And, speaking of ugly cankers ...

[Media] Syndicated pipsqueak Ricky Lowry has another op-ed in the Trib: this time ruminating over Jeremiah Wright's baleful impact on the Obama campaign. (Lowry does care, you know. The dear boy only wants the Democrats to have the best candidate possible.)

What are Wright's terrible crimes against humanity? Far as I can tell, he preached that God doesn't like the way America has been treating blacks for the past couple centuries or so. He even went so far as to suggest that the United States hasn't always acted in the best interest of its black citizenry.

Now I suppose, if you were particularly clueless, you might try to argue the point. Yes, the U.S. has made some progress on the civil liberties front--due almost entirely to huge sacrifices made by black civil-rights workers, and no credit can go to the white politicians and conservative opinion writers who, by and large, have strenuously resisted every civil-rights push in history. In other words, Rich Lowry doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. (And no more do I, but I don't pretend to, either.)

The wingers don't seem to have thought out this Rev.-bashing strategy very carefully, however: The one good thing about the right-wing Rev. Wright drumbeat? Once the Democratic National Convention's over, John McCain's nutty buddy Rev. John Hagee--whose endorsement McCain actively courted--will be fair game.

Here's a little taste of that down-home Hagee wisdom McCain has come to rely on so much:

"The United States must join Israel in a pre-emptive military strike against Iran to fulfill God's plan for both Israel and the West... a biblically prophesied end-time confrontation with Iran, which will lead to the Rapture, Tribulation, and Second Coming of Christ."

The thought of such a lunatic having the ear of a presidential candidate chills me to the bone more than anything Wright has said possibly could.

(Brandon Burt)

Masters of the Obvious

[Media] Today's best "no-shit" headline. (Holly Mullen)

Corroon vs. Calhoun

[Identity Crisis] If Salt Lake County Mayor Peter Coroon and perennial Saturday Night Live candidate Tim Calhoun have ever been seen in the same place together, I need to know about it. Seriously. Now. (For the full effect, play both vids simultaneously.)





(Bill Frost)

The Last Beer Part II

[Assault and Guzzling] I said it before. And I'll say it again.
(Holly Mullen)

Dear In The Venue

First off, thanks for consistently hosting such great bands. But really, the reason I'm writing is to offer up a suggestion: If you must book two shows in one night (with one band performing in "Club Sound" and the other on the "In the Venue" side), perhaps consider announcing ahead of time which band will be appearing in which "club." This way, when I list shows in the City Weekly, readers will know where to go! For example, on May 16, Atmosphere is apparently playing at In the Venue. That same evening, Tapes N Tapes and White Denim are also apparently playing at In the Venue. Now, I know the Minneapolis hip-hop artist is not performing with either of the indie rock groups. So I guess I'll just go ahead and make a random guess and put him in Club Sound? You see, very confusing. Anyway, here are some rad videos by all three acts:




Cheers,

Jamie Gadette

Superheroes Among Us

[Weekly Poll] Last week, we asked if you preferred SLC pizza over all others: The winner was a resounding "Yes!" for the locals, with New York/Chicago pies a distant second and frozen Red Baron coming in third. Hot Pockets, nowhere to be found ...

This week's City Weekly feature story chronicles the adventures of the Black Monday Society, a self-appointed group of "superheroes" who patrol the streets of Salt Lake City. Do you feel safer or just creeped out?

Take the new Weekly Poll here.

(Bill Frost)

It's Wednesday and It's Crap Outside

Fill your lungs with a different kind of pollution at The Urban Lounge! Tonight's wild and crazy musical guests include Salt Lake City's own Red Bennies and Laserfang, plus Monofog and Magic Cyclops. Did I mention it's Laserfang Shane Asbridge's birthday? Well, the day after. But who cares? He's a real nice fellow and a hell of a musician. He's the inspiration behind a Vile Blue Shades (not Vile Blue Shards, KCPW. Better change that PSA) ditty. Can you guess which one?

Celebrate good and bad times at Da Phat Squirrel Presents.

(Jamie Gadette)

Clark Waddoups a Non-Partisan Miracle!

News has hit that Bush has tapped SLC attorney Clark Waddoups for a federal judgeship. As reported in the trib this morning, Waddoups' colleagues see him as a uniquely unpolitical animal, where colleague Rob Clark said "he does not have a political orientation." AG Shurtleff weighs in to say that political labels don't apply to Waddoups.

Hmmm seems just a wee bit suspicious. The first red flag should smack you in the face when you start trying to add "Bush pick" with "nonpartisan." Which for me equals "yeah right."

Then you also have glowing recommendations of a man who has managed to somehow live in the twilight zone of political neutrality in his decades plus career as a trial attorney, a miracle if there ever was one. But its not until you actually look back on Waddoups' career that you might, like me, suddenly come down with a hacking *bullshit* cough.

Some recent cases for Waddoups:

2002--Waddoups successfully wins out against disability rights group seeking redress from the handicapped-unfriendly design the Boyer company made of the Gateway mall.

2006--Waddoups successfully gives legislators the power to peel back generous public employee benefits that used to allow employees to trade eight unused hours of sick leave for a month of post-retirement medical benefits.

2007--Waddoups disappoints school voucher clients when he fails to get the high court to put the kibosh on the public referendum initiative.

Of course if one of these (which is just a sampling) sticks out as a big thumbs up from the Bush camp, it would have to be the public benefits case, because it was here thatWaddoups and friends tried strong arming the Utah judiciary by insinuating that if the state went to trial that legislators might have to hold back state employee salaries by $20 million to save money for legal fees. Now that's the kind of "lets screw over separation of powers" game play the Bushites can truly sink their teeth into. (Eric S. Peterson)

Freud would have a heyday...

[Filed under "WTF?"]



Ohhh... where does one start? According to Reuters this morning, Florida lawmakers are convening to ban this man's nutz:





I can already hear the outcries of men's rights groups all across the nation. "Leave our Nutz alone!"



"Are you sick of looking at side steps and bug shields?
Want a REAL auto accessory?
Want a site that offers Hot Chicks, Bad-Ass Rides, Free stuff, and the funniest accessory in the industry?" (per Truck Nutz' site)


Yyyyyyeah. I foresee a public cast- er, demonstration by local feminists in support of the Florida ban.


Girls! Start sharpening those vagina dentata!

(SLC Random)

Missed Opportunity

Remember James Anthony? He had a gallery/retail space on SLC's East Broadway strip. His merchandise included apparel with illustrations and engravings from the late 18th, 19th and 20th centuries. His clothes put a unique spin on local residents' wardrobes. Then someone had to ruin all the fun by infiltrating a private party where alcohol was allegedly served to a minor. Slapped with a fine, James Anthony's store shut down. He had every intention to remain in SLC, but when opportunity knocked he headed to another Eastern district--in New York City. Nearly a year later, Anthony is thriving. He even caught the attention of one of my favorite authors, Augusten Burroughs (You might have heard of a little memoir called Running With Scissors? Read the book; skip the movie):

"Do you know? I walked the streets of New York City for A WEEK looking for cool t-shirts and I saw only garbage -stuff I have seen over and over and over and over. BLECH. Until these James Anthony shirts appeared from the sky, a gift from Jesus’s pet Cow."

Good for Burroughs and Anthony, shitty for us. Why does this city continue to drive away adventurous artists and business owners?

While we mull over that question, let's all continue to support the remaining businesses along East Broadway and every promising burg in SLC. Been to Disorderly House lately? Frosty Darling? Let's hold onto the pulse that keeps us at least in spitting distance of cutting edge.

(Jamie Gadette)

Lohra Miller Casted

[Leg Up] Salt Lake County District Attorney Lohra Miller is on crutches, and sporting a Pepto-Bismol pink cast on her right foot. She was just about to settle into her chair before the Salt Lake County Council earlier today and was finishing a chat with KSL-TV reporter Richard Piatt.

In a moment of perfect lawyer timing, Miller--failing to see a City Weekly staffer who had just walked into the room--explained her color choice for the cast thusly: "It's my little get-back at City Weekly." Then she chuckled.

The reference, for those playing along at home, would be to this City Weekly cover story, which was giddily headlined "Illegally Blond," and featured the above photo (apologies to Elle Woods and Reese Witherspoon).

To which we at CW must reply: "Yep, you sure got us Barrister Miller! And which of us is clunking around town in a plaster foot cast?" (Holly Mullen)

Another Nail in the Alco-Pop Coffin

[News] At a Detroit Tigers baseball game recently, a man (a university professor, no less) accidentally gave his thirsty 7-year-old son a "hard" lemonade from the concession stand. A security guard noticed it and, instead of just telling dad "hey, you probably don't want to give your kid that," called The Authorities. How very Utahn of him.

Forget State Liquor Stores--once the story hits locally, you won't be able to find this crap anywhere. Think of The Children! See what can happen?! (Bill Frost)

Get Off the Bus

[Bus Fare Hike] Enjoy your free ride on UTA’s new FrontRunner commuter train from Ogden to Salt Lake City? Great. Now get ready for a fare hike.

Three days after the inaugural run of the newest installment to its expanding rail system, UTA has begun advertising that it wants to add a new “fuel surcharge” to fares. Public hearings to take comment on the plan are scheduled May 13 at UTA offices on 3600 South. Written comments will be accepted until May 20.

UTA says the fare hikes are required due to increased diesel fuel prices.

Under UTA’s proposal, fare hikes would start July 1. Every three months, rates would be adjusted to match increased fuel prices. The rate plan would stay in effect until diesel dips below $3 a gallon.

For the just opened FrontRunner, the base fare is currently $2.50. The July fuel surcharge would add another 50 cents, for a $3 starting fee. TRAX and bus will cost $2. (Ted McDonough)

Same As It Ever Was?

This is cool: The Pickle Company will hold auditions this Saturday, May 3, for a chance to appear in the October theatrical performance of My Life in the Bush of Ghosts, ostensibly in conjunction with the recent re-release of Brian Eno and David Bryne's groundbreaking 1981 collaborative LP. The somewhat controversial--though largely overlooked--album explored the concept of found art, global connections and the way in which influences play a role in creating new work. This is a perfect sounding board for TRASA Urban Arts Collective's artist-in-residence program to build on. Those interested in trying out, head to Rose Wagner Center, Studio B, 10:30 a.m., Saturday. Everyone else, clear a space on your calendar Oct. 22-26.

(Jamie Gadette)

Dead Zephyr: Week 233

(Bill Frost)

Last Splash

[Booze News] Sunday night marks the last time (for now) that Salt Lake City tipplers can legally obtain a full-strength Long Island Iced Tea--or at least the way they're used to having it. Utah's newly revised liquor laws take effect Monday, May 5. Yes, they take effect on Cinco de Mayo.

This could be a bummer--or not. While the new laws are, as usual, ultra confusing (especially to out-of-state visitors) the truth is the amount of alcohol allowed in each drink will shift from 2.75 ounces to 2.5 ounces. So if the bartender tinkers with each recipe, I suppose you can still have that cocktail in a new, slightly bastardized form.

I think we can all agree this is a headache. But we can also agree that locals will get around it, just like we cope with every other silly law enacted to make us drink less but which only drive us to drink more. Woot! So visit your local bar. I know Piper Down is at least one place throwing a last hoorah. Urban Lounge also has Time To Talk Twee Tunes, a mellow night of sounds perfect for drowning sorrows. (Jamie Gadette)

A lot on her plate ...

[Rachael Ray] Via the Slashfood blog (What's the most annoying Rachael Ray catchphrase? I'd say "yum-o," but only because now that she has a foundation called that, she uses it twice as often as any of her other annoying catchphrases):



It's 2 minutes 46 seconds of Rachael Ray saying, "Mmmm." (Brandon Burt)

SLCounty Domestic Partnership Bennies Dead, Again

[Domestic Partnerships] The Salt Lake County Council moments ago beat down a move to provide health insurance and other benefits for county employees in committed domestic partnerships.

Again.

