A Letter From Mr. Saltas

This e-mail from City Weekly honcho John Saltas to MediaOne (Newspaper Agency Corp, which publishes fake SLC weekly In This Week) CEO Brent Low was intercepted earlier today. The impetus? A stunningly loose-with-the-facts ad in The Salt Lake Tribune about In's "exploding" numbers. Please to enjoy ...

Hi Brent,

I meant to do this a while back and of course got busy, but my sincere thanks for meeting me at breakfast at Market Street. Breaking bread with the head of MediaOne/NAC is a great opportunity and I'm happy our mutual friend was able to finally get us together. I had a nice time and hope you did as well. Perhaps it was the start of a great relationship between MediaOne and City Weekly.

I am wondering though, if you feel you got to know me well enough to give me a good deal on advertising in the Tribune (I'd prefer in this case to purchase just the Tribune, basically fearing the Deseret News might balk at my money the same way they supposedly balk at nudie ads in In).

Yesterday I saw the ad for In Utah This Week (page C2, March 27, Tribune Money Section) stating that in just 5 months In Utah has eroded the readership of City Weekly by 20%. The ad says In Utah has already attained over half of City Weekly readership and backs up that statement with several targeted Media Audit claims. Among those claims is that In Utah has more readers than City Weekly who intend to buy a bed/mattress in the next 12 months.

Well, numbers don't lie, and I certainly understand the relevancy of that category! Particularly for a lively entertainment publication claiming 82,000 young bodies ready to get up and GO! But, I know when I'm licked and concede that In Utah has more sleepers than City Weekly. Not to mention it scares me to death to wonder where those folks are sleeping currently.

Here's what I'm asking: How about you sell us a 1/4 page space in that same Money section so we can have an opportunity to retort? It's only fair. I've looked at Media Audit up and down. Therefore, I also think it would be, correct of you to base our rate on the readership claims of Media Audit comparing City Weekly to the weekday Tribune. We come out on a weekday.

What I'd like to say in the ad is basically (stealing from the NAC riff--damn, why didn't we think of that!), that in just 15 years, City Weekly has surpassed every section of the 136-year-old Salt Lake Tribune in CUME readership except for Section One. That's worthy of an ad, don't you agree? I mean, 121-year head start and we passed them up! You can check these numbers yourself, but according to the same Media Audit cited in yesterday's ad, City Weekly has 154,000 CUME readers. Meanwhile the section breakdowns of the Tribune are as follows for CUME readership: Section One, 220,000; Sports, 123,300; Food, 105,000; Business, 103,900, Life, 83,000 and Movies, 80,600.

CUME numbers mostly impress young reps and rookie managers and are a crock when used to purposely mislead as the In Utah folks did in yesterday's ad. But, since they put those CUME numbers on the table (rather than the more honest "Most Often" ratings), we'll go with them. This studying has done me some good, because now I've also come to better understand from these Media Audit numbers that most people don't read each section of the morning paper. Who knew? But Tribune rates don't reflect that. Why?

My proposition:

I think we can both agree that the Tribune full rate is not a good value. I don't know your rates exactly. But, I know our own rates. For example, a quarter page in City Weekly is going to set me back around $500 or so, with a friendly discount, like the one I hope you offer me. And why wouldn't you? City Weekly has more reach than the Money section of the Tribune (are the Money Section and the Business Section one and the same? If so, that puts it at 103,900 CUME readership, or around 30% less than City Weekly). Given the readership disparity using the CUME numbers the folks at In seem to prefer, I don't feel I should pay full Tribune rate since I can't reach the full Tribune readership with just an ad in the Money section.

How about you let me into the Tribune for at least 30% off the City Weekly rate, or around $300 or so for a 1/4 page Black and White ad, and we call it a day? If you'd rather, we can also use the Most Often Ratings to find a fair value--didn't those In folks even check them? I mean, sheez, according to that very same Media Audit, they're generating only 26,000 readers per week with 65,000 papers on the street! Unreal!! City Weekly has over 95,000 weekly readers with "only" 60,000 papers on the street according to that very same Media Audit btw. I guess that more truthful statistic wouldn't have made for such a dramatic ad, eh?

