Rock Of Interview

Did you hear the sound of glass being shattered on a hard surface on Tuesday? That ... was the sound of my heart breaking against a rock of love since Bret Michaels' media & marketing director is a Rock Tease. Michaels is appearing at Club 90 on Sunday, April 13 and I'd hoped to pick his massive brain. But the director didn't come through. Not a phone call back after three lengthy conversations. Just a wasted day off and a few sighs of sorrow erupting from my inversion-clogged lungs.

Luckily Conor Dow from the Foundation To Help Shattered Self Esteems When Interviews With Famous People That Are Way Busier and Way More Rich Than You intervened moments before I was fully awash with grief, and donated his services to collaborate with me on what an interview with the reality TV star would have been like. I would like to send thanks to Conor for his help on this project, which is about as real as Rock of Love:

Q: Do you believe that every time you play Every Rose Has Its Thorn a stripper earns her wings?

BM: Two things I am looking forward to in the future. Flying cars, and flying strippers.

Q: Your bandanas have captured the heart of America. Would you consider licensing them and then naming one after me because I thought of it first?

BM: Actually, while fighting Ed Hardy in the makeshift UFC ring he has in his backyard, he asked me the exact same thing. So we're striking up a deal to make Ed Hardy / Bret Michaels headbands

Q: When you get women on the show without eyebrows are you ever tempted to lick your finger and smudge them off?

BM: Absolutely not, you should see the imprinted eyebrow collection left behind on my stomach after a tryst or two.

Q: Can you rent out Big John [bodyguard] to me I need him for when the going gets tough and I don't feel like dealing with the going gets tough.

BM: Big John is a myth. He is a collective figment of a Reality TV watcher’s imagination.

Q: So the women on your show have to go through challenges to win a date with you. Have you considered maybe upping the ante? Maybe having the girls eat a camel spider or wrestle a grizzly bear to vie for your affection?

BM: For a while I tried to convince the producers to let me have them fight with hatchets. The idea started out actually as having them combat each other in a twisted game of wits, but the contestants on the show are usually... fresh out of wit. So hatchets was the logical choice after that. I figure why not dope two women up on PCP and make them go "My Side of the Mountain" on each other until there is only one standing?

Q: What is the difference between each of these things you say? "Hey-Yo!" "Hi-Yo!" and "Hay-Lo!"

BM: Hey-Yo is is an old German phrase that means "What's up, how's it going?" Hi-Yo is an old Japanese exclamation specifically to be used when a girl is taking her shirt of or dancing seductively on a bar or pole. Hay-Lo, well, I don't want to talk about it, it brings back bad memories.

Q: I have seen you kiss multiple skanks within seconds of each other, girls that are crying, and one directly after eating breakfast. Is there anything you gotta admit, that really kinda doesn't turn you on?

BM: Probably a camel spider wrestling a grizzly bear....actually...that kind of turns me on too. Nope nothing really doesn't not turn me on.

Q: Do you consider the stripper (er exotic dancer) couture that the women wear on the show as your first choice of how a lady should dress all of the time?

BM: Women...dress...different than that?

Q: When you get a female on your show who says she is in a band, and her band really sucks, do you have the nerve to tell her?

BM: I generally do, unless her band is Clay Aiken, because when he sings "Invisible", it takes me to a whole different plane of existence.

Q: Does your heart sink or swell when a girl after your heart tells you she is a dancer? Because we know she does not mean go-go dancer.

BM: My heart swells until they all tell me they don't know what "Troika" is. If only I could go back to the time when Poison was touring in Russia. I met a girl named Olga and she performed the Ðîññèéñêàÿ êîðçèíû ïëåòóò for me.

Q: Speaking of Daisy, would you have nothing to do with a girl that has hooked up with a former band mate, or will you still go after her groupied out soul?

BM: Well, I have this thing called the Big Bang Theory...

Q: What brand of guyliner do you wear? It doesn't run, and I think you should market that too, so the crying girls on the show can wear it.

BM: I am not at liberty to discuss the brand yet, it is still in development, but I can tell you the shade and that is Cry Tough. It will be a cryliner line that we are coming out with soon

Q: Will you fire your marketer please? I am better than her.

BM: I fully agree. You seem like the type of person that would actually call people back when you say you will. But you also seem like you have a soul, so I don't think marketing is for you.

Q: Women seem to be disturbingly attracted to you? Ever consider getting a pimp cane?

BM: Oh I have one. You don't see this, but on the cut footage of the show I smack the girls' shins with it when they get out of hand. That may be the real reason they don't misbehave in front of me. Then I tell them to get out there and make me some money.

Q: The end of the show always results in strong feelings for three different women. Ever consider resolving that dilemma by moving to Utah and converting to Polygamy? There should be some ranches opening up soon.

[Brett interjects]

BM: Are you going to ask me any questions about my band?

Q: You’re in a band?

(Dominique LaJeunesse)