Ain't Worth Two Bits

[Currency] The Utah quarter is coming! The Utah quarter is coming! Aren't you soiling yourself in anticipation?

The Utah Department of Who Gives a Shit -- excuse me, that would be Community and Culture -- sent out a press release today soliciting press registration for the "Utah Commemorative Quarter Launch" to be held 9 a.m. - 2 p.m. Friday at the Rio Grande Depot. That's right, you too can join Governor Huntsman, the director of the U.S. Mint and other dignitaries for five freaking hours to celebrate the fact that the homeless people on Main Street will now be soliciting change with a local connection. Oh, and we can also schedule interviews to find out how all of these very important people feel about this very important development.

Naturally, the local television newscasts will trip over themselves to report on this non-event, the way they dutifully report on everything where there is a ribbon to be cut or a photo to be opportunized. (Scott Renshaw)

Clinton's Cerebellum

[Clinton Speech] What a difference a brain makes.

That was the feeling I walked away with Sunday afternoon after hearing Bill Clinton on the stump for Hillary at the University of Utah Union Ballroom. Read the standard quote-paraphrase-quote-paraphrase daily newspaper coverage of the event here and here.

Unlike the current occupant of the White House, Clinton can form a full sentence without tripping over his tongue. But it gets better. The man can then form another sentence. And then another. Before you know it, you are actually hearing an entire stream of cogent, rational thought. One idea tracks to the next. And the next. Clinton even has the talent for outlining a speech, tossing out his main themes (by number, even! One, two and three!) and by then returning to each point, one at a time.

It's called oratory skill. The best presidents (think Lincoln, both of the Roosevelts, Kennedy and Clinton) have it. We've been tortured for seven straight years in listening to a president who sweats just trying to follow a noun with a verb.

Listening to Clinton was a day of auditory liberation. It was like V-J Day for the ears.

Beyond that, he left the crowd with this sobering thought: Whomever wins the race for president, in any era, "the only thing that matters is: Are things better when you left than when you started?' "

We still have 14 months to suffer under Bush and I think we have the answer, right? (Holly Mullen)

Did I Stutter?

[Yet More Voucher-ism] The latest orange flyer from VoteFor1.org to "Current Resident" features a couple of media quotes from Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr., this being the most troubling:

"I think vouchers should have been implemented on the day they they were designated to have been implemented."

They really do need better education in Utah, don't they they? (Bill Frost)

Unquiet Spirits at Log Haven

[Ghosts] "Incorporeal beings and historic building go together like Osso Buco and Barolo" ... this from the Log Haven staff who recently celebrated its ghosts-in-residence at a fall media dinner.

And it wasn't just a lonely bartender or solo janitor who told of ghostly tales. All of upper management--from owner Margo Provost to GM Ian Campbell to chef Kevin Donovan--testified to having seen inexplicable sights and hearing mysterious rumblings, even confessing that they sense someone is watching them. Campbell and Donovan both have seen a man dressed in chef's attire who was there one moment and gone the next.

Provost insists the ghosts are friendly, speculating they might linger from the era of the original L. F. Rains family who founded Log Haven. Provost went so far as to invite a medium to attend the dinner, a woman who could talk with the disembodied spirits, but the rumor had it the medium broke her leg on the day of the event. Hmmmm.

All this talk haunted servings of fine wine and seasonal appetizers and entrees as lights twinkled and diners basked in the warm glow of the fireplace in the log-encased dining room.

I would have let it go at that, but in speaking of the event with my editor Holly Mullen, she recalled a more recent night of infamy at Log Haven, a night in 1982 when Michael Patrick Moore, the then-GM of Log Haven under different management, who had overseen construction of the wedding gazebo and a restaurant waterfall, murdered two Log Haven employees, auditer Jordan Rasmussen and laundry delivery driver, Buddy Booth, outside the restaurant.

According to reports in both City Weekly and The Salt Lake Tribune, Moore went to prison to serve two life sentences, barely avoiding the death penalty. While in prison, to the surprise of many, he became a veritable success story and rose as a prison computer programmer. But he suffered a setback when he was suspected of abusing his Web privileges and was placed in a maximum-security cell where he hanged himself in 2000.

It's a fascinating story if you have time to read it.