What say we meet again for breakfast and finalize this number? I can cut Dean a check as soon as you give the go-ahead. If you can provide the specs, I'd also prefer that our own production staff design and build that ad.

Looking forward to our next meeting and of course, looking forward to hearing back on this offer.

Best and Happy Easter,
John Saltas

Dick x 8

THE OCHO Eight possible speech highlights when Vice President Dick Cheney appears at Brigham Young University’s graduation ceremony next month:

8. “I salute you, the next generation of cannon fodder, uh, scholars.”

7. “I’m not saying that the sooner you befriend some brain-dead stooge in a frat, the sooner you’ll become a global puppet master, but …”

6. “You don’t get cable and that Daily Show here in Provo, right? Just checking.”

5. “I’m saddened to hear of the assassination of Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson … [checks earpiece] … Sorry, never mind. Jumped the gun, heh-heh.”

4. “I’ll be signing 8x10s and Halliburton recommendations in the lobby after the speech.”

3. “Heart attacks? They’re nothing. Just had one right there. And another. No biggie.”

2. “The term ‘shadow government’ is distasteful; I prefer ‘highly-empowered AV club.’”

1. “Back when I played the Penguin on the old Batman TV series …”

(Bill Frost)

St. Boheme's SXSW Recap

Austin TX, March 14 -18 2007 SXSW was just as it had been described to us: Austin on meth. At any time of the year, Austin boasts top notch acts, but during SXSW Austin goes through some dramatic hormonal changes. Being the simple small town Utah boys that we are, the overwhelming sights and sounds of SXSW left us reeling and spinning in a futile attempt to take it all in. If it will help you with the imagery, picture the colors and noise of Marti Gras or Carnival. With over fourteen hundred bands from around the would, the streets looked like the mad spawning of rock & roll salmon, or the mayhem on the floor of Wall Street with a pounding punk beat driving everyone into a foaming frenzy.

Did SXSW humble us? Yes…well, sort of. We felt very small and faceless coming from the quiet homogeny of Utah. We also noticed immediately the prodigious pomp and pageantry of the endless fledgling rock stars that filled the streets. How were we to feel unique in this steaming sea of stardom? Well, we didn't right away. It took days of listening to great and lousy music and sampling the entire visual palette of rock star outfits to realize that in Austin, everyone claims the eclectic crown.

All that was left was mom's lesson: 'you're special because you're you…' and that was our first acumen. If you're interested, I will take you day by day through what we experienced. Let's start by fast forwarding through the flight and hotel check in all the way to the line to get our event badges. Wednesday night we stood amongst the lambs and wolves waiting for that long long line to take us to badge booth. Once we had our very expensive very green badges, we mapped a quick line to the Hilton Ballroom where The Who's Pete Townsend was interviewed. Mr. Townsend touched on the importance of keeping art as art, the trend of music towards a digitally compressed and lackluster sound, and his idea in the '70s of starting an 'internet' with which and artist could compose a musical portrait of a subject much like a painter capturing the same subject in paint.

After Mr. Townsend's words, we left the conference center and followed the flow of event goers to the infamous 6th street. Now 6th street- if you've never seen nor heard of it- is five or six city blocks long with bar after bar after bar after bar. I tried to imagine this place empty of people and noise and what came to mind was an image just like a photographic negative where black is white and green is red but no matter how I tried, the people and noise were inextricable. We were ants among innumerable other swarming ants with no queen and no director. We wandered in and out of holes and bars, up and down streets in search of that sweet sound on some stage somewhere inside some establishment. This first night, we ventured off with no plan. We would poke in and out of places hoping to stumble into something satisfying. We found ourselves dependant on each other, not yet comfortable enough in this new atmosphere to go our own ways.

