Dead Zephyr: Week 231

Bush Cozies Up to Pope

[Random's Humor] It would seem that the Northwest/Delta monstrosity isn't the only merger afoot. If pictures are worth a thousand words, well, this image seen on ABC News' website today gives "War and Peace" a run for it's money when it comes to word-count.


Maybe I'm just one of those panicky conspiracy-theorist types, but I'm not too keen on what seems to be going on here.

Cut to: White House Outdoors - Daytime
Scene: The Pope (Der Papst, if sprechen the Deutch), just lands on the West Lawn in a black helicopter. Like spilling out from an over-stuffed clown car, 16 armed "Agents" leap out of the chopper's opening, forming two parallel lines extending outward.
(Playing: Imperial March)

Der Papst: You have done well, Darth Bush. The Rebels are losing morale. Now is the time to strike.

Well... you could read the article I've linked above and fill in the blanks, or just trust me.

(David Alder)

Robot Chariots Of Fire!!!

The future is now, folks. Actually, it's on Thursday, April 17.

University of Utah's annual Design Day is upon us. During the event, sponsored by the Department of Mechanical Engineering, robots will race chariots and carry eggs! Oh, and human students will display some stuff that they made. But more importantly, the Robots Will Race!

If that weren't enough: "As always, stuffed toy cougars – the mascot of University of Utah rival Brigham Young University – will be hurled as far as possible by enthusiastic junior high school students."

Ha! Somebody please attend and report back.

(Jamie Gadette)

Mergerpalooza

News has hit the wire that Delta has become assimilated by Northwest Airlines as part of a $17 billion merger deal, creating the largest airline in the country. Anxious locals can now breath a sigh of relief knowing now that our hub won't disappear only to leave us trapped in Zion forever.

However, the larger implications ought to be troubling. In the last eight years of the dubya regime the pro-business, anti-regulation environment has spawned its own fair share of catastrophic blunders, from Crandall canyon to the head of FEMA being a former pony judge during one of our country's worst ever natural disasters. But the one which we might not really feel until well after Bush has left is how the environment for airline monopolies will affect flights' services and costs.

Certainly no one in Utah is upset that we've not lost Delta, but the flipside to keeping the hub with the ensuing Delta/Northwest merge, looks as if it might now be setting off a mergers domino effect. According to this article, Continental and United are now looking into a merger in order to compete against the new Delta/Northwest juggernaut.

Air line consolidation now seems to be a matter of survival during our times' current economic troubles, and this administration certainly won't object to such monopolies appearing, especially given the circumstances. It's just a wonder how fewer independents and more combines will affect your flight quality to come... I predict turbulence (Eric S. Peterson).

Are you a good parody or a bad parody?

[Geeks With Cameras] OK, I've decided I'm going to give this video a thumbs-up. After all, it is the U, and it is for cancer. And nobody wants to piss off cancer.

However, much more than the video I enjoyed the comments of the hot tipper who sent me the link: "At least the queer and queer-wannabe geeks who always wanted to try out for the drill team but were too afraid have somewhere to be themselves, before the end comes, which hopefully won't take too long." (Brandon Burt)

Why Sound

You might already know about this, but I just stumbled across a new (?) all-ages music venue in Logan. Why Sound is located on 30 Federal Avenue. Its current lineup features Utah-based artists including Phil Leffer (formerly of St. Boheme--remember those dudes?), Libbie Linton, Kid Theodore and Emme Packer. Brooklyn's Blood On The Wall hits the club April 26. If anyone gets out there before I do, holla.

(Jamie Gadette)

They Still Make Newspapers?

[TV] Hard to believe a docu-soap set behind the scenes of a high school newspaper--Cyprus Bay High School’s The Circuit, in this case--would be remotely interesting, but The Paper wins entertainment points for hyper-earnestness (“Journalism is the most important job in the world!”) and WTF? hyperbole (“This is the Vietnam of newspapers!”). The latter refers to the epic, tearful battle to become The Circuit’s editor-in-chief, a job these teens should later learn, if the newspaper industry still exists by then, no one wants. Super-serious.

