Mock the Vote: Expert Post-Election Analysis

[Election 2008] Now comes the time to analyze the Election 2008 results in a thoroughly unprofessional, snarky manner. Hey, it's all we gots ...

United States President
Barack Obama beats John McCain (but not in Utah): As funny as it was to watch John McCain diehards and Fox News anchors (the same) whine and shit blood on Election Night as McCain conceded the U.S. presidency to Barack Obama, there was still the small matter of Utah attempting, predictably, to extend the run of a miserably failed Republican regime. And not just any Republican: The worst president in modern history! Yes, McCain (and only McCain, not that dumb cooz Sarah Palin) is far smarter and more honorable than our soon-to-be-former Tard in Chief George W. Bush (ah, savor that name fading into the ether), but Utah would have voted for an out-patient rodeo clown if he had an (R) after his name. Yet Obama and creepy Joe Biden lost Utah by fewer points than any Democratic presidential ticket since … City Weekly doesn’t pay for research, so who knows? It seems like progress, until you look at Utah’s local races, anyway…

State Governor
Jon Huntsman Jr. beats Bob Springmeyer: Why would you even think of challenging the Ken Doll for the office of Utah Governor? Bob Springmeyer lost hard and was put away wet by incumbent Republican Jon Huntsman Jr., a handsome old dude I’d swear I’ve seen on those Touch of Gray hair-color commercials dragging around surfboards and rockin’ out with Cream. Psychodell Schanze was also in this race, and 1% of you voted for him. Stay away from me.

Second District Congressman
Jim Matheson beats Bill Dew: Jim Matheson is supposedly a Democrat—he won anyway. If you saw any of Bill Dew’s campaign signs, it’s not hard to understand why.

Third District Congressman
Jason Chaffetz beats Bennion Spencer: Republican Jason Chaffetz came of nowhere (and Facebook), knocked off ol’ Chris Cannon in the primaries and then won the whole deal by 66%. Since his name sounds like an outlet store in an Orem strip mall, I don’t think anyone ever really took Bennion Spencer seriously.

Attorney General
Mark Shurtleff beats Jean Welch Hill: Another male Republican win—what a shocker! Even though he’s basically a torso-less head on a pair of crutches anymore, Mark Shurtleff apparently still appeals to Utahns more than some woman with big hair and three names. Blame it on Enid Green Waldholtz, if you remember her.

Salt Lake County Mayor
Peter Corroon beats Michael Renckert: Peter Corroon was stuffed by a taxidermist years ago, but people still love him—and he’s a Democrat! Michael Renckert was just too bald to win; Mayor is a job that requires great hair, cueball.

Salt Lake County Councilman
Randy Horiuchi beats Steven DeBry: Blowing a wad of cash on annoying ads paid off for Democrat Randy Horiuchi. That, and Steven DeBry’s association with a cut-rate technical college that cranks out unskilled graduates like bologna. Wait, that’s DeVry. Now I have no idea why DeBry lost.

State Senator
Chris Buttars beats John Rendell: An "allegedly" racist douchebag Republican who’s a complete embarrassment to the state and mankind in general squeaks by in the final hours. Dreams can come true, kids! It’s good to know that Utahns will stand by an offensive old coot whose ideas and beliefs ceased to be relevant sometime before the advent of Evolution. Sorry, Evolution never happened; it was all Jesus and Bob the Builder, or however the hell that story goes. My bad. (Bill Frost)

Ethics on a Deadline

[Legislative Sleaze] In the ongoing contest over which Utah legislator is more unethical--Rep. Greg Hughes, R-Draper, or Rep. Phil Riesen, D-Salt Lake City--it's looking like the calendar will win this one.

Rep. Todd Kiser, R-Sandy, and co-chairman of the House Ethics Committee, says he must follow a legislative rule and keep an upcoming hearing surrounding Hughes and Riesen closed to the public. Lawyers for Hughes and Riesen would like a court ruling to open the hearing, which was originally scheduled for later this week at the State Capitol. But both attorneys concede that cost and time are working against them.

The original charge in question focuses on an allegation that Hughes in 2006 offered then-Republican Rep. Susan Lawrence $50,000 to change her vote on the school vouchers bill from no to yes. Riesen got hold of documentation about the alleged bribe, and leaked the information to KSL-TV reporter John Daley last week. Now Hughes faces ethics charges for the alleged bribe. He's arguing Riesen breached legislative ethics rules and brought disrepute on the body (!!) by leaking the story to the media. Most Republican legislators, including House Speaker Greg Curtis, are painting the whole thing as an election season stunt orchestrated by Democrats.
While it's gratifying to see a little grease applied to the rusty spokes of legislative ethics in Utah, don't hold your breath waiting for an outcome. Hughes and several other Republicans who tried to force-feed vouchers on Utahns are locked in very competitive re-election battles this year. Kiser told The Salt Lake Tribune yesterday the task of getting to the bottom of this story will be terribly laborious:

"I think it could be a very long and drawn out committee meeting that lasts many days."

