Are you safe in bed?

... Well? Are you?

[Consumer Products] Every night, it's the same checklist: Did you check the closet? Did you look under the bed? Has your spouse always had that mole, in just that location? Is that toy clown on the rocking chair really just a toy clown? Oh, God, is it moving?

Could it be ... a terrorist?

If this reminds you of a typical night, the Quantum Sleeper is for you. The Quantum Sleeper's patented technology keeps you safe from all those monsters lurking in the--

--OK, I just can't do this chirpy, faux-ironic happy crap anymore. I'm just ... speechless. What is wrong with you people? Have you all gone insane?

Why the fuck would a terrorist be interested in gassing you, of all people? Is your smug existence in Daybreak--or whatever soul-deadening gated community built on hazardous waste you live in--really such a shining example of that happy and wholesome American way of life which supposedly is what makes the terrorists hate us?

Yeah, sure; they're just jealous, is all. It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that the terrorists have lived all their lives in some fucked-up, intolerant, ultrareligious society and that they're so gullible they actually listen to government flaks explaining why their country's economic competitors du jour are actually evil incarnate who must be destroyed at all costs, could it?

Kind of like the fucked-up, intolerant, ultrareligious, gullible society this one has turned into thanks in large part to your inability to control your irrational fears? Don't you see how the more you allow fear to control your life, the easier it makes people to pull your strings? It's how Rumsfeld & Co. successfully got us to acquiesce to an untenable war with no realistic exit strategy. It's also how hucksters can get rich selling A-bomb shelters, 72-hour kits and, now, apparently, anti-terror beds.

May the magical hand of the free market direct your discretionary income toward people who sell fear-based products like these: If you're that scared, it's probably all for the best that you've got a bed with a built-in "toiletry system."

(Brandon Burt)