-digit days to come.

Skirts.

We'll be seeing plenty of shorts in the next few months, but really, skirts are such a smarter choice. All that air rushing through and around your legs and such. Hey, do I have to draw you a picture? Wise women know it: Skirts simply make sense.

I'll be wearing plenty of them this summer. We all should. (Holly Mullen)

America, the Mutated

[Random Pix] Any idea what the hell this is supposed to be? We'd love to know ...

(Bill Frost)

Male Slut

[Opera] Last weekend saw Utah Opera's season draw to a close with Don Giovanni. Despite a lackluster performance from Christopher Schaldenbrand as the male-whore of the title, there was much pleasure to be found in the show. Along with a muted grey-green color scheme and sets that gave both space and a certain claustrophobic limitation to the rampant sexual ego of the at best ambiguous hero, the drive of the piece was much helped by Mark Schnaible's witty man servant Leporello and Susana Phillips as Donna Anna, determined to bring Giovanni, who raped her at the beginning of the opera, to some kind of justice. That Schaldenbrand was oddly hollow in a role that demanded cool charisma and wolf-like charm threatened at times to undo the piece. But the overall quality of the production held sway.
Inevitably with a story about freedom, morality and sexual desire, it was tempting during the intermission to ponder how Don Giovanni was being digested by the local audience, as ever decked out in their curious idea of what one should wear to the opera circa 1956. Whatever the reasons for the muted final applause, the true glory of Utah Opera is that it continues to mount intelligent, gorgeous productions that help make life in Salt Lake City just a little more bearable. (Stephen Dark)

Eponymity

[Entertainment] The Organ Loft silent film series is always worth the price of admission (if you haven't been, the audience is treated to a pre-talkie Hollywood movie screened directly above the organist accompanist at the console of the loft's see-it-to-believe-it Wurlitzer--great fun).

The last movie of the season is scheduled for May 29-30, and it sounds like a doozy. Tramp! Tramp! Tramp! features funnyman Harry Langdon and scarywoman Joan Crawford in her dewiest youth.

I had never heard of it before, but Tramp! Tramp! Tramp! is now my favorite title for a Joan Crawford movie, followed by this one. No wonder poor Joan went nuts with the wire hangers; producers were always making fun of her through her films' titles.

For your viewing pleasure, überbrat Veda says things to Joan Crawford we all wish we could, including that other word that ends in -mp: "You think just because you've made a little money, you can get a new hairdo and some expensive clothes and turn yourself into a lady. But you can't, because you'll never be anything but a common frump!"

Sure Veda, but Crawford's name lives even today. I don't remember Blue Öyster Cult rockin' a tune about how Ann Blyth Has Risen From the Grave, do you? (Bandon Burt)

Tired Of David Archuleta?

Root for another homegrown hero! Utah comedian Marcus, "Man of 1,000 Voices," will appear on NBC's Last Comic Standing this Thursday, May 22! We love Marcus, and not just because he emceed our SLAMMys celebration a couple years back. Talented and brilliantly tattooed, the comic book/Star Wars-loving funnyman is a welcome break from the norm. Here's a preview of the show (half of Marcus flashes onscreen toward the end):



(Jamie Gadette)

Almost South Africa

[Xenophobia] When I read the racist posts on sltrib.com and desnews.com and ksl.com story comment boards about anything or anyone Latino (illegal or not--it doesn't seem to matter), I think we are not too far from this mentality. If you want more of the best of the world at its ugliest, just Google "South Africa riots." Last I checked, there were 884+ related stories. (Holly Mullen)

M.I.A. = A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

I spent the weekend in San Francisco, rounding out the trip with my first taste of Bay to Breakers. The annual race/parade/"celebration of the human spirit" is 7.46 miles of pure insanity. A sight to behold, B2B attracts both serious athletes and serious exhibitionists who don costumes and begin drinking heavily, sometimes as early as 6 a.m. Picture your craziest Halloween, cross it with Pride and you're one step closer to understanding B2B.

I suggest everyone who attended M.I.A. last night plan a trip to B2B 2009 because ya'll proved you can go nuts too (or as Bill Frost complained, channel your inner raver). As one of the "idiots" who hopped onstage when the Sri Lankan electro-dance-rapper invited all the ladies up for an impromptu dance party, I feel qualified to declare the evening a success on par with last year's Peaches show. From the moment she stepped onstage (after an opening set by the Egyptian Lover) until the obvious "Paper Planes" encore, M.I.A. threw herself into a set of pulsating hits off Arular and Kala--and the crowd responded in suit. Gonna make you sweat til you bleed, indeed.

Soooooo awesome to see SLC music fans show enough love to actually give touring acts a reason to return.

Anyone have any footage from the show?

Oh, and P.S., not everyone onstage was wasted. I was stone cold sober. Sorry all you party poopers who wanted to just sit and watch M.I.A. Maybe next time she'll play Kingsbury Hall and we can all be well behaved.

(Jamie Gadette)

Sad. Wheels Off

[Wheeling/Dealing] Two weeks ago, City Weekly staff writer Eric Peterson wrote a story about the Salt Lake City Council considering a "bike share" program for residents. It would be modeled on successful programs in Paris, Barcelona and other European cities. Washington D.C. recently started up its own program, which allows people to pay a small fee to borrow a bike for short hops around town, then return it for another user.

Above: A bike sharing station in Seville, Spain. Note the debit-card unit next to each bike, where people slide a card to pay for the use of two wheels.

Eric blogged last week about Westminster College already doing something similar, on a smaller scale.

Yesterday, The Salt Lake Tribune hopped on with its own story about bicycle sharing networks and examined if one could take off in SLC. Reporter Derek Jensen pretty much focused on the notion that it wouldn't work. Based on past experience, naysayers said all the bikes would either fall apart for lack of maintenance or get stolen.

Sad. I don't mean to go all Commie on you here, but that story illustrates the vast difference between American and European sensibilities on public transportation and private ownership. Thanks to our ingrained sensibility of private ownership of everything in the U.S. we'll likely see a good idea worth testing fall flat. I'm convinced that one of the reasons bike sharing works so well in Europe is due to the general idea that societies work best when people accept a certain level of collective concern and ownership. It means we can all take a little chip out of air pollution and high gas prices by borrowing a bike, then returning it for others to share.

Europeans, whose cultures have evolved around shortages and difficulties (think Britain and France in World War II), as well as necessity for sophisticated mass transit (gasoline is around $8 a gallon in Switzerland right now) understand this.

We really don't have to horde or own everything ourselves in this country, do we? People with big vision could make this work, and it seems like a decent experiment in communal mentality, albeit on a very small scale. Wouldn't you love to see the bike sharing idea take hold here, just to prove it could succeed? (Holly Mullen)

Got Any Change?

[Politics] Much has been said about how the Republicans' new slogan, "The Change You Deserve," hilariously turned out to be identical to that of a pharmaceutical drug.

OK, the Republicans didn't know that. Who can be bothered to check such details when the very sanctity of marriage is at stake, and terrorists are closing in at every moment?

If you think about it, this whole attitude that slogans must belong solely to one company or organization can only lead to a state of affairs where every conceivable English phrase will eventually be copyrighted. And then there will be no more slogans, buster--except for silly, made-up words like "transfrabulistic!" And who could live in a world like that?

But is it just me, or is there a vague implied threat contained in those words? "The change you deserve." It doesn't stipulate that it will be a change for the better--only that the change will depend on how Republicans judge our behavior over the next six months. A vote for the GOP is a vote for no change at all--so what else could this be than an ultimatum, a demand that the electorate prove its loyalty once and for all to the neocon Final Solution?

The future is uncertain, and the GOP has demonstrated that it has loads of talent for turning even the brightest of situations into a scary, hopeless and depressing nightmare. They might as well be saying, "Vote for us, or we'll tear down your homes, build McMansions and send you all to Guantanamo Bay. And don't think we won't do it." (Brandon Burt)

... And Now, for the Good News

[The Gays, Again] Yes, I know the regressives are salivating at yet another opportunity to grind their bootheels into the faces of gays and lesbians.

And The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is so eager to shift the subject away from those awful, fake-Mormon plygs in Texas, it wasted no time in casting its jaundiced eye on the "unfortunate" state of judicial affairs in California (right after releasing its fun David Archuleta tie-in feature about all those famous Mormons).

And some readers are all too eager to rain on my little personal Pride parade since, apparently, no faggot deserves to be that happy about a court decision in another state.

How depressing.

Still, after skimming the Cal Supremes' in re Marriage Cases decision [PDF], I've found that hope springs eternal. In fact, the most momentous and groundbreaking part of this decision doesn't have anything to do with whether gay and lesbian Californians are allowed to be "married" or must instead make do with "domestic partnerships."

It has to do with the court's breathtaking proclamation that the state has an interest in prohibiting anti-gay discrimination not simply on the basis of sex-discrimination laws, but because gays and lesbians are themselves worthy of full inclusion in society.

The naysayers who have kept themselves so busy organizing their anti-marriage referendum--likely to appear on California's November ballot--can only hope to block marriage equity temporarily since homophobes are dying off and, in less than a generation, they'll constitute a dwindling minority.

But, even if the anti-marriage referendum were to succeed--far from a done deal in this year of such strong anti-Republican sentiment, "the decision banning discrimination based on sexual orientation would remain in place."

This means that, even though the Gay Cabal should have fought for antidiscrimination before seeking equal marriage rights, we have irrevocably won the real prize, and may even still take the jackpot. Now that's cause for celebration.

(Brandon Burt)

OK, my last several posts have been about this one subject. And, OK, I've been kind of an asshole to some of the people who comment. Many people have heartfelt reasons for opposing gay marriage, and I'm glad that they, like me, are free to speak their minds.