The Paper debuts tonight on MTV, and it's exactly the way things are behind the scenes at City Weekly--here's a taste:



(Bill Frost)

Still Ain't Equal But Still Causing Trouble

While the last legislative session may have quietly swept Rep. Christine Johnson's (D-Salt Lake) employment-nondiscrimination for the LGBT into the interim, Utah's queer and trans community are still taking the fight to the next level. Ariana Losco, who was the subject of City Weekly's Jan. 24 cover has had her story of employment equality struggles taken to the national LGBT issues mag Advocate.com. Check out the follow-up here.

Hopefully we'll see the dialogue continue to open up on this issue through the interim and onto '09.(Eric S. Peterson)

Local Band to Watch: The Devil Whale

I drove up to Provo on Saturday, my first visit to the Utah County town in years. That's right. I'm coming clean: it was my first time at Velour, Corey Fox's awesome all-ages venue which always books great touring acts and local bands on a routine basis. And while it certainly takes more energy to get there than does a trip to my neighborhood stomping grounds it's definitely worth the drive.

It's another world out there, in many respects. One: the main drag is actually "walkable," a quality that SLC planners strive for but only achieve in fits and starts thanks to zoning restrictions and SUV-drivin' policy makers. Two: a show at Velour is not just an excuse to go out--it is an Event! We showed up at 7:30 p.m. (obligatory disclosure: my boyfriend Charlie recently joined Band of Annuals who opened for The Devil Whale along with Seattle's Matt Hopper--he is playing tonight at W Lounge and again on Friday at Slowtrain as part of Gallery Stroll) and people were already lined up outside waiting for doors to open at 8:30 p.m. We waited in a back room reminscent of my high school bedroom and dorm room, a dimly lit space with walls covered floor to ceiling in retro record covers.

Matt Hopper went first and played to a packed audience, a relatively unheard of treat in SLC where people accustomed to downtown bar time often miss the opening act. By the time BOA went on, the crowd was rowdy--and most of them were sober! It's been a while since I witnessed concert-goers going ga-ga for a local band, singing along to every word and--some--downright salivating over the pedal-steel player. We had to leave before The Devil Whale performed to get to Urban Lounge for Why? (who packed in more than 350! people) and Ted Dancin', but I found footage from the Velour show. The band's maiden voyage (promoting their stunning new release Like Paraders) featured Seattle-based musicians who played on the record and who made the long 14-hour trip down to back their Utah comrades. Producer Shawn Simmons was also on hand. Check out his roster online.

The Devil Whale plays a second CD release show at Kilby Court on Saturday. Here's a taste of what you'll hear/see:


(Jamie Gadette)

New World Odor

[Music] Strobe lights can make anything seem more exciting than it might actually be. Like the Ministry concert at In the Venue last Friday night--early evening, really, since showtime was 8 p.m. and cursed sunlight was bleeding in.

No amount of sun could detract from the strobes, though--those suckers were cranked for two solid hours while Al Jourgensen & Co. goose-stepped through the catalogue of Ministry hits. Al rarely strayed from his ornate cow-skull mic stand, which propped him up center-stage. While the boss was underplaying it, guitarist Tommy Victor (Prong) pranced and posed like a odd cross between Kiss' Paul Stanley and a WWE rassler, prompting the crowd to get those hands up every 10 seconds. He even got around to playing his guitar a couple of times, the multitasker.

Still, Ministry was absolutely on fire when they ripped into songs like "So What," "Thieves" and "Rio Grande Blood," the title track of what's arguably the band's last great album (The Last Sucker is well-named, and the new Cover Up is pure filler). All that hate for Dubya does a band good.

Reaching back to '91 and Bush 1, Fear Factory singer Burton Bell (fresh from hitting on ladies in the audience and pulling the "Don't You Know Who I Am?" card, by first-hand reports) took the lead on "New World Order" while Al strummed a coffin guitar to the side. It was another sonically brutal moment, of which there were enough to outweigh the phone-it-in feel of the newer numbers--Ministry has nothing to prove, but they did anyway.