The vote was 5-4, and strictly along party lines, on a substitute motion that pulled all teeth from Democratic Council Member Jenny Wilson's* original proposal. Republican Council Member Mark Crockett, who faces re-election in November, presented the new motion, which sets up a study to determine the cost of insuring other members of a household not traditionally covered under employee insurance plans, such as aging parents and adult disabled children.

Crockett added that if the study determines feasibility for additional benefit designees, the employee would have to pay the entire premium for the additional family member.

Whaa?

As Democrat Joe Hatch pointed out, that is no kind of a benefit to anyone outside the traditional circle of the insured. Because it places a huge burden on the employee to pay. And if it's out of reach economically for most workers, what kind of fool (my word, not Hatch's) would consider that a benefit?

Well, as you might guess, most of the discussion wallowed around in the "traditional family values" hemisphere. Republican Council Members Jeff Allen and David Wilde said they want to do all that they can to preserve, protect and encourage society to uphold the traditional family.

Wilson, sponsor of the original proposal hasn't wavered in her 2-year-long fight to just cut to the quick: whether you support health care benefits for domestic partners just like everyone else. Her Democratic colleagues, Randy Horiuchi, Jim Bradley and Hatch, all said they do, and clearly.

The rest of them spoke through mouthfuls of mush.

The question is whether the matter will be back.

*Full disclosure: Jenny Wilson is my stepdaughter. (Holly Mullen)

The Winds of Change ...

[Politics] Apparently, John Valentine is living in fear for his Utah Senate presidency.

The Trib's Robert Gehrke reports that, according to a member of the Utah Bar Commission, Valentine's response to one of Sen. Chris Buttars' inappropriate acts may have cost Valentine political points, leaving him on the verge of vulnerability.

(Since it may be difficult for readers to remember exactly which of Buttars' myriad slip-ups led to exactly which fucked-up state of affairs, we propose the Buttarsflap indexing system: "Buttarsflap 2008-1(b)" denotes the one where Buttars wrote an imperious letter to a judge for ruling against his developer buddy.)

Valentine punished Buttars for this lapse of decorum merely by removing Buttars as chairman of a Senate committee--which was not exactly draconian. Buttars was even allowed to remain on the committee. If this kind of self-regulation is what merits "a political hit" against Valentine in the Utah GOP, it's no wonder the party elite are so afraid to clean up fellow Republicans' ethical problems. The fact that it took place during the fallout from Buttarsflap 2008-2(a)--the black baby remark--should have no bearing on the matter.

But, there's always a bright side. If Valentine loses his post, Sen. Mike Waddoups might become Senate president.

In other words, a Republican from West Jordan might replace a Republican from Orem because of another Republican from West Jordan. And what a breath of fresh air that will be. (Brandon Burt)

Tickling the Economy

[Economy] The May stimulus checks are on their way the Bush admin is hopeful the $600 checks ($1200 for families with $300 per runt) will stimulate the economy out of it's doldrums and help shake off our country's pre-recession jitters.

But the verdict is still out on whether this check will do anything to steer the country away from its collision course with a recession, given the number of people who will use the money just to try and put a dent in their stack of bills.

That being said. retailers are going on the offensive, to get yo money before you can squirrel it away under your mattress. The Kroger co. for one, a national food retailer (Smith's, Fred Meyer etc...) is offering to let customers swap their stimulus checks for store cards that come with up to an additional $120 of store credit on them.

For all the Smith's outlets and Fred Meyers around, this will definitely be a big draw in Utah, but its not just the big boys on the national retail level who want you to spend some of that cash.

Clark Yospe VP of Marketing for RC Willey Furniture says they've got plans to advertise for that fatty stimulus check. "We are hoping to capture some of those dollars," Yospe says. "We're concerned some of you news folks have been printing surveys saying that people are just gonna spend the money on bills and their savings. Now that wouldn't exactly be a stimulus would it?"

Yospe wouldn't go into details about the furniture outlet's plan for attracting stimulus money for fear that competitors might steal their idea. Yospe did say however, that a direct mailing would be coming out soon to let consumers know why they should stimulate the economy at RC Willey's.

But whether it's groceries, furniture or whatever, it looks as though the economy may at least be in for a good tickle. (Eric S. Peterson)

Flying Whimsical Thingies

[Public Art] Allow me, just for a minute, to get all positive and upbeat about downtown.

Yesterday, we took in a matinee of Pygmalion's comedy, Sordid Lives, at the Rose Wagner. While walking to the theater, we noticed the latest installment of "Flying Objects," the Salt Lake City Arts Council's public art project. There were four newly placed metal sculptures in the 300 South median, directly across from the Rose Wagner on the north; Squatter's Brew Pub on the south. (At right, "Untitled" by Fred Conlon, on 300 South between West Temple and 200 West.

"The 12-part public art project named “Flying Objects” in downtown Salt Lake City had a final “makeover” on Sunday morning," said Arts Council spokeswoman Nancy Boskoff in a press release. "The 12 sculptures, all created by Utah artists, are separated into three groups, each located near a cultural facility. With the rearrangement of the sculptures this weekend, the “Flying Objects” have arrived at their final destination and will remain in place for about a year, at which time a similar project with new sculptures will be unveiled."

The sculptures are whimsical. They caught our eye and best of all--made us feel a little more hopeful that downtown isn't headed for the extinction list like some sort of urban decaying dodo bird.

Maybe there's hope for life beyond The Gateway yet...(Holly Mullen)

High Defamation

[Local TV] Is it purely coincidence that, as soon as KUTV 2 rolls out its "true" high-definition broadcast, that "false HD" KSL drops this report about how HDTV isn't really all that?

"Some cable or satellite customers say they're a little disappointed with high definition programs," it leads off. "They say the picture quality isn't much better than normal programming."

In other words, even though KSL has been touting its own HD broadcasting for months, it's all now bullshit and every local channel just looks the same--no flipping! (Bill Frost)

Return of Friday Letters Round-Up

• Oh, those chicken-little liberals, always panicking about the environment--everybody knows gay marriage is the real threat to humanity.

• So what if the girls get pregnant and the boys go homeless by age 14? That's better than growing up in some commie foster home.

• Tabiona High School is the yardstick against which all educational programs may be measured.

• I just made up a joke! If "global warming" is such a serious problem, then why is it so cold ouside? Hahahaha! Get it?

• I made up a joke, too! Get it?

• Why tax HMOs to fund health care when most of the time health care is being wasted on old, sick people who might die anyway?

Move Over, Lex de Azevedo!

[Imaginary Theater] Over at McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Ben Greenman's written the basis of a libretto for a show called Polygamy! The Musical. Oh, how I would love to see it produced! (Unlike many attempted parodies of the current Texas unpleasantness, it even seems to grasp the differences between LDS monogamy, FLDS polygamy and crazy-ass Warren Jeffs child rape.)

All it would take, really, would be a commitment from Utah's theater community to stage 10 percent fewer productions of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat for one year, thus freeing up resources to workshop Polygamy!

Yes, it would be a sacrifice—but isn't it worth it to give new talent a break? (Brandon Burt)

That Kind Kabul Chronic

[War: What Is It Good For?] What the hell is happening over there in Afghanistan? Didn't PNAC tell us that Middle Eastern men are all bloodthirsty, puritanical fanatics? That's what I heard when they sent U.S. soldiers to wage a hellish war against, apparently, an entire subcontinent (and, oh, simultaneously against "drugs" and "terror.")

Apparently, our Afghani allies aren't bloodthirsty enough when it comes to fighting Taliban fuckheads. They're having the Summer of Love over there, to the supreme exasperation of this Coalition of the Willing member. (Brandon Burt)

House Party

Co-star of House Party, that is. Christopher "Kid" Reid will hit SLC on May 3 to perform stand-up comedy with Latin King of Comedy Joey Medina and Luenell. This is quite a treat for anyone nostalgic for the 90s. Spandex body suits anyone? Check these fresh dance moves:

And who could forget Reid's role in the film's spin-off cartoon series? Not this girl


(Jamie Gadette)

Was ToddlerSwipe.com Taken?

[Dumb Domains] Just received a press release about a new website that offers online deals for moms, set up by "local Internet marketing professionals." It's called ... BabySteals.com.

Now, I'm no Internet marketing professional, but doesn't this sound like a gathering site for baby-crazed kidnappers and/or black-market toddler peddlers? Just sayin' ... (Bill Frost)

Busy Birds

[Bird Love] The peregrine falcons are back and nesting happily in a box on the northeast corner of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building on Main Street and South Temple.

State avian experts expect a hatch in three to four weeks, according to The Salt Lake Tribune. The female is sitting on four eggs.

Which prompted my morning coffee companion and partner in reading the daily papers to say:
"Well, [the falcons] live at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. They always have big families."

You can watch the birds do their brooding/birthing thing in real time by going here.
(Holly Mullen)

Optimistic Fools

Everyone has a few guilty pleasures. One of mine happens to be trade shows. I love nothing more than milling about a vast exhibit hall, stuffing a canvas bag full of coupons, brochures, business cards and pens. It’s like Halloween for grown-ups—because in addition to useless paper products, there’s lots of candy dropped in your bag.

To that end, I slipped away from the office today to bob like a bubble in a stream around the aisles of the Salt Lake Chamber Business to Business Expo at the Salt Palace.

First of all, might I exclaim, what ever happened to the Salt Palace? I used to know my way around that joint but man, it’s become huuuugggge. The expansion we’ve heard about for the past few years is for real—you could practically run a marathon from one end to the other.

Secondly, might I ask, who wants to be found out for their guilty pleasures? At past B2B Expos, I could move around the room anonymously with a handwritten nametag, gather my info, enjoy some delicious food and drink and leave without incident.

However, this year, they got my number. Literally. The registration booth scanned my business card which fed information into a name-badge-printing machine. Presto-chango, I had a professional name badge.

But the chamber also has the goods on me, which they’ll probably sell to the 250 vendors who paid at least $875 per booth to attend. One business even scanned my business card before I dropped it into a bucket for a door prize.

Yes, I said door prize. Another guilty pleasure. Despite what I know about odds and my awareness of how businesses generate leads at trade shows, I still can’t resist trying for a free set of steak knives or an overnight hotel stay.

In the end, I guess that’s what trade shows are, an orgy of optimism. It’s the chutzpah of one business to rent a booth; staff it with shiny happy people; buy enough candy and banners to lure in a few of the 4,000 attendees; and brag about what it can sell you. And it’s the curious, open-to-possibilities mindset of attendees like me. I’m not really shopping for a new investment firm or a water-cooler service. But who knows, maybe someday I’ll will be.

In the meantime, I just hope I win that gift basket filled with Western Nut’s world-famous peanut brittle. (Jerre Wroble)

Wilco and ... Al Green Are Coming!!

Not together, but that would be cool. Red Butte Garden leaked its annual summer concert series schedule today. Here's a complete list of performers:

July 11
Jazz at Lincoln Center Orchestra with Wynton Marsalis

July 15
Jonny Lang, Dusty Rhodes and the River Band
(Dusty is also playing Urban Lounge May 5)

July 20
Emmylou Harris, Jimmy Gaudreau & Moondi Klein

July 22
Derek Trucks & Susan Tedeschi-Soul Stew Revival, Scrapomatic

July 30
Los Lonely Boys & Los Lobos

August 10
Alejandro Escovedo & Greg Brown

August 18
Wilco

August 19
A Prairie Home Companion: The Rhubarb Tour with Garrison Keillor

August 20
KT Tunstall

August 26
Bonnie Raitt, Richard Julian

September 3
Al Green

September 11
G. Love & Special Sauce, John Butler Trio

Here's Wilco doing one of my favorites:


(Jamie Gadette)

White Band is Coming

[Art] Nothing beats ugly spring weather better than checking out some fine artsy photos of much warmer climes. So if yer strolling downtown be sure to stop by Saans studio on 173 East Broadway, to check out White Band is Coming: Images of India.