And I am also glad that they are free to not marry anybody they choose. Unfortunately, in 48 states, gay and lesbian Americans do not have that same freedom. I really do think the California decision is a momentous event in the history of the American gay equal-rights movement.

Also on the plus side, I got a lot of reader reaction and more participation in Salt Blog, which is always my goal. Turns out assholism works!

Why a Democrat Must Win

[Campaign 2008] The best headline yet to prove John McCain would be four more years of Bush. (Holly Mullen)

Happy "Gentile" in Brigham City

[Homer Report] Just pulled up an e-mail from a p.r. firm hawking the Web site divinecaroline.com

It's a chick site, but different than ivillage.com, says the e-mail. The site for women "combines real voices, content from partners and professional editorial."

Whatever. But there is a Utah angle. A writer by the online name of "Meg Mo" has contributed an essay on why she and her husband moved from Chicago to Brigham City in 2005. It's part of a regular feature called "Why I Live Here."

No surprise here, I guess, that much of Meg's essay focuses on religion:

Brigham City is the only place I’ve ever lived where religion is actually an issue. In other places, the topic might come up eventually in conversation, but here it’s always one of the first things to pop up. Within a week of moving in to our home, Mormon missionaries came to our door with pamphlets about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (or “LDS” as it’s called here).

If you don’t practice some sort of religion, you are definitely in the minority. And my husband and I fall into that category—at least for now.

"At least for now?" I'd call that a big, wide opening for another visit from the elders, Meg!

(Holly Mullen)

Pump Up The Volume

[Music Review/Preview] Man oh man, did Dead Meadow kill last night or what?! I must have looked like a burned-out lunatic closing my eyes and rocking back and forth against the window where I could best feel the vibrations. It helps that the Los Angeles-based stoner/psych-rock trio brought no less than 10 Orange Amplifiers to kick out their heavier-than-hell jams. The ragtag virtuosos played an ear-splitting mix of new material off their latest release Old Growth (Matador) and older jams, including one of the first tracks they ever wrote. They dedicated the latter song to Iota's Oz, their SLC brother in arms who cozied up against the giant Orange stack, banging his head in appreciation. The crowd--which included a lot of super young hippie chicks gyrating in not-always rhythmic motion--rushed the stage before the show and remained there with giant grins and blissed-out expressions til the bitter end. Bitter only because Dead Meadow had to keep on rollin.

All that after two killer sets by Pink Lightnin (who offered to play more all-ages shows if the kids want them) and the Furs, who are tighter than ever. If you're reading this and feel like a road trip, the Furs are hitting the road today and heading to Vegas. Maybe you can tag along.

For those who'd rather stay in the city, this weekend is crazy packed with awesome shows. White Denim and Tapes 'N Tapes play one side of In the Venue while Atmosphere drops new material on the other side. Brilliant booking guys!

Also tonight, Destroyer plays The Urban Lounge and Cavedoll joins Simple Shelter for a multi-media extravaganza at Trapp Door.

Tomorrow, check out Matt Hopper and The Roman Candles, also at Urban with Drew Grow and Dead Horse Point.

And last but not least, motherfucking M.I.A. at The Depot, Sunday!! This show has not sold out ... yet. Get in while the getting is good.


(Jamie Gadette)

Sock Puppets Speak Out!

[The Gays] Apparently, some people are a bit miffed about the California Supreme Court's momentous decision overturning the state's ban on gay marriage. Comments on other message boards have run the gamut from the predictable to the weird:

• Oh, those judicial activists! There they go again!
• Those crazy West Coasters need more legislators like Chris Buttars.
• California isn't the largest state, at least not in square miles.
  

The LDS Church lost no time in chiming in, saying the way the U.S. legal system works is "unfortunate."

My blog entry even generated a couple comments like this somewhat mean-spirited one from (natch) "anonymous.":

No Problem

Plenty more where that came from, it's no sacrifice at all, we won once and expect to do so again.

Not interested in marriage for time and eternity?

How bout a 10 month long California hitch.

(Wouldn't waste my time changing the monogram on the towels, tho)

And this one, from somebody who could at least be bothered to make up a name (if not a URL or e-mail address):

I agree, anonymous. This court will get either be overturned, or the Constitution will be amended in November. Supporters already have the signatures to get the issue on the ballot.

It's nice to know that mocking the fact that I give 10 percent of my income to my church is totally not below the dignity of City Weekly to mock. It's also nice to know that for all your arrogant preening and elitism, your paper is still supported by escort services and 1-900 numbers.

Carry on.

Well, Jeff James, I'm not the one with the holier-than-thou moral objection to 1-900 numbers and escort services. You are. So what are you doing reading such a pornographic publication?

And, why should I not object to the fact that you donate 10 percent of your income to fund a permanent war against my family and people like me? Are you offended that I do not respect the "sacred" nature of your blood money?

If you were donating 10 percent of your income to do something Christlike--like, for instance, helping the poor--then I might be impressed. But until that day comes, you can dismount from your high horse and stop pretending that your church meddles in out-of-state political matters for any other reason than the fact that it's run by homophobic old men.

While most members of the LDS Church are wonderful and loving people, it only takes a few like you, Jeff James and "anonymous," to perpetuate the myth that the church is filled with intolerant bigots who are willing to go far out of their way to make sure others can't get a fair break.

(Brandon Burt)

Friday Letters Round-Up (Thursday Edition)

• Also, Benjamin Franklin said global warming was a scam dreamed up by Al Gore, and Abe Lincoln loathed Prius-driving, latte-sipping liberal elitists.
  

• Chris Cannon always seemed like such a reasonable and ethical person! Imagine my shock to discover he's actually a calculating little despot.

• Nothing says "good PR" like slapping other churches for copyright infringement.

• According to our interpretation of our own scriptures, your objections are unfounded.

• Also, somebody ought to do something about all those pesky bones, arrowheads and pottery shards.

• I see you're listening to crappy pop music. Apparently you've forgotten about a little thing we real Americans call ... 9/11!

• And not only that, it's also your fault that I think Belgrade is in Northern Ireland. Thanks a lot, newspaper.

(Brandon Burt)

We're Here, We Like Big-Box Chain Stores, Get Used to It

[Emily Littella Moment] What's this I hear about Sandy Pride Day? I think it's nice that our neighbors down south are getting a jump on the gay festivities a whole month early! And it's about time, too!

Of course, Sandy pride is about pride in the bland sameness that is Sandy, not about queer diversity. But still! Wouldn't it be fun to show up and plant trees carrying rainbow flags?

Imagine the raised eyebrows that would cause! If anybody does this, please send photos.

(Tip o' the hat to Trib commenter stiny_bring_me_a_danish, who wrote: "I don't have a problem with people who choose to live in Sandy, I just don't want them pushing their lifestyle on me or my children or thinking they deserve special treatment.")

(Brandon Burt)

Bike Sharing Update

[Westminster Wheels] City Weekly recently reported that City Planners had begun to contemplate the creation of a city wide bicycle-sharing program that would allow residents to rent or borrow public bikes to use to get around town. While the city program is still being batted around behind closed doors at city hall, a smaller version of the program is already picking up speed at Salt Lake City's Westminster College.

The program dubbed "Westminster Wheels" was officially inaugurated this last Earth Day where student body president Brody Leven took a similar idea and finally got it started. "We looked at lot of different models," Leven says "I finally decided to combine and modify them."

The Westminster program now offers thick, durable bikes with low wheel bases, single speed and painted purple and gold, that can be checked out by any students or faculty for a day for free, with a fine imposed only if returned late. "It's kind of like a library book," Leven says.

While the campus is small Leven says it gives students who don't have a car a nice option for riding from home to campus, or for making trips from campus to nearby Sugar House. The "awesome" bikes Leven says were purchased from a company in New York that designed them to stand out and be easily recognizable if they were ever stolen.

While the program is new, Leven has been pretty pleased with the results so far, and perhaps might have something the city council will wanna check out when they get serious about bicycle- sharing in SLC. (Eric S. Peterson)

Things That Make Right-Wing Nutcases Even Nuttier

[The Gays March On] Looks like the second state to jump on the pro-gay-marriage bandwagon will be California, now that its supreme court has ruled its anti-marriage amendment unconstitutional.

Which means it also looks like all those nontaxable dollars the LDS Church pumped into the Proposition 22 campaign were wasted. Your tithing dollars at work: It must have been such a faith-building experience to have scrimped, saved, sacrificed and denied your family 10 percent of your income so that gays in California could be oppressed for, oh, about 8 years.

Way to go, faithful tithing payers! Maybe you'll be able to do it all over again this year now that the wingnuts are gearing up for yet another futile battle. Careful, though--most of them are evangelicals and you know they don't like the Mormons one bit better than they like the gays.

Another thing for the membership to think about as their money gets spent by wiser and more powerful people than them: Civil marriage for gays has absolutely no effect on LDS temple marriages, which will continue to be restricted to opposite-sex couples for as long as the church cares to do so. And that's just fine with us. (Brandon Burt)

Buffalo Girls

[Uh, Journalism] As part of their periodic first-person series on how two newbies in Utah tackle the great outdoors, doggone cute Salt Lake Tribune reporters Maggie Thach and Roxana Orellana describe their camping adventure at Antelope Island on the Great Salt Lake.

It's kind of a print version of I Love Lucy--pick your favorite scene with Lucy and Ethel. It's crazy-slapstick! Their tent flaps in the wind. The camp chairs fly away. The mosquitoes. The brine flies. And only a half-can of bug repellent.

And then there are the bison. The outdoorsy grrrls write:

While on the island, we did more than camp. We drove almost the length of the island and found herds of bison. We were about seven feet away from one of them on our drive. Maggie was fascinated and wanted to get closer. Roxana was terrified and drove by at about 2 m.p.h.