But encoring with "Roadhouse Blues" and "Just Got Paid" from Cover Up? Dick move, Al. Not quite Dick Cheney, though ... (Bill Frost)

Bret Michaels Rocked My World

[Music-ish] For those of you that have so viciously killed your televisions, you may not be aware of VH1's Rock of Love. I have a theory that there is this island called Skanktopia, and that is where all the reality show hussies with one too many I’s or E’s in their names are patiently awaiting the day until they are plucked to drunkenly stumble around in front of millions of viewers in order to vie for the affection of someone. Anyone. Well, on Rock of Love, this someone is the bandana’d bandit, Bret Michaels, leader of hair metal band Poison.

The reality television show is one of few such programs to make me laugh with genuine hysteria. The best part about the show, is the perhaps unintentional humor. I can’t figure out if these people are real human beings, or if they were placed on this planet merely to amuse us obsessive TV viewers. I don’t have to hide out in my room shamefully watching it in the dark either! There are others that follow it every week and we either watch it together or discuss it the following day.

So when I heard that Bret Michaels was coming to Utah in all of his guy-linered glory to support his Rock of Love tour, it was on, as Jessica from the show would say, "like Donkey Kong." Also, I wanted to go and just see who genuinely wanted a piece of Bret.

Now where could we house such an amazing spectacle? Club 90 in Sandy of course! Hey-O! It’s just too bad that all of my tassled jackets and bandanas were in storage and my hair was too short to tease. No worries, I headed out there on Sunday, April 13, and prepared myself for some serious butt-rock.

There was a slight scheduling conflict. See, this was the season finale of Rock of Love, and Bret was to be playing on stage when the climatic episode aired. Fortunately, Club 90 had about 10 different sets airing Rock of Love when I walked in.

Club 90 is massive. At first when the television commercial I saw noting that this tour was coming threatened in a deep masculine voice that “THIS SHOW WILL SELL OUT” I laughed a bit. I stopped laughing when we arrived. There was one parking spot left in the very back, and everyone was at this show.

The people working the door, my adorable sweet waitress, and the bar staff there are to be commended. They were so nice and accommodating that this alone made my night. The concert goers had tunnel vision. They were there for Bret and nothing it seemed would stand in their way of viewing him on stage. I asked one gentleman if I could borrow his bar stool for a moment for some quick photos and he quickly obliged. He either didn’t hear me or just wanted to get me in trouble with Bret’s skank army, because before I knew it I was being glowered at by a girl who bruskly informed me that was Her Chair. I smiled and apologized, but the only thing I got in return was her pushing it under the table and dancing in front of it. Some people’s parents do not teach their kids to share, and I was not about to be the one to explain it to her so inched away.

Bret came onstage before a shoulder-sitting, lighter-holding, girly-screaming crowd absolutely wild for him. He gave us some “Sweet Home Alabama,” since it was the first CD he “borrowed” from Sears, “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door," "Look at What The Cat Dragged In," the ever so serenadeable “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and a little “Somethin’ To Believe In.”

Rock of Love was airing throughout Bret's set, and it was imperative for me to know who he picked at the end of the show. I moved into the pool room and listened to him rock out. The show wrapped as he finished his set (SPOILER ALERT: Ew, he picked Ambre. I would have lost a bet on this one). I wandered back into the main room hoping I might bask in Bret's presence and, maybe, snag a leg-humping photo op. Alas, he was nowhere to be found.

I did, however, spot something akin to a Yeti, though I was unable to get a photo: Bodyguard Big John. These boobs weren’t made for talkin’, so I silently squealed and made my way into the parking lot, knowing that when I go to bed tonight I can do so with visions of Bret and Big John dancing in my head. (Dominique LaJeunesse)

Get Stakerized: The Awkward Hour

City Weekly contributer Brian Staker has gone and got himself a podcast. It takes a lot of free time and energy to produce one of these things, so why not stop by and listen. Maybe offer a bit of feedback. Remember, keyword Awkward.

(Jamie Gadette)

Rock Of Interview

Did you hear the sound of glass being shattered on a hard surface on Tuesday? That ... was the sound of my heart breaking against a rock of love since Bret Michaels' media & marketing director is a Rock Tease. Michaels is appearing at Club 90 on Sunday, April 13 and I'd hoped to pick his massive brain. But the director didn't come through. Not a phone call back after three lengthy conversations. Just a wasted day off and a few sighs of sorrow erupting from my inversion-clogged lungs.