Put on by local SLC photographer M Bryan Thompson (also the owner of Saans) the images are simple shots of the diverse community that make up the vast population of India. The free exhibit should be enough certainly to instill a little bit of that rambling spirit into anyone who checks it out, and if nothing else, cheer up a rainy afternoon. The exhibit will be running from now until May 13 so go check it out. (Eric S. Peterson)

Panchen Lama Candelight Vigil

Join the Utah Tibetan Community tomorrow evening to commemorate the 19th birthday of Panchem Lama, one of the world's youngest political prisoner. In case you've been asleep or just busy with your Wii and American Idol playoffs, the Chinese government has a pretty sketchy track record. It should come as no surprise then that Lama was kidnapped at age six and held in captivity by the Chinese government which admitted to doing so. Concerned Utah residents will gather to pray for Lama's safety and raise awareness of his disappearance:

Friday, April 25
City & County Building
451 S. State, SLC
7 p.m.
FreePanchenLama.org

(Jamie Gadette)

Confronting Cruelty

This weekend's Confronting Cruelty Conference didn't make it into the print edition of our paper, so here's hoping a few animal-loving locals out there will read this and attend the three-day event. Scheduled speakers include Brian Barnard, a Salt Lake City lawyer who fights for equal human and animal rights, Faith Ching (of Ching Animal Rescue), and former political prisoner/convicted "terrorist" Peter Young. This is a great opportunity for the public to learn how individuals can stop animal cruelty, from small steps like buying cruelty-free shampoo to bigger changes like adopting a vegetarian or vegan diet and perhaps protesting animal testing, etc.

(Jamie Gadette)

Saul Williams: Oh, That's Why I Love Music

I’ve always thought that if this writing gig didn’t work out, I could at least fall back on my drumming skills.

Last night, those aspirations were dashed across the floor of Kilby Court, along with the rest of my being. Poor Lance is probably still there cleaning up the pieces of me that were blown away by Saul Williams’ performance.

My musicianship-doubts began to form even before Williams took the stage. The three-piece backing band/programmers took the stage in full war-paint, head-feathered glory, led by New York producer/sequencer extraordinaire CX Kidtronik. From the moment the mohawk’d Kidtronik threw down, I knew I wanted to go home and trade in my drum set for an arsenal of drum machines, sequencers and synthesizers.

Following tribal-suit, Williams took the stage decked in full warlord attire. Proving himself equal parts eloquent and abrasive, he launched into an industrial/dance heavy set, littered with moments of thoughtful slam poetry. Even kids decked out in bondage gear couldn’t help dancing to the thick assault of NIN-influenced material off his newest album (apparently, they didn’t get the message that Trent wasn’t going to make an appearance, despite producing the album).

“I like small places like this,” said Williams of the tightly-packed Kilby. “It’s less of a show and more of a ritual.”

Every now and then, you go to a show that reminds you why you love music – listening to it, writing about it, playing it ­– and it all comes down to honesty. Sure, there was enough energy in the tiny space to power a city skyline, but Williams’ love for his audience was so thick it was tangible. From his heartfelt cries against racial injustice to letting the crowd embrace him, there was a real connection – something rare during most live performances. But at the same time, there was no air of pretentious self-righteousness (thanks partly to Kidtronik’s amazing dancing/shenanigans). And it rocked.

After the closer – the well-deserved hit “List of Demands”… try to listen to it without getting it stuck in your head – the encore consisted of an original from Kidtronik (which Williams introduced as “this song is… uh… absurd”). The DJ/producer threw on a skull mask and went wild on the crowd with an assaulting techno/hardcore song and even crowd surfed… at Kilby! Did I mention his album is titled Krack Attack?

The last song, a re-imagining of U2’s “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” made the crowd a little more comfortable after Kidtronik’s spectacle, but I always thought covers were a big no-no at Kilby.

(Ryan Bradford. Photos courtesy of Dave Madden/Nonnon)

"無"

[Here and Now - UofU]






無... or "Mu" is difficult, if not impossible, to translate into English. It's part of an illogical Zen riddle, or koan and essentially means "non-" or "nothingness."

University of Utah student, Arwen Ek, whom you might remember being arrested for performing in the street a few years ago, certainly has a formidable challenge before her: To translate MU into an embodied response to the koan.

The preview performance she gave last night was magnificent. Incorporating video, music and three forms of Japanese theater - Noh, Kabuki and Butoh - Arwen underwent a horrific transformation, de-constructing and rebuilding the nature of woman, only to re-emerge as MU itself.

So, if you're seeking for something to add to your weekend of Japanese culture (you ARE going to the Japanese festival this Saturday, riiiight? *nudge nudge*), "MU" will certainly answer that riddle.


MU Performance artist Arwen Ek combines movement, music, theater, visual art and theoretical physics. Studio 115, U of U Performing Arts Building, 240 S. 1500 East, 581-7100, April 24-26, 7:30 p.m. Tickets: $9/person, $7 for UofU faculty, $5 for students (with ID).
*Not suitable for audiences under 14*

(SLC Random Team)

The Weekly Poll: Utah Pizza

[Survey Fun] Last week, we posted the first Weekly Poll on SLWeekly.com, asking if community radio listeners would be more inclined to stick with KRCL 90.9 FM as it tweaks its format, or make the Internet switch to new online offshoot UtahFM.org. KRCL narrowly won, while UtahFM came in second and the option of enjoying both brought up third. Only a couple of pollers preferred commercial radio, thankfully.

This week, the Weekly Poll is linked to Ted Scheffler's Dining column about fine Utah pizza: Can it be found locally, as the Tedster asserts, or is Zion pie a lost cause? And by Zion pie, we mean pizza, sickos.

Take the Weekly Poll here.

(Bill Frost)

Me and My Beau

[Headline-ese] For some reason, this Salt Lake Tribune headline seems a bit, uh, light.

An (alleged) sociopath who (allegedly) asphyxiated his former girlfriend and (allegedly) stuffed her body in a crate inside the trunk of her car and (allegedly) kidnapped a 60-year-old mentally impaired woman in the process gets off being called an "ex-beau?"

Beau. I picture a guy in top hat, tails and spats. Someone who's all Fred Astaire, hoofing his way into Ginger Rogers' heart. Or what my Grandma Rose would have called a dandy. (Holly Mullen)

Huntsman makes liars out of CW

City Weekly poked Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr. in the eye this week for his inaction on a proposal to import Italian nuclear waste to Utah (See Hits & Misses). It turns out that as we went to press Junior was changing his mind.

EnergySolutions has asked to import 20,000 tons of dismantled Italian nuclear reactor parts, 1,600 tons of which are destined to be buried at EnergySolutions Tooele County landfill. Huntsman earlier took the position that, while he didn’t want the waste any more than the next guy, his hands were tied by an agreement he’d hammered out with ES last year.

That meant the waste was headed our way, since the federal government leaves decisions about radioactive waste up to states.

Today, Huntsman changed his mind, and asked a regional nuclear waste group—the Northwest Interstate Low-Level Waste Compact—to block the Italian imports. The compact regulates waste shipments inside the U.S.

The watchdog group HEAL Utah, longtime critic of EnergySolutions, praised Huntsman’s action in a press release:

"Governor Huntsman has pulled through for the people of Utah and lived up to his campaign pledge to prevent Utah from being the nation's—and now the world's—dumping ground," said Vanessa Pierce, Executive Director for the citizen advocacy group HEAL Utah. "Governor Huntsman's action today speaks volumes for his integrity, strength, and passion for protecting what we cherish about our state."

The group then goaded its favorite target:

"If EnergySolutions wants to pick a fight with our Governor, the people of Utah will be standing behind him every step of the way."

HEAL last week blasted the governor for not standing up to EnergySolutions.

Got to love politics. (Ted McDonough)

[Q] & A With Hippie Dad

[Kid Lit] Yes, OK, yes, sweetie. I hear what you're saying. But, relax, honey. It's just a plant!

[Q.]

A. Yes, I know what they told you in school.

[Q.]

A. No, I'm not saying you should ignore your teachers.

[Q.]

A. Well, because sometimes adults aren't always right, that's all. It's a crazy world out there, and ...

[Q.]

A. No, of course not, honey. Why would your mother and I rob a liquor store?

[Q.]

A. Of course we're not going to OD. That's silly.

[Q.]

A. When your mother and I ... ? Well, maybe just a little when we bought that green carpeting. I know the pattern gives you bad dreams ...

[Q.]

A. Now, pumpkin, put down the phone. I'm serious, put it down now. There's no need to call the police ... honey? Darlin'?

Jessica Ann Bradley, you put that phone down this second!

(Brandon Burt)

Say It Ain't So: LOLCats Sell Out!

[Net Culture] OK, so I'm a bit behind the curve on this one. People have been blogging about it for a month.

It's a contest. The winning photo/caption pair will appear on Jones Soda labels. Which will make them famous because, until now you could only see LOLCats in about 10 jillion places on the Internet.

Now, whenever you want to see an LOLCat, all you have to do is go to the grocery store, search around the refrigerated aisle, ask a clerk, find out the store doesn't carry off-brand soda, go to another store, and then stare at the refrigeration case for as long as you like! It's a new level of convenience!

By this we can hope that the three people in the United States who are still unfamiliar with LOLCats will now have the opportunity to enjoy them.

OK, if I sound bitter, it's because I like LOLCats. I know they can't last forever. But ... please, Jones Soda? Can't you find some other anti-hip trend to cash in on?

Sooner or later, I suppose every creative meme gets crushed out by some corporate leech or other. Why, why must corporations "brand" themselves by sucking our very dreams out of our heads!?! Our souls are lost so that bottles of carbonated sugar water can cultivate the illusion of having personalities. (Brandon Burt)

KSL...Huh?

[TV and Nasty Stuff] OK. We're sitting here watching TV. Tonight, in prime time (7:30 to 9), KSL is running Saturday Night Live: A Tribute to Chris Farley.

So far, we've laughed at the late Farley and Adam Sandler in one of the classic send-up commercials, advertising "Schmitt's Gay Beer," with hot gay guys romping in a swimming pool with Sandler and Farley. And now, there's a great skit with the ample Farley and a young Patrick Swayze, doing a bump and grind audition to become Chippendales Dancers. Oh, and now Farley, David Spade and Sandler are dressed in '50s-era drag and sharing french fries in a malt shop.

Yeah, we saw it all years ago. It holds up nicely.

And still, KSL won't show Saturday Night Live in its current incarnation. For that, you have to (for years now) go to the CW, on Saturdays at 10:30 p.m.

Because, as KSL maintains, it's all about holding the line on morality for its viewing audience.

BTW, KSL--did we mention Farley died of a drug overdose? (Holly Mullen)

Beat the Blues

[NBA Playoffs] The Utah Jazz play Thursday night at home against Houston in game three of their playoff series.

Will point guard/god Deron Williams get past his poor, bruised butt and play at 100 percent? Pity those poor Rockets if he does--he played hurt the first two games, after all. Can Kyle Korver sink another of those buzzer-beater 3-pointers? Will Andre Kirilenko stay happy?

These are the important questions. But something else I've gotta ask: Can someone in the Larry Miller organization please, please do something about those awful powder-blue t-shirts Jazz fans found on their seats in the Energy Solutions Arena last year and wore during the series against Golden State? Blecch! Pale blue is just that: Pale. Awful on TV. It has no hope of standing out on camera, and face it--the pasty Nordic types that make up 80 percent of the Jazz fan base look even more washed out when wearing it.

Hey look. The Utah Jazz is already fighting for cred among NBA writers and broadcasters, who rarely mention even one of the players in any title-chasing context. They'd rather salivate over Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett and Chris Paul. Except for Charles Barkley. Now that man knows the Jazz has mettle.

To recap: If we could simply lose the powder blue, all would be right in the playoff world. Don't you think? (Holly Mullen)

No (Pre) Show

[Music] How is it that Jucifer, one of my favorite bands/forces of nature, is playing in Salt Lake City tomorrow night and I'm just hearing about it today? Way to promo, Broken Todd's and/or Relapse Records.

The two-piece Athens band (Amber & Edgar Livengood--the Satanic flipside to Jack & Meg White) have released a new album, L'Autrichienne, which we also didn't receive; let's just say it's great. But, even if you do have a copy, live Jucifer is unrecognizable from recorded Jucifer, anyway: Onstage, it's all about volume, volume, volume! Amps to the ceiling, all cranked to 11, feel the thud. It's a show where earplugs and a helmet are recommended.