Note to Maggie, for next time you visit the island (and if you go to Yellowstone National Park, too): More people die or are injured by getting too close to bison than are injured by bears in the outdoors. Bison are big. They are fast. They are seriously unpredictable. They are a cut above your average dumb cow. I'd advise against trying to pet one.

*Above: Husband and I, on bicycles in Yellowstone on April 20, 2008. Like Maggie and Roxana, we, too, were about seven feet from the herd. Except we knew what we were dealing with. The following scene was of us, picking up our bikes and carrying them s-l-o-o-o-w-l-y through hip-deep snow off the road and around the herd to avoid riling the beasts. (Holly Mullen)

For the Love of Mic

Contrary to the contentions of those who insist film critics must be frustrated wannabe filmmakers, I have never had the slightest interest in making my own movie. I have too much respect for the art and craft to subject the world to whatever piece of crap I might churn out.

The Salt Lake Film Society's Open Mic Night at the Tower Theatre provides an outlet for local folk who, unlike me, actually think they can put one of these crazy movin' picture shows together. For last night's installment, I was invited to serve as guest judge for the two-hour collection of 14 shorts programmed on a first-come, first-served basis. And there's some talent out there, kids.

Several of the shorts were the product of this month's 48 Hour Film Project, in which filmmakers were given a group of requirements arond which to organize a short film in two days. That led to the disorienting experience of watching multiple films in which a character named "Jacob Simon" appeared, or someone uttered the line, "Just wait and see." But it also led to my personal favorite, Sohrab Mirmontazeri's insinuating Western titled, appropriately enough, Western. It consisted almost entirely of two cowboys exchanging terse words, interrupted periodically by a saloon girl, but I was caught off guard by the tension in both the performances and the compositions.

Even without the 48 Hour Film Project requirements, there were some odd thematic threads running through the evening. Impending apocalypse and/or epidemic informed John Schwarz and Shane Smith's XY Fail, Joe Amici's Untitled and Jimmy Martin's L'espoin. Sprays of blood decorated Tyler Ford's Murder Pussy, Chali's El Guerrero Villa and XY Fail. And reparative "gay-cure" therapy appeared in both serious (the documentary Testimony) and comic (Murder Pussy) forms.

But perhaps the biggest surprises came not so much with what appeared on screen, but who appeared on screen. Derek Westerman's Brief Nudity Required -- a goofy collection of screen tests for tasteless non-existent films, including JonBenet Ramsay and O.J. Simpson bio-pics -- featured Juno's Michael Cera as one of the screen-testers. And City Weekly contributor Ryan Bradford turned up in Andy Bauman's Shark Jump, in which two pals engage in various innuendo-laden activities during a power failure. Thanks for that image, Ryan. If I avert my eyes next time you pass through the office, you'll know why. (Scott Renshaw)

What Is Heavy? Uh....

Join me tonight for some no-frills, deliciously heavy sounds when Los Angeles-based stoner rock/psych trio Dead Meadow performs at Kilby Court. Salt Lake City's Furs will open. I'm excited to hear the new material they cranked out as the recently reformed lineup. This is also an informal, tiny regional tour send-off for the Furs. Wish yer neighbors good luck.

Dead Meadow:

Trailer for rad documentary:

(Jamie Gadette)

The Kids Were Alright

This is from a 1996 Deseret News movie review of Kids in the Hall Brain Candy in which Chris Hicks concluded: "Yes, it's sick, twisted and silly, and it's all played very broadly in an off-the-wall style. And there are some undeniably clever set-pieces here and there - but most of the time it's also extremely tasteless.

Granted, tastelessness can be funny - but these guys revel in being nonstop, in-your-face tasteless at the expense of humor or insight.

... Rated R for wall-to-wall profanity and vulgarity, sex, nudity and drug abuse."

Perhaps that can explain why Kingsbury Hall was only about one third full last night for the Kids in the Hall's "Live As We'll Ever Be" tour. Chris Hicks' age-old curse? Or actual tastelessness?

But those who shelled out big bucks and bravely took their seats found the group's wall-to-wall profanity, vulgarity, sex and drug abuse was gut-bustingly funny. (No nudity, but perhaps that wasn't a downside.)

Scott Thompson's gay bartender Buddy Cole made an early appearance with a gentle nod to the local faith and then brazenly argued why Jesus was gay. As a parting shot, he "baptized" the front rows with what was left of his cocktail. When they next brought out a jug supposedly full of liquified human belly fat, my companion, who didn't know much about Kids in the Hall, got nervous and whispered to me: "Are these guys like Gallagher? Should we move back?"

That lack of awareness is a problem. KITH is not that well known anymore (unless you're a Comedy Central devotee and even then ...). The Kids in the Hall come from the Land Up Above ... Canada. And they came into prominence with their edgy Monty Pythonesque TV show in the late '80s and early '90s. But infighting and artistic differences eventually set them apart, and they went on to solo projects where they've toiled somewhat in obscurity.

Coming together again, they're like lasers. Yes, Chris Hicks, they're even insightful. They've aged well and are still quite crushable if you let your mind wander. Maybe it's seeing them play sexy gay and straight characters as well as convincing (not campy) women in drag. Even the Chicken Lady, played by Mark McKinney, as a phone-sex operator who talked dirty like a chicken might if it could, had a certain come-hither spark. Ping-pong balls shot out of her feathers into the crowd at her climatic moment. "My babies!" she cried out.

The two gossiping secretaries, Cathy and Kathy—played by Scott Thompson and Bruce McCulloch—with Kathy extolling the virtues of tweaking crystal meth to keep her weight in check, was possibly the funniest sketch if one had to choose.

Mr. Tyzik, McKinney's bitter headcrusher, showed up at the end, zeroing in on members of the audience with his camcorder and crushing their heads between his fingers. He even found ghosts in the empty seats, calling them the spirits of righteous religious folk who stayed away, and of course, he squished their little heads.

Most in the audience would likely concur: Kids in the Hall need to get their blips back on the radar. Take your vitamins, guys, and bring us more tastelessness soon. (Jerre Wroble)

The Weekly Poll: Chelada Party!

[Time-Wasting Survey] City Weekly grand poobah John Saltas has finally set a date for the social event of the season, the Chelada Party! Are you coming? Take our user-unfriendly survey and let us know: The Weekly Poll: Chelada Party!

Last week's results for the Speed Racer-centric Weekly Poll question, "Which animated TV series of yesteryear do you fear/hope is up next for Hollywood ruination?": The answer "Quit pushing your crap Gen-X nostalgia on me" was the clear winner. Now you know. (Bill Frost)

Another Sign I'm Getting Old: '80s Nostalgia

[The Good Old Maze] I think I may actually know the tunnels this art thief apparently used to make his/her getaway.

You see, back in the olden days, before we knew that practically everybody is a terrorist, we were able to go pretty much wherever we liked without risk of being thrown in Guantanamo Bay. For teenagers in the '80s, downtown Salt Lake City was full of all kinds of strange, out-of-the-way places to explore. (Occasionally, an adult might say, "Hey, you kids! Get outta here before I call the cops!" but on the other hand, there was very little risk of being waterboarded.)

Crossroads Plaza, rest its soul, was riddled with secret passageways. One, which led from the third level near Belezza to the roof, was often packed with mall Christmas decorations out of season and was a good place to torch a spliff--or so I've heard. Many were good shortcuts for getting from Point A to Point B. I was surprised when some other mall rat showed me a tunnel that led from Nordstrom Cafe to Weinstock's Cafe. (That was a very special day, the two cafes being major gravitational focii of our indolent little orbits; I never found it again.)

ZCMI Mall had its share of secret passageways, too; for some reason, I'm thinking the one that may have been used in the art theft was part of a system accessible from an elevator near the mall's Main Street entrance. It jogged around and ran quite some distance before ending up at some loading docks.

Later, when paranoia destroyed the country, a key-card system was probably installed, but in the '80s, all you had to do in order to go just about anywhere was to act purposeful and nonchalant. And nobody dreamed of stealing Mormon art then. I suppose it was an ideal time for all of us.

(Actually, I kind of like Christensen's whimsical art; it just seems it would be more at home at the Golden Braid than at Deseret Book. On the other hand, I always thought Mary Engelbreit would be more at home at Deseret Book than at Golden Braid, so what do I know?)

We were convinced that, if we explored enough, we'd eventually discover the fabled network of underground tunnels connecting the LDS Temple, Zion's Bank, the Capitol Building, Hotel Utah and the COB. We never did--and I realize now that, even in those days, with our shabby clothes and weird hair, guys in suits would have nabbed us before we came anywhere near it--but there was still something exciting, transgressive and adventurous about the whole thing. It was good, innocent fun.

To this day, I'm fascinated by the hidden parts of things--the parts we're not supposed to see. It's clear there's very little of solid, genuine value in the manmade world other than pure things like art and mathematics. And really good towels.

Everything else is a facade--and, these days, the facades aren't even that good--check the tatty material they made The Gateway out of. And then imagine the whole thing riddled through with cheaply built, fluorescent-lit utility tunnels that are uglier than any DMV waiting room.

I'll bet the gigantic mall that is replacing ZCMI/Crossroads will be locked down tighter than a Relief Society president's Tupperware collection, and kids probably won't be allowed to hang out there anyway unless they're spending money. Who knows? Maybe the next generation will buy this corporate illusion and think it's all real.

Maybe they'll be happier. (Brandon Burt)

The (not-so) Democratic Party

[Democratic convention] Last weekend’s Utah’s Democratic State Convention lacked the entertainment value of its Republican counterpart. One exception was the race to see who would have the honor of getting slaughtered by Jon Huntsman Jr. in the governor’s race.

Some convention delegates were chagrinned that party leaders felt the need to repeatedly hammer them over the head about which of three gubernatorial candidates they were supposed to vote for—eventual nominee Bob Springmeyer even selected his running mate before convention delegates had voted on a candidate for governor.

