Rock of Love Bus: Party Time!

[Locals on Reality TV] Salt Laker Kelsey survived another cut on Bret Michaels' Rock of Love Bus this weekend, even though she was on the losing team in a stage tear-down challenge (no, VH1 isn't even trying to come up with new material anymore). Kel got a special cell call from Bret himself to come rock VIP style onstage and at the after party, while her fellow losers were stuck up in the cheap seats (which are still pretty good, since the Bret Michaels Band ain't exactly playing stadiums).

Here's Kelsey explaining that AARP member Bret had to skip the after party because he was too pooped after rocking onstage for a whole hour. Naturally, drama ensues ...

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(Bill Frost)

Rock of Love Bus: Kelsey's Still Rollin'

[Locals on Reality TV] Salt Lake's Kelsey has survived another cut on VH1's Rock of Love Bus, wherein "ladies" vie for the "love" of "rock star" Bret Michaels and his "hair." As we learned in last night's episode, Kelsey has mad skills on the ice, if not with math:

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That's Kelsey going in for the first hug, up front, gum a-crackin,' then later commenting on "the devil" Lacie. (Bill Frost)

Still On the Bus

[Locals on Reality TV] Is this good news or bad news? Salt Lake City's Kelsey Lee is still in the running to hook-up with a puffy '80s rock star 20 years her senior on basic cable TV! Hey, at least he's not an FLDS prophet, right?

The Huka Bar waitress has had little screen time as of yet on VH1's Rock of Love Bus, but did make the coming repulsions, er, attractions reel for next Sunday's episode, wherein the Bus heads to Champagne, Illinois: "I don't know where Champagne is, but I'll drink the bottle! Woo!"

Will Kelsey stay on the Bus, doing Utah proud and eventually just doing Bret Michaels? Stay tuned! Or not ... (Bill Frost)

Bret Michaels Rocked My World

[Music-ish] For those of you that have so viciously killed your televisions, you may not be aware of VH1's Rock of Love. I have a theory that there is this island called Skanktopia, and that is where all the reality show hussies with one too many I’s or E’s in their names are patiently awaiting the day until they are plucked to drunkenly stumble around in front of millions of viewers in order to vie for the affection of someone. Anyone. Well, on Rock of Love, this someone is the bandana’d bandit, Bret Michaels, leader of hair metal band Poison.

The reality television show is one of few such programs to make me laugh with genuine hysteria. The best part about the show, is the perhaps unintentional humor. I can’t figure out if these people are real human beings, or if they were placed on this planet merely to amuse us obsessive TV viewers. I don’t have to hide out in my room shamefully watching it in the dark either! There are others that follow it every week and we either watch it together or discuss it the following day.

So when I heard that Bret Michaels was coming to Utah in all of his guy-linered glory to support his Rock of Love tour, it was on, as Jessica from the show would say, "like Donkey Kong." Also, I wanted to go and just see who genuinely wanted a piece of Bret.

Now where could we house such an amazing spectacle? Club 90 in Sandy of course! Hey-O! It’s just too bad that all of my tassled jackets and bandanas were in storage and my hair was too short to tease. No worries, I headed out there on Sunday, April 13, and prepared myself for some serious butt-rock.

There was a slight scheduling conflict. See, this was the season finale of Rock of Love, and Bret was to be playing on stage when the climatic episode aired. Fortunately, Club 90 had about 10 different sets airing Rock of Love when I walked in.

Club 90 is massive. At first when the television commercial I saw noting that this tour was coming threatened in a deep masculine voice that “THIS SHOW WILL SELL OUT” I laughed a bit. I stopped laughing when we arrived. There was one parking spot left in the very back, and everyone was at this show.

The people working the door, my adorable sweet waitress, and the bar staff there are to be commended. They were so nice and accommodating that this alone made my night. The concert goers had tunnel vision. They were there for Bret and nothing it seemed would stand in their way of viewing him on stage. I asked one gentleman if I could borrow his bar stool for a moment for some quick photos and he quickly obliged. He either didn’t hear me or just wanted to get me in trouble with Bret’s skank army, because before I knew it I was being glowered at by a girl who bruskly informed me that was Her Chair. I smiled and apologized, but the only thing I got in return was her pushing it under the table and dancing in front of it. Some people’s parents do not teach their kids to share, and I was not about to be the one to explain it to her so inched away.

Bret came onstage before a shoulder-sitting, lighter-holding, girly-screaming crowd absolutely wild for him. He gave us some “Sweet Home Alabama,” since it was the first CD he “borrowed” from Sears, “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door," "Look at What The Cat Dragged In," the ever so serenadeable “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and a little “Somethin’ To Believe In.”

Rock of Love was airing throughout Bret's set, and it was imperative for me to know who he picked at the end of the show. I moved into the pool room and listened to him rock out. The show wrapped as he finished his set (SPOILER ALERT: Ew, he picked Ambre. I would have lost a bet on this one). I wandered back into the main room hoping I might bask in Bret's presence and, maybe, snag a leg-humping photo op. Alas, he was nowhere to be found.

