Registry of DOOM

Dante and Virgil in Hell by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

[The Gays] Word has it among members of Utah's mouthbreather community that Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker is invoking God's wrath by trying to implement a domestic-partner registry.

Not only will the registry send the city straight to the bowels of hell—it may also help employers wishing to offer domestic-partner benefits to their gay and lesbian employees avoid costly insurance scams. Predictibly, the godbags are all over it: It's been "Leviticus" this and "Adam and Steve" that all over the usual Internet discussion boards.

Now, not all Mormons are jerks. Most are nice folks and they make good neighbors. We love those Mormons.

It's the conservative Republican Mormons that give Mormons a bad name. These, especially, seem relieved that the registry issue came up; now they can talk about something other than how oppressed they are. The GOP's scorn and anti-Mormon bigotry brought down by Mitt Romney's presidential bid has been getting difficult for them to take.

When it comes to intolerance, Mormon Republicans have learned that it's much better to give than to receive. It's always easier to shepherd a flock when you have a wolf to point at—and, oh! what a big, bad wolf conservative Saints have in Salt Lake's gay community. The list of rationalizations for never giving the gays a break (followed by my comments) goes on and on:

The registry would violate Amendment 3.
When you wingers were drumming up support for that amendment, you assured us up and down that it was only about preserving the "sanctity" of Utah's marriage laws, and that it would never, couldn't ever, be used to deny gays things like health insurance. Don't tell me the antigay lobby would be so dishonest as to lie! Why, I'm shocked. Shocked!

Unscrupulous heterosexuals could get all Chuck & Larry on our asses, signing up for the registry even though they're not really gay.
Why, I suppose they could. To tell you the truth, it kind of makes me hot to think about it. But then I'm reminded of Adam Sandler which, of course, quickly cools me off.

Surely you're aware, though, that the registry isn't paying for anybody's health insurance. Employers who choose to offer domestic-partner benefits do so because people-friendly policies like this help them attract and retain a better class of employee.

That means, in order to carry off this hypothetical caper, your heterosexual friend will have to live a lie, pretending he's gay every day at work or risk being fired. Now, what an ironic twist that would make! I'm liking this registry more all the time.

Still, I don't know how many straight roommates would be willing to go through all that just so his pal can save 50 percent on out-of-network head injuries. Anybody who loves his "roommate" that much probably does qualify for the registry after all. Just keep it on the DL, wink wink.

Anyway, if you're so worried somebody's going to defraud the system, there's one simple remedy: allow gays to get married. After all, nobody ever abuses marriage laws just to get health insurance.

I don't care what you do in the privacy of your own home, but why should I, a fine, upstanding heterosexual with a family to feed, have to pay higher taxes just to support your perverted lifestyle?
Again, surely you're aware that the registry isn't paying for anybody's health insurance. How much do you think this program is going to cost? A few extra bucks for Post-It Notes so a faceless bureaucrat can scribble out, "Please give Steve's boyfriend health insurance. They really, really are sleeping together. [Signed] Steve's Mom."

As for the argument over who's paying higher taxes to support whose lifestyle, do you really want to get that one started, Mr. and Mrs. Full Quiver of Tax Write-Offs? The gays have been subsidizing your lifestyle for, like, ever--but do you hear us complaining about it? No. No, you don't. Not that we expected any thanks, mind you. Oh, no really, it's not necessary. Well, maybe some flowers once in awhile would be nice ... and would it hurt you to pick up a phone?

The government should support only policies that promote life; queerfolk don't have children.
Newsflash: Through painstaking research, and suffering many initial mishaps, the gays have finally figured out that arduous and complicated process by which children are conceived. And what an eye-opener that was! You poor things; would you like to sit down? Can I get you an iced tea?

In the event that the registry suddenly causes everybody to turn gay and Utah's astronomical birthrate plummets to a dangerous level--say, below that of a Third World country--we have an emergency contingency plan. The details are strictly on a need-to-know basis, but you'll be receiving your free turkey baster in six to eight weeks. (Please do not use it to baste a turkey. Further instructions will follow.)

The very idea of domestic partnerships devalues the institution of marriage.
That's what you said about same-sex marriage before you voted in an amendment making it even more illegal for us to get married than it already was--and that was pretty darned illegal. That's why we have to resort to weird contractual arrangements like "domestic partnerships" in the first place.

If you don't like the idea of domestic partnerships, then let us get married. If you just don't like the idea of gays in general, then tough titty.

It fulfills the prophecy that, in the Last Days, Salt Lake City will become one of the most wicked and perverse places on the face of the Earth.
Relax--we're nowhere near even the Top 10. Heck, compared to that little den of iniquity up north we like to call "Ogden," Salt Lake is Vatican City.

Aren't there more pressing issues for the mayor to deal with?
Probably. But, come on, he's been in office only a few days and already he's planted a tree and got you reactionaries all stirred up over a registry which not only doesn't exist yet, but is purely symbolic anyway.

As far as I'm concerned, he was born for the job. Not bad for a first week!

Being gay is a choice.
Not as much of a choice as being a right-wing Christian or a smug, self-righteous prick. And at least one of those lifestyles are protected under the EEOC.

I'm going down to register with my dog/cat/sheep/goat/sock monkey/balloon animal/etc.
Go right ahead. Let us know how that works out for you.

Gays are evil; homosexuality is a genetic disorder; you've all got STDs; you're all child molesters; you're all atheists; God hates fags.
Fuck right off.

(Brandon Burt)