Not that delegates were going to vote for someone else. Their complaint was more … just how stupid do party leaders think we are?

The two other candidates vying for the gubernatorial nod included Matt Frandsen—an earnest number cruncher with an earnest proposal to reform Utah’s tax system to help the poor. It was among the best ideas of the night, but delivered with a spot-on impersonation of Saturday Night Live’s frightened perennial candidate Tim Calhoun. Frandsen appeared so nervous at having to speak before convention delegates at the Salt Palace that the podium literally shook every time he touched it.

At the other end of the spectrum was gubernatorial hopeful Monty “Millionaire” Nafoosi—a partially paralyzed real estate developer who rode onto stage in a the coolest motorized contraption ever—something like a Segway from the 23rd century—and whose entire platform for being governor of Utah consists of a plan for a fleet of state-built electric cars that residents could rent for $300 per month.

Now that nomination could have at least brought some fun to what is likely to stack up as among the most boring gubernatorial races in Utah history.

Instead, Utah Democrats will put forward Springmeyer, a not-crazy planner and longtime party activist affectionately known as “Bowtie Bob” because—get this—he always wears a bowtie.

When, oh when, will politicians understand that what the people want is bread and circuses. (Ted McDonough)

Dead Zephyr: Week 235

(Bill Frost)

Boffo Bike to Work Day

[Mayors on Wheels] Someone, somewhere has designated May National Bicycle Month.

Start celebrating tomorrow. Beginning at 7:15 a.m. you can join Salt Lake County Mayor Peter Corroon and Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker for "Mayors Ride-to-Work Day." Meet at the northeast corner of Liberty Park at 900 South and 700 East. A police motorcycle squad will accompany riders from the park to Salt Lake County Government Center at 2100 South and State Street, then on to Library Square in downtown Salt Lake at 400 South and 200 East.

Got all that?

It's actually a fun ride, and the weather gods are predicting sun and warm temps. Sponsors for the ride are Salt Lake County, Salt Lake City and UTA Rideshare.

And please, knuckleheads, wear a helmet. (Holly Mullen)

Hell o' Larry

Know why the Utah Jazz are destined to lose in the playoffs? It's because their owner prays to the wrong God.

In a travelogue appearing on ESPN.com, writer Gene Wojciechowski chronicles a road trip with Jazz owner Larry H. Miller on Sunday afternoon. Miller has notably chosen not to attend Sunday Jazz games in years past -- and did so again -- due to his own interpretation of how to keep the Sabbath.

It's not a particularly earth-shaking profile to those who already "know this guy," but it's fascinating indeed to read the comments generated by the piece. For some reason, ESPN.com readers decided to turn into divinity students, parsing the definition of the Sabbath and the proper observance thereof. How refreshing to see sports fans stepping away from "The Sports Team from My Area Will Defeat the Sports Team from Your Area" posturing and graduate to "The God from My Area Will Defeat the God from Your Area." (Scott Renshaw)

Dick Nourse, Graybeard

[Old Anchorman Watch] Oh, and another thing from the State Democratic Convention this past weekend:

The Dems have picked another one of these to run in the 3rd Congressional District. The candidate, Bennion Spencer, got retired KSL anchorman Dick Nourse to nominate him. The speech came via video, with Nourse citing a family emergency for preventing his appearance. Nourse now sports a gray beard and hair that daringly brushes his collar (dress code no-nos in his working days, no doubt). That's bearded Dick above, emceeing some fine and shiny event at the state Capitol recently.

Nourse sounded positively liberal in his endorsement of college professor Spencer, citing the sucking economy, huge federal deficit and other top traits of the Bush administration as reasons for electing a Democrat to the 3rd District.

Dick managed to get off a few quips in the process, including: "All we really know of national security is that at airports we have to take off our shoes and throw away our toothpaste."

(Holly Mullen)

Kurt Bestor: Kingmaker!

[2008 Campaign] What else was there to do on a beautiful sunny Saturday this past weekend than to hole ourselves up in the Salt Palace at the State Democratic Convention?

It was certainly high on my list, I'll tell you. Seriously though, I attended as a devoted helpmate to my significant other. He gave a nomination speech for Demo gubernatorial candidate Bob Springmeyer (whom I respect for his masochistic streak in even thinking of taking on uber-Gov. Jon Huntsman, Jr.). Killing time between scintillating speeches, I wandered around the display tables, where devoted organizations for everyone from 2nd District Congressman Jim Matheson to the Piute County Dog Catcher (kidding) were handing out badges, bags, key fobs, mouse pads, lip balms, sunglasses retainer straps--basically, anything they could print their candidate's campaign logo on.

By far though, the best swag came from musician/composer/hearthrob of Mormon MILFs everywhere Kurt Bestor. Bestor, who successfully ran for national delegate to the Democratic National Convention in Denver, gave out a CD titled Innovators, which included his big hit "Prayer of the Children."

He packaged the disc with a label that read "In Tune with Utah!" and "Obama National Delegate." Bestor was an early supporter of Barak Obama for president, and has been building an interest in politics for years. I saw him at a fundraiser for a local animal rescue a couple of months ago and he was already plotting his strategy to run for national delegate.

I have no doubt the free CD put him over the top. Denver or bust, Kurt. You go!

(Holly Mullen)

Does It Offend You? No, Not Really

[Music/Review] Generally when I am on the prowl for music, I get annoyed by the employees’ musical picks blasting on the record store’s stereo. It’s usually too damned loud (get off my lawn!). Of course, there’s an exception to every rule, as I discovered while browsing Graywhale recently. I found my feet tapping to an unfamiliar sound. I honestly don’t do this often but I asked the employee what he was playing. He informed me that Does It Offend You, Yeah? was rocking my socks off. I’m glad I heard their music first because that name has hipster bullshit written all over it.

I picked up a copy of You Have No Idea What You're Getting Yourself Into (which I didn’t, really), took it home and immediately started tracking down the band’s whereabouts tour wise. I found that they were located in the UK, but just for me, they decided to come to Urban Lounge on May 9. I am pretty selfish when it comes to new music discoveries and usually not hip enough to catch everything that has come my way in time, so selfishly, I always hope a band is under wraps before I catch them for the first time. After that they can have as many fans as they want.

Does It Offend You, Yeah? were on the bill with Laserfang and Yo! Majesty. Laserfang, I am ashamed to say, I have not seen enough since their bassist moved and they restructured the band. This is especially embarrassing because my roommate Shane “Awesome” Asbridge doubles as their frontman. They were so amazing and had all of the elements that I long for in rocking out: keyboards, amazing drums, and of course, the vocals. From now on, I’m going to make Shane serenade me to sleep every night.

Does It Offend You, Yeah? went on stage as scheduled, (what? weird!) but I had camera issues so I stepped outside to give old ma a call. My mommy fixes things: Shattered dreams, cameras, and boys teasing me. As she gave me detailed instructions I was confronted by two such boys asking me what I was taking photos for. I said an article, and kind of got mocked by them asking if the supposed article was my blog. I am sooo going to blog about them later.

The Urban Lounge is ideal for these types of shows, especially on a Friday night when the downtown bar is right on the cusp of being too packed, but not so badly that I want to cry and blog about it. The energy of the crowd was amazing, the sound of everything right on track, and I was still able to get my beers in a timely manner.

Urban eventually did grew to near capacity without me noticing (thanks beer) and everyone was crammed up to the front of the stage and en route had a run in with someone’s cigarette—my concert war wound for the night. It beat the usual—someone spilling a pitcher of beer on me.

Does It Offend You, Yeah? were actually much better live than on their album. They are an orgy of sound that compares to VHS or Beta, Bloc Party, Daft Punk, and a dash of LCD Soundsystem. If you like all that stuff, than you will love this band, if you don’t then fine don’t love them.

What made their set even more impressive is that this music is normally done by pre-recorded tracks, DJs and then some singing to top it off. These guys went all out organic to make the sounds they did and played all of their instruments without the bulking of pre-recordings to come to their rescue.

For their future albums, my constructive criticism: play zero slow songs so hard and so fast that yer fingers bleed. That is how I like them the best. And I will tell them that next time we are out shopping or having lunch.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to catch Yo! Majesty, I heard a lot of people were there to see them as well, (thanks beer AND Pina Coladas earlier) but in way sometimes when you go to a concert and you just saw something that is seemingly untopple, I just want to end scene and bask in what I just witnessed. So begins successfully my summer of oh so many concerts. (Dominique LaJeunesse)

The "Other KRCL" is Live

[Radio] Almost a month ago, City Weekly reported about UtahFM.org, an online radio station run by former KRCL 90.9 volunteers not thrilled with that station's new daytime direction (more on that in a moment). As of this morning, Utah Free Media is live and, well, strictly online--the number of people who listen to radio online grows every day, but it's still wee niche.

Right now, former KRCL show Melodius is on, to be followed at noon by something called The Come Monday Show With Brooke, "A comedy rock news talk show." OK, I'm intrigued. UtahFM is also hosting an open house at its Dakota Lofts (400 W. 200 South) basement studio this morning until 1 p.m.

Back on terrestrial KRCL, the new daytime lineup is finding a groove after a sleepy launch one week ago--the pace has picked up at least a little, and DJs Dave Perschon and Ebay Jamil Hamilton sound less tentative (but does it have to be sooo damn mellow all morning?). In the afternoons, Bad Brad Wheeler improved greatly between Monday and Friday, even if it still sounds like his previous KRCL blues/garage show with the occasional mandated playlist tune from upstairs. And the new daytime focus on local artists is the coolest development in SLC radio in years--that alone nearly wipes out all nagging complaints.

