Mock the Vote: Expert Post-Election Analysis

[Election 2008] Now comes the time to analyze the Election 2008 results in a thoroughly unprofessional, snarky manner. Hey, it's all we gots ...

United States President
Barack Obama beats John McCain (but not in Utah): As funny as it was to watch John McCain diehards and Fox News anchors (the same) whine and shit blood on Election Night as McCain conceded the U.S. presidency to Barack Obama, there was still the small matter of Utah attempting, predictably, to extend the run of a miserably failed Republican regime. And not just any Republican: The worst president in modern history! Yes, McCain (and only McCain, not that dumb cooz Sarah Palin) is far smarter and more honorable than our soon-to-be-former Tard in Chief George W. Bush (ah, savor that name fading into the ether), but Utah would have voted for an out-patient rodeo clown if he had an (R) after his name. Yet Obama and creepy Joe Biden lost Utah by fewer points than any Democratic presidential ticket since … City Weekly doesn’t pay for research, so who knows? It seems like progress, until you look at Utah’s local races, anyway…

State Governor
Jon Huntsman Jr. beats Bob Springmeyer: Why would you even think of challenging the Ken Doll for the office of Utah Governor? Bob Springmeyer lost hard and was put away wet by incumbent Republican Jon Huntsman Jr., a handsome old dude I’d swear I’ve seen on those Touch of Gray hair-color commercials dragging around surfboards and rockin’ out with Cream. Psychodell Schanze was also in this race, and 1% of you voted for him. Stay away from me.

Second District Congressman
Jim Matheson beats Bill Dew: Jim Matheson is supposedly a Democrat—he won anyway. If you saw any of Bill Dew’s campaign signs, it’s not hard to understand why.

Third District Congressman
Jason Chaffetz beats Bennion Spencer: Republican Jason Chaffetz came of nowhere (and Facebook), knocked off ol’ Chris Cannon in the primaries and then won the whole deal by 66%. Since his name sounds like an outlet store in an Orem strip mall, I don’t think anyone ever really took Bennion Spencer seriously.

Attorney General
Mark Shurtleff beats Jean Welch Hill: Another male Republican win—what a shocker! Even though he’s basically a torso-less head on a pair of crutches anymore, Mark Shurtleff apparently still appeals to Utahns more than some woman with big hair and three names. Blame it on Enid Green Waldholtz, if you remember her.

Salt Lake County Mayor
Peter Corroon beats Michael Renckert: Peter Corroon was stuffed by a taxidermist years ago, but people still love him—and he’s a Democrat! Michael Renckert was just too bald to win; Mayor is a job that requires great hair, cueball.

Salt Lake County Councilman
Randy Horiuchi beats Steven DeBry: Blowing a wad of cash on annoying ads paid off for Democrat Randy Horiuchi. That, and Steven DeBry’s association with a cut-rate technical college that cranks out unskilled graduates like bologna. Wait, that’s DeVry. Now I have no idea why DeBry lost.

State Senator
Chris Buttars beats John Rendell: An "allegedly" racist douchebag Republican who’s a complete embarrassment to the state and mankind in general squeaks by in the final hours. Dreams can come true, kids! It’s good to know that Utahns will stand by an offensive old coot whose ideas and beliefs ceased to be relevant sometime before the advent of Evolution. Sorry, Evolution never happened; it was all Jesus and Bob the Builder, or however the hell that story goes. My bad. (Bill Frost)

Dick Nourse, Graybeard

[Old Anchorman Watch] Oh, and another thing from the State Democratic Convention this past weekend:

The Dems have picked another one of these to run in the 3rd Congressional District. The candidate, Bennion Spencer, got retired KSL anchorman Dick Nourse to nominate him. The speech came via video, with Nourse citing a family emergency for preventing his appearance. Nourse now sports a gray beard and hair that daringly brushes his collar (dress code no-nos in his working days, no doubt). That's bearded Dick above, emceeing some fine and shiny event at the state Capitol recently.