Translation (for those of us who didn't just tumble off the turnip truck):

"Uh, with only 29 days till the election we could really string this sucker out!"

(Holly Mullen)

No Ethics Violations Here, Move Along People

[Political Scandals] Rep. Mark Walker was not to be seen at this morning's House Ethics Committee meeting, where members gathered to determine whether enough evidence existed to pursue allegations of ethics violations against the 32-year-old Sandy Republican.

He must have been out somewhere nursing two arms that GOP leaders broke over the weekend.

That's because it turned out Walker abruptly resigned Sunday night, turning over a letter "explaining" his decision to House Speaker Greg Curtis. (The gist: his wife and family can no longer take the ugly turmoil and attacks others have brought upon him.) So, when the ethics panel convened at the state Capitol, ready to investigate allegations that Walker tried to bribe his GOP opponent for State Treasurer, Richard Ellis, into quitting the race, there was no longer anything to discuss. Committee Chairman Rep. Todd Kiser, a fellow Sandy Republican (Walker, Kiser, Curtis--all Repubs from Sandy--are you seeing a pattern here?), announced the lawmakers now lacked jurisdiction to pursue the case any further.

Criminal charges may be forthcoming; the case rests with the Salt Lake County District Attorney Lohra Miller, also a Republican.

The case boiled down to charges that Walker had offered Ellis a job and a substantial pay increase at the treasure's office if he would drop out before the GOP primary. Ellis, an assistant in the current treasure's office, held his ground. Then late last month, an e-mail surfaced backing up Ellis' claim about Walker's alleged bribe. The House Ethics Committee took up the matter--only the third time in 22 years the group has addressed such a violation.

I talked to Ellis, who beat Walker in the primary, after the 11-minute meeting was adjourned. "I'm suprised [at the outcome]," Ellis said. Ellis showed up with a stack of documents and other paperwork regarding his testimony--he apparently didn't get the resignation memo. "I was subpoenaed to be here today," he said. "Essentially I was prepared to discuss my affidavit with the committee, which is public record." Ellis said he'll stand by his account of events with his opponent, and is ready to testify in any criminal case, should it go that far. Meanwhile, he said, "I'll just pursue my election."

The Democrats on the committee, naturally, were not apprised of the sudden turn of events. "Pretty anti-climactic," is the way Rep. Carol Spackman Moss, D-Holladay, described the morning.

Rep. Roz McGee, D-Salt Lake, has announced she won't seek resignation, having spent two terms as a lone voice in the wilderness on political ethics issues. She spoke with the freedom of a lame duck today.

"I'm disappointed," McGee said afterward. "It's a committee that's only met twice in all these years; I think it shows the emphasis this body puts on ethics. It's a different story out in the community. Members of the community who follow these issues, and they do, have told me they feel these matters are important. They want some accountability in this [legislature].

(Holly Mullen)

Money...Morality...It's All the Same

[Utah Politics] It's come to this in Utah politics--where the GOP rules so unchecked and audaciously, that even the Republican race for state treasurer for god's sake, has been reduced to smarmy measurements of "traditional family values."

Cathy McKitrick reports in today's Salt Lake Tribune about the upcoming primary runoff between Repubs Mark Walker and Richard Ellis. Both, it appears, have decent enough cred at accounting, money management and the wearing of dark blue suits and white shirts--all skills you would expect a state treasurer candidate to have mastered.

But Walker has apparently decided to turn the race into a yardstick for measuring right-wing morality.

Ellis, currently chief deputy state treasurer, says of his opponent, Walker:

"Walker's applause lines at the [state GOP] convention came after references to gay marriage, unborn children and tax cuts. You had a crowd there where that really resonates," Ellis continued. "But that has nothing to do with the role of state treasurer."

Except in Utah, of course, where no doubt even a Republican race for dog catcher could be reduced to a pro-life/pro-choice argument around neutering. (Holly Mullen)

Dick Nourse, Graybeard

[Old Anchorman Watch] Oh, and another thing from the State Democratic Convention this past weekend:

The Dems have picked another one of these to run in the 3rd Congressional District. The candidate, Bennion Spencer, got retired KSL anchorman Dick Nourse to nominate him. The speech came via video, with Nourse citing a family emergency for preventing his appearance. Nourse now sports a gray beard and hair that daringly brushes his collar (dress code no-nos in his working days, no doubt). That's bearded Dick above, emceeing some fine and shiny event at the state Capitol recently.

Nourse sounded positively liberal in his endorsement of college professor Spencer, citing the sucking economy, huge federal deficit and other top traits of the Bush administration as reasons for electing a Democrat to the 3rd District.

Dick managed to get off a few quips in the process, including: "All we really know of national security is that at airports we have to take off our shoes and throw away our toothpaste."

(Holly Mullen)