[Scold] Now, see here: Just because there's a recession on, it's no excuse to act like animals. Yes, nobody has any money, and we're all even more afraid than usual, but that doesn't mean the world is your own personal hootenanny.
Remember The Waltons? That plucky clan of Depression-era Virginians didn't have much, but they always had one important thing: their dignity. Well, OK, they had four things: compound first names, a really big farmhouse, impressive fertility ... and their dignity.
The Waltons did not hang around downtown taking their clothing off and spitting their chewing gum onto the sidewalk where a City Weekly employee is bound to step in it. I'm not even sure the Waltons had chewing gum; I think they had to chew pine sap or something. Pine sap with wild huckleberries; that sounds right. Also it was rich in antioxidants, and when they were finished chewing, they would spit it out into spitoons, which were ubiquitous in those days. Dignity!
Grandma and Ma Walton always buttoned up their gingham pinafores, wore hats and gloves and clutched their distressingly light coin purses firmly in front when they went into town; they did not go shirtless and fling hippie sticks and smoke crack on the street while demanding money from passersby.
Even on those days that Grampa Walton went on a bender, he did not piss all over himself and then fall asleep in the nearest petunia patch. He collapsed into bed with Grandma and tried to get frisky until she beat him into submission with an orthopedic shoe; then he slept on the rocking chair downstairs. You see? Dignity!
In these troubling times, we simply cannot afford to fall into the depths of depravity. It is every American's duty to pull up his or her socks, stand up straight, and face the future bravely, however uncertain it may seem. For, if we allow them to take away our dignity, the greedy bastard capitalists have already won.