Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em

...when you take the stage with Vanilla Ice!!! That's right folks, I'm a little late to the news-flash party but a Feb. 27 MC Hammer/Vanilla Ice gig scheduled to go down at the McKay Events Center. I think it's part of the Get My Ass Out Of Debt tour. Local band/Portia Early favorite Love You Long Time is also scheduled to appear. Expected attendees include that kid who sat next to you in 7th grade science and everyone with a soft spot for 80s kitsch, er, serious art.


(Jamie Gadette)

Think Of The Children

Last night, my friend Greg introduced me to a near-mythic, horribly misguided educational video. Shot in various locales around NYC circa 1989, Creating Rem Lazar is designed to teach children about ... well, I'm actually not sure what it's trying to say. Something about friendship and authority and fucked up dreams. It's pretty far out and completely innapropriate in a creepy Uncle Ernie kind of way. Basic plot: Two kids/daydreamers do some voodoo on a mannequin, bring to life their shared superhero Rem Lazar, go on a trip to the city to battle the evil Vorak (awesome late 80s computer graphic employed) where they search for Rem's Quixotic Medallion in the highest places (eerie shot of the World Trade Centers makes me think the filmmaker were not only hiiiigh but also prohetic? Think on it). The film blew my mind. Now I'm wondering if anyone saw Rem Lazar in elementary school? I can only imagine the effect something like this might have on the young psyche. Anyone?


(Jamie Gadette)

Another Sign I'm Getting Old: '80s Nostalgia

[The Good Old Maze] I think I may actually know the tunnels this art thief apparently used to make his/her getaway.

You see, back in the olden days, before we knew that practically everybody is a terrorist, we were able to go pretty much wherever we liked without risk of being thrown in Guantanamo Bay. For teenagers in the '80s, downtown Salt Lake City was full of all kinds of strange, out-of-the-way places to explore. (Occasionally, an adult might say, "Hey, you kids! Get outta here before I call the cops!" but on the other hand, there was very little risk of being waterboarded.)

Crossroads Plaza, rest its soul, was riddled with secret passageways. One, which led from the third level near Belezza to the roof, was often packed with mall Christmas decorations out of season and was a good place to torch a spliff--or so I've heard. Many were good shortcuts for getting from Point A to Point B. I was surprised when some other mall rat showed me a tunnel that led from Nordstrom Cafe to Weinstock's Cafe. (That was a very special day, the two cafes being major gravitational focii of our indolent little orbits; I never found it again.)

ZCMI Mall had its share of secret passageways, too; for some reason, I'm thinking the one that may have been used in the art theft was part of a system accessible from an elevator near the mall's Main Street entrance. It jogged around and ran quite some distance before ending up at some loading docks.

Later, when paranoia destroyed the country, a key-card system was probably installed, but in the '80s, all you had to do in order to go just about anywhere was to act purposeful and nonchalant. And nobody dreamed of stealing Mormon art then. I suppose it was an ideal time for all of us.

(Actually, I kind of like Christensen's whimsical art; it just seems it would be more at home at the Golden Braid than at Deseret Book. On the other hand, I always thought Mary Engelbreit would be more at home at Deseret Book than at Golden Braid, so what do I know?)

We were convinced that, if we explored enough, we'd eventually discover the fabled network of underground tunnels connecting the LDS Temple, Zion's Bank, the Capitol Building, Hotel Utah and the COB. We never did--and I realize now that, even in those days, with our shabby clothes and weird hair, guys in suits would have nabbed us before we came anywhere near it--but there was still something exciting, transgressive and adventurous about the whole thing. It was good, innocent fun.

To this day, I'm fascinated by the hidden parts of things--the parts we're not supposed to see. It's clear there's very little of solid, genuine value in the manmade world other than pure things like art and mathematics. And really good towels.

Everything else is a facade--and, these days, the facades aren't even that good--check the tatty material they made The Gateway out of. And then imagine the whole thing riddled through with cheaply built, fluorescent-lit utility tunnels that are uglier than any DMV waiting room.

I'll bet the gigantic mall that is replacing ZCMI/Crossroads will be locked down tighter than a Relief Society president's Tupperware collection, and kids probably won't be allowed to hang out there anyway unless they're spending money. Who knows? Maybe the next generation will buy this corporate illusion and think it's all real.

Maybe they'll be happier. (Brandon Burt)

Never Gonna Give You Up

[Music-ish] The other day I unwittingly stumbled upon this, which turned out to be much more than just a clever joke perpetuated by one source. With a little research I discovered the hoax is actually fairly well known (at least among those who are always down for random hilarity to ensue). Have any new pop cultural trends/phenomenon recently made their way into your vernacular/awareness? (Jamie Gadette)