So, if there truly are unexplained noises at Log Haven, perhaps three restless spirits from the 1980s are chiming in. (Jerre Wroble)

The Likely Lads

[International Affairs] So who knew Utah Jazz' back-up play-by-play announcer Steve Brown was a Brit? If you fancy a cuppa (Brit slang for a cup of tea), run into the renamed Union Jack (formerly British Pantry) and say hello to the TV sports celeb turned Anglo businessman.

He and a partner, fellow Lancashire lad Wayne Scholes took it over just three weeks after the previous owner, Brown says, was evicted for not paying his rent. Brown reports sales of cricket bats (to an executive VP at NBC no less) and rugby balls are going well, and adds the English food and sweet goodies will be in plentiful supply when their Christmas orders arrive.

The Union Jack can be found at 652 S. West Temple. You can't miss it for the double decker bus that's painted on the side and the rather tatty-looking flags jutting out of the sidewalk verge.

But regardless of the outside decor, it's nice to see that there's someone in SLC who understands the value of a cuppa, as opposed to those dreadful calorie-stuffed flavored coffees you Americans love to drink. (Stephen Dark)

Today's New Liquor Law

[Brew News] Beer distributors might have to make a special label just for the Beehive State, if the Utah Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission gets its way. A new proposed DABC rule gives new meaning to "Utah beer."

The federal government already sets standards for alcohol labels. But they aren't good enough for Utah, according to the DABC rule just released for public comment. One problem: Utahns apparently don’t understand “Lager” and “Stout” mean there is beer in a bottle.

Federal law requires labels to read “beer,” “alcoholic beverage” or “contains alcohol,” but also accept words like “ale.”

The issue came up after health officials complained to the DABC that energy drinks containing alcohol were being sold in grocery and convenience stores in bottles that made the drinks look like soda or tea.

Under the proposed Utah label rule, distributors of 3.2 percent beverages would submit labels to the DABC for review and approval. Only the words “beer” or “alcoholic beverage” are acceptable. The words must be in bold capital letters “a minimum of 3 millimeters wide and 3 millimeters high” running along the base of the bottle on a solid, contrasting background separated from any other information. Lastly, the label must state the amount of alcohol by volume or weight.

Aimed at new non-beer malt beverages appearing in grocery stores, the rule would apply to all malt beverages, including beer.

Understandably, the beer industry has concerns and wants to talk to the commission. A public hearing has been scheduled for Nov. 15. (Ted McDonough)

Where Have Mitt's Mitts Been, Anyway?

[Romney Watch] Our favorite pic of the week ...

Thanks for Thinking of Us

[Screw You Dept.] We just got invited to a Bill Clinton appearance where seats are no longer available...

News Release: President Bill Clinton To Headline Low-Dollar Fundraiser For Hillary In Salt Lake City Sunday

The Clinton Campaign today announced that former President Bill Clinton will attend a fund raiser in Salt Lake City (at the University of Utah Union Ballroom) on Sunday, Nov. 4, on behalf of Hillary Clinton for President.

The sold-out fund raiser will be held at the University of Utah’s Union Ballroom. Tickets started at $50.

Editor's Note: If it makes you feel better, you can e-mail Hillary's people and tell her Utahns are tired of being treated like shit on her shoe: press@hillaryclinton.com

(Holly Mullen)

Calling All Becker Stalkers

[Day's Work] This just in: It's Salt Lake City mayoral candidate Ralph Becker's Election Day Schedule!

For those of you just waiting to build your day around a honk and wave, here it is:

Election Day Itinerary for Ralph Becker

You are welcome to join Ralph for the day on November 6. He will be honking and waving, meeting voters, and working with the army of campaign volunteers to get out the vote on election day.

6:15 AM – Short interview on Channel 2

8:45-9:15 – Honk and wave, Foothill and Sunnyside

10-11 AM – Campaign headquarters to greet volunteers

11:30 AM – Interview on SLCC radio

12:15-1:15 – Campaign headquarters to greet volunteers

8:30 PM – Celebration at Squatters Brewpub

This itinerary is certain to change, given the vagaries of election day. Please contact me if you have at-the-moment questions about Ralph’s location and availability. Thank you.

David (Everitt)
campaign manager

(Holly Mullen)

Give Me Convenience or Give Me ...

[Wal-Merica] You've heard the radio ads pushing the vote to approve a Wal-Mart Supercenter in Heber City: "Vote for convenience." "It'll be great for the community." "I'm tired of driving so far away to do my shopping!"