Drama aside, what you now have is two local stations playing quality music instead of just one. Not everyone is going to agree on that music (seriously, give me at least a couple of songs with an electric guitar and/or real snare drum in the morning), but it beats the hell out everything else on the dial. Let the bitching continue ... (Bill Frost)

Dead Head Pun Goes Here

[Baked News] Favorite headline of the week: "Teens Use Severed Human Head As Bong To Smoke Marijuana."

A threesome of surprisingly motivated teenagers in Houston dug up the corpse of an 11-year-old boy (who died in 1921), then took his skull home and fashioned it into a bong.

Kinda makes you feel ashamed for all those times you lazily used a beer can, huh? (Bill Frost)

Archie Watch

For those of you who may have been unaware, DAVID FUCKING ARCHULETA IS IN TOWN!!!!

The breathless coverage pours in, including this important story about someone who was once in the general vicinity of the would-be Idol. You know, when The Onion pegs stories to mundane happenings to "area man," they're joking. (Scott Renshaw)

First Body Armor and Now This!

[Support the Troops] It's hard to imagine sometimes how thinly stretched our military is as far as body armor, health benefits, never ending tours of duty in regions of the world like Iraq and Afghanistan, names familiar to citizens mostly as soundbites being punted around like a political football by presidential hopefuls.

But now it seems a Rep. Paul Broun, R-GA is moving to ban Playboys, Penthouses and other men's magazines from military bases as part of his "Military Honor and Decency Act." Describing them as pornographic and contributing to sexual assaults by military men.

You freakin' kiddin' me!?

I mean I think this is a proposal maybe worth batting around during peace time, but we've got soldiers bogged down on back to back tours in one of the most depressing wars of our modern era and now we're classifying pin ups and penthouse forums as "pornography" and therefore off limits to our soldiers? Nice one, Broun, way to support the troops. (Eric S. Peterson)

In the Running

[Politics] SomethingAwful.com isn't known for its political coverage--mostly it's known for its geeky humor ranging from the demented to the sublime.

In fact, I'll just go ahead and admit I'm mancrushing on Zack Parsons. Today's roundup of potential Obama running-mates is both instructive and entertaining--it's instruct-o-tainment!

Also, not surprisingly, the Kathleen Sebelius GILFosphere seems to be reaching critical mass judging from some of these YouTube comments ...

(Brandon Burt)

Band Of Annuals On KRCL

You've read about them in City Weekly, seen them on the cover of SLUG's current issue ... now hear them live on the radio. Today at 5 p.m., alt-country-ish locals Band of Annuals (ugh disclosure: new--as in I wrote about the band way before he joined--drummer=boyfriend) will perform on air during a new, hopefully weekly KRCL segment giving Utah bands primetime exposure. Good sign for the station's future? Any word on the next performer? Oh, and BOA is also featured in the last issue of No Depression. Pretty neat.

(Jamie Gadette)

Sweet Caroline

[Theater Review] It’s scary when a venue is small enough that the cast of a musical could be bigger than the audience. But up close is good for Wasatch Theatre Company’s production of Caroline, or Change.

In the Tony Kushner musical (few words are not sung), Caroline (Erica Richardson), a black single mother of four, cooks and cleans for—and butts heads with—a Jewish family in 1960s Louisiana. She also argues with her friends and kids about how to get ahead in a hostile world.

Requiring a mostly black cast singing pop and gospel, it’s an enormous challenge for a small Utah company. But with solid direction from Jim Martin, this is a winning group. Richardson, especially, is compelling and completely believable as a 37-year-old woman stuck in a job she hates and a family situation she can’t escape, denying dreams that have pretty much dried up like a raisin in the sun. This is no longsuffering, sympathetic Mammy; she’s angry and she’s bitter, and she lets the world know it. Without a missed step, Richardson draws us with a voice that seems energized by pain and deepened by hard experience.

I can’t think of any other actor in Utah who could have pulled off this performance, and I can’t think of any other play that would have given her the chance. Which means this is also a chance for us to see this blazing new talent in action before she (we hope) moves on to the bigger audiences she deserves.

Rose Wagner Studio Theatre, 138 W. 300 South, 801-355-ARTS, through May 17 (Christy Karras)

Time to Cut Bait?

[Media] Lois Collins has been getting phished.

As she points out, stories like these have been written before, but I always like Collins' down-to-earth sensibility, and it never hurts to have a reminder.

Still, you know the scammers are getting desperate when they start phishing journalists. What makes them think the press has any money? They might have better luck trolling in deeper waters like, say, among CEOs and stockholders. (Brandon Burt)

Constructive Criticism

[The Delusional Community] As I was waiting for Haroon Mohammed to make my hot dog, I noticed the T-shirt worn by a construction laborer in line behind me. (There's been a long line at his cart lately--Haroon's been doing good business now that the weather has started warming up!)

The reason I noticed it was because it was one of those Bob Dobbs-style repurposed commercial illustrations from the 1950s or '60s--they still catch my eye, even though they've been ubiquitous for 15 years or so. The wry caption read, "Silly liberal. Paychecks are for workers!"

It was just wrong on so many levels. First of all, from a design standpoint, it made no sense: The style of illustration mocks establishment, Eisenhower-era conservatism. If you want to mock liberalism, you've got to caricature an aging, out-of-touch academic. (Apparently, actual humor is optional.)

Also, it was the gays who repopularized those designs, pairing them with ironic slogans on greeting cards and coffee mugs in 1970s and '80s-era boutiques lighted with too much neon. Aren't they a little bit too twee to be worn by your typical rough-and-tumble construction worker? What's the next big thing in builderwear: black leather chaps and armbands? (Actually, that might be kinda hot ...)

But I guess what puzzles me most of all is this: How can any working person in this day and age still buy the neocon line that failed trickle-down economic policies somehow benefit people who aren't stockholders and/or CEOs of Fortune 500 companies?

The thing is, those stockholders and CEOs who do benefit also happen to have a lot of talented ad designers and copywriters working for them. They know how to drive that message home. The result? A generation of American workers who vote against their own best economic interests.

I just hope the next time that guy is rubbing himself with his $150 Bush tax cut, he'll think about the CEO who not only gets a million-dollar tax cut but an even larger bonus for doing the good deed of sending 5,000 American jobs overseas. (Brandon Burt)

David Sedaris Talks Pretty

Voracious readers, NPR junkies and anyone equipped with a healthy, slightly twisted sense of humor, get your wallets out and dialing/mouse finger ready: Tickets for David Sedaris' October 20 (!!!!) appearance in Salt Lake City go on sale tomorrow! What a rock star, popular enough to sell out venues faster than The Breeders (which is still not sold out, folks). You don't have to wait until October, though, for a taste of the satirist's latest material. Sedaris' new book When You Are Engulfed in Flames comes out in June. Check your local bookstore for details.

(Jamie Gadette)

Straight Outta S-Town

[Music & Politics] Finally, the white-rapper bloc of Sandy has weighed in on the 2008 presidential race. Please to enjoy the political hip-hop stylings of Syqnys (go ahead, try and pronounce it) ...



(Bill Frost)

More Milk Matters

[Gene Research] The Trib is running a Washington Post story about the platypus genome. It's a rewarding read.

Platypuses are those nutty mammals with ducks' bills that lay eggs and suckle their young. But one thing I didn't know is that they're also venomous like reptiles. (The "fangs" are on the platypus' hind legs.) The more I learn about these bird-snake-beaver things, the weirder they get.

Here's a particularly instructive passage (with added emphasis):

Platypus milk appears to be a modified version of a moisturizing fluid that ancestral platypuses once used to keep their leathery, lizard-like eggs from drying out during incubation. It is secreted from "milk patches" on the mother's abdomen.

As with kangaroos, platypus milk becomes more nutritionally complex over a period of months while the young suckle and grow, the result of at least five different genes turning on in sequence.

"The dairy industry is actually very interested in this and want to get their hands on the controlling gene elements that turn these milk genes on and off," Graves said.

Why, dairy industry, why? Are you saying that, through the miracle of science, one of these days we might sit down to a nice, frothy glass of cold platypus milk? Will you tell us it helps build strong bills and leg-fangs? For the record, let me just say, "Eeugh!" right now.

And the platypus genome isn't wild 'n' crazy enough without getting some cow genes mixed up in there too? Somebody's got to put a stop to this.

Perhaps the dairy farmers themselves might not be too keen on the idea once they realize there are no nipples on a platypus—only some weird-ass structures called "milk patches." Try hooking up one of your vacuum pumps to a milk patch, Ole. (Brandon Burt)

Local Bands On The Radio!

Our local talent is getting mad props on the airwaves. Check out The Devil Whale on KUER's RadioWest. I joined host Doug Fabrizio and Velour's Corey Fox to talk about the band and the burgeoning Provo music scene. The show re-broadcasts at 7 p.m. tonight and streams online, all the time.

Salt Lake City's Cavedoll was also featured today on NPR.org. Very cool.

Tune in to KRCL for Drive Time with Bad Brad Wheeler at 5 p.m. One of my personal favorites Purr Bats will perform live in studio. I wrote about them just a little while ago and neglected to mention that the lovely and talented Amber Jarvis played drums in the group for quite some time before James Acton stepped up. She and Suzy (ie?) provided back-up vocals on the new album. Ferocious! (Jamie Gadette)

Steamy in Beaver

[Alternative Energy] KSL is reporting this development. While most of the state is scrambling to keep coal and nuke plants on the energy agenda, this is one very cool and earth-friendly option.

(Holly Mullen)

Kobe Beef

[MVP Innuendo] I'll admit, in all sincerity, I do like the sports reporting of the D-News' Tim Buckley, earlier this week he put together a nice retrospective on Derek Fisher's journey from the Jazz to the Lakers and his struggle to take care of his family that was truly poignant.