That night's music disappointed, so using our exhaustion as an excuse to head back to the hotel, we shuttled back and rested up for three days of partying.

Day two. I'm going to break the chronology a bit and start with one of the highlights of day two. Slash. That's right, the top hat, the aviator sunglasses, the cigarette and the top hat. Slash, the guitarist of Guns and Roses made a surprise appearance during the last act of the night. No matter that the sound was set up for acoustic acts, when you're watching a low key show with the likes of Badly Drawn Boy, and Carey Brothers, and Slash comes out, you stand on your tip toes and rub your eyes and say 'is that Slash?' Slash was sitting in with fellow rocker gone acoustic Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine. Morello brought out an all star cast including the afore mentioned Slash, Alexi Murdoch, Primus's Les Claypool, Jane's Addiction's Perry Ferral, as well as a handful of other well known rockers. And yes, they rocked! This was the day's highlight.

The rest of the day up to this point was spent in conferences, panels, demo listenings, and various other not so glamorous aspects of being in the music business. David Byrne of the Talking Heads lectured about the future of record labels in the new school called the internet. Simon Raymon (Cocteau twin member and president of Bella Union records) heard sixty seconds of a song of ours and was quoted as saying "I'd probably listen to more…" Later that day we bumped into fellow attendee, SL City Weekly writer, and new friend Jamie Gadette. Jamie was glowing and told us of many a fantastic show that we'd missed. We swapped itineraries for the evening and split up for the evening.

I must mention, before I forget, the solid and emotionally charged performance of a great local talent that night. Joshua James stood alone on stage with his well-loved guitar and tenderly gritty voice and told us stories in song that gave us all the good kind of chills. Get Joshua's autograph soon because he will be going places. Day three. At this point the colors began to blur and writing this post facto, I may not have the clearest recollection of exactly when things happened. I do remember sitting next to an ostentatious Australian for an interview with Booker T. Jones (fascinating fellow that one) I also recall that as a group, we had each found our independence at this point. Part of this independence came when we cracked the code of bus routes allowing us to come and go as we pleased. Before, we would grimace at the thought of paying for a taxi without the buying power of the group, but a bus! a bus only costs two quarters. Freedom! and we went our separate ways. I couldn't tell you for sure what my fellow band members did this night. I recall something mentioned about St. Vincent and that she was either amazing or incredible.

For myself, I had a very strong urge to revel in the world music scene for the night. This turned out to be a wise choice. The countries represented at the Copa club covered most continents. It was good to be with people whose pretentiousness was fresh when compared to the tight-legged style of American music. I felt more at home in this room where there was no common language than I had in any other clubs thus far. Not only that, but man, when you see a Russian fusion band incorporate Tuvan throat singing in their act, you know that's something that won't happen at any other club.

Day……I forget. We are tired at this point. We stay up every night until the sky begins to lighten, and then collect ourselves and get to the hotel in anyway possible. This would be our last night in Texas so we remained passed out in our beds extra late in the morning so we could be well rested. Off to the races. We caught a Louisiana blues act right out of the block, and from there, music until the wee hours of the morning. I won't describe in detail everything we witness this last night in Austin, but it was St. Patrick's day and the closing night, you can imagine the possibilities. I do want mention a friend of the band Dawn Landes. Dawn was the darling of the stage that night, and hopefully a friend from this point on. Great folk/indie chops and if you care to hear her, rent the movie Winter Passing.

Day to go home. "Five more minutes," "OK dude, but check-out is at noon and it's your card that will get charged if we're late." We were very sad to be leaving this well-spring of energy and dreams, but no one could live the SXSW routine for long without burning up like a meteor in its atmosphere. We spent this day in reflection, repeatedly asking the question 'what did you get from all this?' We sat in a café as friends and talked about the future. Sometime we granted our future the same fanciful luck and opportunity as an unscratched lottery ticket, and sometime we acknowledged the daunting details of reality and probability. We are, after all both artists and pragmatists.