Luckily Conor Dow from the Foundation To Help Shattered Self Esteems When Interviews With Famous People That Are Way Busier and Way More Rich Than You intervened moments before I was fully awash with grief, and donated his services to collaborate with me on what an interview with the reality TV star would have been like. I would like to send thanks to Conor for his help on this project, which is about as real as Rock of Love:

Q: Do you believe that every time you play Every Rose Has Its Thorn a stripper earns her wings?

BM: Two things I am looking forward to in the future. Flying cars, and flying strippers.

Q: Your bandanas have captured the heart of America. Would you consider licensing them and then naming one after me because I thought of it first?

BM: Actually, while fighting Ed Hardy in the makeshift UFC ring he has in his backyard, he asked me the exact same thing. So we're striking up a deal to make Ed Hardy / Bret Michaels headbands

Q: When you get women on the show without eyebrows are you ever tempted to lick your finger and smudge them off?

BM: Absolutely not, you should see the imprinted eyebrow collection left behind on my stomach after a tryst or two.

Q: Can you rent out Big John [bodyguard] to me I need him for when the going gets tough and I don't feel like dealing with the going gets tough.

BM: Big John is a myth. He is a collective figment of a Reality TV watcher’s imagination.

Q: So the women on your show have to go through challenges to win a date with you. Have you considered maybe upping the ante? Maybe having the girls eat a camel spider or wrestle a grizzly bear to vie for your affection?

BM: For a while I tried to convince the producers to let me have them fight with hatchets. The idea started out actually as having them combat each other in a twisted game of wits, but the contestants on the show are usually... fresh out of wit. So hatchets was the logical choice after that. I figure why not dope two women up on PCP and make them go "My Side of the Mountain" on each other until there is only one standing?

Q: What is the difference between each of these things you say? "Hey-Yo!" "Hi-Yo!" and "Hay-Lo!"

BM: Hey-Yo is is an old German phrase that means "What's up, how's it going?" Hi-Yo is an old Japanese exclamation specifically to be used when a girl is taking her shirt of or dancing seductively on a bar or pole. Hay-Lo, well, I don't want to talk about it, it brings back bad memories.

Q: I have seen you kiss multiple skanks within seconds of each other, girls that are crying, and one directly after eating breakfast. Is there anything you gotta admit, that really kinda doesn't turn you on?

BM: Probably a camel spider wrestling a grizzly bear....actually...that kind of turns me on too. Nope nothing really doesn't not turn me on.

Q: Do you consider the stripper (er exotic dancer) couture that the women wear on the show as your first choice of how a lady should dress all of the time?

BM: Women...dress...different than that?

Q: When you get a female on your show who says she is in a band, and her band really sucks, do you have the nerve to tell her?

BM: I generally do, unless her band is Clay Aiken, because when he sings "Invisible", it takes me to a whole different plane of existence.

Q: Does your heart sink or swell when a girl after your heart tells you she is a dancer? Because we know she does not mean go-go dancer.

BM: My heart swells until they all tell me they don't know what "Troika" is. If only I could go back to the time when Poison was touring in Russia. I met a girl named Olga and she performed the Ðîññèéñêàÿ êîðçèíû ïëåòóò for me.

Q: Speaking of Daisy, would you have nothing to do with a girl that has hooked up with a former band mate, or will you still go after her groupied out soul?

BM: Well, I have this thing called the Big Bang Theory...

Q: What brand of guyliner do you wear? It doesn't run, and I think you should market that too, so the crying girls on the show can wear it.

BM: I am not at liberty to discuss the brand yet, it is still in development, but I can tell you the shade and that is Cry Tough. It will be a cryliner line that we are coming out with soon

Q: Will you fire your marketer please? I am better than her.

BM: I fully agree. You seem like the type of person that would actually call people back when you say you will. But you also seem like you have a soul, so I don't think marketing is for you.

Q: Women seem to be disturbingly attracted to you? Ever consider getting a pimp cane?

BM: Oh I have one. You don't see this, but on the cut footage of the show I smack the girls' shins with it when they get out of hand. That may be the real reason they don't misbehave in front of me. Then I tell them to get out there and make me some money.