Yeah. Here's the thing: You moved to Heber! On purpose! What the hell are you bitching about?

Then again, those probably aren't real people in the ads; they're more likely actors voicing the party line from the Boyer Company, the developers behind such folksy, distinctive projects as The Commons and The Gateway.

But hey, if the town votes for it, cool. The sooner every acre of the country looks the same, the better--and more convenient, of course. (Bill Frost)

This Red Light Brought to You By Red Bull

[Ads Gone Wild] Every time I think that America has run out of places to put advertising, I am proven wrong, wrong and oh-you-poor-naive-thing wrong. The guy who auctioned off his forehead as billboard space will seem positively quaint in another year.

Next time you park in the Gateway parking garage, take note of the diagonal lines between spaces. Yes, the dividing space between cars is now sponsored by Nationwide Auto Insurance -- so that when you swing that car door open too wide and ding your neighbor, you know exactly whom to call.

Because I never want to be surprised again, I challenge City Weekly blog readers to come up with the best marriage of as-yet-unsponsored-space in Utah and the corporate/business logo we'd be most likely to see there one day. The most creative idea may just win something from the piles of DVDs, books and other goodies in a certain editorial office. (Scott Renshaw)

Gimme a Break!

[Nightlife] I received a lot of grief this week for failing to attend a couple of apparently mind-blowing concerts. All this hassling has got me thinking: How many shows should a music critic attend in order to maintain "street cred."

When I first turned my love of music into a part-time then full-time career, I went to as many shows as I could track down. In San Diego, I lived at Canes. In Los Angeles, the Whisky and The Roxy. In SLC, I endured freezing temperatures at Kilby Court and stayed up all night to see the very last encore of whatever band turned me on. Then I got a little older. I discovered cable and Ace of Cakes. I moved in with my boyfriend and started saying things like "After IKEA, let's hit up Smith's" and "Let's just stay in."

Which leads us to the present. I still love live music. For many local bands, it's the best, if not only, way to experience them (like Subrosa tonight at Burt's). On any given weekend, you can find me at Urban, Burt's, Bar Deluxe, Monk's, etc., checking out great SLC acts. As for touring groups, I'm just a bit more selective about who I'll shell out dough for (yes, I usually have to pay for shows too). If only cake-master Geof Manthorn would come to town. The best of both worlds!



How many concerts do you see in a typical month?


(Jamie Gadette)

The Pusher Man

[Push Poll] Last night, unable to recognize the caller ID number on the phone, my old man took a chance and picked up on the second ring. Seems he stumbled right into a pro-voucher push poll (though it wasn't identified as such, we figured as much from the types of questions being asked).

For the uninitiated, a push poll is exactly what the name suggests: A series of leading questions an a topic designed to "push" the respondent into favoring the pollster's position. A push poll has no basis in political science. It isn't carefully worded to help elicit a thoughtful response as in a Gallup poll, or a Dan Jones poll. Unlike legitimate polls, pushers don't use a scientific sample of the population; they're only interested in pressing propaganda.

Liberals and conservatives use them, and they are a lousy way to do polls. So last night, sitting around as we do like a couple of booger-eatin' morons waiting for stupid telephone polls to interrupt us, the questions from the throaty recorded voice went like this:

Pollster: "Do you believe your children should have the best possible education?" My Old Man (gleefully pulling pollster's chain): "No."
Pollster: "Do you believe that parents should have some influence in their children's education?"
My Old Man: "Certainly not."
Pollster: "Do you believe that people who lack the financial means to send their children to private school should have a chance to do so?"
My Old Man: "Why hell no."

So that's how it went. Old Man hung up before the interview ended. We don't think we got pushed into anything, and we returned to the blissful state of being morons. Can't wait till this election is over. You? (Holly Mullen)

Would You Believe ... GodTube.com?

Oh, there's plenty more. (Bill Frost)

Stand Down!

[Homeless Vets] Rarely seen, heard or asked for their opinions, some of Salt Lake City's homeless will get a little love tomorrow.

Various veterans organizations are sponsoring a day of medical care and social service counseling for homeless vets.

Beginning at 7 a.m. a shuttle from the VA Medical Center near the University of Utah will pick up vets at The Road Home Shelter downtown, and return them there throughout the afternoon.

They're calling the event "Homeless Veterans Stand Down 2007." Services to be offered include eye exams; mental health and substance abuse counseling; dental exams; flu shots; and assistance with Social Security, employment issues and veterans benefits.