I did, however, spot something akin to a Yeti, though I was unable to get a photo: Bodyguard Big John. These boobs weren’t made for talkin’, so I silently squealed and made my way into the parking lot, knowing that when I go to bed tonight I can do so with visions of Bret and Big John dancing in my head. (Dominique LaJeunesse)

Rock Of Interview

Did you hear the sound of glass being shattered on a hard surface on Tuesday? That ... was the sound of my heart breaking against a rock of love since Bret Michaels' media & marketing director is a Rock Tease. Michaels is appearing at Club 90 on Sunday, April 13 and I'd hoped to pick his massive brain. But the director didn't come through. Not a phone call back after three lengthy conversations. Just a wasted day off and a few sighs of sorrow erupting from my inversion-clogged lungs.

Luckily Conor Dow from the Foundation To Help Shattered Self Esteems When Interviews With Famous People That Are Way Busier and Way More Rich Than You intervened moments before I was fully awash with grief, and donated his services to collaborate with me on what an interview with the reality TV star would have been like. I would like to send thanks to Conor for his help on this project, which is about as real as Rock of Love:

Q: Do you believe that every time you play Every Rose Has Its Thorn a stripper earns her wings?

BM: Two things I am looking forward to in the future. Flying cars, and flying strippers.

Q: Your bandanas have captured the heart of America. Would you consider licensing them and then naming one after me because I thought of it first?

BM: Actually, while fighting Ed Hardy in the makeshift UFC ring he has in his backyard, he asked me the exact same thing. So we're striking up a deal to make Ed Hardy / Bret Michaels headbands

Q: When you get women on the show without eyebrows are you ever tempted to lick your finger and smudge them off?

BM: Absolutely not, you should see the imprinted eyebrow collection left behind on my stomach after a tryst or two.

Q: Can you rent out Big John [bodyguard] to me I need him for when the going gets tough and I don't feel like dealing with the going gets tough.

BM: Big John is a myth. He is a collective figment of a Reality TV watcher’s imagination.

Q: So the women on your show have to go through challenges to win a date with you. Have you considered maybe upping the ante? Maybe having the girls eat a camel spider or wrestle a grizzly bear to vie for your affection?

BM: For a while I tried to convince the producers to let me have them fight with hatchets. The idea started out actually as having them combat each other in a twisted game of wits, but the contestants on the show are usually... fresh out of wit. So hatchets was the logical choice after that. I figure why not dope two women up on PCP and make them go "My Side of the Mountain" on each other until there is only one standing?

Q: What is the difference between each of these things you say? "Hey-Yo!" "Hi-Yo!" and "Hay-Lo!"

BM: Hey-Yo is is an old German phrase that means "What's up, how's it going?" Hi-Yo is an old Japanese exclamation specifically to be used when a girl is taking her shirt of or dancing seductively on a bar or pole. Hay-Lo, well, I don't want to talk about it, it brings back bad memories.

Q: I have seen you kiss multiple skanks within seconds of each other, girls that are crying, and one directly after eating breakfast. Is there anything you gotta admit, that really kinda doesn't turn you on?

BM: Probably a camel spider wrestling a grizzly bear....actually...that kind of turns me on too. Nope nothing really doesn't not turn me on.

Q: Do you consider the stripper (er exotic dancer) couture that the women wear on the show as your first choice of how a lady should dress all of the time?

BM: Women...dress...different than that?

Q: When you get a female on your show who says she is in a band, and her band really sucks, do you have the nerve to tell her?

BM: I generally do, unless her band is Clay Aiken, because when he sings "Invisible", it takes me to a whole different plane of existence.

Q: Does your heart sink or swell when a girl after your heart tells you she is a dancer? Because we know she does not mean go-go dancer.

BM: My heart swells until they all tell me they don't know what "Troika" is. If only I could go back to the time when Poison was touring in Russia. I met a girl named Olga and she performed the Ðîññèéñêàÿ êîðçèíû ïëåòóò for me.

Q: Speaking of Daisy, would you have nothing to do with a girl that has hooked up with a former band mate, or will you still go after her groupied out soul?

BM: Well, I have this thing called the Big Bang Theory...

Q: What brand of guyliner do you wear? It doesn't run, and I think you should market that too, so the crying girls on the show can wear it.

BM: I am not at liberty to discuss the brand yet, it is still in development, but I can tell you the shade and that is Cry Tough. It will be a cryliner line that we are coming out with soon

Q: Will you fire your marketer please? I am better than her.

BM: I fully agree. You seem like the type of person that would actually call people back when you say you will. But you also seem like you have a soul, so I don't think marketing is for you.

Q: Women seem to be disturbingly attracted to you? Ever consider getting a pimp cane?

BM: Oh I have one. You don't see this, but on the cut footage of the show I smack the girls' shins with it when they get out of hand. That may be the real reason they don't misbehave in front of me. Then I tell them to get out there and make me some money.

Q: The end of the show always results in strong feelings for three different women. Ever consider resolving that dilemma by moving to Utah and converting to Polygamy? There should be some ranches opening up soon.

[Brett interjects]

BM: Are you going to ask me any questions about my band?

Q: You’re in a band?

(Dominique LaJeunesse)