Before I end this blog, I must thank everyone involved in allowing us this opportunity. I thank our fans for winning the slammy's and for the support we constantly feel, I thank City Weekly and all the other sponsors for hosting us, especially Jamie Gadette for guiding us through the whole SXSW mosh pit of a conference. I'm grateful to the city of Austin, Texas for cultivating such a pageant, to my fellow band members for being creative and picky and terribly good musicians and artist. And to Has for having a biggest adventure of anyone in Austin. Has got dripped on by Slash's sweat. Finally, the thing to do is to leave you with our picks from the festival. Please support good music. Of the artists we saw, here are a few that we really liked: The Fratellis, Saint Vincent, Midlake, Jim Bianco, Pierre, Aderne. Cheers. (St. Boheme)

License to Ill

The Early Ocho Eight more “unlawful” and “offensive” Utah license plates besides MERLOT:

(Bill Frost & Susan Kruithof)

SXSW: Days 2-4

Austin, Texas It's true. I'm an irregular blogger. I've tried to remedy this malady with loads of fiberous cereal, but my brain still processes festival updates ike molasses or Heinz ketchup oozing slowly into delicious tid bits for our attention span challenged readers. I blame poor nutrition, free booze, miles and miles and miles of walking and walking up and down and up 6th, 7th, 8th, 4th and 5th St., awesome bands, mediocre bands and long waits at 3 a.m. for gypsy charter vans.

But my biggest mistake was not failing in my duties as a blogger, but ignoring my instincts at the Onion day party where I caught a ridiculous speech by the ridiculous rocker-turned-motivational speaker Andrew W.K. and a spooky set by psych-rockers Spindrift. I thought about sticking around until Erase Errata and David Cross performed, but figured I could squeeze in a quick Village Voice party before they performed. I was wrong. While my stomach thanked me for taking the time to wolf down free food, watching Scotland's The Cinematics produce what seemed like Doves or Editors covers didn't compensate for the subsequent pointless hour and a half wait that greeted me upon returning to the Onion HQ.

Disappointed, things went downhill from there. It's possible that the previous day set too high a bar for up and coming acts to achieve. 70s throwback Dead Meadow and dark pysch-rockers Black Angels blew me away (and helped me get over my bitterness toward the latter act for skipping SLC twice due to a "broken down van"). Later at Antone's, Booker T & the MGs, William Bell, Eddie Floyd and Isaac Hayes absolutely killed in a performance celebrating the 50th anniversary of Stax Records. The original soul men showed us how it's really done by replicating "Soul Man," "Knock On Wood," "Private Number" and several other songs that send chills down spines with flawless organ, guitar and drums. Hot damn.

Watching the legendary musicians master their instruments with such grace and poise spoiled my enthusiasm for the vocal effects and experimental noise Deerhunter tried to achieve later in the evening. The hissy fit their vocalist threw when he realized his bandmates didn't bother to tune their instruments didn't help. I walked out after two songs. I had, after all, endured San Francisco's Citay before Deerhunter took the stage. Citay epitomizes the most unfortunate trend at SXSW: 6-plus members, all of who play at least seven instruments including the incredibly annoying glockenspiel. While talented, no doubt, Citay could arguably achieve a tighter sound by dropping a few superfluous bells and whistles, focusing instead on the three-part guitar harmony that drove most of their material.

The night ended with Albert Hammond Jr. Unlike 99 percent of SXSW featured bands, the Strokes member relied on others to set up and sound check--for 40 minutes!! There's no reason it should take 40 minutes to set up a basic rock rhythm section. Once Hammond plugged in, however, the tired crowd forgave him his primadonna behavior and applauded his solid pop sensibility. With a voice far more pleasing than Julian Casablancas, it's no wonder Hammond's solo work is garnering so much positive acclaim.