Jucifer plays the Broken Record Bar & Grill (1051 S. 300 West) Wednesday April 23, guessing 'round 11 p.m. Even if you don't go, you'll probably be able to hear it from wherever you are. Here's a video taste; imagine it 86 times louder:


(Bill Frost)

No Show

[Music] So apparently Yeasayer didn't play as scheduled last night at In the Venue. According to one anonymous user, club officials failed to inform the public ahead of time that the band would not be appearing. This is all news to me. Does anyone know why the group didn't show? Anyone care to share their experience at the club? (Jamie Gadette)

Dead Zephyr: Week 232

Oooh, So Salacious

[Media] Oh, how I love to see the words "salacious," "Mayor Ralph Becker" and City Weekly all together in one letter to the editor.

And a tip of the Salt Blog hat to Salt Lake City letter writer Meredith Shaw, who clearly has adopted the Utah art form of passive-aggressive communication. Is she handing our paper a compliment? A criticism? Both at once? Who knows. The nature of too much discourse in Utah is that you never quite know where a person is coming from.

Oh well. Any pub is good pub.

Anyway, here at our little paper we'll continue to keep an eye on the Becker administration. We figure the new mayor, with nearly four months of work under his belt has long passed the obligatory Honeymoon Period. If press scrutiny of elected officials counts as "even salacious," we're guilty as charged.

BTW, no one does salacious better than competing New York tabloids the Daily News and New York Post, top right. Now those are headlines! (Holly Mullen)

The Passion of the McCain

[Video Game Arts]The University of Utah this Wednesday April 23 from 3:30-5:00 in the OSH Read auditorium will be holding its second annual machinema festival. What is machinema you ask? Well the U's press release says it's "machine cinema" where designers use video game style animations to create movies. Think of Grand Theft Auto style movie clips (except for that 'hot coffee' one, yer not gonna see that at this festival).

But the showcase will be showing a lot of cool video game style short movies at the festival and for free, the press release has a list of various U machinema movies here. And below is my favorite, "The Passion of the McCain" a poignant look at some behind the scenes love on the campaign trail that truly crosses the divide. (Eric S. Peterson)

Gull Trouble

[Theater Review] I had high hopes for Pinnacle Acting Company’s production of Chekhov's The Seagull. It is a great script, and I have been impressed by PAC’s work in the past (though I was unable to express my opinion to the public at the time, due to a confluence of human error and technical trouble).

The previous PAC production I saw (Someone Who'll Watch Over Me) did an excellent job of turning the constraints inherent in a fledgling company--mostly low budget and limited space--into advantages, as the bare stage and intimate environment served to highlight the tremendous talent of the three actors on stage. It was a remarkable piece of work, and it has bothered me ever since that I was unable to say so.

With their current production, however, they have neglected their strengths. It suffers from over-reach. By making do with cheesy sets and some sub-par performers, PAC does a disservice to the work.

Not that it was all bad, mind you. Some key players--notably Alexandra Harbold as Arkandina and Jared Larkin as her tortured artist son, Treplyev--were strong throughout. Others, like Morgan Long as Nina and Rob Luckau as Trigorin, did well in key scenes, but were otherwise unfocussed.

Yet I still look forward to another small piece from PAC’s core group. If the company can get on its feet with a few productions of more limited scale, I have no doubt that it’ll be up to bigger challenges soon enough. (Rob Tennant)

R U Bitter?

[Definitive Diatribe] In today's best daily newspaper commentary, syndicated columnist Robyn Blumner nails it. (Holly Mullen)

Short Skirts & Hot Wheels

[Roller Derby] The Salt City Derby Girls kicked off their 2008 roller derby season Saturday at the Utah Olympic Oval in front of 800-900 fans, clearly divided into red (for the Leave It To Cleavers) and green (for the 2007 SCDG champion Bomber Babes) factions. The Cleavers fans brought weaponry, while there was a lone cowbell on the Bombers' side--not exactly a fair matchup.

Went the other way on the track, however: The Bomber Babes dominated the bout for both 30-minute periods, led by in the superhuman jamming/scoring of NOS; the Leave It To Cleavers, skating with at least half new members (aka "fresh meat"), kept up best they could and got in some of the most brutal defensive hits (via blocker Miss Disco Bliss).

Final score: Bombers 144, Cleavers 89. Next bout: Saturday May 24 (Sisters of No Mercy vs. Death Dealers; tickets available through SLCDerby.com and SmithsTix.com. Please to enjoy these bout pix by Mark Alston:




(Bill Frost)

Torching it (Part II)

[Counter Protests] So somebody with a good eye spotted that the Global Human Rights Torch Relay will be this Sunday April 20, not that Saturday as I mentioned in the other blog. However Saturday will not be without its demonstrations.

In fact this Saturday April 20 at Library Square from 10 am to 2 pm, there will be a a Pro-Chinese Olympics demonstration from 10. The group will rally together with a number of Chinese student associations from the BYU, the U and others as well as numerous other Chinese Community organizations. These groups want to counter what they see as distorted accounts of China's reactions to the protests in Tibet.

The press release contends:

"We believe that the general public deserves to know the truth in its undistorted form. We respect the rights of peaceful expression of different views, but we condemn the plotted disruptions of the World Olympics and public orders.

We believe that the World Olympics belongs to the people of the entire world. It is an event where people of different nations, different ethnics, different religious backgrounds, and different societal systems meet in peace. It is an event where peace, mutual understanding, mutual respect, and friendship are fostered."

So if anyone is interested in getting thoroughly schooled in regards to the Olympics controversy you can attend both events which are located at nearly the same locations and in one weekend become more educated, and more globally active right here in the old SLC. (Eric S. Peterson)

Make Air Not War

The 2008 US Air Guitar Championships will make an appearance in Utah this summer! For those of you that think this is just a trend, the event has been going strong since 2003! Last year marked its strongest turnout, with 14 cities playing host to the dramatic onstage antics of air guitar heroes. No instruments will be harmed (or involved) in the performance scheduled to hit Avalon on June 20. Here's a taste of what's to come:

(Jamie Gadette)

The Senatorial Scene

[Hatchography] Sen. Orrin Hatch is so excited about John McCain's presidential bid, he was moved to compose a love song titled "Together Forever." (Apparently, Chris Matthews was quite enamored with it; The Trib broke the story late Thursday evening.)

I especially like the "destiny / history / majesty / all to see" rhymes. Very masculine.

While it's unclear in what sense Hatch "wrote" the song (dual credit goes to Philip Springer, who is most known for having cashed countless royalty checks over the past 50 years for the vaguely dirty Christmas favorite "Santa Baby"), the lyrics seem to have the soaring grandeur that Hatch is known for. How many states can boast such a multitalented statesman?

A McCain spokesman was suitably wowed: "We'll see Barack Obama's Bruce Springsteen endorsement and raise them an Orrin Hatch." Yeah, take that, Springsteen!

Something about the title, though ... wasn't it ... oh, yeah! Orrin, you got Rick-Rolled! (Brandon Burt)

Torching It!

[Protests] A peaceful march and human rights rally going on this weekend may be Utahns best chance to vent some frustration at the upcoming Beijing Olympics. With more and more news of egregious human rights violations stacking up against this summer's host of the 2008 Olympics, from arming genocidal rebels in Darfur to the iron-handed crackdown in Tibet, this weekend you can share outrage with community activists throwing their voice into a very loud chorus of people fed up with the actions of the Chinese government.

The Global Human Rights Torch relay event will start with a peaceful march this Sunday April 20 at 10:00 am at Washington Square (right by the county building at 451 South State). The march will be followed by guest speakers including Tswan Renzing, President of the Utah Tibetan Association, as well as a former falun gong prisoner of conscience and our own beloved activist, former Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson.

China may be the other side of the world as far as most Utahns might think but if you show up to the event Saturday some people will tell you why some things, even oceans away, can still hit pretty close to home. (Eric S. Peterson)

Those Other Polygamists

[Plyg-busters] The pro-Christian-polygamy folks over at TruthBearer.org are quick to point out that they have nothing, nothing to do with the FLDS plygs in El Dorado.

Mostly the TruthBearers object to the fact that the FLDS are kinda Mormony, whereas the TruthBearers advocate nothin' but that old-time Bible-based Christian polygyny. So much more sensible.

You'd think there'd be a hint of solidarity among religious polygamists. Mark Henkel, who is TruthBearer.org, takes an identity-politics approach to polygamy, saying that it will be the next big civil-rights battle. So you'd think he'd understand at least the political utility of coalition-building.

(Yes, many cringe at the alphabet soup of the "LGBTMNOPQ* community" but there is a reason all the Ls and the Bs and the Gs and the Qs and the Ts, etc., have decided to band together rather than trying to go it alone. It's because they share a common goal of achieving equal protection under the law, which is a political goal requiring expediency.)

But, no, as always with wacky Christians, their beliefs get in the way of their brains. It's typical for fundie Christians to denigrate Mormons (and Mormon-esque folks like the FLDS) for believing weird things.

Because, you know, that story about a god-man born to a virgin, who walked on water and got murdered but was raised from the dead before he flew up into the sky? And it's literally true? Soooo much more believable that that craaaazy tale about the American kid who met God in the forest.

Keep making those microdistinctions, TruthBearer.org--then keep wondering why Americans can't seem to get the message that there might, just possibly, be a religious basis for polygamy. (Brandon Burt)

Sticks, Bricks, Stones

[Best Reader Comment] The Deseret News' coverage of the first couple to sign up for Salt Lake City's mutual commitment registry elicited the predictable wave of wacky and rabid anti-gay responses.

My own favorite, from Lost in DC:

12:40 p.m. Apr. 17, 2008

The slope is getting more slippery. A torn tent provides shelter, a sturdy brick home provides shelter. Which provides better shelter? Call any combination a you want a "marriage", the traditional one man, one woman marriage is still and will always be the best, just as a sturdy brick house provides better shelter than a torn tent.

Myself, I prefer stucco. With a nice wrap-around porch. (Holly Mullen)

World Ends; Collapse of Marriage Imminent

[The Gays] Well, Brandie Balken and Lisa LeDuc have gone and done it. They're hitched now--at least as hitched as it is possible for same-sex couples to get in Salt Lake City.

The two became the first couple to sign up for Salt Lake City's "I Can't Believe It's Not a Domestic Partner Registry" registry, thus dooming us all to hellfire and incurring the inevitable wrath of idiots, mostly from out of town, who think it's their business to meddle in Balken-LeDuc family matters.

In all seriousness, though, it couldn't happen to a nicer couple. Brandie Balken is one of my favorite people in Salt Lake City; she's talented, friendly and just lovely on so many levels. (Mwa, Brandie!) Plus, she has cool initials.

So, congratulations to Brandie and Lisa, and as for the homophobic idiots--in your face, homophobic idiots! (Brandon Burt)

The Slow Death of Prog

[Music] The reason people hate 24-minute prog rock masterpieces isn't just because people suck, have no attention span, and deserve lives filled with empty, meaningless, brain-dead pop noise.

No. The reason people hate 24-minute prog-rock masterpieces is because of Science.

In a recent Morning News piece, Joshua Allen reveals scientists have discovered the perfect length for a pop song. It's two minutes, 42 seconds.

A difference of even one or two seconds may turn your perfectly catchy "Lovely Rita" (2:42) into a drag-ass "With a Little Help From My Friends" (2:44) or a hurried and underdeveloped "Good Morning Good Morning" (2:41).

Don't let this happen to your song! It's verse, verse, bridge, verse and fade out. None of this fancy leitmotif bullshit; no subtle shading or complex development and variation of thematic materials. Your listeners are busy people on the go, and if you can't give them their payoff in less than three minutes, they will go ... to some other band's CD release party. (Brandon Burt)

Popegasm 2008

[News] Of all the news (over)coverage of Pope Benedict XVI's visit to the US of A, only The Daily Show's is really necessary; allow us to simplify your media life with the clip below. Also, note President Dubya's eloquent assessment of Benedict's "awesome" speech and rejoice in Utah's continued approval of the Commander in Chief:



(Bill Frost)

OMG! U Can B in HSM3!

