Mock the Vote: Expert Post-Election Analysis

[Election 2008] Now comes the time to analyze the Election 2008 results in a thoroughly unprofessional, snarky manner. Hey, it's all we gots ...

United States President
Barack Obama beats John McCain (but not in Utah): As funny as it was to watch John McCain diehards and Fox News anchors (the same) whine and shit blood on Election Night as McCain conceded the U.S. presidency to Barack Obama, there was still the small matter of Utah attempting, predictably, to extend the run of a miserably failed Republican regime. And not just any Republican: The worst president in modern history! Yes, McCain (and only McCain, not that dumb cooz Sarah Palin) is far smarter and more honorable than our soon-to-be-former Tard in Chief George W. Bush (ah, savor that name fading into the ether), but Utah would have voted for an out-patient rodeo clown if he had an (R) after his name. Yet Obama and creepy Joe Biden lost Utah by fewer points than any Democratic presidential ticket since … City Weekly doesn’t pay for research, so who knows? It seems like progress, until you look at Utah’s local races, anyway…

State Governor
Jon Huntsman Jr. beats Bob Springmeyer: Why would you even think of challenging the Ken Doll for the office of Utah Governor? Bob Springmeyer lost hard and was put away wet by incumbent Republican Jon Huntsman Jr., a handsome old dude I’d swear I’ve seen on those Touch of Gray hair-color commercials dragging around surfboards and rockin’ out with Cream. Psychodell Schanze was also in this race, and 1% of you voted for him. Stay away from me.

Second District Congressman
Jim Matheson beats Bill Dew: Jim Matheson is supposedly a Democrat—he won anyway. If you saw any of Bill Dew’s campaign signs, it’s not hard to understand why.

Third District Congressman
Jason Chaffetz beats Bennion Spencer: Republican Jason Chaffetz came of nowhere (and Facebook), knocked off ol’ Chris Cannon in the primaries and then won the whole deal by 66%. Since his name sounds like an outlet store in an Orem strip mall, I don’t think anyone ever really took Bennion Spencer seriously.

Attorney General
Mark Shurtleff beats Jean Welch Hill: Another male Republican win—what a shocker! Even though he’s basically a torso-less head on a pair of crutches anymore, Mark Shurtleff apparently still appeals to Utahns more than some woman with big hair and three names. Blame it on Enid Green Waldholtz, if you remember her.

Salt Lake County Mayor
Peter Corroon beats Michael Renckert: Peter Corroon was stuffed by a taxidermist years ago, but people still love him—and he’s a Democrat! Michael Renckert was just too bald to win; Mayor is a job that requires great hair, cueball.

Salt Lake County Councilman
Randy Horiuchi beats Steven DeBry: Blowing a wad of cash on annoying ads paid off for Democrat Randy Horiuchi. That, and Steven DeBry’s association with a cut-rate technical college that cranks out unskilled graduates like bologna. Wait, that’s DeVry. Now I have no idea why DeBry lost.

State Senator
Chris Buttars beats John Rendell: An "allegedly" racist douchebag Republican who’s a complete embarrassment to the state and mankind in general squeaks by in the final hours. Dreams can come true, kids! It’s good to know that Utahns will stand by an offensive old coot whose ideas and beliefs ceased to be relevant sometime before the advent of Evolution. Sorry, Evolution never happened; it was all Jesus and Bob the Builder, or however the hell that story goes. My bad. (Bill Frost)