But I must also admit, in all snarkiness, that I was a little thrown off by his wording in his recap of last night's Jazz loss to the Lakers and especially to newly crowned MVP Kobe Bryant:

"But the intimidating Lakers presence trumped all that Wednesday night, allowing Bryant--personal hardware in hand--to boast that..."

He's talking about the trophy right? Oh that Bryant, the guy is just too cocky for his own good, I tell you what...(Eric S. Peterson)

The Derek Fisher Folly

[NBA Playoffs] Almost one year has passed since Derek Fisher dumped the Utah Jazz in favor of returning to his old job with the L. A. Lakers. It's done. It's history. So I guess I should just get over my animosity.

But I'm one of those typical parochial Utah fans who's nursing a grudge. And dammit, I can't get over it.

Like most trusting Jazz fans, I truly believed Fisher last year when he told team owner Larry Miller he had to return to Los Angeles to find the best medical care for his baby girl Tatum, who is fighting a rare form of eye cancer. We all remember the high drama of Fisher's return from a medical trip with his family to New York last year. He rolled into Energy Solutions Arena at mid-game in the playoff series with Golden State. Roars of approval, applause and tear-filled eyes all around. Huge hero status for Fisher.

Then he ran.

But when the Jazz come home Friday night for game three, and with two losses in this agonizing-to-watch series, I'm expecting ear-shattering boos for Fisher. In hindsight, his decision to leave the Jazz looks um, fishier than ever. We have world-class cancer research and eye care facilities at the University of Utah. And even if he could find better options for his daughter in L.A., it's what--a 90-minute plane trip? It's not like most NBA players have to live in the city they play for anyway, and many don't. He could have lived in L.A. and played for Utah, still.

Last night, TNT commentators were going on about Fisher taking great pleasure in revealing all of the Jazz's plays to Laker coaches. That made me even more bitter. But I guess when Kobe Bryant calls you, urges you to come back and pick up where you left off, it's tough to say no.

Too bad. I really, really liked Derek Fisher at one time. Trusted the guy, too. All I can say is he'd better wear ear plugs tomorrow night when he takes to the ESA floor. (Holly Mullen)

Celebrating Mom the Old Fashioned Way

[Mother's Day] During the American Civil War a social activist named Julia Ward Howe (who also wrote the lyrics to "Battle Hymn of the Republic") began a campaign to celebrate peace and motherhood and protest war on the second of June every year. Gradually, the underlying political message fizzled out and what contemporary society now recognizes as Mother’s Day is a hollow Hallmark-y shell of its original dignity.

A group of Utah mothers plan to revive the campaign of the original Mother’s Day Peace Celebration this Sunday in light of the political turmoil due to the war in Iraq.

To celebrate, the group of mothers led by Riley Archibald and Erin Mendenhall will make and decorate peace prayer flags modeled after Tibetan Prayer Flags. They will also discuss how mothers can construct “Conscientious Objector” folders for their children.

The folders are designed to provide evidence in a court of law of the child’s peace and pacifism throughout life should they have to avoid a potential draft. Think scrap-booking for activists. For those interested, there is more information here.

Mendenhall and Archibald urge mothers that want to participate in the celebration/protest to wear black to symbolize solidarity in the cause for peace. (Keith Araneo-Yowell)

Mo-Movie Mania ... by Mail!

[Film] You know the problem with Netflix? Not enough copies of The Home Teachers.

At least that would seem to be the rationale for the announcement that a Tennessee-based outfit called LDS Movie Rentals has launched, providing direct-mailed DVDs to subscribers just like Netflix, only with a focus on LDS-themed feature films and instructional videos. "In the last several years, the LDS film industry has grown," says company co-founder John Frech according to a press release. "Unfortunately, most of the videos are not shown in national theaters or sold in Wal-Mart. This creates a disconnect with film producers and Mormon movie goers."

True enough, perhaps, but here's the problem: The company is charging $14.95 a month for "unlimited monthly rentals" with one title at home at a time, $22.95 with two titles at home at a time. And the catalog currently includes a whopping -- ready for it? -- 175 titles, including several General Conferences. That's a business model depending on a whole lot of repeat viewership. Or, even more frighteningly, even more Singles Ward sequels. (Scott Renshaw)

Tune In To KUER

Tomorrow, 11 a.m.-12 p.m., I'll be joining Doug Fabrizio on RadioWest to discuss local band The Devil Whale as well as Provo's thriving music scene/community. Corey Fox, owner of Utah County all-ages venue Velour, will also be on hand to add his two cents on Happy Valley's steady crop of enthusiastic bands and followers. Sure to be a rip-roaring good time.

Here's a taste of The Devil Whale, in case you missed my last Band to Watch post:



(Jamie Gadette)

Puzzling Evidence

[News] This AP item leaves me with more questions:

• Are frozen cats considered weapons?
• If so, then in what sense is a frozen cat "automatic"?
• Is it illegal to freeze cats in Sacramento, if they're already dead when you freeze them?
• Even if you can show the cats died of natural causes?
  
• What the hell is wrong with that guy?
  

(Brandon Burt)

Rising to the Occasion

[Media] The D-News has 2,100 words on the 50th anniversary of Rhodes frozen bread dough.

Now, I like Rhodes bread as much as the next carb-hound--it's not as dense and yummy as hand-kneaded bread, but it makes really tasty toast. That's not the reason I would like to shake Valerie Phillips' hand, though. I mean--2,100 words out of what is essentially a press-release item? That woman rocks my world.

I wonder what our own Stephen Dark would make out of the same release? Probably something like "Dough Bro," the tragic life history of a Rhodes worker who, 50 years ago, fell into a factory vat (d'oh!) and was kneaded so severely that the only body part he can move now is his left eyelid, so he worked out a system of morse code and has written an autobiography. His message? Don't end up like him. Be careful around dough vats. (Brandon Burt)

Down on Domestic Partners

[Law] An interesting decision came down from the Michigan Supreme Court today regarding insurance benefits for domestic partners of public employees. Like Utah, Michigan has a statute prohibiting same-sex marriage. Like Utah, certain cities, counties and public universities are recognizing (or trying to recognize) domestic partnerships in their employee benefit packages.

Hunker down Utah--now that Michigan has set a precedent, I can see our morality police jumping on the litigation bandwagon any minute now. LaVar Christensen, Gayle Ruzicka, Chris Buttars, are you all over it?

(Holly Mullen)

Teen Pregnancy Prevention Day

"Summer lovin'/ happened so fast. Then she got preggers/We got married (You know, cause it's the right thing to do)/five years later we'll get divorced." Isn't that how that song goes from Grease? No? Well, maybe it should. We're not advocating abstinence, necessarily. In fact, with access to factual, non-biased information, teenagers easily can learn how to lasso those raging hormones.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy invites you to learn more about the nitty gritty of relationships, sex and love, today and every day.

Planned Parenthood Association of Utah is another great source of information on teen pregnancy and comprehensive sex education. Feel free to send PPAC an email (ppac@ppau.org), especially if you want to take an active role in the issue.

(Jamie Gadette)

Boy Bands Poised for Comeback? WTF?

[Horrible Music] Not that anyone looks to the Salt Lake Tribune for musical insight anymore, but wasting a full Sunday section front on a new boy band (!) featuring one guy from Utah (who appears somewhere in the hallway during High School Musicals 1 & 2) is the epitome of "We really just don't give a fuck anymore."

Instead giving up some space for the, oh, hundreds of talented local musicians who are actually writing songs, recording CDs and touring on their own, the Trib gives us V Factory, a Web-manufactured karaoke dance troupe who've somehow conned Warner Bros. Records into believing this shit is a viable product (active word: product) in 2008. American Idol has dumbed-down the charts, but not this far.

Warner Bros. sent City Weekly a 5-song CD sampler being used to promote V Factory's "Bandemonium Tour" (where they're opening for, no kidding, Menudo--hits poor Provo tomorrow). It's awful, dated club crapola might be slightly tolerable with "fresh dance moves" to accompany it. But, then again, this video proves otherwise ...


Besides, everyone knows that the last (hell, only) great boy band with Utah ties was Sons of Provo ...


(Bill Frost)

God's Newspaper Gets Frugal

[Stingy Media] While Sandy Mayor Tom Dolan and his top administrators are getting hammered for taking routine and generous salary bonuses, it's a whole other story over at the Deseret News.

City Weekly recently acquired an April 11 memo to the editorial staff from DN Board Chairman and homebuilding-magnate-millionaire Ellis Ivory, which announced the end of the newspaper's annual holiday bonus program.

"As you know, the newspaper industry is facing difficult economic times. The Deseret News is not immune to those difficulties," Ivory wrote.

"Because of declining revenue and our continued concern about the difficult financial road ahead, the Deseret News Board of Directors has voted to eliminate the annual bonus program. We are very sorry to have to do this, but believe it to be essential for the economic viability of the paper. Even though the bonus is generally paid in November, we are announcing this step now so as to give you as much advance notice as possible." Ivory noted that merit-based bonuses will be covered on an "as-needed" basis.

Ivory concluded: "Despite this difficult economic climate, we believe the Deseret News has a bright future. With your continued best efforts, we believe there are great opportunities in print and online, to become an even better general circulation newspaper and fully develop our specialty niches, such as Mormon Times and MormonTimes.com"

One staff member says the holiday bonus, which has been paid out as long as anyone can remember, is based on salary level and years of service. "[Bonuses] ranged from a couple hundred to a couple thousand dollars," the staffer says. "For many big families, the bonus paid for their Christmas. They passed out the memo because lots of people were complaining--including the company suck-ups who never utter a negative word about the paper."