It's the Utah-filmed phenomenon that keeps on giving--and now it's giving to a local school. Rowland Hall-St. Mark's, partnering with the SLC Film Center, will be auctioning off eight opportunities to appear as an extra in the soon-to-be-shot High School Musical 3: Senior Year, in addition to other personalized and autographed gear related to the film. The link goes live tomorrow (April 18) from the Rowland Hall-St. Mark's Website, with the auction running through Friday, April 25. Funds raised will support both the school and the SLC Film Center, and you might get to snuggle up to Zac, Vanessa or Corbin. Or see them from a distance at the craft services table, same diff. (Scott Renshaw)

Bioterrorists Beware!

54-year-old Tom Tholen will be facing federal charges April 29 for "misprision of felony" which means he failed to report a crime. The crime is related to the activities of the wanna-be bio- terrorist Roger Bergendorff. A man who last February had been playing around with creating the toxic substance ricin and accidentally exposed himself to the chemical and wound up hospitalized in a comatose state for four weeks.

The bare facts of the story gave everybody goosebumps and warranted the mobilization of countless federal agents from Homeland Security to the FBI to scour the mans Vegas strip hotel as well as the site of his Riverton storage unit, looked after by his cousin Tholen.

In the end what was discovered is that this miscreant turned out to be an out of work, formerly alcoholic graphic design artist. His apartment at the time was only shared by a few cats (who may soon be charged with conspiracy).

Although Tholen alerted authorities to the whole incident when he reported vials of what may have been ricin to the motel clerk, Tholen has apparently not cooperated enough and is now going to trial because of it.

Undoubtedly the Bergendorff character was unstable and even possibly dangerous (if even only to himself) but the fact that his cousin Tholen is being brought up on charges of failing to report his cousin's "suspicious" activities years ago, smacks of a costly multi-departmental, multi-agency investigation clamoring to harvest some fruits from a very costly investigation.

Nothing wrong with being prepared for bio-terrorism, of course, but overemphasizing the spectre of the fear-inspiring bug--whether it's ricin, anthrax or whatever doesn't serve our country's interest. It's easy to forget that our worst terrorist attack was not committed by chemicals, or even bombs, so much as it was simply men with fake IDs and box cutters. (Eric S. Peterson)

Uh, Where Are All the Men?

[Plyg-busters] It's day 14 since Texas authorities raided the YFZ Ranch in Eldorado, taking 400-plus children of polygamist parents in the process.

Tomorrow, a custody hearing unprecedented in its scope will take place in nearby San Angelo to determine whether any or all the kids should enter foster care while the state continues its investigation into child abuse allegations.

And in all the reams of news stories, miles of broadcast video and blog postings on the topic, I've wondered all along: Where are the men?

If everything is so spit-polished clean and safe at the YFZ, if women (scary Stepford Wives that they are on camera) are free to come and go as they please, if the children live in wholesome goodness, if all of this is true--where are the men to say so?

Real men who have nothing to hide would defend their women, protect their children and stand up for themselves. But they don't. What kind of man would pimp his wife/wives in the way these polygamists have for the international news media, and not absorb at least some of the scrutiny themselves? Must be some kind of special priesthood that allows these big men to hide so expertly behind their women. (Holly Mullen)

Do You Like Doin' It?

So do we ... Doin' It at the Park, that is. The annual all-ages outdoor event hosted by Uprok Records has been going strong for three years now, attracting all walks of life who dig a little sun with their emcees, DJs, breakdancing and beatboxing battles. Turns out, however, not everyone is a fan. Uprok recently learned that the health department denies its application for Doin' It 2008 style, citing rampant noise complaints. Strange, considering the drum circle is still going strong. Apparently that kind of noise is kosher. Officials did offer to let Uprok move Doin' It adjacent to the circle, with no shelter or proper dance floor. Right, that's a great solution. This news comes just weeks after Red Light Books was ordered to shut down its all-ages music venue, a ruling that drummed up bad memories of Kayo's final concert throwing days. What's up Salt Lake City "deciders"? What next? You're sending the wrong message to kids searching for a healthy, peaceful outlet. Some of my best, most constructive years as a teenager took place at all-ages venues. If anyone cares to save Doin' It, contact Uprok to see if there's anything you can do to help reverse the decision--or maybe find another location for the festivities.

(Jamie Gadette)

Dead Zephyr: Week 231

Bush Cozies Up to Pope

[Random's Humor] It would seem that the Northwest/Delta monstrosity isn't the only merger afoot. If pictures are worth a thousand words, well, this image seen on ABC News' website today gives "War and Peace" a run for it's money when it comes to word-count.


Maybe I'm just one of those panicky conspiracy-theorist types, but I'm not too keen on what seems to be going on here.

Cut to: White House Outdoors - Daytime
Scene: The Pope (Der Papst, if sprechen the Deutch), just lands on the West Lawn in a black helicopter. Like spilling out from an over-stuffed clown car, 16 armed "Agents" leap out of the chopper's opening, forming two parallel lines extending outward.
(Playing: Imperial March)

Der Papst: You have done well, Darth Bush. The Rebels are losing morale. Now is the time to strike.

Well... you could read the article I've linked above and fill in the blanks, or just trust me.

(David Alder)

Robot Chariots Of Fire!!!

The future is now, folks. Actually, it's on Thursday, April 17.

University of Utah's annual Design Day is upon us. During the event, sponsored by the Department of Mechanical Engineering, robots will race chariots and carry eggs! Oh, and human students will display some stuff that they made. But more importantly, the Robots Will Race!

If that weren't enough: "As always, stuffed toy cougars – the mascot of University of Utah rival Brigham Young University – will be hurled as far as possible by enthusiastic junior high school students."

Ha! Somebody please attend and report back.

(Jamie Gadette)

Mergerpalooza

News has hit the wire that Delta has become assimilated by Northwest Airlines as part of a $17 billion merger deal, creating the largest airline in the country. Anxious locals can now breath a sigh of relief knowing now that our hub won't disappear only to leave us trapped in Zion forever.

However, the larger implications ought to be troubling. In the last eight years of the dubya regime the pro-business, anti-regulation environment has spawned its own fair share of catastrophic blunders, from Crandall canyon to the head of FEMA being a former pony judge during one of our country's worst ever natural disasters. But the one which we might not really feel until well after Bush has left is how the environment for airline monopolies will affect flights' services and costs.

Certainly no one in Utah is upset that we've not lost Delta, but the flipside to keeping the hub with the ensuing Delta/Northwest merge, looks as if it might now be setting off a mergers domino effect. According to this article, Continental and United are now looking into a merger in order to compete against the new Delta/Northwest juggernaut.

Air line consolidation now seems to be a matter of survival during our times' current economic troubles, and this administration certainly won't object to such monopolies appearing, especially given the circumstances. It's just a wonder how fewer independents and more combines will affect your flight quality to come... I predict turbulence (Eric S. Peterson).

Are you a good parody or a bad parody?

[Geeks With Cameras] OK, I've decided I'm going to give this video a thumbs-up. After all, it is the U, and it is for cancer. And nobody wants to piss off cancer.

However, much more than the video I enjoyed the comments of the hot tipper who sent me the link: "At least the queer and queer-wannabe geeks who always wanted to try out for the drill team but were too afraid have somewhere to be themselves, before the end comes, which hopefully won't take too long." (Brandon Burt)

Why Sound

You might already know about this, but I just stumbled across a new (?) all-ages music venue in Logan. Why Sound is located on 30 Federal Avenue. Its current lineup features Utah-based artists including Phil Leffer (formerly of St. Boheme--remember those dudes?), Libbie Linton, Kid Theodore and Emme Packer. Brooklyn's Blood On The Wall hits the club April 26. If anyone gets out there before I do, holla.

(Jamie Gadette)

They Still Make Newspapers?

[TV] Hard to believe a docu-soap set behind the scenes of a high school newspaper--Cyprus Bay High School’s The Circuit, in this case--would be remotely interesting, but The Paper wins entertainment points for hyper-earnestness (“Journalism is the most important job in the world!”) and WTF? hyperbole (“This is the Vietnam of newspapers!”). The latter refers to the epic, tearful battle to become The Circuit’s editor-in-chief, a job these teens should later learn, if the newspaper industry still exists by then, no one wants. Super-serious.

The Paper debuts tonight on MTV, and it's exactly the way things are behind the scenes at City Weekly--here's a taste:



(Bill Frost)

Still Ain't Equal But Still Causing Trouble

While the last legislative session may have quietly swept Rep. Christine Johnson's (D-Salt Lake) employment-nondiscrimination for the LGBT into the interim, Utah's queer and trans community are still taking the fight to the next level. Ariana Losco, who was the subject of City Weekly's Jan. 24 cover has had her story of employment equality struggles taken to the national LGBT issues mag Advocate.com. Check out the follow-up here.

Hopefully we'll see the dialogue continue to open up on this issue through the interim and onto '09.(Eric S. Peterson)

Local Band to Watch: The Devil Whale

I drove up to Provo on Saturday, my first visit to the Utah County town in years. That's right. I'm coming clean: it was my first time at Velour, Corey Fox's awesome all-ages venue which always books great touring acts and local bands on a routine basis. And while it certainly takes more energy to get there than does a trip to my neighborhood stomping grounds it's definitely worth the drive.

It's another world out there, in many respects. One: the main drag is actually "walkable," a quality that SLC planners strive for but only achieve in fits and starts thanks to zoning restrictions and SUV-drivin' policy makers. Two: a show at Velour is not just an excuse to go out--it is an Event! We showed up at 7:30 p.m. (obligatory disclosure: my boyfriend Charlie recently joined Band of Annuals who opened for The Devil Whale along with Seattle's Matt Hopper--he is playing tonight at W Lounge and again on Friday at Slowtrain as part of Gallery Stroll) and people were already lined up outside waiting for doors to open at 8:30 p.m. We waited in a back room reminscent of my high school bedroom and dorm room, a dimly lit space with walls covered floor to ceiling in retro record covers.

Matt Hopper went first and played to a packed audience, a relatively unheard of treat in SLC where people accustomed to downtown bar time often miss the opening act. By the time BOA went on, the crowd was rowdy--and most of them were sober! It's been a while since I witnessed concert-goers going ga-ga for a local band, singing along to every word and--some--downright salivating over the pedal-steel player. We had to leave before The Devil Whale performed to get to Urban Lounge for Why? (who packed in more than 350! people) and Ted Dancin', but I found footage from the Velour show. The band's maiden voyage (promoting their stunning new release Like Paraders) featured Seattle-based musicians who played on the record and who made the long 14-hour trip down to back their Utah comrades. Producer Shawn Simmons was also on hand. Check out his roster online.

The Devil Whale plays a second CD release show at Kilby Court on Saturday. Here's a taste of what you'll hear/see:


(Jamie Gadette)

New World Odor

[Music] Strobe lights can make anything seem more exciting than it might actually be. Like the Ministry concert at In the Venue last Friday night--early evening, really, since showtime was 8 p.m. and cursed sunlight was bleeding in.

No amount of sun could detract from the strobes, though--those suckers were cranked for two solid hours while Al Jourgensen & Co. goose-stepped through the catalogue of Ministry hits. Al rarely strayed from his ornate cow-skull mic stand, which propped him up center-stage. While the boss was underplaying it, guitarist Tommy Victor (Prong) pranced and posed like a odd cross between Kiss' Paul Stanley and a WWE rassler, prompting the crowd to get those hands up every 10 seconds. He even got around to playing his guitar a couple of times, the multitasker.

Still, Ministry was absolutely on fire when they ripped into songs like "So What," "Thieves" and "Rio Grande Blood," the title track of what's arguably the band's last great album (The Last Sucker is well-named, and the new Cover Up is pure filler). All that hate for Dubya does a band good.

Reaching back to '91 and Bush 1, Fear Factory singer Burton Bell (fresh from hitting on ladies in the audience and pulling the "Don't You Know Who I Am?" card, by first-hand reports) took the lead on "New World Order" while Al strummed a coffin guitar to the side. It was another sonically brutal moment, of which there were enough to outweigh the phone-it-in feel of the newer numbers--Ministry has nothing to prove, but they did anyway.