Q: The end of the show always results in strong feelings for three different women. Ever consider resolving that dilemma by moving to Utah and converting to Polygamy? There should be some ranches opening up soon.

[Brett interjects]

BM: Are you going to ask me any questions about my band?

Q: You’re in a band?

(Dominique LaJeunesse)

Uh, Rats

[Vermin News] We have a rat invasion. In our yard.

I invited it. I hung bird feeders over the winter and filled them with black-oil sunflower seed. I would occasionally see a rat running out from a snowbank, grabbing a seed, then disappear. Of course I knew there is no such thing as just one rat.

But I had no idea. With the snow melt, the rats are having their own karaoke party in and around our driveway.

Maxine, our 80-year-old neighbor, called last night to tell us she sees the rats--six or more at a time--feasting on seeds the birds drop from the feeder.

I saw a pack of them for the first time this morning, when I drove in to the driveway. I would have taken their picture to share on the blog, but these are urban rats. They move fast. They ran under the shed beside the garage. Maxine thinks they are nesting there.

We really don't despise the rats. I rather like our yard feeling like a Beatrix Potter book. Surely the rats have a purpose. The circle of life, you know? But I sense the neighbors are gathering momentum and will soon, um, rat us out to the health department for creating a nuisance.

Also, the neighbors are a fountain of extermination advice. One says we should put out traps near the shed. Oh, and there's poison...mix it into dog food, they say, and slide it under the shed.

None sound like good options. Anyone? [Holly Mullen]

Want Me Back?

[Vox Populi] Today's top letter to the editor...[Holly Mullen]

Ditto Ditto

OK. This is kind of strange, but probably only to music geeks like myself (plus, it's early, so bright flashing lights are hypnotic). I caught a clip of UK recording artist Duffy on MTV this morning and was immediately struck by how similar her voice and perhaps more so her dance moves are to Gossip front woman Beth Ditto's. She looks like a skinny, blonde version of the buxom US punk-soul singer. Here's the weird part: the US version of the video highlights Duffy's Ditto style (albeit watered down), the UK version not so much. Are they trying to market a watered down, skinny blonde Ditto prototype to Americans? Then again, Ditto is making waves in the New York fashion world, so maybe Duffy is just a sign that genuinely powerful singers are regaining power in this Idol-obsessed world?

Check it for yourself

UK Duffy video:


US Duffy video:


Gossip live video:


(Jamie Gadette)

Sweet Spirits

[Polygamy Fallout] The plyg raid at El-do-RAY-do drove home the fact that most polygamists, unfortunately, aren't as hot as Bill Paxton and Chloë Sevigny. Or Mary Kay Place, for that matter.

In fact, remembering back to the Tom Green case, it seems he got reasonably lucky playing the wife lottery, considering the poofy-haired alternatives.

But not as lucky as Jesus, apparently. Anybody remember this pic from--I don't know, Sunday School? (Where do these pictures come from? I just know that this one seems familiar, as if I had seen it several times in childhood.) Really it's beautifully done, if a little hokey.

At the time, I think we all figured those hotties hanging on his every word were "disciples"--but, now, it's only too obvious what's really going on.

Obviously, Wife 1 is the willowy blue-sashed number standing behind, saying, "OK, that's enough now, Jesus. Let's go home." That red-sashed pumpkin on the right appears to have spotted something amusing happening just to the left of the frame, but we can see what he's in the mood for. Brunette? Pink sash? Mmm-hmmm. (Brandon Burt)

The City At Random...

[Intro] Simultaneously winning "Best Mini-Docs" in Utah and being adopted as the "online video content provider" (read: digital step-child) for the best damn alt-weekly on the planet was too good to be true. To celebrate, my team and I took full advantage of the free bar at the Port-O-Call party City Weekly threw this last Friday. If you happened to be there, you might've seen the yahoo in a green hoodie circling the buffet table and later making a jackass out of himself on karaoke... that was me. (I owe you beer, Loren).