Friday, as I mentioned above, started off with the thud. The attractive but boring Pipettes left me craving something substantial, which I located in country legend Pam Tillis and Jenny Lewis' back-up singers The Watson Twins who are well on their way to carving a name separate from the Rilo Kiley frontwoman. The Annuals, who forced SLC's Band of Annuals to change their name when the North Carolina group signed to Ace Fu Records, leave something to be desired. The lead singer's voice is strained and pained and not at all comparable to Jay Henderson's honey coo. The Annuals also followed the same formula as Citay, with a glockenspiel and expansive sound lacking substance. Still craving not only substance but difference, I headed to the Panache showcase where Yip Yip donned checkerboard jumpsuits with goggles and produced strange, haunted carousel noises with several electronic devices.

Later, I waited for Earl Greyhound to play but gave up when the opening act drove me nuts with their AC/DC cover band sound. I sought solace in producer RJD2's set but while impressed with his skills, it's not all that exciting to watch him manipulate records. Chicago's Hopewell (former Mercury Rev) saved the night from complete ruin with jangly guitars and a dynamic vocalist.

Saturday was perhaps the most successful day, as far as SXSW is concerned. I headed out early and stumbled upon the Hot Freaks/Gorilla Vs. Bear day party where six bands performed before 2 p.m. including White Denim, a technically adventurous, humorous trio whose drummer's beats followed no predictable pattern. Other highlights: Mezzanine Owls, The Ponys, The Good The Bad & The Queen. Look for more in print. Oh, and catch Dead Meadow and Spindrift with the Furs at Kilby Court back in Salt Lake City on Tuesday at 6:30 p.m. You won't be disappointed (Jamie Gadette)

IN Utah This Week: Will the Edge Never Stop Cutting?

Salt Lake City's fastest-growing weekly publication -- just ask them -- is concerned that you, John or Jane Q. Snacker, may not be aware of a revolution in munchies: Pringles now come in bags! Thank heavens the hard-working staff of the Washington Post is around to help out the periodical that is now proudly trumpeting to would-be advertisers that, unlike other newsprint rags that shall remain nameless, they aren't "too political." I dunno, guys ... you don't want to piss off that pro-Ruffles contingent. (Scott Renshaw)

Fashionista: Anyone Can Look Hot

Fashion Advice I’m giving myself a lot of credit handing out advice here, so let’s hope I don’t offend anyone. I’ve made my blunders, but I think I’ve finally discovered the trick to looking good. Given, I still blunder … more often than I’d like. The title of this blog is not misleading, however. We all have different body shapes and sizes. This should not limit your sex appeal. First of all, and you’ve probably heard it a million times, but confidence IS sexy. If you feel good in what you’re wearing, chances are that you actually do look good.

One major key is dressing for your body. I happen to be very petite and skinny, but I still know that there is such a thing as too tight. Nobody wants to see that, no matter how thin you are. There is also, definitely, such a thing as too baggy. When in doubt, go for tailored. Emphasize your assets. Maybe you have great breasts—go with that, but do it tastefully. The same goes for any body part. I happen to have great legs, so I work with that. I have, unfortunately, crossed the line on many occasions. There is a key to avoiding this: consider whether your grandmother would roll over in her grave because you crossed the line between provocative and slutty. There is a HUGE difference. We will all cross the line at some point or another, but look in the mirror before you walk out the door and think of Gram for a minute. I could certainly learn from my own advice here.

I also believe that anyone can wear any color (especially my friend Sarah). The key to this is how much of that color you don. Like that friend you can only be around for five minutes maximum, think small doses. If the color looks especially good on you, rock that bitch. Don’t be afraid to take a risk either. The worst thing that can happen is you look like crap once and stop. No one cares about you enough to linger on the one day you wore a really terrible outfit (unless you’re famous, then I will judge you to no end because you won’t know and you won’t care because you’re ridiculously rich).