For Salt Blog readers who may be living in a sensory-deprivation chamber, the Deseret News is owned and nicely subsidized by the LDS Church. The no-bonus memo was issued the same day DN editor and former Washington D.C. lobbyist Joe Cannon announced the paper would drop the "Morning" from its masthead. Observers of the local media scene say the change was to help sell the heralded "niche" publications referred to above. The name Deseret News is traditional, and resonates nicely with those who read it only for faith-building information. Very "niche." (Holly Mullen)

The DABC Magic 8 Ball

[Liquor Laws] The Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control has put out a newsletter to explain new liquor laws that went into effect this week. Unfortunately, divining exactly what the Utah Legislature had in mind when it passed its latest version of liquor “reform” is like reading tarot cards.

As reformulated by the 2008 Legislature, Utah law now says bars have an option of changing their meters to pour “up to” 1.5-ounce drinks, instead of the standard 1-ounce pour of the old law. But the new liquor law also banned sidecars and reduced the total amount of alcohol in a drink by one-fourth an ounce, creating all sorts of new math for bartenders.

The Question and Answer guide to the law for bar owners written by the DABC suggests not even state liquor regulators can figure out the new rules. Here's Question No. 11:

• Q. I am a private club and intend to serve 1.5 ounce primary alcohol. If a member orders a rum and coke, can I set down another rum and coke if he has consumed at least ¼ of his initial drink?
  
• A. Probably, as long as the drinks are not put down together. This is a judgment call. Besides, as a seller/server of alcohol, why would you want to do that? Wouldn’t you rather wait until the patron has finished the drink before serving another?

Not clear enough for you? Try Question No. 3, which takes the opposite approach to the above long winded response. Here, a similar two-drinks-one-customer query is simplified to a Zen riddle.

• Q. As a private club we are discussing serving a 1.25 ounce primary pour. Can we then have 2 of the same drinks in front of a customer?
  
• A. Yes, as long as one (or both) is not a shot of the same liquor.

Chant the answer long enough and eventually the solution will become clear to you.

Below are some of the other questions the DABC says it has received from club owners about the new liquor law, and the liquor enforcement agency’s answers. Study up. Here’s hoping you guess the right answer next time an undercover booze cop stops by asking for two rum and cokes.

Q. As a private club we intend to stay with a 1-ounce pour. If a member wants 1.5 ounces, can I pour 1 ounce primary pour then ½ ounce of the same liquor from flavoring?

A. No.

Q. My ring system can pour different sizes. Can I pour 1.5 ounces, 1 ounce and ½ ounce of flavoring from the same bottle?

A. Yes, if the dispensing system can account for each primary portion (regardless of the size) dispensed from the same bottle.

Q. As a private club, can we make it our policy to have the first drink 1.5 ounces then the 2nd and 3rd only 1 ounce, and ¾ ounce on each drink after that? Am I required to charge different prices?

A. Yes, as long as the customer is aware of the portion and each is priced accordingly.

Q. Our liquor system will pour different amounts at the push of a button. Do I have to indicate what quantity is being poured?

A. Yes.

Q. Can I advertise on a sign within my club that I pour 1.5 ounce drinks?

A. Yes.

Q. What pour amount will DABC check when they test my gun or ring system?

A. Whatever size the licensee says the system is set to pour.

Q. How will Liquor law Enforcement know how much liquor I put in a drink or in front of a customer?

A. The same way they do now.

Q. I am a private club. Can I serve 1.5-ounce drinks on Monday through Thursday from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. if I do not advertise it as “happy hour” and charge more than my regular 1-ounce pour?

A. No. A drink may not be sold at a special price for a portion of the business day.

(Ted McDonough)

Dead Zephyr: Week 234

(Bill Frost)

Think Tank a Thinkin?

[Immigration] Utah's beloved conservative think tank the Sutherland institute has recently released in honor of Cinco de Mayo, an essay on the think tank's vision of immigration reform. The result...surprisingly...a breath of fresh air on the topic.

"As conservatives we view this issue morally as much as we view it socially, culturally and economically," writes Sutherland President Paul Mero in the preface of the essay. "It is not a policy abstraction or objectification, we are talking about real people not unlike every Utahn."

Striking a chord of compassion (?!) Mero outlines that Utah ought to seek a federal waiver to address immigration issues on its own. Like crafting its own guest-worker program so that individuals work and reside in Utah legally. Thus taking the wind out of the "rule of law" anti-immigration argument.

The essay goes on to articulate that a classic conservative approach would emphasize open immigration: "authentic conservatives are clearly pointed in the direction of conserving the principle of open immigration," Mero writes.

Elaborating on the problem of an overly zealous "secure the borders first" type of rationale the essay says: "Our current concern is of justice and fairness. We just don't like people "cheating" our system. Again lets be perfectly clear. In an environment of open immigration, there are no such people as "cheaters." Restrictive and closed immigration policies create cheaters."

(...Damn...am I nodding my head while I read this essay?)

This report and its recommendations will come as something for the legislative Immigration task force to truly chew on. My initial concern was that petitioning for a federal waiver might embolden an "enforcement-first policy" that the essay argues against, to act under the same carte blanche. But you have to at least give props to the Sutherland folks for making the case that immigration is not a problem that can be fixed by bigger fences alone. (Eric S. Peterson)

Poo and More Poo

[Swaddle 'n Sweep] If it's May it's television sweeps time, and last night, KSL co-anchor Deanie Wimmer had it covered.

In one of her memorable "staying safe" reports, Deanie took a sampling of swim diapers, pulled one at a time on each baby and plopped one child after another into a glass aquarium. The goal was to show which wrap might best protect us from another summer invasion of cryptosporidium, the creepy parasite that loves to leech out of shitty diapers and infect the swimming masses. For weeks at a time.

The crucial ingredient to Deanie's on-camera science experiment was oatmeal. She mixed the mush with inky dye, slipped a gob into the diaper and lowered the kid into the tank. Kid kicked away, and soon enough, we were treated to close-ups of little oat chunks slipping from the diaper. Deanie called them "floaties"--the scientific name, I guess. Probably Latin.

Anyway, since I'm long past pulling toddlers with loaded diapers out of the public pool, I didn't much care which diaper best passed the test. But I did enjoy co-anchor Bruce Lindsay's reaction when the camera cut back to him for happy talk.

Typically buttoned-down Bruce paused, smiled and let out his inner imp: "Thanks Deanie," he said. "I think you've permanently turned me off of swimming and oatmeal." (Holly Mullen)

The New KRCL: Day 1, Part 2

[Radio] After a snoozy morning launch with Dave and Ebay, Bad Brad Wheeler signed onto KRCL at 2 p.m. and rocked it up a bit--just as he did on his old Roots n Blues show. Actually, it IS his old Roots n Blues show, just longer, with some Smiths and Radiohead tunes thrown in.

Maybe the Grand New Radio Vision kicks in tomorrow, and today was only a test. Right? (Bill Frost)

The New KRCL: Day 1

[Radio] So far ... so sleepy. Really want to give the new guys (so far, Dave Perschon and Ebay Jamil Hamilton) a chance here, but KRCL 90.9's bold new plan for the daytime is really only inspiring me to crawl back into bed. Sure, it's all good, critic-proof music you're not going to hear anywhere else--but what's with the easy listening agenda? It's like naptime at the vinyl store.

Of course, Day 1's only half over; it wouldn't be fair to pass final judgement just yet. But unless somebody picks up the damned pace and quick, I for one ain't going to be awake to hear how the rest of Monday goes. (Bill Frost)

Just Get Her the Whips and Chains

[Dumb-ass Diatribe] Today's best letter to the editor. This is a joke, right? (Holly Mullen)

Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives!!!

I'm a sucker for the Food Network, specifically Ace of Cakes, Iron Chef America and ... Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives. Hosted by Guy Fieri--a man perpetually sunburned and often inexplicably wearing sunglasses on the back of his head (you know the look)--the show features mostly family-owned joints serving "off the hook" comfort food and greasy spoon favorites. Well folks, Guy is coming to town to profile Pat's Barbecue! In conjunction with the local BBQ spot's sixth anniversary, the show will tape twice on May 5 and May 9, 11 a.m.-3 p.m. Get in on the festivities and support Pat's!

(Jamie Gadette)

Friday Letters Round-Up

• Also, before 2006, pop stars wore underwear, I had more hair, ice cream was free, and my laundry was 40 percent cleaner. Damn Democrats!
  

• Lost boys, missionaries—tomato, tomahto.
  

• Mesoamerican postmodernism, crappy Disneyesque fascist futurism--tomato, tomahto.
  

• If six solid years of irresponsible Republican hegemony wasn't a test of liberalism, then I don't know what is!
  

• I see your irrational exuberance has made you homeless. Too bad you're not Bear Stearns.

(Brandon Burt)

It's Friday and You Should Learn Something

(Jamie Gadette)

Teacher, Teacher, I Declare

[Education] Since state governments these days are so busy looking for new ways to give our money to rich people, they've stopped worrying about all the little things--especially, educating those little things. (Maybe uneducated adults are more easily exploited by corporate bastards.)

But, it doesn't look like the numbskulls on the hill are going to be giving us any love anytime soon, so maybe we should leave them to debate exactly what it is they think we should all be doing in the bedroom, while we take matters into our own hands. So to speak.

I'm intrigued by the microfunding model at DonorsChoose.org. Teachers write proposals for classroom projects, books and equipment, and then the magic of the Intertubes takes care of the rest--donors can give any amount they choose toward any any project they favor.

If you'd rather your largess apply close to home, it's possible to search by state. One junior-high-school teacher in Ogden really seems to want a $1,100 "document camera" for some reason. (It's to get kids excited about historical documents. While I don't begrudge educators anything, with my own limited funds, I'd have to think hard about that one.)