But encoring with "Roadhouse Blues" and "Just Got Paid" from Cover Up? Dick move, Al. Not quite Dick Cheney, though ... (Bill Frost)

Bret Michaels Rocked My World

[Music-ish] For those of you that have so viciously killed your televisions, you may not be aware of VH1's Rock of Love. I have a theory that there is this island called Skanktopia, and that is where all the reality show hussies with one too many I’s or E’s in their names are patiently awaiting the day until they are plucked to drunkenly stumble around in front of millions of viewers in order to vie for the affection of someone. Anyone. Well, on Rock of Love, this someone is the bandana’d bandit, Bret Michaels, leader of hair metal band Poison.

The reality television show is one of few such programs to make me laugh with genuine hysteria. The best part about the show, is the perhaps unintentional humor. I can’t figure out if these people are real human beings, or if they were placed on this planet merely to amuse us obsessive TV viewers. I don’t have to hide out in my room shamefully watching it in the dark either! There are others that follow it every week and we either watch it together or discuss it the following day.

So when I heard that Bret Michaels was coming to Utah in all of his guy-linered glory to support his Rock of Love tour, it was on, as Jessica from the show would say, "like Donkey Kong." Also, I wanted to go and just see who genuinely wanted a piece of Bret.

Now where could we house such an amazing spectacle? Club 90 in Sandy of course! Hey-O! It’s just too bad that all of my tassled jackets and bandanas were in storage and my hair was too short to tease. No worries, I headed out there on Sunday, April 13, and prepared myself for some serious butt-rock.

There was a slight scheduling conflict. See, this was the season finale of Rock of Love, and Bret was to be playing on stage when the climatic episode aired. Fortunately, Club 90 had about 10 different sets airing Rock of Love when I walked in.

Club 90 is massive. At first when the television commercial I saw noting that this tour was coming threatened in a deep masculine voice that “THIS SHOW WILL SELL OUT” I laughed a bit. I stopped laughing when we arrived. There was one parking spot left in the very back, and everyone was at this show.

The people working the door, my adorable sweet waitress, and the bar staff there are to be commended. They were so nice and accommodating that this alone made my night. The concert goers had tunnel vision. They were there for Bret and nothing it seemed would stand in their way of viewing him on stage. I asked one gentleman if I could borrow his bar stool for a moment for some quick photos and he quickly obliged. He either didn’t hear me or just wanted to get me in trouble with Bret’s skank army, because before I knew it I was being glowered at by a girl who bruskly informed me that was Her Chair. I smiled and apologized, but the only thing I got in return was her pushing it under the table and dancing in front of it. Some people’s parents do not teach their kids to share, and I was not about to be the one to explain it to her so inched away.

Bret came onstage before a shoulder-sitting, lighter-holding, girly-screaming crowd absolutely wild for him. He gave us some “Sweet Home Alabama,” since it was the first CD he “borrowed” from Sears, “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door," "Look at What The Cat Dragged In," the ever so serenadeable “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and a little “Somethin’ To Believe In.”

Rock of Love was airing throughout Bret's set, and it was imperative for me to know who he picked at the end of the show. I moved into the pool room and listened to him rock out. The show wrapped as he finished his set (SPOILER ALERT: Ew, he picked Ambre. I would have lost a bet on this one). I wandered back into the main room hoping I might bask in Bret's presence and, maybe, snag a leg-humping photo op. Alas, he was nowhere to be found.

I did, however, spot something akin to a Yeti, though I was unable to get a photo: Bodyguard Big John. These boobs weren’t made for talkin’, so I silently squealed and made my way into the parking lot, knowing that when I go to bed tonight I can do so with visions of Bret and Big John dancing in my head. (Dominique LaJeunesse)

Get Stakerized: The Awkward Hour

City Weekly contributer Brian Staker has gone and got himself a podcast. It takes a lot of free time and energy to produce one of these things, so why not stop by and listen. Maybe offer a bit of feedback. Remember, keyword Awkward.

(Jamie Gadette)

Rock Of Interview

Did you hear the sound of glass being shattered on a hard surface on Tuesday? That ... was the sound of my heart breaking against a rock of love since Bret Michaels' media & marketing director is a Rock Tease. Michaels is appearing at Club 90 on Sunday, April 13 and I'd hoped to pick his massive brain. But the director didn't come through. Not a phone call back after three lengthy conversations. Just a wasted day off and a few sighs of sorrow erupting from my inversion-clogged lungs.

Luckily Conor Dow from the Foundation To Help Shattered Self Esteems When Interviews With Famous People That Are Way Busier and Way More Rich Than You intervened moments before I was fully awash with grief, and donated his services to collaborate with me on what an interview with the reality TV star would have been like. I would like to send thanks to Conor for his help on this project, which is about as real as Rock of Love:

Q: Do you believe that every time you play Every Rose Has Its Thorn a stripper earns her wings?

BM: Two things I am looking forward to in the future. Flying cars, and flying strippers.

Q: Your bandanas have captured the heart of America. Would you consider licensing them and then naming one after me because I thought of it first?

BM: Actually, while fighting Ed Hardy in the makeshift UFC ring he has in his backyard, he asked me the exact same thing. So we're striking up a deal to make Ed Hardy / Bret Michaels headbands

Q: When you get women on the show without eyebrows are you ever tempted to lick your finger and smudge them off?

BM: Absolutely not, you should see the imprinted eyebrow collection left behind on my stomach after a tryst or two.

Q: Can you rent out Big John [bodyguard] to me I need him for when the going gets tough and I don't feel like dealing with the going gets tough.

BM: Big John is a myth. He is a collective figment of a Reality TV watcher’s imagination.

Q: So the women on your show have to go through challenges to win a date with you. Have you considered maybe upping the ante? Maybe having the girls eat a camel spider or wrestle a grizzly bear to vie for your affection?

BM: For a while I tried to convince the producers to let me have them fight with hatchets. The idea started out actually as having them combat each other in a twisted game of wits, but the contestants on the show are usually... fresh out of wit. So hatchets was the logical choice after that. I figure why not dope two women up on PCP and make them go "My Side of the Mountain" on each other until there is only one standing?

Q: What is the difference between each of these things you say? "Hey-Yo!" "Hi-Yo!" and "Hay-Lo!"

BM: Hey-Yo is is an old German phrase that means "What's up, how's it going?" Hi-Yo is an old Japanese exclamation specifically to be used when a girl is taking her shirt of or dancing seductively on a bar or pole. Hay-Lo, well, I don't want to talk about it, it brings back bad memories.

Q: I have seen you kiss multiple skanks within seconds of each other, girls that are crying, and one directly after eating breakfast. Is there anything you gotta admit, that really kinda doesn't turn you on?

BM: Probably a camel spider wrestling a grizzly bear....actually...that kind of turns me on too. Nope nothing really doesn't not turn me on.

Q: Do you consider the stripper (er exotic dancer) couture that the women wear on the show as your first choice of how a lady should dress all of the time?

BM: Women...dress...different than that?

Q: When you get a female on your show who says she is in a band, and her band really sucks, do you have the nerve to tell her?

BM: I generally do, unless her band is Clay Aiken, because when he sings "Invisible", it takes me to a whole different plane of existence.

Q: Does your heart sink or swell when a girl after your heart tells you she is a dancer? Because we know she does not mean go-go dancer.

BM: My heart swells until they all tell me they don't know what "Troika" is. If only I could go back to the time when Poison was touring in Russia. I met a girl named Olga and she performed the Ðîññèéñêàÿ êîðçèíû ïëåòóò for me.

Q: Speaking of Daisy, would you have nothing to do with a girl that has hooked up with a former band mate, or will you still go after her groupied out soul?

BM: Well, I have this thing called the Big Bang Theory...

Q: What brand of guyliner do you wear? It doesn't run, and I think you should market that too, so the crying girls on the show can wear it.

BM: I am not at liberty to discuss the brand yet, it is still in development, but I can tell you the shade and that is Cry Tough. It will be a cryliner line that we are coming out with soon

Q: Will you fire your marketer please? I am better than her.

BM: I fully agree. You seem like the type of person that would actually call people back when you say you will. But you also seem like you have a soul, so I don't think marketing is for you.

Q: Women seem to be disturbingly attracted to you? Ever consider getting a pimp cane?

BM: Oh I have one. You don't see this, but on the cut footage of the show I smack the girls' shins with it when they get out of hand. That may be the real reason they don't misbehave in front of me. Then I tell them to get out there and make me some money.

Q: The end of the show always results in strong feelings for three different women. Ever consider resolving that dilemma by moving to Utah and converting to Polygamy? There should be some ranches opening up soon.

[Brett interjects]

BM: Are you going to ask me any questions about my band?

Q: You’re in a band?

(Dominique LaJeunesse)

Uh, Rats

[Vermin News] We have a rat invasion. In our yard.

I invited it. I hung bird feeders over the winter and filled them with black-oil sunflower seed. I would occasionally see a rat running out from a snowbank, grabbing a seed, then disappear. Of course I knew there is no such thing as just one rat.

But I had no idea. With the snow melt, the rats are having their own karaoke party in and around our driveway.

Maxine, our 80-year-old neighbor, called last night to tell us she sees the rats--six or more at a time--feasting on seeds the birds drop from the feeder.

I saw a pack of them for the first time this morning, when I drove in to the driveway. I would have taken their picture to share on the blog, but these are urban rats. They move fast. They ran under the shed beside the garage. Maxine thinks they are nesting there.

We really don't despise the rats. I rather like our yard feeling like a Beatrix Potter book. Surely the rats have a purpose. The circle of life, you know? But I sense the neighbors are gathering momentum and will soon, um, rat us out to the health department for creating a nuisance.

Also, the neighbors are a fountain of extermination advice. One says we should put out traps near the shed. Oh, and there's poison...mix it into dog food, they say, and slide it under the shed.

None sound like good options. Anyone? [Holly Mullen]

Want Me Back?

[Vox Populi] Today's top letter to the editor...[Holly Mullen]

Ditto Ditto

OK. This is kind of strange, but probably only to music geeks like myself (plus, it's early, so bright flashing lights are hypnotic). I caught a clip of UK recording artist Duffy on MTV this morning and was immediately struck by how similar her voice and perhaps more so her dance moves are to Gossip front woman Beth Ditto's. She looks like a skinny, blonde version of the buxom US punk-soul singer. Here's the weird part: the US version of the video highlights Duffy's Ditto style (albeit watered down), the UK version not so much. Are they trying to market a watered down, skinny blonde Ditto prototype to Americans? Then again, Ditto is making waves in the New York fashion world, so maybe Duffy is just a sign that genuinely powerful singers are regaining power in this Idol-obsessed world?

Check it for yourself

UK Duffy video:


US Duffy video:


Gossip live video:


(Jamie Gadette)

Sweet Spirits

[Polygamy Fallout] The plyg raid at El-do-RAY-do drove home the fact that most polygamists, unfortunately, aren't as hot as Bill Paxton and Chloë Sevigny. Or Mary Kay Place, for that matter.

In fact, remembering back to the Tom Green case, it seems he got reasonably lucky playing the wife lottery, considering the poofy-haired alternatives.

But not as lucky as Jesus, apparently. Anybody remember this pic from--I don't know, Sunday School? (Where do these pictures come from? I just know that this one seems familiar, as if I had seen it several times in childhood.) Really it's beautifully done, if a little hokey.

At the time, I think we all figured those hotties hanging on his every word were "disciples"--but, now, it's only too obvious what's really going on.

Obviously, Wife 1 is the willowy blue-sashed number standing behind, saying, "OK, that's enough now, Jesus. Let's go home." That red-sashed pumpkin on the right appears to have spotted something amusing happening just to the left of the frame, but we can see what he's in the mood for. Brunette? Pink sash? Mmm-hmmm. (Brandon Burt)

The City At Random...