I also suggest once a year throwing a clothes exchange party preferably with mimosas and brunch (thanks to Amber for introducing me to this wonderful concept). Get your friends together and bring everything you’re sick of wearing or wish you hadn’t purchased. The exception to this is any classic piece. You will have good judgment here, trust me. Throw everything into a pile and everyone can go through it—first come, first serve. Take home what you like. Something that looks terrible on you may look awesome on someone else and vice versa. Take the leftovers to the Salvation Army and you’ve done three great things: gotten rid of the clothes that are taking up precious closet space, walked away with free clothes, and helped those in need.

To sum up, it’s about time to start spring cleaning. Do the closet while you’re at it and throw a clothes exchange in your freshly cleaned house or apartment. Don’t dress like a whore unless it’s your occupation. Be confident. Everyone has something to offer both physically and internally, so make your assets the most noticeable. Don’t become famous and rich or I will judge you.

If you actually find my advice useful, or want to tell me I suck, you can e-mail me at LLarkin@slweekly.com or leave a comment below. (Lindsay Larkin)

SXSW: Day 1

South by Southwest 2007, Austin Pete Townshend says screw the Internet! Sort of. In a keynote speech last night, the legendary Who demanded to know why he could pay $50 to "watch two motherfuckers beat the shit out of each other" but couldn't watch his friend play an intimate set at the neighborhood bar streaming live and direct online. Townshend called out the record and tech industries, claiming the "new boss," same as the old, are restricting access to a world he envisioned 30 years ago with the story that inspired Who's Next.

But the lively, frank artist isn't just flapping his jaw. On April 25, Townshend will launch the "Method," an interactive experience that offers subscribers the opportunity to create musical works modeled after their individual characteristics by "sitting" for a software composer as one would pose for a painter. Townshend tested the new process on the Who's latest album, Endless Wire. He encouraged the audience to attend the unveiling, especially journalists who he kindly referred to as "his friends," and as artists who are writing and researching and producing works that deserve as much respect as a musician's compositions.

I followed my new crush to the Austin Chronicle's annual music awards where he performed with Faces' alumn Ian MacLagan on the giant convention center stage. Standing four feet away from Townshend as he struck his trademark pose (arm windmilled above his guitar, legs in a lunge) was inspiring, to say the least.

My night closed with New York afro-punk act Game Rebellion, whose shirtless frontman left the stage several times to mosh with the crowd and who referred to Bush & Co. as the real gangstas. Today promises to bring much, much, much more music including sets by the Pippettes, Dirty Projectors, Black Lips, The Whigs, Sloan ... oh, who am I kidding. It's impossible to predict what will happen. Stay tuned. (Jamie Gadette)

Fashionista: Cassini, Not Chanel

FASHION I wanted to touch on a topic that has always bothered me: Jacqueline Kennedy’s pink suit. The suit Jackie wore on the day of the assassination was NOT a Chanel suit. It was clearly a Cassini (note the overstated buttons, collar, and boxy cut on the jacket, not to mention his unmistakable pillbox cap). If you’re not familiar with the two designers and why this suit was clearly not Chanel, it should be apparent in the fact that Oleg Cassini dressed the first lady almost exclusively. Jacqueline Kennedy was to Cassini what Audrey Hepburn was to Givenchy. And, coincidentally, Cassini was quite inspired by Givenchy.

This leads me to an irritation of mine: How could anyone in their right mind use Liv Tyler as the face of Givenchy? I’m certainly not alone in idolizing Audrey Hepburn on many levels and I find it insulting that she should be replaced with a woman I find irritating, fairly talentless, and, in my opinion, mousy and unattractive. Audrey had more class in her pinky toenail than Liv Tyler could ever hope for.