Nourse sounded positively liberal in his endorsement of college professor Spencer, citing the sucking economy, huge federal deficit and other top traits of the Bush administration as reasons for electing a Democrat to the 3rd District.

Dick managed to get off a few quips in the process, including: "All we really know of national security is that at airports we have to take off our shoes and throw away our toothpaste."

(Holly Mullen)

Kurt Bestor: Kingmaker!

[2008 Campaign] What else was there to do on a beautiful sunny Saturday this past weekend than to hole ourselves up in the Salt Palace at the State Democratic Convention?

It was certainly high on my list, I'll tell you. Seriously though, I attended as a devoted helpmate to my significant other. He gave a nomination speech for Demo gubernatorial candidate Bob Springmeyer (whom I respect for his masochistic streak in even thinking of taking on uber-Gov. Jon Huntsman, Jr.). Killing time between scintillating speeches, I wandered around the display tables, where devoted organizations for everyone from 2nd District Congressman Jim Matheson to the Piute County Dog Catcher (kidding) were handing out badges, bags, key fobs, mouse pads, lip balms, sunglasses retainer straps--basically, anything they could print their candidate's campaign logo on.

By far though, the best swag came from musician/composer/hearthrob of Mormon MILFs everywhere Kurt Bestor. Bestor, who successfully ran for national delegate to the Democratic National Convention in Denver, gave out a CD titled Innovators, which included his big hit "Prayer of the Children."

He packaged the disc with a label that read "In Tune with Utah!" and "Obama National Delegate." Bestor was an early supporter of Barak Obama for president, and has been building an interest in politics for years. I saw him at a fundraiser for a local animal rescue a couple of months ago and he was already plotting his strategy to run for national delegate.

I have no doubt the free CD put him over the top. Denver or bust, Kurt. You go!

(Holly Mullen)

Un-Endangered Democrats

[Party Caucus Review] You know the old saw about the Democrats being an endangered species in Utah? Always the snail darter or Yellowstone cutthroat trout of politics, the precious few Demos in this state seem to always be dodging rocks and current in their regular swim upstream.

Well, for the first time in 10 years, it didn't look so depressing last night at my Democratic Party caucus. According to today's news accounts we had more than 400 people at the meeting at Salt Lake's Dillworth Elementary. Talk was floating around the Dillworth gym/lunchroom (where we met as a leg. district and then broke into our smaller precincts to elect delegates and other officers) that this was the largest Demo Caucus turnout in the city. Even more than the Avenues! Ha. Take that--you pinot noir sipping, cashmere and pearls-wearing Avenues-livers!

We had 22 people in our precinct group. By contrast, two years ago, we had six. At that time we had to beg someone to run for delegate to the county and state conventions. Last night, we had three candidates scrambling for the delegate post. And it wasn't some budget-basement effort, either. Each candidate had prepared an actual speech.

So we elected Katy Macey delegate. In comparison to her two opponents, who were longtime party water carriers, Katy is a relative newbie. She gave her pitch and described her growing interest in politics: She wants to see a change in the White House. She's a former intern from the University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics. For the first time in her adult life, she can actively participate in politics because her kids are finally grown.

She won in a landslide.

This morning, a couple of radio talk show hosts were bleating on about the train wreck that has become the Democratic race for president. Hillary Clinton lying about her reception in Bosnia. Barack Obama struggling to distance himself from his vitriolic pastor. On the national front, the Demos look like their usual self-destructing gang.

But here in the Utah trenches--the place where real people live real lives--I'd offer what I saw last night at Dillworth School as exhibit A for this fall's election. Even in this blood-red state, the tide is shifting, if gradually. Rank and file Democrats are engaged and enthused. It's true that most of them have a favored candidate for president, but in the end ABAR (anyone but another Republican) will get their vote. They are determined to wipe out every last trace of Bush-politik come November. The national press can blather on about the in-fighting among Democrats, but I did not see Chris Matthews or Tim Russert reporting from Dillworth last night. And as always in America, what's happening in our own back yards is the real story anyway.

Did you go to your caucus meeting last night? Which party? Feel like sharing your report with the rest of the class? (Holly Mullen)