[Intro] Simultaneously winning "Best Mini-Docs" in Utah and being adopted as the "online video content provider" (read: digital step-child) for the best damn alt-weekly on the planet was too good to be true. To celebrate, my team and I took full advantage of the free bar at the Port-O-Call party City Weekly threw this last Friday. If you happened to be there, you might've seen the yahoo in a green hoodie circling the buffet table and later making a jackass out of himself on karaoke... that was me. (I owe you beer, Loren).

You may already have heard of us. X96 caught wind of SLC Random last September and pulled us into doing a documentary for the Big Ass Show the following month. In a mere 6 days we edited 8 hours' worth of footage down to a 36-minute rockumentary... but not without collectively consuming enough Red Bull to turn God herself into an insomniac.



We love Salt Lake City the same way Woody Allen loves Manhattan. It's because of this love that in February of 2007 we gathered our courage and approached Bill Frost about the little video projects we had been working on and our idea for a documentary podcast series. After much finagling and a few hands of poker, we were finally able to coerce Mr. Frost to let SLC Random share with all of you, dear CW readers, our particular vision of the city.

There are plenty of amazing stories in the valley. Too many for the over-worked (and underpaid?) staff of CW to cover each week. We want to pick up the slack by focusing on the unseen random things that make up our community. How many of us have heard the story behind the man who rolls around the Gateway in his motorized wheelchair filling the air with bubbles? Who knows about a local chef who hosts a weekly Sunday dinner in his Pioneer-era home... for free? Or, who's familiar with a writer who's single-handedly bringing back text-adventure computer games, much to the cheers of the visually impaired?

It's stories like these that SLC Random intends to cover in short, 3-5 minute documentaries that will be posted on the City Weekly website. Anything and everything from local events, humanitarian causes, personal interest stories about artists, nut-jobs, politicians, raconteurs, fashionistas, acrobatic acts and religious zealots--all the quirky things that, when put together, make the whole of Salt Lake as weird as it is.

As we're still gaining momentum, and we're new at the whole "business structure" thing, we'll be updating fairly irregularly - at least until we've gotten more equipment and some fund-age to operate on. (Hint, hint!)

In the meantime, keep checking back at SLCRandom.com for more info. There you'll find links to our Myspace and YouTube pages... our very humble beginnings.

Questions, complaints, suggestions, donations and ideas are whole-heartedly accepted. Just email us at casebusters@slcrandom.com

Here's to you, Salt Lake! *Raises beer mug* (SLC Random Team)

Breaking Legal Ground?

[FLDS Raid] The towns of Eldorado and San Angelo, Tex., are swarming with reporters after state authorities last week swept into the YFZ Ranch and removed 416 children of FLDS polygamists.

One of the best analysis pieces I've seen yet came last night on KSL television. John Hollenhorst reported that Texas law enforcement and social service authorities are fully aware of the grand scale of this child protection action--the largest ever in Texas. They're doing so because, based on interviews with children so far and other evidence sought through detailed search warrants, authorities believe the entire FLDS culture thrives--exists, even--on a foundation of routinely abusing children.

The theory is this: Young girls are taught from the cradle to submit to the demands of their husbands. Their marriages are arranged, and typically, a much-older husband "grooms" the young girl from an early age for his sexual gratification. FLDS boys don't fare much better. They learn from childhood to use girls and women in the same manner as their fathers and other men they are taught to emulate.

Texas officials have hopes of rooting out child abuse that is deeply ingrained within FLDS culture. It will be a huge legal challenge; as of this moment, attorneys for several of the men at the Eldorado compound are arguing their civil rights were violated during the raid and continue to be ignored. Read Hollenhorst's intriguing take on the legal maneuvering here.

What do you think? Is the Texas approach to breaking down an entire culture appropriate? Does it make legal sense? Is the FLDS system so morally bankrupt it should be eradicated?

(Holly Mullen)

Skybridge to Heaven

[New-ish] So, who thought the downtown skybridge wouldn't pass? Anyone? Anyone? Yes, it was just pins-n-needles waiting for the evening TV news last night: "After we get done beating this polygamist sect story into the ground, we'll tell you how the big skybridge vote went--but not until we analyze the results of tonight's American Idol/Dancing With the Stars/Biggest Loser/Big Brother!"

What was surprising, besides one councilman blubbering over a mall, was another councilman's concern about The Gateway: "I don't subscribe to the point of view that this will not harm Gateway or that in fact it may be positive," said J.T. Martin, who voted for the skybridge. "I think it's going to affect it quite a bit. It will be interesting to see what Gateway becomes."

Like, say, an overpriced beige strip mall that bakes in the summer and freezes in the winter? We're already there--can't wait till they build some more all over the valley. (Bill Frost)

EZ Not

[Taxes] Is anyone out there old enough to remember the federal 1040EZ tax form?

Not the one your kid (or anyone else with no deductions) completed or is completing this year. I'm talking about the one I filled out in the good ol' days, all the way through college. It was so simple you really could use a big black crayon to fill in the blanks--just like the IRS told you:

Make your figures like this: 1234

Well, I just tried to show my teenage son how to complete a 1040EZ form. Note use of the word "tried." I couldn't do it. Because I had to go online and look up some bullshit tax bulletin, which led to another table and another after that. And I finally gave up, wadded up the tax sheet and stuck Sam's W-2 forms in the envelope with our taxes and shipped it off to the CPA.

The accountant backed me up on this. Ditch your black crayon--the days of the old EZ form are gone. But couldn't the feds come up with a more accurate name? I'm thinking 1040FU. (Holly Mullen)

Dead Zephyr: Week 230

(Bill Frost)

Audio Democracy

[Senate Hearings] Here is one reason that radio is still a viable medium:

A very boisterous protester just interrupted for the second time in an hour the Senate Armed Forces Committee hearings on the success of George W. Bush's surge in Iraq. I can't see him, only hear him. Two minutes ago, he yelled out "BRING THEM HOME!" "BRING THEM HOME!" until committee chairman Carl Levin called security to escort him from the room. Good drama, made ever so much better by simply imagining what the video might look like.

KSL morning show co-hosts Grant Nielsen and Amanda Dickson, nevertheless, quickly turned off the audio and moved to a more suitable--read, frothy--topic.

Also, John McCain is delighting in using this as one big free campaign ad. Could the guy ask any more puffball questions?

America has so given up on this war and all the trappings surrounding it. Two anti-war outbursts in one brief morning. Is anyone listening? Knock Knock. Anyone home? (Holly Mullen)

Feature Creature

[Pulitzer Prizes] About 19 years ago, Gene Weingarten came to the newspaper I worked for at the time, the St. Paul Pioneer-Press, in Minnesota. He was editor of the Miami Herald's "Tropic" magazine. He led a day long writing workshop. He offered practical tips on writing feature stories, but I mostly remember him as riotously funny--in word and in print.

Today it was announced that Weingarten, a staff writer with the Washington Post, won the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for feature writing. The Post picked up six Pulitzers in all. But the best thing, in my mind, is that Weingarten won for a humorous feature, which hardly ever happens. The Prize committee is usually won over by poignant tear jerkers. Features chronicling the lives of babies without bones and the like.

Anyway, his story--"Pearls Before Breakfast"-- is about a world-class violinist, whom Weingarten placed in the Washington D.C. subway system. The premise of the story was to see what busy, hard-bitten commuters would do when they heard the guy playing. Ignore him? Throw him some coin? Shake their heads at the shame of it all and move on? Read it.
(Holly Mullen)

Best of Utah 2008 Party Pix

Give Me Freedom or Give Me Spam 2

[Media] Again, how does this help keep anything "free"? And why didn't the Salt Lake Tribune version ask you to be 16 or older? (Bill Frost)

All's Well

[Update] The Rachel Guyon saga chronicled in our late February cover story, Just Stop, ended not with a thunderous judicial bang but rather a negotiated whimper on March 31.

Guyon, who was charged with conducting a lengthy e-mail harrassment campaign against Utah's Attorney General and members of his staff, took four pleas in abeyance for class B misdemeanors of electronic communication harrassment.

Her co-attorney Kris Rogers said part of the deal that had been brokered with Salt Lake County's District Attorney Greg Ferbrache involved Guyon not contacting any of the alleged victims.

So ends a tale that had everything a salacious conspiracist might crave -- sexual innuendo and a call girl past, apparent abuses of power by the AG's office in the quest to silence whoever was taunting them, and finally, most intriguingly of all, the astonishing sight of one person and the most powerful legal governmental institution in the state reduced to a level playing field by the anonymity provided by the Internet. (Stephen Dark)

Subliminal Skullduggery

[Dirty GOP Tricks] Utah Republicans have started to eat their own young.

I don't know how else to explain a flyer the Utah Republican Party sent out promoting a supposed "fund raiser" to "benefit" legislators Ken Sumsion, Keith Grover, Carl Wimmer, Chris Herrod and Steve Sandstrom.

Oh, sure, the flyer pretends to praise the men for "standing tall with strong conservative principals" but its true message is clear. By dubbing them "The Fabulous Five," what else could the GOP be implying but that they're gay?

The real Fab Five, of course, are the aesthetes on that awful Queer Eye show people were talking about back in ought-three. In the 80s, it applied to the five members of Duran Duran. Also, if you're a 10-year-old girl, you might recognize them as Jana, Christie, Melanie, Katie and Beth, the five most popular girls at Wakeman Junior High in Betsy Hanes' YA book series.

Each of those Fabulous Fives is as gay as a goose (especially the Simon Le Bon reference). And, in a party obsessed with regulating sexual orientation, even the barest whisper of taffeta spells certain death. Who knows what these guys did to anger the party bigwigs so much?

It's all very subtle, so one wonders whom the Republicans hired to design it. For instance, even if your eye is not as queer as mine, it's revealing to study the above silhouettes and visualize the location of each legislator's hands. (Brandon Burt)

Finger Lickin' Good!

Unless one of our marketing gurus is yanking my chain, rumor has it that actor Vincent D'Onofrio will make an appearance at Friday's Best of Utah party. His sister Toni runs a rib joint out in Sandy and it won one of our coveted awards. Apparently Vincent wants to share in Rib City's victory by living it up at Port O' Call. I'm pretty excited. But which Vincent will show up? The creepy dude from The Cell? The slick young man from Newton Boys? Or the oddly attractive though often bloated detective from Law & Order? My money's on the last one.

By the way, there are a LOT of women with a LOT of time on their hands making all sorts of crazy video tributes to Vince. Here's a taste of crazy town:



(Jamie Gadette)

5 Decades Later and Still Politickin'

This Friday April 4th, Dan Jones, a local legend of polling and politics in our fair state will be honored as the Hinckley Institute of Politics Fellow for this semester. He will be talking about his half a century's worth experience in following government politics at a forum at the Hinckley Center that morning at 10:45.

From being the preeminent maestro of local polls and stats through his company Dan Jones and Associates, or through the generations (plural) of leaders and activists he has been a mentor to throughout his teaching career, Dan Jones has very much been at the heart of Utah politics and issues. After the morning forum there will also be a fundraising luncheon at 12 for a scholarship Jones is putting together called the Future Leaders of America.

That event will cost ya, but the mornings forum is free and open to the public, so stop by to hear from, and, celebrate Utah's household-name (in a good way!) when it comes to politics. (Eric S. Peterson)

Get that Hser Nay Moo Story

[Media Clusterf**k] And so it begins.

In the 36 hours since South Salt Lake police arrested 21-year-old Esar Met on suspicion of murdering little Hser Nay Moo (right), the mainstream media have gone ape shit for even the tiniest shred of drama to tell this story.

It's no surprise, especially given the cultural complexities involved in covering the story. There's a language barrier, and the families involved are recent refugees from a distant and tumultuous country (Burma, now known as Myanmar). It's clear the members of both the victim's and the suspect's families know nothing about the U.S. legal system, so it's suddenly open season on these people beset by tragedy. Nobody is about to "lawyer up," that's for sure.