You may already have heard of us. X96 caught wind of SLC Random last September and pulled us into doing a documentary for the Big Ass Show the following month. In a mere 6 days we edited 8 hours' worth of footage down to a 36-minute rockumentary... but not without collectively consuming enough Red Bull to turn God herself into an insomniac.



We love Salt Lake City the same way Woody Allen loves Manhattan. It's because of this love that in February of 2007 we gathered our courage and approached Bill Frost about the little video projects we had been working on and our idea for a documentary podcast series. After much finagling and a few hands of poker, we were finally able to coerce Mr. Frost to let SLC Random share with all of you, dear CW readers, our particular vision of the city.

There are plenty of amazing stories in the valley. Too many for the over-worked (and underpaid?) staff of CW to cover each week. We want to pick up the slack by focusing on the unseen random things that make up our community. How many of us have heard the story behind the man who rolls around the Gateway in his motorized wheelchair filling the air with bubbles? Who knows about a local chef who hosts a weekly Sunday dinner in his Pioneer-era home... for free? Or, who's familiar with a writer who's single-handedly bringing back text-adventure computer games, much to the cheers of the visually impaired?

It's stories like these that SLC Random intends to cover in short, 3-5 minute documentaries that will be posted on the City Weekly website. Anything and everything from local events, humanitarian causes, personal interest stories about artists, nut-jobs, politicians, raconteurs, fashionistas, acrobatic acts and religious zealots--all the quirky things that, when put together, make the whole of Salt Lake as weird as it is.

As we're still gaining momentum, and we're new at the whole "business structure" thing, we'll be updating fairly irregularly - at least until we've gotten more equipment and some fund-age to operate on. (Hint, hint!)

In the meantime, keep checking back at SLCRandom.com for more info. There you'll find links to our Myspace and YouTube pages... our very humble beginnings.

Questions, complaints, suggestions, donations and ideas are whole-heartedly accepted. Just email us at casebusters@slcrandom.com

Here's to you, Salt Lake! *Raises beer mug* (SLC Random Team)

Breaking Legal Ground?

[FLDS Raid] The towns of Eldorado and San Angelo, Tex., are swarming with reporters after state authorities last week swept into the YFZ Ranch and removed 416 children of FLDS polygamists.

One of the best analysis pieces I've seen yet came last night on KSL television. John Hollenhorst reported that Texas law enforcement and social service authorities are fully aware of the grand scale of this child protection action--the largest ever in Texas. They're doing so because, based on interviews with children so far and other evidence sought through detailed search warrants, authorities believe the entire FLDS culture thrives--exists, even--on a foundation of routinely abusing children.

The theory is this: Young girls are taught from the cradle to submit to the demands of their husbands. Their marriages are arranged, and typically, a much-older husband "grooms" the young girl from an early age for his sexual gratification. FLDS boys don't fare much better. They learn from childhood to use girls and women in the same manner as their fathers and other men they are taught to emulate.

Texas officials have hopes of rooting out child abuse that is deeply ingrained within FLDS culture. It will be a huge legal challenge; as of this moment, attorneys for several of the men at the Eldorado compound are arguing their civil rights were violated during the raid and continue to be ignored. Read Hollenhorst's intriguing take on the legal maneuvering here.

What do you think? Is the Texas approach to breaking down an entire culture appropriate? Does it make legal sense? Is the FLDS system so morally bankrupt it should be eradicated?

(Holly Mullen)

Skybridge to Heaven

[New-ish] So, who thought the downtown skybridge wouldn't pass? Anyone? Anyone? Yes, it was just pins-n-needles waiting for the evening TV news last night: "After we get done beating this polygamist sect story into the ground, we'll tell you how the big skybridge vote went--but not until we analyze the results of tonight's American Idol/Dancing With the Stars/Biggest Loser/Big Brother!"

What was surprising, besides one councilman blubbering over a mall, was another councilman's concern about The Gateway: "I don't subscribe to the point of view that this will not harm Gateway or that in fact it may be positive," said J.T. Martin, who voted for the skybridge. "I think it's going to affect it quite a bit. It will be interesting to see what Gateway becomes."

Like, say, an overpriced beige strip mall that bakes in the summer and freezes in the winter? We're already there--can't wait till they build some more all over the valley. (Bill Frost)