I’ve seriously digressed from the topic at hand, however: back to Cassini. I think it’s interesting to note that Cassini studied initially to be an artist under de Chirico. De Chirico’s influence is clear in Cassini’s work. De Chirico’s work often draws from classical subjects such as Greek statues, placed in industrial-like settings. His work has a modern edge through the style of the artist’s articulate, clean brushwork, composition, and colour theory. The same could be said of Cassini’s designs. He also drew from classic inspirations to create modern works of elegance and simplicity. These pieces changed the face of fashion, and most prominently through the face of Jacqueline Kennedy.

It’s no coincidence that a man who was initially known for his costume design transformed the first lady into a starlet of sorts and the first major fashion icon in US politics. Jackie remained a fashion icon throughout her life and her choices are still influencing fashion today. Most notably in Michael Kors’ new line based on Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis and her sister Lee Radziwill. I hope his Bouvier inspired pieces turn out well (mainly because I’d like to buy some). I was really not a fan of Michael Kors when he first arrived in the fashion scene. He seemed conflicted: like Tommy Hilfiger posing as a Calvin Klein or an Armani. I also hated Celine, which I found flat out tacky in general. In the last few years I think he’s found his voice and he’s created many pieces I admire and covet. I just hope he doesn’t completely botch it up. I couldn’t bare to see another Liv Tyler posing as an Audrey Hepburn. (Lindsay Larkin)

Tits For Tats

LETTERS City Weekly received this missive from concerned reader "Homer Fudpucker" last week. Food for thought, indeed:

Hey, I just get so fucking tired of seeing your "Nice Tats" inserts in the CW, showing stupid pix of idiots defacing their bods. How about showing some NICE TITS instead (without affixed Tats, of course) for us red-blooded males? Naw, shit, I guess you can't legally compete with rags like Playboy, can you? "Big Bro" would be hot after your bad ass! Oh well, I'll still continue to read your sorry-ass rag, even though it's 99 percent crapola! Cheers, Beers and Ho's! Sincerely, Homer Fudpucker

And here's this week's Nice Tat, Homer:

"I am a crazy cat person (not crazy cat 'lady'—that's different!). I got this 11 years ago from Teresa at Southern Thunder. She is out of town now, so I had Vic Back of Good Times touch it up last summer. Meow!" —Portia Early, X96 DJ

Straight Outta Layton

Barbed Bacon The Weekly World News (“The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper,” FYI) reported this week that a “bizarre new species” of pig has been discovered in, of all places, Layton, Utah: The PorcuPig! “Last month, one of my pigs gave birth to a litter of pigs covered with bristles,” farmer Bill Waterson told WWN. “They kept growing until they became full-fledged needles!” The Utah Heredity Institute (we couldn’t find any evidence that it exists, but we don’t have the investigative resources of the Weekly World News) confirmed the pig/porcupine DNA connection: “Just as certain plants acquire bad tastes or animals develop camouflage,” said Dr. Raymond Young, “these ‘porcupigs’ have formed an effective protection against the hands of butchering farmers.” And that’s not all: “Evolutionarily speaking, external spines like these are often a precursor to feathers,” Dr. Young continued. “Perhaps, in the not-so-distant future, we may yet see pigs fly!” So this is Intelligent Design, huh? Cool. (Bill Frost)

The Dumbing Down of Utah, Week 39-ish

What's IN this week, kidz?

* A desperate editorial on a smelly office.

* More dating bullshit.

* Another Sexy In SLC candidate "in a relationship."

* Lotsa promo pics of bands, zero information.

* Par-tay shots!

* Half-assed movie reviews.

* Quarter-assed Q&A with Snow Patrol.

* Reality TV reviews no one gives a shit about.

* Pole-dancing class story everyone else did two years ago.

* Yet another home-invasion pictorial.

* Making a mix CD ... seriously?

* Polka dots are back ... again.

* Suck-up bar review.

* In-depth Cup of Noodles review ... what the fuck?

Congratulations: If you bought a cut-rate ad in this Cleveland Steamer of an "alternative weekly" that's actually funded by a multimillion-dollar corporation, you're totally getting your money's worth. (Bill Frost)