To wit, this latest piece of crap: Today's Deseret Morning News, KSL radio and Salt Lake Tribune all have sketchy comments from the murder suspect's mother, Ra He Mar. Having fled from Myanmar, then having finally gotten out of a Thai refugee camp where she lived for 18 years, the woman has been in the United States for two weeks. (Though the Trib is reporting one month.) Whatever. She's scarcely had time to get over jet lag. Ra He Mar can barely utter a word in English, was interviewed through a interpretor and has no grasp of the American legal system. And surprise: she says her son is a good boy. [Esar Met] "had never run afoul of the law before or displayed any behavior indicating he was capable of killing," according to the Tribune's account from his mother.

Well, it's all done because by damn, some editor at a desk decided you need to know. Does this kind of media scramble strike anyone else as fairly cannibalistic? (Holly Mullen)

Best Entertainment Website April Fool's Gag EVER

Longtime aficionados of Web-based movie writing may already be familiar with Vern, the pseudonymous cinema critic and commentator who has created a unique (and thoroughly fictional) persona. Well, his skill at creating convincing fictions has reached its apex with one of the most savagely brilliant parodies of entertainment bloggery ever in an April Fools' Day prank on which he must have spent months. You want pointless box-office predictions? He's got it. Random rumors about upcoming movies? He's got it. Breathless "first looks" at promotional materials? He's got it.

And whatever you do, don't stop until you get all the way to the bottom, particularly the banner ads and "Categories" on the right. The rest of the movie blogosphere might as well just throw in the towel right now. (Scott Renshaw)

Gay Panic Hits Utah (Again)

[Media] It was the tongue-clucking heard round the world. Or at least throughout the state.

The story about a feisty little PTA president in American Fork has legs, apparently. All Belinda Jensen wanted to do was provide a platform for a group spreading the hoary old myth that gays "recruit" schoolchildren.

School administrators were understandably hesitant to give the appearance that the school endorses such views--which made Jensen realize that the PTA had been infiltrated by the Homosexual Agenda. (The idea that the American Fork PTA is a hotbed of homos seems plausible only to those with a screw loose.)

How could she, a plucky little bigot, thwart the evil forces silencing her? Why, by holding her little cross-burning at the library—at least the gays haven't infiltrated that public institution. (Or have they? The Pride Center will hold its own Q&A there next Wednesday.)

As usual with such events, more heat than light was generated. The dailies' comments boards filled up with venomous anti-gay ravings and offended reactions from people who actually know someone gay well enough to see through the smokescreen.

Four things:

Jensen's cohorts, who describe themselves as an LDS-oriented corporation, say gays have to actively "recruit" new members into "the homosexual lifestyle," and contribute to the spread of disease.

1. I have never heard of gay people going door-to-door looking for new converts. If anybody's recruiting, it's people like Jensen, who twist the tenets of Christianity to generate hatred against whomever they're trying to persecute at the time.

2. The last epidemic I heard of that could be attributed to some group was last summer's cryptosporidium outbreak--was it caused the gays? No. It was caused by the kinds of irresponsible parents who believe that the entire world has been created for the benefit of their children. (They're even talking about "swim diapers" now. How sick is that? I'd feel a hell of a lot safer in a gay swimming pool than one frequented by the American Fork PTA.)

3. If Jensen's actions and those of her propaganda-spewing pals result in just one attack against some poor gay kid in American Fork, she should be held responsible for spreading the lies that make anti-gay brutality a fact of life for many young people growing up.

4. If her goal was to make gays angry and to steel our resolve to achieve equal protection under the law in our lifetimes, she's succeeded. (Brandon Burt)

Doomsday Update

City Weekly reported last December about an interesting contingent of Mormon faithful who also believe in the prophecies of a rural, farmer, bishop and miner John Hyrum Koyle who had numerous visions of the future. The story mostly focused on modern day believers who now have an email discussion group where they talk about Bishop Koyle's prophecies and predictions for the future. (Koyle was said to have built a mine which would produce riches for a chosen few to help sustain them in the moments before the apocalypse.)

The article itself perhaps poked a little fun at some of the group members theories about the end of the world, but recent postings on the "Dream Mine Discussion Group" have given me at least a few chills, that's because a few prophecies are starting to sound pretty similar to some things going on in the news.

That's because emails are really starting to buzz about whether or not the end is nigh.
Apparently one prophecy warned that a Republican administration would make efforts to save the economy, which was described as though it "were put up on stilts." Couple that with a prophecy about a long winter after many dry ones, and it makes you wonder.

In speaking to Dream Mine historian Doc Hansen, he imagined the "stilts" prophecy that presages a great financial collapse may have had something to do with inflating prices. But another way to interpret "stilts" may be as something meant to prop something up in which case if one looks at all the desperate measures being proposed to solve our financial systems in the wake of Bear Stearn's near-collapse it's enough to give pause. Of course it's probably nothing and I wouldn't worry too much...of course my family has stock in the mine too, so, I'm cool either way. (Eric S. Peterson)

Bikes Are People, Too

[Mutual Commitments] Dave Iltis, editor of Cycling Utah, wrote and sent this e-mail yesterday. Note the date, please. (Holly Mullen)

Becker Proposes Commitment Registry

April 1, 2008, Salt Lake City--After months of controversy and heated battles with the Utah Legislature, Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker has worked out a compromise in what he believes to be one of the most important issues of his new administration. "Cyclists should have a choice of how they spend their time," Becker said. "And more importantly, who or what they spend their time with."

Becker was reacting to the previous administration's withdrawal of a proposed helmet ordinance that was then replaced with a loyalty oath--a vague attempt at getting cyclists to conform to societal norms. Former Mayor Rocky Anderson was determined that cyclists fall in line with Utah Values.

"We wanted family oriented cyclists--riders who wouldn't challenge authority and who would fall in step with what Utah families consider important," Anderson said. "Bikes that look the same, were well-tuned, and had brakes and derailleurs. The problem we had was with a subversive clan of individuals who were determined to buck our hometown trends.

"These extremists, these fundamentalist riders had no respect for convention, nor for proper gearing. All we were trying to do was to get them to sign a pledge to be D2 citizens [the D stands for Derailleur]. We wanted them to sign a paper acknowledging the importance of their bike to them and vice versa. This Domestic Partnership would have given credence to what most cyclists already know--their bike is the most important person in the world to them. While we obviously couldn't get the bikes to cooperate, the sad truth was that the cyclists wouldn't cooperate, either. So, in the end, the bikes suffered without proper maintenance, and the cyclists suffered without proper miles."

The Utah Legislature played its part, too, in killing this progressive policy--one that would have made Salt Lake City a trend setter in establishing the first-of-its kind registry to protect cyclists and bike rights. While in this year's session, legislators didn't shy away from controversy or stupid statements, they couldn't avoid playing the message card and passed HB217a,which allowed Salt Lake's registry to stay in place, but only if Salt Lake discarded the moniker "Domestic Partnership."

Becker, whose years on Capitol Hill have left him with skills to finesse his way through difficult straights, came up with the Commitment Registry. "We have been working on this for some time, until it was recently pointed out to us that cyclists and bikes may have been excluded. We want to make sure cyclists and bikes know that they will be afforded the same benefits as everyone else and have added an explicit mention of cyclists and bikes in the new ordinance.

"With the new name, cyclists and their bikes will have the same rights in the marketplace as others with their relationships. Cyclists can care for their bikes and their bikes will care for them.
Bicycle Commitment. It's that simple. Laminated certificates of the bike/cyclist relationship can be obtained from the business office on the second floor of City Hall and must be placed in the front spokes."

Harlan Hector, a longtime Salt Lake cyclist, was relieved. "I've grown tired of living in fear and worrying about what would happen if my bike was taken to the shop and I couldn't be with it while it was overhauled. I mean, what if they misadjusted the bottom bracket? Or misplaced a bearing? The shop wouldn't recognize my rights before, but they will have to now." His bike, a fixed-gear Raleigh, looked equally pleased, but didn't say anything.

Gitane (formerly Mark Smith) of PETB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Bicycles) ,was ecstatic. Said Gitane: "Bikes are people, too."

Sen. Chris Buttard, (R-West Jordan), was outraged and along with Layle Bazooka of the Cyclists With Family Values (formerly the Eagle Forum), vowed to teach Salt Lake a lesson next January with a new bill.

"They can have bikes loving cyclists and cyclists loving bikes, but where are they going to ride after we pass new legislation that will tear up all of the roads in Salt Lake and replace them with slick Teflon surfaces covered in bacon fat." Bazooka added, before disappearing down a dark alley: "Yeah, see if they can ride on Teflon! Bacon Fat is a family value!"

Hser Nay Moo, 2000-2008

[Rest in Peace] Today, words seem to mean very little. Goodbye, little Hser Nay Moo.

(Holly Mullen)

KRCL Update: Meet the Daily 3

[Radio] Remember the uproar over the January City Weekly story about changes going on at KRCL 90.9, specifically the hiring (as in, paid) of three weekday DJs to replace the 30-odd volunteer mash-up at the beloved community radio station? We finally have an update--not from the station, but from current Thursday Breakfast Jam host David Morrissey (no relation).

Morrissey runs the KRCL Facebook group; he sent out this bulletin to its 72 members today:

"So, here's the word ... The paid DJs you've all heard much about will take the studio beginning Monday, May 5. So you have about a month left with your (remaining) favorite volunteer daytime hosts.

The three DJs who have been selected are all current volunteers and talented programmers. So, that's encouraging. They'll certainly have a tough road to hoe, however. There's a lot of people who are still rightfully bitter. I wish them good luck.

Specifically, they are:

Ebay [Jamil], host of Rhythm Kitchen

Bad Brad [Wheeler], host of Wednesday & Thursday Roots 'n Blues

David [P], host of Friday & Saturday Breakfast Jams

If you have any other thoughts you'd like to share with the KRCL staff or boardmembers, I believe the email address is changes@krcl.org.

As I'll be losing my show in about a month and am not sure what my relationship will be with KRCL other than as a listener, I'll be bowing out as group 'officer' here on Facebook. Thanks for your support for all of the daytime programming and volunteer programming in general."

These are three excellent choices; disgruntled listeners should give them a chance. If not, there's always the new online-radio startup at UtahFM.org, headed up by former KRCL daytime volunteers. (Bill Frost)

Dead Zephyr: Week 229

(Bill Frost)

Beware the Statue of Tyranny!

Good ol' Chico Alex Saguras has been keeping busy lately with his own self-styled patriot-citizens with jingoistic fever lobby group called the Immigration Delegation. Recently he's been keeping busy circulating emails to concerned patriots like one sent today warning "Supremes to allow Statue of Tyranny?" The head suggests that somehow every other news media outlet had missed the scoop of a lifetime in that a group was about win over the supreme courts and allow them to erect a 'statue of tyranny' adjacent to the Statue of Liberty. The ominous photo in the article (here to the right) suggests the statue would be Adolph Hitler.

Turns out that after you sacrifice 11 seconds of your life reading the article further, you find out that no one is planning on erecting a statue of the fuhrer next to old lady lib, instead this is just the snarky interpretation taken by legal representatives in the recent ten commandments case going on in Pleasant Grove. The article cites legal briefs saying:

"Under the flawed private speech jurisprudence of the panel in this case – there exists no principled basis upon which the government could turn down for permanent display on Liberty Island a donation of a 'Statue of Tyranny,' or, perhaps, a new copper colossus bearing the message 'Pay No Attention to the Lady With the Torch – the Golden Door is Now Closed,'" the legal briefs argued.

The current case is an interesting one as far constitutional free speech issues go, one where the Summum church of Salt Lake City is making an interesting case for them being allowed to erect a monument to what they describe as the Seven Aphorisms, or laws given to Moses that he only allowed a select few to learn about. Very nuanced case indeed, and one probably not best introduced to the public with a headline suggesting that a giant statue of history's most evil bastard was in the works to be put up next to the Statue of Liberty. Nice one Alex, thanks for keeping us in the loopdy loop. (Eric S. Peterson)

Happy Birthday Buttars!

[Bigot Birthday] Hey gang, it's state Sen. Chris Buttars' birthday!

No foolin.'

E-mail your favorite homophobe, racist (and fool) lawmaker a b-day salutation:

dcbuttars@utahsenate.org

(Holly Mullen)