"We honor the men and women who have fought to keep us free," says the neatly folded red, white and blue flier that landed in my office mailbox.

Nice to see this population get a nod for Veterans Day.

And a damn good way to see tax dollars spent, too. (Holly Mullen)

Fred Phelps, Come on Down!

[News] Fred Phelps and Kansas' Westboro Baptist Church have been ordered to pay $10.9 million to the father of a dead, heterosexual Marine whose funeral was picketed by said true believers in the name of stopping America's tolerance of the gays (it makes sense if you're insane, uh, full of the spirit). It's about time the legal system caught up with late, great rockers I Can Lick Any Son of a Bitch In the House, who long ago said "Fuck Fred Phelps." Observe:



(Bill Frost)

Cheesecake for Dummies

[Food Pimpin'] Yes, we received a cheesecake, and each 5-inch-tall slice probably contained 1,000 calories. No joke.

Yes, we received numerous press releases about the grand opening, and we know a new restaurant with "cheesecake" in the name opens today in Fashion Place mall.

But does it merit a front-page teaser above the nameplate of yesterday's Salt Lake Tribune along with a full-blown article? (How many cheesecakes did they send the Trib, anyway?)

I guess all the hoopla can be explained by the quote from Commerce CRG retail specialist Darrell Tate: "It's almost like Utah has arrived--it has a Cheesecake Factory." Now that the Wasatch Front has 2 million people, we're suddenly worthy of worldly chains.

But what happened to Cheesecake Factory's Original Excuse of 2006? According to a KSL news report last year, the Cheesecake Factory was supposed to open in the Gateway (ground zero for Utah's upscale chains) and then changed its mind. Why? "These businesses prefer areas where at least 35 percent of the population has college degrees. Everyone assumed Utah would clear. To the dismay of even Gateway developers, we didn't come close, with just 28 percent."

We were too dumb a year ago, but now because there are so many of us, they can't resist taking lunch money from dummies?

That these restaurants, with their heaping plates of corporate designed and marketed food, thrive in Utah is a mystery, especially when you think about the humble home-cookin' origins from which many of these diners spring.

We know that Utah is the place for green Jell-O and potato casseroles. But pricey cheesecakes on steriods? And do we even care all that much, Salt Lake Tribune? (Jerre Wroble)

Desperate Anglo Seeks Plans for Nov. 5

[Brit Tradition] If you don't know, it's Bonfire Night aka Guy Fawkes night in the U.K, former colonies and wherever groups of alcohol-friendly Englishmen gather. This is when we Brits celebrate the foiling of the Gunpowder plot, when young Guy F. and a group of like-minded Catholics tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament. This celebration involves screaming "Penny for a guy" in the street next to a rag-tag doll sitting in someone's discarded pram. Money thus raised is then expended on fireworks. In the evening of the 5th, we have a bonfire on top of which sits poor Guy. And you cook potatoes in his metaphorical ashes. So ... any Brits out there with plans to do any of the above? I want to show my Anglo-American-Argentine kids a little of their father's tragic past. (Stephen Dark)

Rocky in NYC

[World of Rocky] It used to be the only thing people east of the Rockies knew about Utah was Mormonism. During the late 1990s, a Beehive State traveler might also get "Karl Malone," but that was about it. No more.

NYC limo driver: “Where you from?”
Me: “Utah.”
Driver: “You Mormon?”
Me: “No.”
Driver: “What’s the name of your mayor? Ah, yea. Rocky. (Lapses into a bad imitation of Anderson with a Dominican accent). ‘We’re not all *&%** Mormons in Utah.’ Yea, Rocky. He is known.”

More evidence, perhaps, to support speculation of Rocky as future minister of environment in a Hillary administration? (Ted McDonough)

Eh, Who Needs Writers Anyway

[Entertainment] Talks broke off last night between the Writers Guild of America and movie and television producers, meaning that the writers' contract has officially expired. A strike may be called as soon as Friday -- which doesn't mean much in the short term for film production, but could immediately shut down production of daily-deadline programming like late-night talk and comedy shows. The main sticking point in negotiations -- as it will likely be when the Directors' Guild contract also comes up soon -- is profit-sharing from DVDs, digital downloads and other newer media sources.

If the writers want to show that they're actually important, I hope at the very least that their picket signs are creative. (Scott Renshaw)