Monday, October 27, 2008

The Senator, the Guv, and the Wardrobe

[Corruption] Sen. Ted Stephens has been convicted on all seven counts. That is, Stephens is guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty (!)

Stephens represents the state of Alaska where, since 2006, an unusual weather pattern has held, making it "always winter and never Christmas," according to Mr. Tumnus, a community activist within the state's faun community.

According to a mammalian observer who agreed to be identified only as Mr. Beaver, the verdict can't be good for Stephens' campaign against Democratic challenger Mark Begich--although, in the curiously topsy-turvy world of Alaska politics, the race remains close.

Well-dressed Republican veep hopeful Sarah Palin maverickily blamed "the corrupting influence" of Big Oil and vowed to keep a real close eye on them service-company rascals, whose siren song has been the downfall of too many good, real-American-type Alaskans. Also Palin icily said that Stephens should "do what's right for the people of Alaska"--presumably implying that he should drop out of the race, move immediately to Massachusetts and change party affiliation. Otmin, a minotaur speaking on behalf of the Stephens campaign, stated defiantly that worse fates than banishment have befallen the Sons of Adam, and criticized Palin for not offering Stephens, a longtime supporter, "so much as a piece of Turkish delight."

The upswing is that this senatorial race now benefits Democrats regardless of who wins. The two realistically possible outcomes are:
  1. Begich wins, bringing Democrats one step closer to a 60-vote filibuster-proof majority, or
  2. Stephens wins, making the GOP the party of felons--and possibly even depriving Republicans of a vote should Stephens' absentee rate increase due to, say, incarceration in federal prison.
Meteorologists predict a break in Alaska's harsh weather during the first week of November when, according to polls, the long-awaited return of Aslan is expected to occur. Failing that, they say, a vice-presidential move to Cair Paravel would at least serve to divert Palin's attention to matters in the neighboring provinces of Telmar and Archenland.

(Brandon Burt)


  1. I wonder if Mrs. Stevens is hand holding, while grinding her teeth, and repressing the need to yelp: BLAME ME YOU PUTZ!

  2. Oh, Brandon!!! Palin cannot focus on Telmar and Archenland. She will be far to busy, after November 4th, keeping an eye on the Russian Chukchi Peninsula. Some one has to look out and see if there are any Russians around and tell them to, "Shoo."

  3. Brandon - the least you can do is spell Ted Stevens' name correctly. Respect the office even if you can't respect the man.

    Stevens will go down to defeat up here on November 4th. But the conviction does NOT cancel out his 40 years of exemplary service to the Last Frontier.

    BTW, your own politicians aren't exactly choirboys. How about so many of your state legislators taking gifts from lobbyists? That's how it starts out - small. Learn from our mistakes and don't repeat them.


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