How Utah Voted on the Bailout

[Congress] After an initial failure, the Millionaire Relief Fund, aka the $700 billion corporate bailout, passed the House on its second attempt and was signed into law with great haste by the Chimpster. The second version of the bill, hefting in at 451 pages, is obviously a vast improvement on the original, which was jotted out on a gum wrapper.

We can certainly be confident that our congressmen and -women, hardworking speedreaders that they are, diligently studied and understood every page. Here's how the Utah all-boy club voted (wow, what a sausagefest!):Love the bailout or hate it, it's too late now. That $700 billion is going where your representatives think it will do the most good: into all kinds of crazy accounts and funds managed by the people who screwed up the economy in the first place. (Remember, these are the same people who think Economics is a "science.")

Final votes: Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008
("The bailout bill")

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R): Yea

Sen. Bob Bennett (R): Yea

Rep. Jim Matheson (D, up for election): Nay*

Rep. Chris Cannon (R, lame duck): Yea

Rep. Rob Bishop (R, up for election): Nay**

* Matheson stuck to his guns and staunchly
opposed the bailout throughout the process.

** Bishop didn't change his vote, either--although
he may have been "on the fence."

They've worked so hard; if only there were some way we could register our approval or displeasure!

But wait--isn't there some kind of votey-thing coming up soon? Why, sure there is: Election Day is in one month: Tuesday, Nov. 4. Both Matheson and Bishop are anxiously waiting to hear how you have enjoyed their performance, and there are all kinds of interesting candidates running for Cannon's old 3rd-district seat. Try and guess which one will vote the way you want! It's fun!

Want to join in? Sure you do! All you need is to be a registered voter. If you are an American citizen who will be at least 18 years old by Election Day and are not currently incarcerated, it's your right. (Just out of jail? No problem! In Utah, a convicted felon is eligible to vote as soon as he/she is released from prison, even on probation or parole. Were you railroaded by the legal system? You know what to do--vote against that judge or prosecutor who sent you down the river. It'll make you feel better and, considering that delivering a hard shank to your enemy's gut is no longer an option, voting is one of the few legal ways available for expressing your seething hatred and resentment, you impulsive outlaw, you.)

If you've been waiting till the last minute to register, this is the last minute. You need to register now. You can still register by mail, but you must send in the form no later than Monday, Oct. 6.

Try this: It only takes about 10 minutes. And it's easy: Go to this Website, click the "Begin Registration" button at the bottom of the page, and fill out the form. All they want is your name, address and driver's license number (or the last four digits of your Social Security number). There are a couple other fields to fill out; nothing traumatic. It's a hell of a lot easier than setting up a Facebook profile or an eBay account.

Notice there is a box you can check for "permanent vote-by-mail." If you check that box, Sherrie Swenson--she's the Salt Lake County Clerk, and she's really very nice--will mail you a ballot three weeks before the election. Then you can vote in the comfort and privacy of your own home. On Election Day, while everyone else is forced to go hang out at some crowded, germ-ridden elementary school, you can slap on your "I Voted Today Two Weeks Ago" sticker, lean back with your feet up, and smile.

After you fill out the brief questionnaire, you will be given a link to your PDF voter registration form. Download it, print it out, sign it, put it in an envelope, lick a stamp, and snailmail it to Sherrie by Monday at the latest. (The address is on the PDF; it's Salt Lake County Elections Division, 2001 S. State Street #S1100, Salt Lake City, UT 84190-1051) Look at your watch: Only 10 minutes have elapsed. Maybe 15 if you're methodical. You' can spare a few minutes; it's the weekend.

DO IT NOW; do it this instant. Don't wait until Tuesday, or you'll be forced to drive to Sherrie's office and register in person. (The last date to register in person is Monday, Oct. 20, only two weeks away.)

Just do it! DO IT, DAMMIT, DO IT!

(Brandon Burt)