Oh, What a Tangled Web

[Men in Trees Sporting Goatees] According to The National Enquirer, "shocking allegations" of Sarah Palin's 1996 affair with burly snowmobile salesman/presumed Palmer, Alaska, Councilman Brad Hanson have elicited nothing but denials from Palin and her burly husband Ricky Gervais--er, that is, Todd Palin. Still,

Hanson family insider, Jim Burdett, has gone on the record and passed a rigorous polygraph test, revealing de­tails of the affair to The NATIONAL ENQUIRER in a world exclusive interview.

So, you see, you never know when being a Hanson family insider is going to pay off.

Are you an "insider" with some tenuous connection to a political candidate? For instance, did your poker buddy's brother-in-law once have a groovy three-way with Jason and Julie Chaffetz? Like, eww--but why not cash in on your vaguely powerful, icky connections? If you can go "on the record" and pass a "rigorous polygraph test"--the rigor of which presumably involves a $12 galvanic-response meter and a disgruntled ex-Scientologist--why not contact the Enquirer today? Or, better yet, send me blog fodder. Utah's boring campaign season could use a little sexing up.

I can't pay, but at least you'll know that the story will be better copy-edited than the Enquirer's--I promise not to use commas to set off restrictive appositives such as "Jim Burdett," and I'll remember that hyphens belong in compound modifiers like "world-exclusive." Mrrowr.

(Brandon Burt)