But others are more comprehensible to my mind, like the elementary school teacher in Davis County who needs a "root farm"--I think it must be a kind of a glass case where kids can see the creepy root systems of plants growing. Pretty cheap at less than $150 for two of them. (A lot of people don't realize that the part of a plant you can see is actually only half the plant. The rest is underground.) The root farm sounds so cool I think every school should have one. And DonorsChoose.org is so cool, I think everybody should see it.

Bill Frost Will Not Be On Hand

[Music] ...at The Urban Lounge tonight when the venue transforms into Urban Outfitters to accomodate the increased cute-as-hell hipster presence inspired by Black Kids and, to a lesser extent, Cut Copy. Lesser extent because the latter act attracts a more diverse crowd of electronic music fans. Here's a sample of Black Kids. Totally tubular.



Also on tap tonight, The Swell Season at The Depot. I had the pleasure of chatting with Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova when they first came to SLC during Sundance, promoting their beautiful film Once. Even then, you knew they'd go on to bigger and even more beautiful things. This event probably should have sold out, but hasn't yet and won't likely. Way to promote Oscar winners, Depot!


(Jamie Gadette)

The Weasel on Polygamy

[News-ish] Finally, a report we can all trust on polygamy, courtesy Pauly Shore (you may remember him from such cinematic milestones as Bio-Dome and Jury Duty):



(Bill Frost)

Doin' It for Herself

[Those Amazing Animals] I admit it--I drink milk. By the glassful.

I know the prospect of cow's milk as a beverage is distasteful to many adults. (Not to mention that it's probably unhealthy: What possible good can come of drinking a substance whose purpose is to transform a 100-pound newborn calf into a 1,200-pound heifer in two years?)

But what else are you going to drink with toast? Or chocolate-chip cookies? Orange juice is no substitute. I've been told soy milk, the second most important bean-based drink, comes with a learning curve. Nondairy creamer looks yummy, but believe me, one glass of Coffee-Mate is enough for a lifetime.

Why don't people like milk anymore? As a symbol, milk has many powerful and beneficent connotations: motherhood, generosity, wholesomeness--the milk of human kindness, for Goddess' sake!

Maybe the problem with milk is the strange ... well, liberties that humans must take with cows in order to extract it.

Well, problem solved.

(Brandon Burt)


Video courtesy Reuters

Worst. Playlist. Ever.

[Music] Bolus has created a compilation of some of the worst pop songs in history for your viewing/listening "pleasure." Surprisingly, David Geddes' "Run Joey Run" (my personal favorite terrible pop song) wasn't on the list, but an alert reader spotted the omission and posted a link in the comments section.

Here's another old favorite. Look at how shiny Toni Tennille's hair is!



(Brandon Burt)

Book 'Em, Texas!

[FLDS Update] In addressing whether the 460-plus children taken from the Yearning for Zion FLDS ranch have been abused, is anyone considering their intellectual neglect?

Texas officials tell public school administrators the FLDS kids taken into custody nearly a month ago have had no exposure to children's books. All books, in fact, were reportedly removed from areas where the children were being held after the raid on the ranch.

This audio clip from NPR's All Things Considered last night addresses how Texas public school officials might cope with the flood of FLDS kids who will eventually enter the school system. The children have been home schooled and isolated from the outside world. Administrators don't know what accommodations they might need to make. They say they want to be culturally sensitive.

So, said one of the administrators, they will have to examine how and when to expose the kids to books.

I'd say any childhood that lacks exposure to this book, or this one, or this one is just plain neglectful.

(Holly Mullen)

Won't Somebody Think of the Niños!

[Art] This Friday May 2, at the Salt Lake City and County building (451 S. State) a children's art exhibit will be on display on the first floor gallery. The éste es mi México or 'this is my Mexico' exhibit will feature artwork by children from around the world depicting their impressions of Mexico. The festivities will run from 4:30 to 6:oo pm, and will include a mariachi band and an opening reception with Mexican Consul Eusebio Romero and Señor Mayor Ralph Becker. Come support the kiddies and enjoy a little global art right here at home. (Eric S. Peterson)

Daily Documentary Project

What a great idea. Truly, a brilliant way to get to know Utah. I caught wind of this via 15 Bytes, the awesome online arts publication nicely profiled here.

(Jamie Gadette)

Full Circle for Bap Bap

[Uh, Justice] Here is what driving drunk and plowing into a man on a bicycle will get you in Salt Lake County: A plea of negligent homicide (a misdemeanor) and one year in jail.

I once wrote about the victim in this case, Bap Akol Deng Bap, and now his story has come full circle. A Sudanese immigrant living in Salt Lake City, Bap was killed on a warm September night in 2006.

It seemed only fair to compose an obituary back then for the hard-working 36-year-old because he had no one else to do it. Bap had fled war-ravaged Sudan in the early '90s. He had lived for a time in India, earning an economics degree, then found his way to the United States. He lived alone. He had one brother in Canada. The rest of his family had remained in Sudan.

Like most political and religious refugees in Salt Lake City, Bap conducted his life simply and quietly. In writing about him for The Salt Lake Tribune, I contacted friends in the relocation community and his employer. "It was such a tragedy, really. This man does not have an enemy," said Nyuol Nyuol, a fellow Sudanese and a case manager for the Utah Refugee Center. "He contributed to the Sudanese people here. He was a good man." Nyuol remembered how Bap read several newspapers a day at the Salt Lake City Main Library and that the devout Roman Catholic attended mass every morning.

On the night of his death, Bap was riding his bike (his only means of transportation) home from the night shift at Black Diamond Equipment in Holladay. He worked there assembling mountain sports equipment. Company founder and CEO Peter Metcalf has a reputation for hiring refugees and paying them fair wages and benefits. Many of his employees ride bikes to and from work, Metcalf said at the time. BDE provided them with helmets and flashing head and tail lights for their bikes.

None of it made a difference for Bap that night. Police reports established he had been riding on the shoulder of 3900 South just east of Highland Drive when hit from behind. Bap died at LDS Hospital shortly before sunrise the next day. Alone.

County prosecutors say they could only make a negligent homicide charge stick because they could not clearly prove that suspect Pedro Sosa-Avilias was driving impaired. Witnesses were unreliable, they said.

So now it ends. Nearly two years ago, Metcalf said it best: "He worked hard and had a very gentle way. To think that he went to hell and back to get [to the U.S.], a nice guy, a guy who was doing all that was expected, and then to have him die like this. It's tragic."

Just slightly more tragic than what passed for justice in the disposition of this case.

(Holly Mullen)

It's Thursday and It's Crap Outside

What to do when May feels like December? Kick off "Spring" with a little book reading/signing at King's English. Salt Lake City native turned New York author Sarah Burningham will be in town tonight to share with us her inventive book, How to Raise Your Parents: A Teen Girl's Survival Guide, the idea for which originated when Burningham herself was an adolescent battling for, among other things, an extended curfew.

Hip-hop heads have two opportunities to witness a new chapter in the career of master DJ crew X-ecutioners (Rob Swift, Total Eclipse, Precision) executing insane feats of turntablism. The under-21 crowd can check out the action at Uprok, 5 p.m. Later, the Ground Xero tour hits the Hotel, a private club for members.

Oh, and some band named "The Used" is performing at Saltair. Go if you want to see a local boy making bank on the drums.

Also, I really miss this band


(Jamie Gadette)

The Obama-Wright Divorce

[Campaign 2008] A New York Times backgrounder today on the Barack Obama-Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. split pretty much explains what's wrong with U.S. presidential politics:

1. Once you get famous, don't even think of remembering who actually brought you to the dance. Here in the U.S., we won't let you. Even though he tried until this week to honor the long relationship he had with his pastor and role model (including borrowing the title for his bestselling book from a Wright sermon), Obama really began cutting ties with Wright by dumping him from his campaign announcement program in early 2007. At the urging of his campaign operatives, Obama apologetically called Wright the night before the big announcement, telling him they would replace him with another pastor to offer the invocation.

According to the story, Wright never got over the snub. He told his daughters in a phone call: "I'm only going to say this once. Don't look at the TV tomorrow."

2. As a candidate, you'll have to choose between your faith and fame. And never, ever underestimate the pull of fame, and the blind ambition it takes to become president. (And that applies to all candidates, sadly.) Obama had characterized Wright's passionate beliefs and sermons as the reason he finally found religion. At Wright's inner city Chicago church, Trinity United Church of Christ, Obama saw rich and poor, and black and white worship together and embrace their differences. It was a time in Obama's life, according to the Times, when he "finally pulled every disparate strand of his background together and found his faith."

Ah, the good old days. Wright, obviously hurting still from what he perceives as Obama's disrespect, wanted to share the spotlight, but couldn't give up his fiery speeches and compulsion for polarizing politics to do so. Now the friendship is kaput--maybe even permanently.

3. And finally, the media. When will they shut the hell up about this rift? Obama has divorced the preacher man. It's done. America got to see the pain and the squirming of two good men under the big, 24-7 news cycle microscope. They've both been ripped to shreds over the issue. The Obama-Wright debacle has been reduced to something on the level of Divorce Court. Maybe we could move on now? (Holly Mullen)

Stallone Again, Naturally

The nostalgia for John Rambo, everyone's favorite Vietnam veteran-turned-freelance death-dealer, is at a fever pitch. Stallone revived the character in January's Rambo; Son of Rambow, a 1980s-set indie comedy about two British kids who make their own DIY video version of First Blood, debuted at Sundance 2007 but will open theatrically in Salt Lake City on May 23.

And now, as a special treat for Rambo-maniacs, the original 1982 film will be making a one-night-only theatrical re-appearance. On Thursday, May 15 at 7:30 p.m., theaters nationwide (including the Cinemark West Jordan and Century Theaters locally) will host a digitally re-mastered version of First Blood. Special features will include a look at the alternate ending, and an exclusive interview with the Sly-man himself. Oil up your bare chest and break out the thong headband. (Scott Renshaw)