- As the mine-safety czar, I must say I'm doing a heckuva job.
- Dispatch thought police to Lindon, code blue. Repeat: Dispatch thought police to Lindon, code blue.
- Damn those bilingual students! It's their fault my kids can't read.
- You know what really chaps my hide? When the mayor calls for the wholesale extermination of the Mormons.
- It's good to speak ill of the dead-they can do so little about it.
- All the country's problems would be solved if people would admit that John Adams was a Manichaean anti-triclavianist who did not believe in the literal Ascension of Mary.
- Like Orrin Hatch, I, too, reject all science that doesn't pass the Crichton test.
- So a few of my ancestors killed a few of your ancestors. Why do you people have to be so negative all the time? Most of those Mormons who weren't murderers were darn nice people!